I read this Gospel the other day, of Jesus Christ according to St. John 15:18-20a, and since. Of course it seems deeply meant for my soul. Yes, I know it is meant for everyone. But Jesus is speaking to me and desiring me to remember it beyond my mind and heart. Remember the Word He speaks to me in my soul.
"Jesus said to [me]: '...If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you. Remember the word I spoke to you....'"
This is the reminder that I do not "belong" to that world--and He has for many years tried to get me to not only understand but also to accept. That world is needful, good, His creation; it just is not where God wants me to linger. It is not the out of the world where He wants me to be in order to fulfill His purpose, the mission He's given me from the beginning.
Years of preparation and progression, years of delights and trials have passed. For years God has been patient with me and still would be--if the pruning and now this major pruning as if truncating my body to nearly a stump, were not sufficient. There might be yet more pruning, though. Who knows but God?
I am going to try very hard now, as I've made another acceptance--what I call a "full acceptance." Made it at the counter on brief time up for cup of coffee this morning. But who knows, truly, but God if my acceptance is actually "full". I've made full acceptances before, and asking God to use me as He wills.
I feel sick unto death. In other words, the pain is so sickening and now am so depleted with this major crucifixion of the major transition, that I would like to die in order to be in union with God forever. Sometimes the pain in the feet and the sensations, or then the heart pain, has me concerned that what is within will become external.
Tell myself not to be concerned; it won't matter whatever happens, not really. I'm in transition and perhaps already transited. Likely so, this. Who could really know but God?
What I do know is that I do not mean nor intend to rile others, but I fear perhaps I have in writing even what it was that I needed to absorb that has helped me let go of that world and opened and understanding the why, now, of the need for being taken out of that world and transitioning to what is next, that I can grasp in the intellect and understanding but no further. Again, only God knows fully what it is when chosen out of that world.
I've written emails today to those I must not pester. Writing continues to be what helps me get the mind out of pain. However, a thought as come to try not to write, at least not emails. I am writing to those who are not going through this major transition, at least not at this time. They have their own transitions, and my prayer is that of transitions leading to union with God in the very real and conscious sense of the mystical reality of Divine union with and in God the Father, through the Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit.
For this is what the Trinity desires of us. For this we were created in the ultimate, eternal, mystical sense.
I'm trying, also, to not be concerned that this level of pain not continue, for being in bed most of the time for days on end, or then getting up and doing a couple or three hours of manual labor and then being down in bed for several days more--the practicality of such an existence is not going to be viable if it continues for a long time.
I'm listening to more lectures--not writing notes, not concerned if I do not remember details or even if the bodily pain or otherwise intrudes on the listening and the remembering on surface. I trust in the Holy Spirit that it has come into the inner sense through the outer senses, and there is good the Lord has for me in such as now, some review of the prayer that is the mystics' contemplation of, with, God.
The writing must slow and be less until the time is otherwise, through the transition phase and when and if God has something for what is next. In the meantime, if I write such as now, these bits and pieces, it is partly due to flight from bodily pain at a sickening level, plus such as the Word of Jesus, shared above from John 15.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
No comments:
Post a Comment