The Catholic Hermit: Joyful Hermit Loves this Poet-Saint!

 

I am finding increasingly, that I so love St. Nerses Chnorhali, 12th C. Armenian patriarch, a mystic poet and holy saint!  Following is Part II of his "Jesus Only Begotten Son of the Father":

May my gifts please You

I was similar to the bad servant,

Who for the talents entrusted does not earn anything;

And even surpassing it,

Because I lost the gift of grace.

I did not duplicate your talent,

Neither quadruple nor increase by five,

So that I reign completely

The ten cities of the senses.

But I buried my only talent underground,

By packing it up in the veil of vices;

I did not put the money at the bank

So you might ask for interest....

To you, O Savior of my soul,

I want to cry for these words:

'Since it is still in my hands to do good,

Give me the grace to please you.

So I will hear the joyful sentence

Like the faithful servant:

Enter the Heavenly House,

In the joy of your Lord!

The Catholic Hermit: The Problem with (or for) Mystics

 I've had ministers give me the squinted glare, also (one told me to leave and take my child with me), but as long as some Protestants or anyone could consider me "psychic", that helped ease their angst. Yet others, of course, were convinced I was new age or like the seers of the OT who connived and communed with the dead in dangerous ways.  Catholics seem to be expecting some type of person of which fantastical dreams are made--hagiographical- embellished "saints".  

It does help if there is some utilitarian mystical gift comes with the person, such as the gift of healing, clairvoyance,  or the visible stigmata--once the person has been put through the wringer to have the phenomenon proven legitimate and not of their own doing.  (I do understand that for the sake of others who can take things out of context, those with especially visible phenomenon need to be discerned as well as to discern, themselves, if a mystical phenomenon is a chronic condition in the mystic's life.)  

I have come to accept that this lack. of acceptance is part of the suffering God has allowed me, andI ought to bear it with kindness, gratitude, and grace.  I so loved Mass;  Mass was a joy and privilege that lifted me up from bed of pain each morning despite the difficulty then of sitting. But after the ecstasies began in later 2008,  troubles ensued with  people not understanding and those who did, were envious or resentful.  Those who did not understand would become angry at my rudeness for seeming to sleep through Mass. 

Others would injure me by trying to waken me, or call 911 and the fire truck, police, and EMS would show up and be coming into Mass with the gurney about the time Mass had ended. The final time this occurred, I tried to imitate Jesus His last time in Nazareth when the people were readying to throw him off a cliff.  "He walked through their midst."  

My spiritual da later reminded me that Jesus never went back to Nazareth after that.  I never returned to Mass at the Cathedral; for one thing, my neck was so severely injured I was unable to drive for several weeks and took 8 weeks to function per usual.  But the monsignor did not want me to return; he'd been letting me know for months and months prior.  I simply did not want to give up the beauty and glory of the Mass!  

The deeper the ecstasy the more bliss, but I had to finally consider charity to others and that of not being an occasion of sin to them. I began to consider that perhaps God allowed the situation because He preferred me to Himself in the hermitage. I considered the ancient hermits as well as the desert dwellers who often stayed hidden and in silence of solitude and did not participate in Mass  nor receive the tangible consecrated Host for the rest of their lives.  

I sacrificed the sacrifice of the Mass; I knew this was at least until shown and allowed otherwise, the charitable thing to do for others. Charitable?  Yes.  Part of suffering is to forsake what we  love in order to protect others from doing, thinking, and speaking (gossip, criticism) wrongly.  It had become too much of a problem for priests to navigate personally and with their flock, as well.  I had to grapple with why would God have this happen--that I'd not be able to participate in Mass?  

But then I factored that two weeks prior to the ecstasies commencing, my angel appeared in a dream.  He placed his hand on my righti arm and said as he led me, that he was taking me to the Stairway to Heaven.  He took me to the foot of an immense stairway; we stood at the foot and gazed up to where I could see no farther.  In considering this event, I finally understood that the Mass is the stairway in a spiritual way, and the ecstasies have a powerful message in that reality.  

Stairs lead us onward, upward, and that designates a transition from one level or place of being to another.  We must let go of where we had been and what we had known and even loved, and begin the ascent to that which we know not yet must trust that God is taking us to where He wills and of that which we need for the glory of His will and desire for our souls and for His Body, the Church. 

Joyful, Solus Deus, Christian, Catholic, Mystic Hermit: Correspondence to a Fellow Hermit

Note:  The canonical hermit who has done much to perpetuate various precedents created by said person, has written a lengthy and seemingly sound refutation of my comments and questions below.  What this person writes in disagreeing what I have set forth, and now has added on years that have grown exponentially to what was this person's previous length of time as a hermit, is not scripturally based nor accurate other than is from the person's legalistic view of the Body of Christ and Christ as Head, of which Jesus decried such aspects that the high priests, scribes, Pharisees and Sadducees of His time on earth had so created a contorted legalistic form of religion and spiritual life in the Jewish faith and lived out in the temples as well as were imposed on the Jewish people.  This manner of humankind creating what they wish and adding on to what humankind creates in legalisms yet in our times or in recent times, is what most hermits such as St. Bruno, gave pause and ponder, and thus left the temporal world including ithe temporal system and structure, and left for the farthest reaches  of the Alps in which to draw nigh on to Christ and to worship and pray, to be Christian in the freedom of silence of solitude, praise of God, and intimacy with Christ that yet lifted up and strengthened the entire Body of Christ.  Bruno had lived enough of the very aspects of this person who persists in making up what is not in many aspects in fact.  I have provided the person with more platform than is warranted or healthy for the misinformation that comes forth, so will leave off the topic of which I do believe, however, that there will be increasing "hermits" of the canon law provision, simply due to the public promotion and position, prestige of sorts, and aspect of thinking "legal" and "approved" is preferred to following in the footsteps, heart, mind, and spirit of Christ's teachings and life as He exemplified on earth and as it is in His Real Presence here and in Heaven.

God's blessings:

I've been wondering how you are, if you are holding up by the power of God to the physical challenges you were having at one time or perhaps yet are, causing you to move to another location now some time ago for personal and needful reasons.  I'm a Catholic hermit, consecrated but of the traditional, historic mode, privately professed as had been customary for centuries, as also some of the prophets lived--John the Baptist, as well.  I've always appreciated and been refreshed by your writing about how to become a hermit (religious type).  You write reasonably and openly, with wisdom and intelligence.  I've found the trend to instead by going toward more structural, temporalized hermit vocation in the Catholic church vis a vis the  CL603 diocese hermit platform.  Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your just and modest expression of the vocation, thoughtful and set forth with reason and respect for all those who share the Catholic faith and also have been called by God to the hermit vocation. 

I have been, since vows professed nearly 23 years ago in private ceremony, and remain anonymous including hidden as far as blending in dependent upon environment in which I live or go out for errands. No prefix nor suffix to my name by choice of the same hiddenness and never felt need to stand out or be distinguished as with the low income and disabled with pain, facing increasing suffering so less manual labor. I may be facing losing the financial base I was utilizing--that of a modest inheritance invested in a house to renovate and eventually, hopefully selling for a profit to help pay for (likely) end of life health care needed.  I may not be able to complete the renovation, but will see what God has in Mind this coming year--if I recover enough from the latest major surgery.

I've never quite fathomed why bishops and/or those who wanted to be known as hermits, or given diocese hermit, bishop approval--was the canon law developed, and by what concern to do so.  Or did some hermits approach, even one or two, desiring the Church to create such a church law, because they wanted a place within the other designations of religious orders and clergy, virgins and widows?  Or were bishops concerned that the few hermits that ever exist, relative to Catholic lay members, were going to somehow have unmitigated and unapproved power, or were promoting themselves for monetary or theological gain?  

