I never heard back from the Catholic electrician who with is wife (he later told me they divorced at ages 62 and 55) advertise their electrical business in the online parish bulletin. He never sent the bid he said he would send in a couple days; that was 11 days ago. He did not respond to two texts of my inquiring if he would send it, and then simply asking him to please let me know either way, yes or no.
So I left a review online with two stars--out of kindness for he did come and spent time assessing the kitchen-laundry-half bath remodel electrical work. When it came time to say he'd send the bid and wanted my email, I noticed a shift in his demeanor and affect when hermit came up. I emphasized the joyful, as I said with the suffering I have, I need "joyful" as a reminder to at least try to be. But he wanted to ask about the hermit, part, and I simply said, "I am, but the joyful is the important part of what I need to be."
I did mention in the review that if I learn he has passed away or is in hospital with COVID, I will be happy to change the review and give more stars to the rating, but that although he seemed to know his electrical profession and seemed a nice man, it does no good to not send the bid nor to not respond.
This episode led to my questioning, "How many Catholics do I even trust?" I counted up three laymen in my life, yet alive, that I hold in high esteem and could trust and count on due to their being fine souls, moral, and all around solid human beings. I considered how many Catholic females I even have contact with, and there are about three of them, as well, with one very elderly and a convert, so perhaps her Presbyterian roots remain, for as Ecclesiastes--or is it Proverbs?--says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is grown will not depart from it." Or perhaps she was reared in the far earlier times of what would be called also, "good stock."
The nonagenarian friend is a model of graciousness; she is not into discussing the Church nor the spiritual life nor feeling guilty that she likes sports events to watch and reads novels to pass time. She is wise and prudent, plus lovely and delightful. And she is spending a half hour daily with the Lord in reading and pondering His Word. I admit that I have grown totally slack other than in hanging on with suffering. I have read nothing for some time other than the Gospel reading or with effort, a short commentary by a saint that goes along with the readings that come to my little window to the world, this laptop, through a sign-up to some Catholic site online.
Another Catholic female is likely well on her way to sainthood; and in fact, she is very current on the details of canonization process and writes daily a short excerpt of a saint for the day she chooses and shares. It is quite lovely, actually, and sometimes she will mention some detail of what Doctor of the Church got a day officially on the "calendar"--such as St. John of God (or Avila) has May 10 now, as his feast day.
This one has suffered for years from what is considered a hereditary mental illness in some or most persons who suffer it, and suffer she has! She is on medications to manage it, after having gone through a period of time ten or more years ago of weekly electric shock treatments. With a loyal, faithful, wondrous husband, the woman is an inspiration of disciplined dedication to the verbal and mental prayers and devotions of the Church. Lovely person whose acceptance of temporal Church matters without questioning--that might seem a true relief! I suspect what her brain has suffered and the types of medications required have played a role.
Then there is the third Catholic, a rare phone caller, dear soul, a friend, who is very devout, also, and yet in a different way. She, too, is very disciplined and yet can get into some conspiracy type matters on occasion, but says she likes to be aware of all views. Her humility and again, discipline that is firm, rigid--well, that is not meant negatively--is admirable in a way that makes it seem to me would be easier to have that element rather than how I am. I think too much, and am seeing and sensing then researching, reasoning, questioning, analyzing, and asking what was it when Jesus was alive, and how would He consider such or so?
(Might I conclude that I am not on these persons' holiness track nor human success index? I lack a certain type of discipline and strength; I have been given gifts but waft away, such as putting a soap solution on the construction glue that is squiggled all over the subflooring and has sawdust from composition board melded in it--and then hours at using a razor scraper to try to get it all up. I'll be at this task for several days, body able and God willing. And that is point to self: Does God will my mindless and painstaking task, or that I'm doing this carpentry work yet again--barely able? Or ought I be doing writing of more purpose that for years I have wanted to do, or felt I ought, but somehow I feel as if it is not quite yet the right time--or, perhaps I simply lack discipline and have far too many excuses, nor the follow through of what might be better to write than the meandering thoughts.)
