Catholic Hermit: Perseverance

Another commentary, this one by St. Gregory the Great (6th c.), speaks to me what I need to hear.  I can read it and ponder from the perspective that I have experienced detraction, mocking, as Job is portrayed; but also I can consider this commentary as one who has cast my thoughts, opinions, and observations which can be, or be taken as, hurtful and abusive,  as well.

As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I'm still very much in on-going training, in process of progression.  I'm physically tired, mostly worn down by pain, and I need to push myself but seem to lack the impetus to be more active, to push through this consistent, higher level of pain in order to do what might help build up strength and energy.

So I have more time in resting, and more time to think.  Even the thoughts can turn in on myself with  frustration and remorse.  I suppose this is part of penance; last night I once again asked the penitent hermit, St. Mary of Egypt, to befriend and guide me--accompany me in this phase of my life in which the Lord is presenting before me a type of portal, unseen but yet very much here, real.  There is little else for me but to wait upon God to help propel me through this phase's portal.

I'll not try to describe further and will write out what Gregory the Great wrote that inspires and reassures.

"'He who is mocked by his neighbor, as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him' (Job 12:4 Vulgate Translation)....But sometimes the soul perseveres in good works with a constant heart, and yet is pushed hard by the scoffing of men; it does admirable deeds, and gets only abuse; and he who might have been encouraged to come out of himself by commendation is repulsed by insults and returns back again into himself.  He establishes himself the more firmly in God, as he finds no place else where he may rest in peace; for all his hope is fixed in his creator.  Amidst ridicule and abuse, he implores only the interior witness.  His soul in distress becomes God's neighbor, in proportion as he is a stranger to the favor of man's esteem.  So he pours himself out in prayer and, hard-pressed from without, is refined with a more perfect purity to enter more deeply into all that is interior.  Therefore, it is well said at this time, 'He who is mocked by his neighbor as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him...'  And while the soul of the good strengthens itself, with compunction, in prayer, it is united within itself in the hearing of the most High, in the very act that severs it from the approval of men outside itself....

"'For the upright man's simplicity is laughed to scorn' (Job 12:4).  It is the wisdom of this world to conceal one's feelings with pretense, to veil the sense with words; to show things that are false as true, and to make out as fallacious what is true.  But on the other hand it is the wisdom of the righteous, to pretend nothing in show, to discover the meaning by words; to love the truth as it is, to avoid falsehood; to set forth good deeds freely, to bear evil more gladly than to do it; to seek no revenge of a wrong, to count ill repute as a gain for the truth's sake.  But this simplicity of the righteous is laughed to scorn, because the goodness of purity is taken for folly by the wise men of this world.  For doubtless everything that is done from innocence is counted foolish by them, and whatever truth sanctions in practice sounds weak to carnal wisdom."

I realize this is much to ponder--these words with such great meaning to any of us who read them.  We might read them placing ourselves as the person being scorned and mocked; or we may be the ones to do the scorning and mocking.  Or we may read the above words thinking we are the upright, that we do not conceal our feelings with pretense, that we have done such good--and that others do not appreciate our righteously good deeds.  

If we do not see ourselves as we are, if pride blinds our self-honesty, we can find ourselves persevering in that which is not God's will in our lives--but merely that which keeps us thinking we are busying ourselves doing good.  Perhaps it is love God wants of us, for Him and for others.  In that, I find the first section of the above saint's writings, to be where we should place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.

So I look at myself in realistic honesty, including the surgeon appointment in which my symptoms are most likely more to do now with the Adhesive Arachnoiditis than the remaining time of surgery recovery.  I see my situation, my pain and weariness, my sins, my love for others, my hermit vocation, my love for God--and I know that I must take upon me the action and stance of which Gregory the Great writes:

establish myself the more firmly in God, 
as I find no place else where I may rest in peace; 
for all my hope is fixed in my creator.  
Amidst what abuse of which there is little, 
but more now in my life my own flaws stand out to me, 
I must implore help only from the interior witness, the Holy Spirit.  
My soul in distress must become God's neighbor 
and I must become a stranger to wanting others' favor.  
I must pour myself out in prayer--
for I am hard-pressed from all the temporal about me.  
I must trust God to refine me with a more perfect purity 
in order to enter more deeply into all that is interior.

So I write the above, incorporating the saint's words as a prayer, as a plan of forward movement to and through this portal before me.  Yet even to make myself go for a walk--of which I've not gone for a walk for 10 days--the nausea tries to influence me to remain on the icy pad in bed.  It is past time for a pain med, so perhaps that will help my mind establish itself more in God, and my heart to encourage my mind and body to simply try to walk despite pain, nausea, fatigue--and to push through without thinking about potential, probable, after-effects of the morrow.