I thought perhaps you may know why they finalized the canon law (603) in 1983 to create a "diocese hermit" of which the bishop approves, and the vows are made publicly, of which now it seems precedents followed to include a public Mass, reception, publication announcement in diocese and other media, and sometimes hermit utilized in parish life and employment therein, or as hospital chaplains, paid spiritual directors or counselors, parish administrators or diocese employment.  However, typically hermits always have been and some few remain, solitary and more strictly separated from the world;  seekers of God alone and the spiritual life, existing to praise and pray and do penance, to live in silence of solitude and be hidden from the mainstream of the world.  And definitely were or are not known, not interacting in parishes nor belonging to any particular diocese--yet were and are approved and consecrated by and in God while very much remaining definitively Catholic (members of the Body of Christ and members of the Catholic Church).  

You seem a rather rare glimpse of a diocese hermit who has not succumbed or perhaps not gone along with the precedents being set by some hermits, particularly in the US, who are promoting, formulating, the erstwhile "traditional, historic" hermit vocation in this other manner.  It also seems from current research and events that bishops are assuming and inculcating the precedents, although have been simply made up by more visible diocese hermits who have by essence of being more public have established themselves or by supporters, as authorities.  The bishops seem not to question nor realize these protocols are simply being made up, whether or not the practices follow or adhere with what is stated in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  These may include precedents and practices regarding solitude, per say, or "hidden from the eyes of men", or living a "stricter separation from the world"--of which stricter has grown a loose definition and as if no "waistline needed."  

Also, I have noticed that there is a precedent that has become as if "law", that the Catholic hermits who are of the ancient or traditional, historic mode (as has been the way of hermit profession and avowal, of being formed by God and those whom God has placed for a time period to guide the hermit, mentor the hermit)--that these hermits are somehow not to be referred to nor of themselves be "Catholic hermits".  This is a relatively new development, not that a Catholic hermit needs to be known as belonging to his or her Church despite Catholicism being the basis of a hermit's practice of worship, theology, faith, and tradition. 

Amidst these ongoing observations and in some regard concerns, I hope you might personally offer some insights as to the what and especially why, and how it was the diocese hermit and canon law 603 came to be accepted as essentially "promote and official, even "legal" format of hermit vocation in recent times. Also, do you anticipate the traditional, historic, perhaps what has been the only form or type of hermit existence prior to 1983 to thereby be replaced at least as no longer technically legally and in practice and essence inviable, in the eyes of the Church clergy and members?   [I believe there was a movement in France in early 20th c.of something of the sort but my memory rusty on what I've read of this, now a century past].  

Regardless, the creation of yet another canon law, and this for hermits of all vocations, seems to create what could become or has already made lasting ruts and signage as a replacement form of the centuries-old, tried and true hermit vocational pathway, going back prior to time of Our Lord hermit vocation. Already I am aware of aberrations from what is set forth and gleaned from more ancient hermit lives and writings, the requisites that earmark a hermit's life from perpetuity and history, and the ways and means of that lifestyle. 

Thanks in advance and regardless, if you can illuminate and share your thoughts or knowledge on these questions and concerns I have for the rather divisive situation of hermit vocational options, the one being subjugated in many circumstances and locales, already.  While the variant precedents and actual life style shifts taking place perhaps by bishops and diocese hermits maybe not in agreement or knowledgeable of the traditional and historic ways and wherefores of hermit lives--will not affect my own vocation.  What has been written in The Catechism has been been gleaned from historic hermit and theologic writings and lifestyles; my own and other tradtional hermits live vocations anonymously, formed, and corrected by for most part the Holy Spirit as enactor, and our guardian angels as messenger, the Holy Spirit as guide and overseer, and of Jesus the Word  and Son of God Our Father.  

But I do sense and have cited instances noticed, of the division that is being created, plus some detraction even if subtle or recently reworded. Eventhough you state correctly that the centuries-and-into-antiquity style of hermit vocation should not be demeaned, the traditional historic way of hermit life is in effect being negated or presented/treated as illegal by virtue of having the relative recent, diocese hermit path "legalized" by a canon law with procedural structure created by humankind, albeit clerics, but perhaps some who wanted this structure and stature developed, lobbied for and assisted in the creation of the canon law.  

So again, to re-cap; my sincere appreciation if you can shed light at least on the reason why a canon law to legalize and make public, organized, and structured a diocese hermit vocation--was determined necessary to begin with, or who promoted the diocese hermit or "by law" type of public profession into the hands of a bishop over private profession in and consecration by God?  

It's always fairly obvious when someone has a mental illness or is a demoniac, even back in the Old Testament times or during life of Christ, compared to a quiet, unassuming person who if takes seriously being "hidden" from the eyes of humankind, lives in solitude, blends in, is in stricter separation from the world--with stricter being an on-going progression but not playing games with the meaning of the word. And of discerning and noting the spiritual life and prayer, praise and penance being the way of life, along with living the Gospel that of a healthy and viable hermit as opposed to an imbalanced and mentally ill person, or even one who simply does not have the vocation, at least not yet, and is in it for the uniqueness or some form of self-gain.  (Hopefully, Christians would offer care and mercy  to such persons, or grasping if one even knew of the "hermit" if in a phase of spiritual or temporal trial that time would prove the vocation one way or another.)  

Otherwise in reality, if there were such a "hermit" observable as a hermit, saying he or she is a hermit, who is exhibiting traits and behaviors of a genuinely emotionally, mentally, or pathologically ill person, no one would take such a one seriously as a hermit. In other words, how would anyone even be known as a hermit if truly living in accord with the standards or requisites of hermit life and vocation from the period of the Essenes and even further back in history and forward through the Christian era to the requisites and standard basics being summarized and set forth in The Catechism of the Catholic Church?  

And, will there will be a time or has it arrived, when the historic, traditional form of hermit is no longer attempted due to the current promoting by the Church bishops as well as the growing incidence of diocese hermits, the created canon law  603 also promoted by dioceses and being accepted as the legal way to become a "Catholic" hermit?  While the traditional, historic, and not long ago only path or way of the hermit vocation--will it fall out of custom and become past history as it is not encouraged nor espoused by the clergy?  Nor is the historic traditional hermit vocation promoted by diocese hermits by virtue they chose the publicly professed and bishop-approved path, and being public and following precedents set, are visible as hermits in dress, name and titles, having been announced in dioceses and often nationally or in national publications of countries.  Additionally the Church membership at large is unaware of the hidden, silent, solitary privately professed hermit pathway and hermits themselves due to their remaining hidden and anonymous unlike the advertised diocese hermits whose often new names with religious titles are interviewed and presented in publications, as well as announced and spoken of by bishops and priests as Catholic hermits of "the Catholic hermit vocation"?

I wrote this to the hermit who I have admired for several years, when I discovered what had been written that was the most fair and decently accommodating of the hermit vocation in which otherwise, previously have been the only types of hermits, religious, at least, since any records or knowledge remains of those of which I am a remaining morsel among the others out there, living solus Deus, God alone, and striving in the basic summations of what is a consecrated Catholic hermit to live and be, now gathered and available to refer to in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  Beyond that, there are the writings by and of the ancient hermits up through the 21 centuries, and the Scriptures, Old Testament and John the Baptist in the New Testament, as excellent guides with their lives and trials, and their guidance, from which to learn, be inspired, and encouraged.

I went through and edited (cleaned and made more clear) my thoughts and request for feedback from this diocese hermit, and I have personally noted that the hermit did update the earlier writing on hermits, and has been influenced some by the increasing trend of Diocese hermits and bishops predominating the hermit vocational scene in the temporal aspects of the Catholic Church at least for now.  Who knows how this will evolve and to what end--except for God Who often lets humankind devise their own hands-on desires to make and create more system, structure, and legalities?  However I did appreciate shortly after sending my essay letter to thus level-headed and spiritually mature CL603 hermit who is admirably living her hermit life admirably in keeping with the basics and what remains summed in The Catehcism, coming across the writings of St Ignatius of Antioch way back circa some years prior to his death around the year 110.  A bishop and martyr of the very early church, likely alive and part of the word "Catholic" being used interchanged with Church and thus Catholic Church came into the vernacular, this letter to the Magnesians, Chapter 6, 7, implores them to not tolerate division and warns of the dangers of divisiveness in the Church among Her Body, and in general.  Enjoy what gifts us some worthwhile consideration even in our personal lives!