(I got the first of the two Covid vaccines, for example, and this other is likely not going to because it is said that one or two of the producers of the vaccines has used stem cell from a baby aborted quite awhile ago--not that time lessens the wrong of abortion, killing a human being who is innocently awaiting birth in the womb of his or her mother. However, I mentioned that if I were that baby, that soul, since I was murdered--dead--I'd rather have my life mean something to others, be of help to the world, than to simply be a dead little body in shoe box in an abortion doctor/killer's garage. While it ended up that the vaccine I received is not the one that utilizes that murdered baby's stem cells, I'd not let such a thing stop me from appreciating a medication that can help me not contract nor spread COVID. I'm not resistant to medication, nor to that which is sacrificed by others, such as the dead person's bone that created a couple of new vertebra for me. Thank you for your sacrifice, whomever!)
And I also have to factor in my mystical experiences, particularly those of the other side, of the death experience, and of my own being reared not a Catholic, so I don't have the same type of discipline in a rote way, nor the unquestioning aspect. But I suspect my "problem" or "burden" is in seeing and sensing matters deeply within, or being shown matters that protrude to me whereas they seem to go unnoticed or unfelt by most others.
Thus, upon the Catholic electrician leaving, when I'd picked up the "vibe" or whatever of his shift in affect over the word "hermit" and whatever it must have conjured in him--which does tend to really get to Catholics more than other persons--I asked the Lord could I really trust a Catholic to do the electrical work, or would it just lead to more problems for me of unacceptance and hassles. Also, he had put an immediate negative comment upon where I was going to put a pocket door, thus a switch and outlet needing to be moved. He immediately commented that I could not hang cabinets over a pocket door.
To that I said I'll have to consult with Craig, my construction mentor and advisor in another state who taught me much and is still doing so via telephone. For I pointed out that the cabinets are 42", and that gives me 16" above the pocket door space...(and then I thought but did not explain as the Catholic electrician was not wanting me to go into it, but I figured that I could screw the tall 42"x36" wide cabinets with hefty screws into three studs, two or three rows across, plus if I mark (which I would) where the 3/4" slats of wood that comprise a pocket door frame, and use 11/4" screws that would go through cabinet, drywall, and into those slats--perhaps even get by with 1 1/2" screws, these would anchor the cabinets.
A phone call to Craig a few days later affirmed that yes, indeed, I can hang those cabinets in front of a pocket door space, given the 16" above to secure them plenty, and the lower part to secure as long as I do not get the screws into the pocket door space needed for the door to glide.
And that aspect of how the Catholic man immediately was resistant and negative to what were my plans--as I also was sensing he was not quite enjoying that an old person such as myself was figuring out and planning this remodel and was actively into the gutting and figuring the framing process--well, it was a bummer, a suffocating downer. I sensed this in a flash, and I've been considering that in my years as a Catholic, that the main problem in parishes and with several priests was that there is a spirit of resistance in many of them.
And I think that comes from likely the Middle Ages, at least the High Middle Ages from around 1000 onward, when the autocratic leadership modality took deep root, or deeper root as more following the ways of noblity and kingship ruling over the vast peasantry. Autocratic leadership is resistant to ideas and can-do or possibilty-thinking underlings or lessers.
And mystics are possibility thinkers, are can-do types for they have the experiences of miracles and supernatural realities, and of the joie-de-vivre of not fearing death for some already experienced it, and the desire to be with the Trinity and not in the suffering body and the trials of the temporal--especially that of so much resistance of physical matter, for one--mystics don't do well at all with resistant mindsets nor practices.
Mystics tend to suffer a great deal, foremost in physical sufferings, bodily sufferings, but also with persecutions and in the ontological aloneness as well as the temporal aloneness of being reminded either by others themselves or with the innate recognition via rejections, that they are "different." And that is the nice way of putting it: odd, weird, strange, crazy and off-kilter are the less kind descriptors.
But for me, I have become a terrible slacker in general, and I mean that in the overt aspects of spiritual reading, praying, and of even writing thoughts that might be of some worth to others or what God would like, even if the thoughts are questioning or admitting my flaws, or of going on about observations and trying to figure out why it is that such as "resistance" seems prevalent in Catholic parishes and in priests and bishops, or why mystics or even a hermit is a stumbling block within the ranks.