I must try, at least.  The spinal stenosis is no longer the main problem; and if I do not try to build up some muscle and stamina to be more out of bed than bed-ridden, then bed-ridden will be the reality.  And I can accept that if I truly cannot manage to push through a bit more, a bit longer, to keep physically going.  I managed the Lyft ride to and from the surgeon's office despite both low-to-ground, light-weight cars.  The nausea has started up in the last half hour, so that is an improvement over most days recently.  

Today's Psalm--The Lord is my Shepherd--encourages me to at least try a physical walk, in which God will carry for me whatever distress.  There is no cure for Adhesive Arachnoiditis, but walking as much and for as long as a person is able, is recommended.  Even if the ride today is having effect sooner than later, entering more firmly into God, and into all that is interior, will always be the best place where I may rest in peace.

It is by perseverance we shall secure our lives.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Learns from Jesus in John of the Cross

I am enamored all over again.  It does not take much--just re-reading after ten years, the introduction to The Collected Works of St. John of the Cross (Kieran Kavanaugh, translator, editor) can set me off on lessons to learn of love of God.

This section from the introduction, toward the end of it, helps me grasp what I've spent some emails trying to explain to a friend why I prefer not hearing about more of the situations in an unhealthy marriage of control situation that has gone on for years.  And, it helps me to know that even my grousing and putting a personal stop to a medical group's predatory and usurious form of clinical extortion is not worth the thought and emotion.

In the temporal realm, including very much the temporal Catholic church realm as opposed to the mystical or spiritual church realm--we see that relationships and the control factors in human beings are really the root of sin's unfolding.  We see that even if we people are not trying to control one another in some way, usually with our not being able to face that we do it overtly or covertly, consciously or subconsciously--if not controlling other people, we indeed then in some way try to control God.

The control of God is uncovered easily enough through any lack of faith in His total providence.  Our trying to control God comes when we attach some set or expected outcome or what we wish to see of our "hope".  It comes when we do not love God above all things; truly it does.  For then we are trying to control God by proxy:  We place people, places, things, situations and our desires above God.  We replace God with ourselves, even if that is hard for us to accept or see it is so.

I've spent a lot of time being diverted from loving God above all else, by getting caught up in my reactions to situations and persons.  I recently have realized just how emotionally and psychologically abusive we can be to one another in various ways; and part of the abuse and waste of it all is that we try to control others and try to control God.

Not worth expending our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits on fussing about who did or said this or that, or why, or drag out the situation.  Sometimes we must remove ourselves, shake dust from sandals and move on physically or more often, mentally and emotionally and especially spiritually.  

The spiritual reality and path is Jesus' way as truth and life.  We must strive to love God in Himself and to think of God above all else, and in that love of God, love will abide and abound and flow from us, as God loves.

The following are from the concluding paragraphs of the Collected Works' introduction.  They are simply stated, directly stated, and I also note how much it resonated with me to be reminded of an incident in John's life that demonstrates his devotion to the Living Word of God:  the Bible.  

The incident:  John's fellow friars tried to get him to join them when in Lisbon visiting, to go meet a famed stigmatic living there.  John refused to go and instead spent the day by the ocean, reading his Bible.  The others went off to visit the stigmatic, drawn by the phenomenon.

I have to admit, I asked myself if I'd have chosen  a day with my Bible or would I have gone to see the stigmatic?  And I sadly admit that I think I'd have trotted off to take in the unusual phenomenon of a stigmatic--and probably would have spent time and talk with the others, later, debating if real or deceptive phenomenon.

But back to John of the Cross:

''From his Bible and his nearness to God, John knew that loving confidence in Providence was the appropriate response to life's worries and anxieties.  He observed that when God, like a loving mother, wants to carry us, we kick and cry and insist on walking by ourselves, and get nowhere.  Some thought that since he was prior of a poor monastery he should show more concern about material needs.  They would have liked him to worry.  But his habit of seeing God in all things contributed, in fact, to an air of peace and calm.  

"This was his way, too, in persecution.  he saw the hand of God there and urged others not to speak uncharitably of his persecutors, but to think 'only that God ordains all.'  He wrote that trust in God should be so great that even if the whole world were to collapse one should not become disturbed.  Enduring things with equanimity reaps many blessings, he said, and helps a person in the middle of adversity to make an appropriate judgment and find the right option.  This total trust in God gave him peace in his final illness.  Being reminded of all he had suffered, he replied with these remarkable words: 'Padre, this is not the time to be thinking of that; it is by the merits of the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ that I hope to be saved.'"

While I suppose it is all right to take note of ourselves or others trying to control aspects of our lives in silly or also harmful ways, to give much inner space or emotional energy to the persons or situations is not having total trust in God. Rather, we place our trust in thoughts, or in emotions, or physical ills--or judgments or regrets or of desired conquests of persons, places, things, situations.

What I do want is for me to accept and recognize and be loyal in faithfulness and love to the reality that God controls all aspects of my life as well as eternal, infinite existence of the soul's being.  And that is love of God, that He loves so much as to love me and ordain all in me and around me, and that He does the same for all others and else.