A spiritual friend had texted this morning, remembering it was the surgeon four-month follow up appointment today. I know the friend would pray; and I know the person knows I am praying for a grandson, a month old now, born with cleft palate and but one kidney--and that not functioning properly. Then a family member called to hear how the appointment transpired. Am grateful for thoughtful inquiries.
In evening received a text from the neighbor who picked up items from the warehouse store. Wanted to know what could be done, such as a physical trainer, to get me built up and healed--wanted to know what people in the neighborhood could do to help me with any needs. How very thoughtful!
I texted an online site in which the person could read about Adhesive Arachnoiditis, as it is best for people to see it in print that this is not going to be healed. I explained that physical therapy actually is not advised due to the potential for exacerbating the arachnoiditis symptoms; walking is about the best, plus doing some gentle stretching--and even walking will cause the AA to flare.
As for many neighbors knowing about my situation, I mentioned given my physical vulnerability especially when I have pain sieges, or such as the vertigo, best to have just a few know, ones who won't mind my calling upon them if I need some assistance. I now pray that I worded the message in a way that will not seem ungrateful, yet I did not want to specify also the medication consideration; I had a medication theft situation several years ago. In our current climate pain caution is necessary.
I will message in return when it is daylight, making sure the neighbor person knows how grateful I am that they are willing to be a contact couple for me. I definitely have learned to not mention my hermit vocation by means of explaining why I am used to or am living in more solitude than most others. I have learned it is best to not stir thought-associations or notions of what can come to mind regarding the word "hermit" or even to some, what "Catholic" can bring forth by word association.
I know that the Lord is letting me know He is providing for me--lovely, kind people in the vicinity who have compassion and realize, such as this neighbor, is beginning to relate and factor the reality of the situation--albeit thinking in terms that most would--of healing, of improving more than what likely will be the reality in physical terms. I, myself, am grappling with the reality of how limited I am compared to even a couple months prior to surgery.
The surgeon agrees that the increased pain and various symptoms indicate the Adhesive Arachnoiditis likely is worse. I could honestly say that the lumbar area, while still painful in a post-surgical way, feels stabilized and solid, and I can tell I'm improved from post-surgery in that type of aspect--incision, motion, not needing the brace on as much other than when standing to make the soup the other day, or when engaged in tasks requiring lifting or such as the Lyft car ride today.
But it is likely the surgery (and the pain doctor's early July steroid injection into the spinal column) exacerbated the Arachnoiditis, for those symptoms include now numbness in the legs, off and on, and the spinal stenosis aspect of surgery is quite successful, so the spinal cord and peripheral nerves are no longer being pinched. Thanks be to God, once again, for having the AA diagnosis and finding a couple or so reliable research sites and abstracts. All the various symptoms are easily explained!
But it is rather a discouraging prognosis, and one in which I simply must trust in God fully. The surgeon agreed that there is really no way of knowing other than the instrumentation and bone in the surgery area are all looking "great." But the increase in other symptoms which are in the AA research, indicates that situation has worsened. At least being able to take anti-inflammatory medication and supplements again, will help somewhat, surely! And I still hope in God for increased stamina over the next 8 months that will complete a year of surgery recovery.
Tonight continues a series of nights in which the pain is keeping me from sleep. This night is the worst thus far, with a spinal headache and nausea that do not want to give in to the medication's ameliorating effects. I'll add on some Excedrin, and otherwise continue prayers for people, for all our souls, for God's will in our lives.
I'm accepting the seeming dropping by the wayside of a couple other friends of the past. While we had not kept in touch frequently, their lives have moved on in ways positive, I'm sure; and mine is as I've written already, as if in a cusp, or facing a portal of which I ask the Lord's help in the timing and the presence to pass through. This is a portal which I sense enters into deeper spiritual life in Christ, greater love of God and others but in a less temporal, less tangible way of love.
And I still deal with my wrong doings, my imprudence, my lack of filtering and of expressing myself in ways that trigger and/or offend others. I'm giving over to the Lord to choose for me, those who can forgive and accept my apologies or also to be able to understand and live with the reality of my imperfections and idiosyncrasies. I also must allow those who cannot forgive me or not able to accept my imperfection--to accept their moving on in their lives and for me to let go with gratitude and inner peace.
I'm not fully at the inner peace part of those who need to drop off and move on in their lives; I still feel bad for my offenses even in a couple cases in which I truly do not know what it is or was, or even if something I had done--of which I tend to think surely was my flaws or wrong-doings. Just seems would be due to something on my part; it is best to give others the benefit of the doubt.
But in a couple other situations, of course I know my fault and have been forgiven by God even if not by the persons, or if also by the persons, I do not know if that is the case, but on my part I must accept and live God's forgiveness. That is not always so easy--to have that kind of faith that God's forgiveness is full and instantaneous--our souls washed white as snow when we have repented and asked God to forgive us.
I'm certain of God's allowance of all these matters, however. Even though I make mistakes and missteps, God knows my heart and knows my level of suffering, and knows the fragility of what I can handle in accord with my great love and concern for others, along with a sensitivity in awareness of nuances and situations.
"A strong city have we;
He sets up walls and ramparts to protect us" (Isaiah 26:1).
The pain in my body complicates matters of sensitivity and concern; my threshold of tolerance is not as temperate as would be virtuous. However, I consider that in a couple or so circumstances, it is more virtuous, it seems, to have the honest thoughts and feelings exposed even if gauchely so, and causing hurt which of course I regret, resulting in severance.
All in all, though, I have this deep, inner sense that the Lord is leading also guiding, and is allowing by His providence and will, the curtailing or trimming back or cutting off, temporarily or in this potential end-run or phase. He is bringing forward such as a few neighbors for brief interactions.
I am grasping in these types of contacts, more as how the hermits St. Seraphim the Seraph, St. Godric of Finchale,and St. Charbel Maklouf viewed and firmly held to letting go of various persons, and that they accepted God's also limiting of others in contacts and relationships.
"It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man" (Ps. 118:8)
For me, it is as the Lord is choosing for me. (I certainly am aware to not trust in myself.) While I can continue to fully take responsibility for my flawed aspects and sins, others, also, have option to have forgiven or been willing to go forward despite my doings. In all of the shiftings of relationships, the timing coincides amazingly, providentially, with the increase of pain and further unknowing of whatever limitations and sufferings.
I am reminded of God's directing our lives as lived in our vocations--be it lay persons in single or married vocations, or those of us in the various forms of consecrated life of the Church, or those in holy orders. Especially in the hermit vocation, the formation and living out, day by day, our eremitic lives are individually chosen and unfold uniquely by God, our ultimate, Divine Superior.
Well, the spinal headache is not subsiding, so I will need to take more Super Excedrin and add on a half of muscle relaxant. I had hoped in God that I'd not have an aftermath from the drive to and from surgeon nor from the short walk. (But this does not mean that I will give up trying to develop stamina physically and otherwise.) God has chosen and allows this increased, painful aftermath instead of what I wanted.
It is as simple as that.
"I will give thanks to You, for You have answered me
and have been my Savior" (Ps. 118:21).
And I know in love and faith, with increasing trust that God is always providing and willing what is best for my soul. His will be done, and I am realizing how blessed to learn to praise Him for choosing always what is best for us--for our souls, specifically and especially.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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