Do all then, imitating the same divine conduct, pay respect to one another, and let no one look upon his neighbor after the flesh, but continually love each other in Jesus Christ. Let nothing exist among you that may divide you; but be united with your bishop, and those that preside over you, as a type and evidence of your immortality. As therefore the Lord did nothing without the Father, being united to Him, neither by Himself nor by the apostles, so neither do anything without the bishop and presbyters. Neither endeavor that anything appear reasonable and proper to yourselves apart; but being come together into the same place, let there be one prayer, one supplication, one mind, one hope, in love and in joy undefiled. There is one Jesus Christ, than whom nothing is more excellent. Therefore run together as into one temple of God, as to one altar, as to one Jesus Christ, who came forth from one Father, and is with and has gone to one.

Catholic Christian Hermit Mystic: An Echo from 9th Century Book of Hours of Sinai

When I read this Midnight Canon, 4th Ode, SC 486 from a 9th century Book of Hours of Sinai, the sentiments matched mine.  As if an echo from 12 centuries ago, each thought, each word, each plea and admission, are mine.  

I desire God's precepts and forgiveness.  I plead for mercy and reach out to Christ's extended, Divine Hand.  Lift me up, O Lord!  Life me from the intensity of physical suffering; lift me out of the darkness of drowning without dying.  You gift me with the desire to love and serve You,  My God, and I have no one and nothing to embrace or delight in but His Real Presence and the assurance of His Saving Grace for my soul.

 

Book of hours of Sinai (9th century)

Midnight Canon , 4th Ode, SC 486

I have sinned, I have failed you, O compassionate one. I have sunk in the abyss of despair; but show me in the midst of my night, as you did for the disciples journeying on the sea, O Word, and give me your divine serenity! My soul in each moment is in your hands, O my God and my help. You who sound the depths of my heart, you who know my thoughts, you know the waves, the storm, the furor of my thoughts; but I have seen you, even now, on the agitated sea of my heart. Behold, I have desired your precepts, in your righteousness make me live. Forgive, O Creator, be indulgent--you who formed me; have mercy because I am on the sea of this life. Extend your divine hand, like Peter, and lift me up. Glory to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit!

 Wrote to Dr. McGinn this morning, thanking him and sharing thoughts.  It's all part of my spiritual journey. Yes, I have learned a lot in the past 26 years, nearly, as a Catholic.  I also have lost some aspects, such as got too caught up in some parts that are my own fault, but trying hard even so.  I guess if one is going to get caught up in some part that is not balanced, at least do so trying very much! The intentions are good!  I regret that I did not stop myself sooner, but there are reasons for that, and wish I'd put a lot of the love more into loving, just simple, plain loving.  But that is now what I learned and realize, of how I swept up into the imbalance that Dr. McGinn spoke of in a talk I found someone had posted. Very good!

The correspondence, the thoughts sent:

"I have been thinking about you and wondering when your Volume 7 will be published.  Then decided to see if anyone had put additional youtube talks that you have given, online.  I found the one that is recent, three months ago, and what you said about Von Hugel's Mystical Elements of Religion was so helpful to me at yet another juncture of needing to give up trying to even consider a reset with a parish, to try to return.  It made so much sense, the imbalance of institution and intellectual that remains, and the mystical is blocked out, or set aside in a room by herself, or told outright not to be there.  Plus, the mystical notices and questions and wonders at some aspects of why such resistance, or why new age creeps into a parish, or even why the very secular and not well-written novels are the monthly choices for Catholic Book Discussion, or why the mystical simply does not fit in, or even the joyful hermit gmail account caused a Catholic electrician to question the hermit part of that email, and then not submit bid nor respond if wants the job, either way!

"Just a few of the latest blocks I've had, including no response from the parish secretary when I emailed suggesting perhaps I could try a "reset" even if I realized it could take a couple months to get an appt. with the priest.  I don't really have other contacts, but I have commented and wondered in some emails that also included encouragements for her as she is a very lovely soul; I'm not sure she'd recognize me, but perhaps.  I met her a couple times.

"So here again, just listening to a small of the longer portion of your recent talk with the Canadian group has helped me grasp and accept so much better, and I also pondered that Von Hugel spent his efforts, influence, esteemed position, and writing to try to help bring balance to the imbalance, but he really did not seem to succeed. So I considered that I am nothing to all that Von Hugel had of intellectual respect and a platform in writing and scholarly esteem, so I will not try to keep knocking on parish doors.  The institution and the intellectual represents a type of resistant mindset that perhaps is part of the Catholic collective mindset in some ways, of resistance to that which is different or even more so to mystical, for the protocols and scrutiny begins, and the fear and negation.  Likely that is  why new age creeps in; the institution seems to give berth to it when blockading or trying to suffocate mystical realities in simple folk, in the nobodies, so to speak.

"I've been pondering for some time just when the autocratic leadership modality took hold in the Church and think likely the high middle ages if not before, perhaps even started in the 6th or 7th century in the low or early middle ages. You'd know, of course.  I'm just wondering, but it makes sense that at least by the 11th century, the institution and intellectual elements took on the noble's way of power, prestige, position, and possession over the peasantry and serfdom, and that structure perhaps was adopted by the Church as institution.  

"Then in the 1600's the pope as "king" took even greater hold, and much power and landholdings and wealth from central Italy and indeed, all of Europe as the Pope's kingdom. That got disrupted in the early 19th c., I believe it was, and at some point a pope had to flee when an Italian leader went to war and took away it's land and power, prestige, position, and possessions--many of them. But the pope was given back Vatican city as a city-state, and it has built up the coffers somewhat, yet greatly reduced in the power it once had developed.

"I appreciated your saying that Von Hugel did not "leave" the Catholic Church, did not leave the institution, but rather dedicated his life to trying to right the imbalance.  Again, it seems to me he did not succeed with his life's efforts. But I at least appreciate that he tried, and his volumes on the three elements of religion are helpful in understanding my own little plight here, and of at times wondering why on earth I'd even consider a reset with a parish, or why I would even question or comment on the new age that has crept in just in a three incidents I've encountered in my brief efforts of trying to make some meaningful contacts?  I realize the power of the institution and intellectual elements and that of feeling one must have inclusion or acceptance, but when one is born with mystical--it just is not going to be a good "fit".

"I likened it to a spouse who does not understand nor accept the other, and determines to be done with the other, and no amount of love or desire or hoping or trying by the other will change the spouse's mind or decision to not want the other around or to love and desire the other.  And the longer the other does not accept and get on with life, the longer the agony persists--and for what?  For institution and intellect as opposed to a healthier balance and as Jesus said of Mary of Bethany, "she chose the better part"?

"I've tried to look upon the situation from a different perspective, and that of my being not at Catholics' level and out of their league, that I need the basic of Jesus and of His Living Word, and of the Eucharist, for so long I've been told not to come to Mass or off in a separate room, and the ecstasy during Mass did not have me receiving the tangible Host, regardless.  And now Covid has afforded so many online Masses, of which I continue to appreciate the praising and so much Jesus and His Living Word in the Vincentian priests at a retreat center in India--lots of praying and praising and simple, humble little songs of joy a couple of laypersons sing, and the priest who has a gift of healing and also is his diocese's exorcist, has a great deal of faith and also quite a positive force and more with some mystical elements, even if kind of focused on healings of all types, which of course is his particular spiritual gift!

"So I did wonder if perhaps God will use Covid and so many of us Catholics unable to wisely be at Mass in person, and to have gravitated to any number of Mass offerings around the world, to cause the institutional element to take a bit of a hit and further decline, for I notice on some days over 40,000 people from the five continents are listening to the humble and joyous Vincentian priests with their simple Masses of Jesus and His Living Word, and praise and prayer and adoration, and even of anointings, healings, and prayers of binding and casting out the oppressions and obsessions and other plights of the darker forces.  Perhaps these Masses and time of adoration and prayer contain more the balance of the three elements of religion, with a very simple little set-up and not heavy on the institution, and barely a mention of giving money, for by their inspiration people donate, it seems, and the results pay the dividends without asking or parish or diocese appeals. Yes, maybe God is doing the balancing out in His own ways and over time.  

