Today tried pushing myself a bit more, seeing if can cope with this higher level pain. Did well until later morning after spine x-rays, when I picked up a few ingredients from the grocery not far from my hermitage, Solus Deus. Still, I kept going, thanks be to God! Have suffered a lot of nausea all day, but only tonight did I take muscle relaxant and anti-nausea med, as pain builds up over time.
Rested, then made a soup that is more involved--but for normal folks, actually quite simple. It is just the added standing more in one place, that is the problem for me. So I went up and down the stairs a few times, to try to break up the standing. Whatever, the soup is marvelous and will have it for probably three or four days, for a meal each day. Roasted Cauliflower and Chickpea soup, it is!
Tomorrow is the big trek to the surgeon for the after-four-month surgery check. I have some questions ready to ask, including some involving the adhesive arachnoiditis, plus if I may return to taking the anti-inflammatory medications and supplements, plus if he thinks I might be able to try painting a wall or two, or three or four, as in paint a room. I doubt I'm actually ready for such a task all at once, but I suppose I could try a wall a day for four days.... At least I'm recognizing the good of thinking of a project, of which making the soup was quite the effort given my pain situation, yet.
I also researched more on Adhesive Arachnoiditis; specifically I've tried to find any indication that hypnotherapy is actually effective with this particular, rare malady. I had asked Dr. H. to look up AA so he might be more aware of what it is and the symptoms, and the progressive nature over time. But I've not found anything pertinent to hypnotherapy having effect on arachnoiditis, other than in general to help relax a person, to try to help alter perception of pain.
I know Dr. H. mentioned trying to access the deep healing areas in the brain; my concern is becoming aware by going inward, into the body, as the pain is too much for me to bear by going inward to concentrate. Insurance would pay, but I've not had any conclusive sense from God of Whom I've asked if this would be helpful or not. In the research, and not a great deal of it out there, I did read again that spinal injections and surgery in the spine (especially repeat surgeries) tend to aggravate and increase the symptoms; I consider that my increased symptoms could likely be result of the surgery, even if the surgery was necessary to correct the extreme stenosis and fuse upward some levels of the spine, including donor bone where had been disintegrated vertebra.
The sense I get most, is to sludge through this phase with trying being up more even if pain increases, and see if my previous, go-to method of pain distraction by whatever type projects, will help, as well as, of course and always, keep to the spiritual reading, Scriptures, the inner conversations with God, and praying for others. And, in reading a marvelous commentary, written by St. Anthony of the Desert (3rd c., and considered the Father of Monasticism), the blessing and wisdom of praising God washes through and inspires me once more.
I appreciate a point Anthony the Great makes regarding God's providence in all matters, including what to us seems "harsh." I am reminded that God's view and purpose in suffering is quite different than ours. Thus, perhaps this is an answer of sorts, to trying hypnotherapy again; Dr. H. and I worked on that aspect over three decades ago, when I was fresh out of the 1987 back-to-back spine surgeries, when we had no clue a cut in the spinal sheathing had occurred, thus the life-sentence of Adhesive Arachnoiditis.
Thus, we explored hypnotherapy of which he is adept, and I even took coursework to become certified, myself, in clinical hypnotherapy. There were no major results other than the Lord was reaching in, at that time, with amazing mystical experiences, visions, locutions, and other unusual events. But of pain, the Lord in one such locution which Dr. H. tape recorded, among others, the Lord denied me healing, removal of pain. Rather, He stated emphatically that while on earth, I shall know earthly pain, and that it is through suffering that I will be kept from being called back out into the world. This is how I would serve the Lord, remain close to Him--through suffering.
Now for the selection by Anthony of the Desert.
"The truly intelligent person pursues one solid objective: to obey and conform to the God of all. With this single aim in view he disciplines his soul, and whatever he may encounter in the course of life, he gives thanks to God for the compass and depth of providential ordering of all things. For it is absurd to be grateful to doctors who give us bitter and unpleasant medicines to cure our bodies, and yet to be ungrateful to God for what appears to be harsh, not grasping that all we encounter is for our benefit in accordance with His providence. For knowledge of God and faith in Him is the salvation and perfection of the soul....
"The unintelligent do not take this into account; they do not understand that things happen for our benefit, rightly and as they should, so that virtues may shine and we ourselves be crowned by God.... Only to ourselves does God listen. Only to us does God manifest Himself. God loves us and, wherever we may be, God is there too. Humans alone are counted worthy to worship God. For their sake God transforms Himself. For their sake God has created everything: earth and heaven and the beauty of the stars. They cultivate the earth for themselves; but if they fail to recognize how great is God's providence, their souls lack all spiritual understanding....
"On earth God has established birth and death; and in heaven, providence and necessity. All things were made for our sakes and for our salvation. Since God is not, himself, in need of any good thing, it was for us he created heaven, earth, and the four elements, freely granting us the enjoyment of every blessing.... Thanksgiving of itself is more pleasing to God than any lavish sacrifice. To Him be glory through all the ages. Amen."
God bless His Real Presence in us! Jesus, I trust in You! Here I am, Lord, I have come to do Thy will--and suffering is very much a part of what You have provided all I encounter for my benefit and Your providence, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Thank you, Lord. And thank You for the grace that I will increasingly love to suffer this suffering, and to suffer this suffering in order to all the more love--love You, God, and love others as You love us.
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