I struggle to do the knee exercises, thus my knee is very painful. The orthopedic surgeon thinks it is going to take longer to know for sure if I did damage to the knee when I had a fluke trip over a crutch early morning the week after the surgery, and fell full force on the surgeried knee. He pointed out that the stance I take of knees slightly bent and legs clinched and body bent forward a bit to chip away at composition board that was glued and stapled to OSB subflooring--puts a lot of pressure on my knees.
However, the overall bodily pain is registered upward as the pain doctor and I are working on ascertaining if the neurosurgeon got the tube from the pain pump correctly into the intrathecal space of spinal cord. Two MRI's with contrast might show, and I will discuss the results with him next week. So to try to do knee exercises which cause the knee to hurt more--well, it just seems my mind is unwilling to make my body do them on any regular basis!
The Lord has pointed out to me from Ash Wednesday on, some grievous faults I have. A main vice is my impatience which leads to easy frustration. He's been giving me daily tests and trials, so I'm trying hard to be joyful and to persevere, to keep my cool, to laugh about how God is showing me in so very many ways, just how impatient I am--and by His grace the means to at least try to develop more patience...or at least to recognize the tests and trials as requiring lots of patience.
Also, the Lord has pointed out to me yet again how I analyze and perceive--and these at times to a fault. I am so very critical; I notice details and that includes in persons and personalities, in their traits--as well as mine. And I also continue to try to reach back into such as a Catholic parish, only to have negative experience even if but with one lone Catholic electrician. Whereas in general, when I just go with the flow of such as spontaneity of someone saying they know a piekleball player who does handyman work--and that guy comes buy, and he's not resistant although he thinks things through, of course. Sometimes even for can-do people, we learn that something cannot be done. And that is wonderful, too! A possibility thinker is not bothered when a plan has to be re-routed; but the point is to try, to explore, to have the vision and then go from Plan A to Plan B and so forth.
Resistors suffocate and negate before investigating the possibilties. And it is a mindset that somehow becomes developed, likely at an early age, and it does seem that some groups in society tend to either perpetuate that or establish that mindset, or make it feel comfortable. Believe it or not, many elementary school teachers have that more external locus of control mindset. It is more prone to structure and rote thinking.
I've become quite the slacker, an impatient one, a critical one, and yet a foolish one to keep thinking or wondering or trying to do a parish re-set of sorts. I even sent an email to the parish secretary wondering if a re-set try for me would be possible. She does not respond nor has for a few months of my checking in every now and then with an email. Of course, I had noticed a very secular book yet again chosen for the parish "Catholic" Book Club, and I mentioned this, that the reviews show it to be rather banal in its writing and contains non-Christian embraces that are yet quite popular in a trendy, secular sense of the new order of morality. Why do I notice these things--and more so, why do I question or mention them?
I had added in my email that it is such as even the books selected for the parish book club, that makes me wonder if I'd fit in with that, for although very popular to the secular world despite it's not being well-written, I'd never buy nor read such a book--not when there are so many marvelous biographies of saints or even the more Catholic-lite books written. At least they'd bring some spiritual truth and Catholic teaching to the discussion. So I realized I'm probably not a candidate for a parish re-set. I really should stop reaching in.
In fact, I've spent much time writing my thoughts and also of more spiritual pith--to the nonagenarian and the woman who sends the daily, quite succinct, saint selections. And they really are not interested in the thoughts, analyses, questions, wonderments, or mystical or spiritual connections that flow through and around this trying-to-be-joyful Catholic and more so, Christian and hermit's nights and days.
One positive effort I've been putting forth is that I'm doing Penance Payments to those who have put up with my sufferings and trials and misfitting and all the strife that goes along with such a person. A few have born my flaws and difficulties with grace and love, and they deserve positive reinforcement. The penance aspect might be helpful to my soul, as well; I leave that and really all else to God. The payments are not always monetary, but in many cases money is what people want or in less cases, need.