"But the institution and intellectual is so ingrained as the two elements, that I don't think there is a place for me in my lifetime, and I am praying to finally accept this.  And it might be the institution and intellect (my own aspects of integrating it) causes the sense of guilt or something that I feel, or the sense that somehow I am in the wrong and why I'm not acceptable.  However, I have recognized this mindset of "resistance" that is so prevalent in parishioners and also most priests, and that surely must be from centuries of autocratic institution and intellectual habit; that even my various efforts of which I'd expend so much energy and love and desire to even get us to be praying for school children in a type of partners in prayer--people would go to the priest and complain that I offered them a chance to adopt a child from the Catholic primary school and pray for that child's sweet little written intentions--some of which included that mommy and daddy would not get a divorce or would stop fighting, or even that the priest's niece would be healed of her cancer.  

"The priest was not helpful in the little project I was trying to get enthusiastic involvement; he was ever suffocating me, and resented that God told me things or showed me things, and asked why not to him, why to me?  I had no idea why, of course.  Would he have wanted all the grief I was given, especially by himself?  So that program went down, and I was run out after clinging to that parish far beyond what a sensible person would do; but indeed the priest's niece had a miraculous healing from cancer just a couple weeks before she was expected to die!  It was that little child's prayer request for the year and the elderly parishioner who had liked the idea of us daily Mass or anyone else to adopt one of the school children's little prayer desire that I'd go about and have them write on a 3x5 index card, classroom by classroom. 

"Yes, I was a thorn to that priest and to the parishioners who complained.  How dare I?  Such mindsets of resistance, and as you mentioned that mystical experiences that are somehow more visible are meant as signs and to be shared with the community of the Church--I have told you what happened and not even in detail, when I began having these ecstasies during Mass.  Mercy!  Lord have mercy on me!

"So by the grace of God, and only in just the first part of your latest talk online I have found, God has used you in a massive way to reach in and help me understand, and also to consider that I must not feel guilty for not fitting in, but I also must stop trying and especially not ask questions or comment which comes off as criticism to them, such as why the lay spiritual directors in the parish all got their certification from new age places and non-Catholic places?  

"From the other perspective I have been given the other night which was humbling and thus very good, I can see that I am in a very basic level, and the parishioners have a faith so strong that it does not matter where they are influenced or taught, but I could not withstand new age instruction for I am too weak and unknowing.  I just have to stick with Jesus and His Living Word, and spiritual communion and spiritual other sacraments, for I am a frayed and small piece of weak fabric that would just tear off and waft away if not for Jesus Himself clinging to me.  I used to think I was clinging to Jesus; but it is He Who clings to me, and it is also a concrete block of pain that increasingly anchors me.

"The pain pump has not provided the pain relief, but the pain doctor had two more MRI's done so we can see where the tube went into the spinal fluid dural space; if the affable goof neurosurgeon who got the pump over my stomach too much and might be what has caused digestive issues or put the tube right through my arachnoiditis clumped nerve problem, then that may have caused the damage and difficulty, and also why I'm not getting much relief.  And I had the knee surgery, but an odd thing happened that the crutch by bed slid in the night and jammed, and I did not see the tip sticking out in early morning so tripped on it and landed on my operated knee a week after surgery.  So that knee is yet painful 10 weeks later, and I can but laugh at it all. 

"But I'm trying to re-do part of the house here and have gutted the kitchen with some help, of course, but am tediously chipping away at the hardened construction glue with composition board particles in it, using a razor scraper and bending some--yes, a painful process for me, but I get a lot of some kind of far-off praying going on while doing so.  It takes me far from here and from the body of pain, and also I consider it chipping away at my flaws and also now, at the institution and the intellectual elements so that perhaps in this little insignificant symbolic task, the Church might at some point in future history, have healthier balance.

"Mystics who have some type of function as in a religious order or clergy or in active works like Teresa of Avila or those even today who have such as gift of healing that is useful (Sr. Briege McKenna?) or exterior stigmata but know a priest who is like a guardian to them and paves the way--these fare better with the institution and the intellectual elements. But I guess it's very helpful to have Jesus clinging to me; I'd be totally lost without Him clinging!

"God bless His Real Presence in us, and THANK YOU for your not even realizing how much God has used you to keep me from losing faith and to understand and accept hopefully with graciousness, my exclusions and the reason for them.  I was a bit upset upon waking thinking of the better health years in which I'd tried to pour myself out to help in various ways and to fit in, but that mystical ecstasy really put the wrench to the engine. Yet then I considered just how much I've learned including from aspects of institution and also very much intellectual elements, plus the Lord emphasizing to me right before I was confirmed, to Think with your heart, Think with your heart, Think with YOUR HEART!

"That statement alone goes a long way, doesn't it?  I do fare far better with non-Catholics in chance encounters and interactions, other than a couple who keep in contact. We laugh a lot, which is very good. They find amusement in even my emails to a parish secretary who does not respond!  But I like the new perspective, that I'm not at all at their level, and I'm not.  I have to stick with the basics:  Jesus and more Jesus.

Take care, and keep up your tremendous efforts!  You are a true instrument of the Lord!  You have no idea just how much!"

Hermit: Listening to Dr. Bernard McGinn, Helpful

 

I found a newer video online in which my dear Dr. Bernard McGinn is speaking again about mysticism and in relationship to various considerations, including the Church.  He referenced Baron Von Hugel's early 20th century writings in two large volumes, The Mystical Elements of Religion.  Von Hugel was trying to get the Catholic Church to recognize and change the unhealthy imbalance that had developed from autocratic effects, as he wrote about the three elements of religion being the institution, the intellectual, and the mystical. 

But they need to be in balance, and they were not then, and they are not now, either.  The institution and the intellectual are heavily weighted; the mystical is not welcome other than if such as a monk or clergy might write about it in a more scholarly way, such as did the late Thomas Merton in The New Seeds of Contemplation or a handful of others who had esteem as clergy or as scholars.

Bernard also mentions in this talk I'm listening to, that mystical gifts are meant to be signs, to be shared with the community; they are not meant for the mystic him- or herself.  But of course, I have experienced firsthand for the past nearly 26 years as a Catholic, that the institution nor the intellectual elements so weighted and influencing clergy and parishioners--these elements and persons do not know how to cope with such matters, or at least not thus far.

I wrote an addendum email to the parish secretary after my one of apology and explaining that I am not at all at all of their levels of faith and fitting in and having a place as Catholics, and sorry for my criticizing and complaining.  But the addendum had to do with the fact that I am not leaving Catholicism, of course.  I explained it is like having a spouse say he or she does not want to remain any more in the marriage, and does not understand nor have a type of acceptance for the other.  It is that the one who has no place for the other in his or her life nor understands nor has a place for the one, goes on with his or her life. The one who is not acceptable and who was left, is essentially SOL, as is said--so out of luck.  

But the point is for me, is that while the institution and the intellectual are heavy-weighted, and cannot seem to get the mystical integrated into the institution and the intellectual elements of the Catholic religion (and likely would be even more so in other Christian faiths if they were more aware of mysticism and why perhaps new age is growing in popularity, unfortunately but a signal of what occurs when such as the Church becomes imbalanced and unhealthy in that regard, over time--well, the point is that Jesus then is to Whom one should turn, and to His Living Word.

Jesus never leaves nor rejects; He is ever in balance and understands, and accepts those who have mystical essence and yet wanted to be part of the institution and can also be intellectual--but the Lord has taught to think with the heart and to recognize the inner senses, and to see with inner eyes and hear with inner ears, and so forth, just in a metaphoric sense.

But not fitting in, not having a place in the Catholic Church does not mean that I am not Catholic or that I am "leaving."   It is more that I have been "left" in a sense, by virtue of not having a place nor being acceptable, and that is all right for the pain is at a point that there is not much I can "do" regarding institution very active in corporal works of mercy and some of the spiritual, and parish life requires a certain type of person--not like me, I have come repeatedly to realize.  But to keep trying and to then question and criticize--that is foolishness and not Christian behavior, for while quite humbling, I recognize I am not at their level of faith nor otherwise.

I'm simply needing to cling to Jesus, knowing that in reality He has been and is and will continue to cling to me, for I am not even strong enough to cling to Him without distractions and weakenings by sins and so forth.  Even though Jesus has broken the snare, I still tend to find the snares and fall to temptations such as questioning or criticizing or complaining--I suppose mostly because I do not fit in, am not acceptable to the institution and intellectual elements of the Church. And I do not have the stature of a Baron von Hugel nor other writers, to try to express or make headway in the imbalance of the three elements of religion.

I God wanted that, He'd have given me the ability or stature to do so.  With this reality, I then turn to Jesus and accept, and must pay no attention to the priests and parishioners.  And I do admit and did to the parish secretary, and sorry about it, but the effects of much of what went on over the past nearly 26 years has left me with difficulty in trusting most Catholics.  

It's very human, yes, I know, and very basic, and while I forgive and also understand why they had trouble coping with someone like me, the effects remain in the psyche or such, and that is one thing when the Vincentian priest in India prays for any of our wounds from past experiences, I pray for all that to be healed within.  I know Jesus will heal all that in His will and way, but I realize also that I should not be a bother to others. And life will pass sooner than later, and none of this will matter then, praise be to God!

Catholic, Joyful, Hermit, Christian Given a New Perspective

I realized last night in a new perspective that came over me, that my questioning and criticizing such as when parishes choose secular or popular novels as their book discussion fare, or such as the lay spiritual directors getting their certification from places not Catholic but new age type or Episcopalian priestess and husband's online certification program with new age ideologies--or the priest explaining to people bothered by the shift in the US toward socialism-communistic political bent by saying that Jesus and the early church were socialist in many ways--that really, I do not nor ever have felt I have a place in the Catholic church or parishes is because I am not at their level.

I am very down low, needing Jesus and His Word, clinging pathetically, not advanced in faith nor such matters so that I can afford new age or secularized novels that give more of a world view of matters such as the book club selection for this month that embraces same sex marriage and normalizes it as part of if one loves, then one accepts all.  They can do all these things and read and discuss because they are strong in faith and the Living Word and do not need to remain with the basics as I do, nor do they have to grovel and cling to Jesus as I do because of physical pain that I cannot bear well if at all.

So I keep finding things to criticize and question because I am also base in that way.  I need the basics of Scripture or such as the basics of the book written by they think Thomas a Kempis, what is considered a classic, The Imitation of Christ.  Or just the daily Gospel and other readings--I just need to try to live and do as Jesus says, and the prophets and apostles have written.  And praise God like the Psalmists.

Even as a hermit--that canonically approved hermit who was on a 13-year stalking attack and rebuttal of much that I'd share in my blogs, who'd say I was a fraud and illicit hermit, not a  Catholic hermit--she and her followers were likely correct in that I do not have a place in the Catholic Church, for I am not at their level.  My basic reading of the writings or about the hermits from the early Church on found aspects that did not jive with the canonically approved woman's way of living the hermit life.  But that only means she was also as a Catholic and approved by a bishop, at some higher level where I am not.

And I am increasingly at lower levels, and the more suffering I have as I get older, and now the knee is so painful for something is not right from after that surgery, perhaps from the fall on that knee a week after surgery--I just have to cling to Jesus in a very basic way, and get myself away from all that is beyond me which are parishes and canonical this and that, and from wondering why it was and is that I do not seem to fit into them or have a "place" in the Catholic Church or most anywhere, is because my faith is at a very basic level of learning and development, and I must cling to Jesus or even more so, He is clinging on to me lest I fray and like a nearly threadbare piece of painfully torn cloth, I shred and blow away with a slight breeze, taking the heaviness of physical pain along with me, of course.

I wrote an email and apologized to the parish secretary to whom I write every couple of months or six weeks or so, and who only once responded.  I apologized to her and explained I'd been given an entirely different perspective last night as to why I am not where they all are, and why I need far more basic such as Jesus and His Living Word, and even as a hermit explained how this woman elsewhere went on for years that I was a fraud and not credible as a Catholic hermit, and I said I suppose that is so, as I'm not even really at any level of Catholics in general, for they are far beyond my most basic level of spiritual need and what I must be focusing on.  

Plus, my rudeness in questioning things and criticizing, and wondering such as why the Catholic electrician shifted his affect and did not send the bid--they all are beyond me, and I simply do not fit in nor have a place for I'm not at that level where they are, not physically, either, besides in faith and spiritual acuity.  I put weak faith and distracted mind at risk if I'd read a novel or take courses from a new age spiritual direction credentialing place.

I thought of the person I know who reads and passes along all types of issues in the Church plus political situations including conspiracy theory type articles, and I questioned her about why she would get into that stuff, fill her mind with it. She said she likes to see other viewpoints.  I realize she is strong in her faith so that she can afford to do that, and has the time to do it for she does not spend time distracting from so much physical pain.  And she was born Catholic in a huge family, and they are established and fit in and have a place, and it is more black and white for them.

I just need to cling to Jesus and know that He is clinging more to me than I to Him.  How can I even presume that it is I who cling to Jesus, when He is all powerful, all knowing, ever present--and I'm wafting about, emailing a parish secretary who is really the only person I know there, as someone I've had contact with, and who one time did respond to an email very kindly, but that was because I felt I needed to take a step back and pray and try to listen to what God wants of me.  

I was trying to figure out why I question and find things to question, or criticize, or whatever we want to call it.  When all along i is because I am not part of that or them, not at that level of activity nor acceptance nor abilities to take in and absorb, wen I have to simply cling to Jesus and His Living Word--to more steep myself, for I have wafted and slacked.

It's all another world, is that world, and I'm not in that world.  I must accept it, for the Lord sent my late dad once with that as part of a three-pronged message to me:  You do not belong to that world--and he indicated over toward the parish across the street from where I lived at the time of his miraculous, mystical visit in vision and locutions, from a Friday late afternoon to late Sunday afternoon, my late dad in my house there, with me but toward the end materializing a second time and speaking before dissipating wondrously, leaving me with the peace of the Holy Spirit and awe of God.

So be it.  I just need to hunker down here with Jesus and His Word, with God the Father, with the Holy Spirit the Paraclete, and with whomever else such as the Virgin Mary or various saints canonized but most of them not.  

This is real progress--humbling--but progress, and it is at least a positive step even if to some it may not seem so.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Christian, Joyful, or Always Trying to Be

 I never heard back from the Catholic electrician who with is wife (he later told me they divorced at ages 62 and 55) advertise their electrical business in the online parish bulletin.  He never sent the bid he said he would send in a couple days; that was 11 days ago. He did not respond to two texts of my inquiring if he would send it, and then simply asking him to please let me know either way, yes or no.  

So I left a review online with two stars--out of kindness for he did come and spent time assessing the kitchen-laundry-half bath remodel electrical work.  When it came time to say he'd send the bid and wanted my email, I noticed a shift in his demeanor and affect when hermit came up.  I emphasized the joyful, as I said with the suffering I have, I need "joyful" as a reminder to at least try to be.  But he wanted to ask about the hermit, part, and I simply said, "I am, but the joyful is the important part of what I need to be."

I did mention in the review that if I learn he has passed away or is in hospital with COVID, I will be happy to change the review and give more stars to the rating, but that although he seemed to know his electrical profession and seemed a nice man, it does no good to not send the bid nor to not respond.

This episode led to my questioning, "How many Catholics do I even trust?"  I counted up three laymen in my life, yet alive, that I hold in high esteem and could trust and count on due to their being fine souls, moral, and all around solid human beings.  I considered how many Catholic females I even have contact with, and there are about three of them, as well, with one very elderly and a convert, so perhaps her Presbyterian roots remain, for as Ecclesiastes--or is it Proverbs?--says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is grown will not depart from it."  Or perhaps she was reared in the far earlier times of what would be called also, "good stock."  