I even did a reward prize to a cabinet employee who'd made a tremendous error in the entire order, from either not listening to something I was saying--perhaps tuning it out?--or from being under stress from overwork or something other. The entire order had to be re-ordered anew, this time with plywood box instruction as I had specifically said I did not want particle board, for any moisture or leaks which kitchens, baths, and laundry rooms can easily have, will turn particle board cabinets to swollen messes or downright mush, and then mold sets into the drywall and floor underneath.
Yes, I made a home made prize card with a note expressing how it is easy to get little store badges for having done a good job that a customer notices and tells the manager, but to make a huge and costly error and handling it with grace and courage, and re-ordering, making it right, takes a real hero, and thus I was rewarding him for accepting the error and correcting it. Inside was a crisp bill of which, of course I'd ruminated if I could get by with a lesser denomination. In the end, I let the banker decide as I asked which of the bills would he have that are crisp and new? It was the larger amount! And indeed, that larger amount made an impact, for how many employees get a prize for goofing up?
That penance payment (while the employee laughs a lot at things I say, he also has had to do extra work in answering questions over details of the types of possibiities and creative ideas someone like me comes up with) is for his having born me well, and also for having not debated long with me over his having ordered particle board and not the plywood box construction cabinets. I have had situation in previous location of the store putting me through 2 1/2 years of battle when they erred. Praise God this employee is honorable!
Origen (c.185-253) has written that "Mortal life is full of obstacles to stumble over, covered with the snares of deception." Origen goes on to explain, of course, that because the enemy, the devil, places snares everywhere and has catches practically everyone in them, it was necessary for God to have someone stronger come to break the snares and destroy the path of those trying to follow the enemy. That is why before saving us and bring us the Church as His bride, Jesus was also tempted by the devil. It was in this way that Jesus taught the Church that it is not through luxuriousness and pleasure but through trials that we must come to Christ.
Origen, also, points out that Jesus walked through the trials and snares but was not Himself entangled in them. And when Jesus broke and destroyed the snares, that of sin, He encouraged us of His Church to from now on, "crush obstacles underfoot, climb over the snares and say, in all happiness: Our soul like a bird has escaped from the fowler. The snare has been broken and we have been saved" [Psalm 124:7]
And so forth, Origen reminds that while Jesus underwent death, He did so voluntarily--but that we do not die voluntarily for we are bound by sin. Because Jesus is free among the dead, He conquered death; and He thus was and is able to free all of us captives and bring us to Him in the freedom on high with Him, bringing us to life in Him, which to me certainly seems as heaven. And it also seems to me that to have the snare broken includes that snare of a resistant spirit, a mind that thinks not in possibilities and the "joyous perhaps," but rather in that of nay-saying and doubtful negativity.
I suppose a joyful hermit to most people, would seem to be a contradiction, or each and both oddities of terms in themselves. As I myself do not often consider myself in term identifying as a hermit, nor even as a "Catholic" in the sense of parish type or temporal Catholic, I'd rather focus now on being that soul-bird freed from the fowler, and to painfully as stuck in this body for time-being--to at least try to joyfully wing my way with and in Jesus as a freed former captive, no longer around the resistors but with Christ Who Is Love and Truth and the Assurance of Salvation.
Jesus was and IS a Possibility Savior. He quietly let the resistors walk away, sad. It is easier for me to grasp that those who are resistors are simply those who are not ready to at least try to fly free, or who not yet realize there is the possibility of being a soul like a bird, and escape the fowler because Jesus broke the snare! We have been saved!
I feel and think that I should return to writing the thoughts and feelings, even of my real self of sin and flaws, rather than to bore the couple of Catholic friends to whom I have written emails which, of course, they can easily delete. In this venue, people can even more easily pass by, click off, not return. Yet in the meantime I have expressed what I set out to do, and that is to chronicle my journey, my personal, spiritual journey, through its twist and turns, hills and vales of life--and yes, a life of a lot of pain. All is filtered through a gluey, globbed and hardened mess of pain that I must continue trying to chip through and sand down as it can deter in ways that are such a burden to others, for one thing, even if it likely is a grace to me in the long run....
God bless His Real Presence in us! Love God above all things and love one another--which means I must also love the resistors yet am not ensnared nor need to be, by resistance. Jesus has freed us all from that!
Origen (c.185-253)
priest and theologian