The nonagenarian friend is a model of graciousness; she is not into discussing the Church nor the spiritual life nor feeling guilty that she likes sports events to watch and reads novels to pass time.  She is wise and prudent, plus lovely and delightful.  And she is spending a half hour daily with the Lord in reading and pondering His Word.  I admit that I have grown totally slack other than in hanging on with suffering. I have read nothing for some time other than the Gospel reading or with effort, a short commentary by a saint that goes along with the readings that come to my little window to the world, this laptop, through a sign-up to some Catholic site online.

Another Catholic female is likely well on her way to sainthood; and in fact, she is very current on the details of canonization process and writes daily a short excerpt of a saint for the day she chooses and shares.  It is quite lovely, actually, and sometimes she will mention some detail of what Doctor of the Church got a day officially on the "calendar"--such as St. John of God (or Avila) has May 10 now, as his feast day. 

This one has suffered for years from what is considered a hereditary mental illness in some or most persons who suffer it, and suffer she has!  She is on medications to manage it, after having gone through a period of time ten or more years ago of weekly electric shock treatments.  With a loyal, faithful, wondrous husband, the woman is an inspiration of disciplined dedication to the verbal and mental prayers and devotions of the Church.  Lovely person whose acceptance of temporal Church matters without questioning--that might seem a true relief!  I suspect what her brain has suffered and the types of medications required have played a role.

Then there is the third Catholic, a rare phone caller, dear soul, a friend, who is very devout, also, and yet in a different way.  She, too, is very disciplined and yet can get into some conspiracy type matters on occasion, but says she likes to be aware of all views.  Her humility and again, discipline that is firm, rigid--well, that is not meant negatively--is admirable in a way that makes it seem to me would be easier to have that element rather than how I am.  I think too much, and am seeing and sensing then researching, reasoning, questioning, analyzing, and asking what was it when Jesus was alive, and how would He consider such or so?

(Might I conclude that I am not on these persons' holiness track nor human success index?  I lack a certain type of discipline and strength; I have been given gifts but waft away, such as putting a soap solution on the construction glue that is squiggled all over the subflooring and has sawdust from composition board melded in it--and then hours at using a razor scraper to try to get it all up. I'll be at this task for several days, body able and God willing. And that is point to self: Does God will my mindless and painstaking task, or that I'm doing this carpentry work yet again--barely able?  Or ought I be doing writing of more purpose that for years I have wanted to do, or felt I ought, but somehow I feel as if it is not quite yet the right time--or, perhaps I simply lack discipline and have far too many excuses, nor the follow through of what might be better to write than the meandering thoughts.)  

(I got the first of the two Covid vaccines, for example, and this other is likely not going to because it is said that one or two of the producers of the vaccines has used stem cell from a baby aborted quite awhile ago--not that time lessens the wrong of abortion, killing a human being who is innocently awaiting birth in the womb of his or her mother.  However, I mentioned that if I were that baby, that soul, since I was murdered--dead--I'd rather have my life mean something to others, be of help to the world, than to simply be a dead little body in shoe box in an abortion doctor/killer's garage.  While it ended up that the vaccine I received is not the one that utilizes that murdered baby's stem cells, I'd not let such a thing stop me from appreciating a medication that can help me not contract nor spread COVID. I'm not resistant to medication, nor to that which is sacrificed by others, such as the dead person's bone that created a couple of new vertebra for me. Thank you for your sacrifice, whomever!)

And I also have to factor in my mystical experiences, particularly those of the other side, of the death experience, and of my own being reared not a Catholic, so I don't have the same type of discipline in a rote way, nor the unquestioning aspect.  But I suspect my "problem" or "burden" is in seeing and sensing matters deeply within, or being shown matters that protrude to me whereas they seem to go unnoticed or unfelt by most others.

Thus, upon the Catholic electrician leaving, when I'd picked up the "vibe" or whatever of his shift in affect over the word "hermit" and whatever it must have conjured in him--which does tend to really get to Catholics more than other persons--I asked the Lord could I really trust a Catholic to do the electrical work, or would it just lead to more problems for me of unacceptance and hassles.  Also, he had put an immediate negative comment upon where I was going to put a pocket door, thus a switch and outlet needing to be moved.  He immediately commented that I could not hang cabinets over a pocket door.

To that I said I'll have to consult with Craig, my construction mentor and advisor in another state who taught me much and is still doing so via telephone.  For I pointed out that the cabinets are 42", and that gives me 16" above the pocket  door space...(and then I thought but did not explain as the Catholic electrician was not wanting me to go into it, but I figured that  I could screw the tall 42"x36" wide cabinets with hefty screws into three studs, two or three rows across, plus if I mark (which I would) where the 3/4" slats of wood that comprise a pocket door frame, and use 11/4" screws that would go through cabinet, drywall, and into those slats--perhaps even get by with 1 1/2" screws, these would anchor the cabinets.  

A phone call to Craig a few days later affirmed that yes, indeed, I can hang those cabinets in front of a pocket door space, given the 16" above to secure them plenty, and the lower part to secure as long as I do not get the screws into the pocket door space needed for the door to glide.

And that aspect of how the Catholic man immediately was resistant and negative to what were my plans--as I also was sensing he was not quite enjoying that an old person such as myself was figuring out and planning this remodel and was actively into the gutting and figuring the framing process--well, it was a bummer, a suffocating downer.  I sensed this in a flash, and I've been considering that in my years as a Catholic, that the main problem in parishes and with several priests was that there is a spirit of resistance in many of them.  

And I think that comes from likely the Middle Ages, at least the High Middle Ages from around 1000 onward, when the autocratic leadership modality took deep root, or deeper root as more following the ways of noblity and kingship ruling over the vast peasantry. Autocratic leadership is resistant to ideas and can-do or possibilty-thinking underlings or lessers.

And mystics are possibility thinkers, are can-do types for they have the experiences of miracles and supernatural realities, and of the joie-de-vivre of not fearing death for some already experienced it, and the desire to be with the Trinity and not in the suffering body and the trials of the temporal--especially that of so much resistance of physical matter, for one--mystics don't do well at all with resistant mindsets nor practices.

Mystics tend to suffer a great deal, foremost in physical sufferings, bodily sufferings, but also with persecutions and in the ontological aloneness as well as the temporal aloneness of being reminded either by others themselves or with the innate recognition via rejections, that they are "different."  And that is the nice way of putting it:  odd, weird, strange, crazy and off-kilter are the less kind descriptors.

But for me, I have become a terrible slacker in general, and I mean that in the overt aspects of spiritual reading, praying, and of even writing thoughts that might be of some worth to others or what God would like, even if the thoughts are questioning or admitting my flaws, or of going on about observations and trying to figure out why it is that such as "resistance" seems prevalent in  Catholic parishes and in priests and bishops, or why mystics or even a hermit is a stumbling block within the ranks.

I struggle to do the knee exercises, thus my knee is very painful. The orthopedic surgeon thinks it is going to take longer to know for  sure if I did damage to the knee when I had a fluke trip over a crutch early morning the week after the surgery, and fell full force on the surgeried knee.  He pointed out that the stance I take of knees slightly bent and legs clinched and body bent forward a bit to chip away at composition board that was glued and stapled to OSB subflooring--puts a lot of pressure on my knees.

However, the overall bodily pain is registered upward as the pain doctor and I are working on ascertaining if the neurosurgeon got the tube from the pain pump correctly into the intrathecal space of spinal cord.  Two MRI's with contrast might show, and I will discuss the results with him next week.  So to try to do knee exercises which cause the knee to hurt more--well, it just seems my mind is unwilling to make my body do them on any regular basis!

The Lord has pointed out to me from Ash Wednesday on, some grievous faults I have.  A main vice is my impatience which leads to easy frustration.  He's been giving me daily tests and trials, so I'm trying hard to be joyful and to persevere, to keep my cool, to laugh about how God is showing me in so very many ways, just how impatient I am--and by His grace the means to at least try to develop more patience...or at least to recognize the tests and trials as requiring lots of patience.

Also, the Lord has pointed out to me yet again how I analyze and perceive--and these at times to a fault.  I am so very critical; I notice details and that includes in persons and personalities, in their traits--as well as mine.  And I also continue to try to reach back into such as a Catholic parish, only to have negative experience even if but with one lone Catholic electrician.  Whereas in general, when I just go with the flow of such as spontaneity of someone saying they know a  piekleball player who does handyman work--and that guy comes buy, and he's not resistant although he thinks things through, of course.  Sometimes even for can-do people, we learn that something cannot be done. And that is wonderful, too!  A possibility thinker is not bothered when a plan has to be re-routed; but the point is to try, to explore, to have the vision and then go from Plan A to Plan B and so forth.

Resistors suffocate and negate before investigating the possibilties. And it is a mindset that somehow becomes developed, likely at an early age, and it does seem that some groups in society tend to either perpetuate that or establish that mindset, or make it feel comfortable.  Believe it or not, many elementary school teachers have that more external locus of control mindset.  It is more prone to structure and rote thinking.

I've become quite the slacker, an impatient one, a critical one, and yet a foolish one to keep thinking or wondering or trying to do a parish re-set of sorts.  I even sent an email to the parish secretary wondering if a re-set try for me would be possible.  She does not respond nor has for a few months of my checking in every now and then with an email. Of course, I had noticed a very secular book yet again chosen for the parish "Catholic" Book Club, and I mentioned this, that the reviews show it to be rather banal in its writing and contains non-Christian embraces that are yet quite popular in a trendy, secular sense of the new order of morality.  Why do I notice these things--and more so, why do I question or mention them?

I had added in my email that it is such as even the books selected for the parish book club, that makes me wonder if I'd fit in with that, for although very popular to the secular world despite it's not being well-written, I'd never buy nor read such a book--not when there are so many marvelous biographies of saints or even the more Catholic-lite books written. At least they'd bring some spiritual truth and Catholic teaching to the discussion. So I realized I'm probably not a candidate for a parish re-set. I really should stop reaching in.

In fact, I've spent much time writing my thoughts and also of more spiritual pith--to the nonagenarian and the woman who sends the daily, quite succinct, saint selections.  And they really are not interested in the thoughts, analyses, questions, wonderments, or mystical or spiritual connections that flow through and around this trying-to-be-joyful Catholic and more so, Christian and hermit's nights and days.

One positive effort I've been putting forth is that I'm doing Penance Payments to those who have put up with my sufferings and trials and misfitting and all the strife that goes along with such a person.  A few have born my flaws and difficulties with grace and love, and they deserve positive reinforcement. The penance aspect might be helpful to my soul, as well; I leave that and really all else to God.  The payments are not always monetary, but in many cases money is what people want or in less cases, need.

I even did a reward prize to a cabinet employee who'd made a tremendous error in the entire order, from either not listening to something I was saying--perhaps tuning it out?--or from being under stress from overwork or something other.  The entire order had to be re-ordered anew, this time with plywood box instruction as I had specifically said I did not want particle board, for any moisture or leaks which kitchens, baths, and laundry rooms can easily have, will turn particle board cabinets to swollen messes or downright mush, and then mold sets into the drywall and floor underneath.

Yes, I made a home made prize card with a note expressing how it is easy to get little store badges for having done a good job that a customer notices and tells the manager, but to make a huge and costly error and handling it with grace and courage, and re-ordering, making it right, takes a real hero, and thus I was rewarding him for accepting the error and correcting it.  Inside was a crisp bill of which, of course I'd ruminated if I could get by with a lesser denomination.  In the end, I let the banker decide as I asked which of the bills would he have that are crisp and new? It was the larger amount!  And indeed, that larger amount made an impact, for how many employees get a prize for goofing up?

That penance payment (while the employee laughs a lot at things I say, he also has had to do extra work in answering questions over details of the types of possibiities and creative ideas someone like me comes up with) is for his having born me well, and also for having not debated long with me over his having ordered particle board and not the plywood box construction cabinets.  I have had situation in previous location of the store putting me through 2 1/2 years of battle when they erred.  Praise God this employee is honorable!

Origen (c.185-253) has written that "Mortal life is full of obstacles to stumble over, covered with the snares of deception."  Origen goes on to explain, of course, that because the enemy, the devil, places snares everywhere and has catches practically everyone in them, it was necessary for God to have someone stronger come to break the snares and destroy the path of those trying to follow the enemy.  That is why before saving us and bring us the Church as His bride, Jesus was also tempted by the devil.  It was in this way that Jesus taught the Church that it is not through luxuriousness and pleasure but through trials that we must come to Christ.

Origen, also, points out that Jesus walked through the trials and snares but was not Himself entangled in them.  And when Jesus broke and destroyed the snares, that of sin, He encouraged us of His Church to from now on, "crush obstacles underfoot, climb over the snares and say, in all happiness: Our soul like a bird has escaped from the fowler.  The snare has been broken and we have been saved" [Psalm 124:7]

And so forth, Origen reminds that while Jesus underwent death, He did so voluntarily--but that we do not die voluntarily for we are bound by sin.  Because Jesus is free among the dead, He conquered death; and He thus was and is able to free all of us captives and bring us to Him in the freedom on high with Him, bringing us to life in Him, which to me certainly seems as heaven.  And it also seems to me that to have the snare broken includes that snare of a resistant spirit, a mind that thinks not in possibilities and the "joyous perhaps," but rather in that of nay-saying and doubtful negativity.

I suppose a joyful hermit to most people, would seem to be a contradiction, or each and both oddities of terms in themselves.  As I myself do not often consider myself in term identifying as a hermit, nor even as a "Catholic" in the sense of parish type or temporal Catholic, I'd rather focus now on being that soul-bird freed from the fowler, and to painfully as stuck in this body for time-being--to at least try to joyfully wing my way with and in Jesus as a freed former captive, no longer around the resistors but with Christ Who Is Love and Truth and the Assurance of Salvation.

Jesus was and IS a Possibility Savior.  He quietly let the resistors walk away, sad.  It is easier for me to grasp that those who are resistors are simply those who are not ready to at least try to fly free, or who not yet realize there is the possibility of being a soul like a bird, and escape the fowler because Jesus broke the snare!  We have been saved!

I feel and think that I should return to writing the thoughts and feelings, even of my real self of sin and flaws, rather than to bore the couple of Catholic friends to whom I have written emails which, of course, they can easily delete.  In this venue, people can even more easily pass by, click off, not return.  Yet in the meantime I have expressed what I set out to do, and that is to chronicle my journey, my personal, spiritual journey, through its twist and turns, hills and vales of life--and yes, a life of a lot of pain.  All is filtered through a gluey, globbed and hardened mess of pain that I must continue trying to chip through and sand down as it can deter in ways that are such a burden to others, for one thing, even if it likely is a grace to me in the long run.... 

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love God above all things and love one another--which means I must also love the resistors yet am not ensnared nor need to be, by resistance.  Jesus has freed us all from that!

Christian, Catholic, Joyful Hermit: Persevere!

I had a major assignment for a soul and this country for a few years. I still pray, of course, but the assignment is dwindling, my task seems finished on that front.  

Then the bodily suffering took an unexpected turn. The intrathecal pump surgery resulted in the surgeon goofing a bit in a way that I don't think is going to be remedied.  He was rushing about--a youngish neurosurgeon who's abilities are obviously not great nor keen or he'd be doing more than just intrathecal pumps and tube up into the spinal cord (the tricky part). But he could not even get the pump in the correct location!

So I've suffered for the first four weeks after surgery with inability to eat much at all and with terrible nausea to a point of unable to even keep a tiny bit down.  Three trips to ER did not resolve anything other than the tube was intact, a scan showed, after vomiting with much force, prior and as result of the nausea increasing.

By the grace of God, literally, and the Holy Spirit helping me locate information that, all down the line of symptoms, fits what has occurred to my abdominal tract, I came across a diet that seems to be helping the nausea, plus one ER doctor prescribed a medication that Mayo Clinic also mentions that can help some with those suffering from Gastroparesis.  The diet recommended is rather dismal--until I consider people in poverty and third-world countries who'd be thrilled to be able to eat white bread and mashed potatoes!

I got a grip this past (fifth) week with the Reglan medication and being very careful to not eat much and only the sour dough or white bread, a slice toasted in the morning, and sip slowly over several hours an 8 oz. of protein drink.  In the evening a small amount of mashed potatoes--finally I was able to overcome much of the nausea and kept down the food of this Gastroparesis type diet. 

Despite my pointing out to the three ER doctors, the pain doctor, the neurosurgeon (who is finished with me as he does not want to take responsibility for getting the pump placed too high and thus near or over part of my stomach and upper left intestines), and an internal med doctor--no one wants to simply accept that my suffering has to do with the pump surgery.  I've never had such digestive issues in my life--not until five weeks ago yesterday, the date of the pump surgery.

I know people have been praying for me; I'm so grateful!  And I have prayed, obviously.  I have had emotions ranging from wanting the pump removed, to totally giving up and accepting bed-ridden, weak, and stuck with what is known as an unhealthy diet simply due to one day fine with no pump and the next not all right and with pump.  And while it ought to seem a small matter, I had no idea just how debilitating digestive troubles can be! Pray for people of all ages with variety of gastro-intestinal ailments!  Two weeks ago I had lost 16 lbs. and was not heavy to begin with.  I suppose by now maybe 20 lbs, but I am far from the emaciated little children featured in ads for food drives for the starving children of Africa.  

I am sending money to Fr. Vincent in Nigeria, in thinking of people there who have not enough to eat.  I don't know if he has access to the poorest of the poor; he is working in his religious community's boarding high school for boys and girls.  But he knows of plenty of people with a variety of needs, and at least it is something I was able to do and plan to do again when well enough to get to the Western Union in a grocery nearby.  I will say, that while Western Union is one of the safest and most direct ways to send money to Nigeria, I have had at least a half dozen scam calls as a result.  The scammers hack into Western Union or buy off the Nigerian officials on that end for the names and phone numbers and amounts transacted, and they are relentless in trying to shake me down over the phone, to which I let them know they are but scammers and their gig is so stupid sounding--why do they bother trying?  This last time I said they certainly persevere, but they don't fool me.  I've tried simply saying, "Scam!" and hang up, or I hang up without any words spoken, or to responding to a man with thick Nigerian accent saying he is from the FBI--"Well, I can call the real FBI on you, how's that?"  

Perhaps my abdomen needs lots of time to adapt to this hockey-size puck taking up plenty of space in the abdomen?  I have no idea, other than my life is totally altered...and I still have no medication in the pump yet to even see if that will help the spinal pain, the arachnoiditis pain that affects the body's nerves emanating from the lumbar spine in particular.  The pain doctor does not want to put in medication until the gastrointestinal issue is figured out.  But he was unwilling to refer me to a specialist, saying the internal med doctor can do that. The woman I saw a week ago was so inept and out of touch from her medical degree three decades ago, that she did not want to do the referral.  I told her they are the last avenue for a referral, and I thought she muttered she'd "put me in the system" on her way out of the exam room--but there's been no call; and I think it would be as well to not be "in the system" of that medical group, from past experiences.

I resolved to fully relinquish my body to God.  I'm more off this earth than on.  I listen/watch whatever Masses I can find that cover a variety of areas of the world--India, England, Canada, and two locations in the USA.  I follow along with two sites, taking turns, with the rosary, and the Divine Mercy Chaplet that the seminarians pray from the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, MA.  I mostly watch/listen to the EWTN and National Shrine of Divine Mercy masses and the Canadian Mass daily.  

Depending on pain and nausea level, I appreciate priests with soft voices, not strident.  I realize this seems a terrible thing to be concerned about, but when one is suffering, voice tonalities can make a difference.  I'm sorry to say so--but honesty is the best policy. I realize a person's voice is not easily altered, but it is possible to lower tone and attempt to soften our voices.  

Also, sermons reflecting the Scriptures are far more helpful to the mind, heart, and soul than those hashing over the rules created by people in the church over the past 11 centuries or so, or retelling saint stories, inspiring as their lives can be.  From the mystical ecstasies during Mass when I was physically able to attend parish masses, the ecstasies were always the most profound and deep, the union with Christ the greatest--when the priest would preach on the Living Word of God--not anecdotal renderings of this or that, with vague or limited linkage to Scripture.  Just in case someone reads this who can mention to a priest, or if a priest reads this--the Lord seems to love most when His Living Word is discussed and preached at Mass (and I assume anytime).

So this brings me to my suffering and insufferable phase of time here.  I myself ought to be preaching Christ and His Living Word in what I ponder and share.  I ought to be steeped in His Living Word, uniting my body, mind, heart, and soul to Christ Jesus and all matters relating to His Real Presence:  God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit!

I have not wanted to continue in life, that is for sure.  Yet I have nothing to complain about, really--not much at all.  I have a roof over head and white bread and some remaining Thanksgiving turkey, mashed potatoes, and bread stuffing that a daughter, her husband, and grandson brought yesterday evening.  I have canned goods in the pantry and some eggs and loaf of white bread, and some protein powder to mix.  I have a bed, a lovely view out windows installed six weeks ago; I have heat and running water!  I am blessed beyond measure with three adult children each making contact yesterday, Thanksgiving.  I have oral pain medication and enough Reglan to take prior to eating for the nausea and also supposedly helps stimulate digestive tract muscles.  I pray this situation is temporary, not permanent; but there are people in the world who have permanent Gastroparesis, and that can occur with Arachnoiditis patients at some time or other, of which I am one.

I continue to pray for others and to pray for Jesus to come take me with Him; and if not, then to show me purpose in this phase of life and whatever this is, unfolding. So I need purpose anew, and purpose renewed, and purpose of and in God's will!  I have my harp here, unpacked, and whether or not I could play it reclining, I guess only trying will tell.  I have my little window to the world--this laptop--yet have not been writing my blog sites, this or the newer one.  I have a variety of ideas for book projects, but I have not focused to put anything into action.  I'm considering the one shorter project that has been set aside for seven years or more. 

Why?  I lack some oomph.  I lack purpose.  I lack perseverance!

I'm not even sure what Scripture in Mass of the past couple of days that mentioned the word persevere or perseverance.  I think it might have been in addition to the persistent widow who did not relent until her prayers were answered, or the widow who persevered with the judge in being granted a ruling.  So in all my jibber-jabber above of what has been going on in my suffering and insufferable existence of these past five weeks, I do know what to do that is pleasing to God and productive of my life as it is currently.

I know to persevere  in prayer, love of God, love of others.  Persevere in this temporal life yet with the perseverance of one who has already departed the world, departed the temporal, departed the suffering that is notably the suffering of all mankind deep down within our earthly lives that suffer the reality that we are not in union yet with God, with the Beloved, with the One who completes our being by being subsumed into His Holy Being.

My purpose next and now will have to be rooted in His Real Presence. What I write must be in line with what my soul experiences or did, when I was in a holy Mass, in person, back when I was physically able to be in a holy Mass.  And that means my life and mind and thoughts and writing and what little speaking which might be my voice used every few days if a phone call is necessary for an appointment or such as the joy of two phone visits and one in-person visit yesterday--a most lovely Thanksgiving gift of hearing from the adult children!  

But for you and for God and in emails and blogs, I must persevere in exuding His Real Presence--His Living Words, His lovely actions and gifts to me and others in this our temporal life times, and in praise of God despite any sense of lostness of purpose or unknowing of purpose in whatever is now and next.  And it all takes perseverance.  Persevere in prayer; persevere in purpose no matter if purpose in trying to get up and walk around Solus Deus hermitage house a little bit to build up stamina...perseverance!  

Persevere in trying to read one or more of the many spiritual, holy, Godly books here that I'm so blessed to have.  Or persevere in trying to eat something that will build the body and strengthen the mind, heart and soul to persevere on in whatever way and means God asks of me for whatever time is remaining here on earth.  Persevere in writing, in thinking, in loving, in sharing, in praying, in hanging on to Christ Who Is always hanging on to us, never letting go of us, never hurting us, always persevering in pursuit of our love and in loving us eternally no matter what!

God bless His Real Presence in us, dear readers and friends in Christ Jesus!  Persevere!