Catholic Hermit: Why Accept Pain?

One of the final words the new spiritual father, the hermit-priest, said to me as we parted Monday afternoon after meeting and discussing, and praying for God to bless the encounter and whatever next, were to "come to a peace" or something close to that.  Was of seeking and encountering peace, and I found this so of the Holy Spirit, for peace is the very gift of the Holy Spirit and the bequeathing of Christ that so often I myself recognized is wanting, especially when the suffering becomes quite rough.

I did hear back in a text from Dr. H. last night, following my most lengthy texts written to him regarding the proposal to form our own group based upon the book The Power of Eight, and to try the formulaic procedure (what to me seems gimmicky in certain ways, and "new age," for those who are opposed to Christianity in their lives and personal relationship, faith in Christ Jesus).  Dr. H. said he was working 12-hour days so could not read all I wrote, but hoped to on the weekend and to be in touch via phone then.

I texted back to not bother to read all I wrote, but that I knew for me, was not my path--not a power of  eight group, nor power of seven, nor even of two--but that I know all my thoughts and texting, my research on the author and her writings and experiments, was good for me as the Lord needs me to more fully accept the power of pain, and to trust what I've been shown and told over the years mystically and spiritually, and in circumstances.  Also, that I must stop complaining of my pain.  

But that, yes, we can touch base on the weekend.  Perhaps on the phone I can try to explain once more, why it is that I know the Lord is not choosing for me a great release from physical pain, and why I've come to learn that pain is not the enemy; suffering is not the enemy.  Of course, we want for ourselves and others less suffering and all goodness of the temporal world; on this day of praying for the protection and legal rights of humans in the womb and those elderly at risk of euthanasia, we want a relief of suffering and pain, of murder of innocents.

Whether we pray or we focus "intent" for the good of mankind and of souls, there is a good in people banding together in goodness and concern for one another.  But when we read in Scripture the words of Jesus, saying "Where two are three are gathered,"  Jesus very much includes "gathered in My Name," and in other wording, "in the Name of the Father" or "calling upon the Holy Spirit" regarding prayers of the faithful, of us human souls who know Jesus Christ personally, who have faith in God, who experience the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

But all my lengthy text messages, delving deeply into various facets of this situation that arose--ironically in juxtaposition of a most unexpected and spiritually rich encounter with my new spiritual director, the hermit-priest--came this proposal that is more for people who have no faith in Christ, or if they do, may not trust the power of a single prayer, or even have come to accept suffering if it be God's will, or in all of life, to desire only God's will, to be in the Divine Will, and to have surrendered ourselves fully to Divine Providence.

This situation regarding the Power of Eight experiments seems now more something the Lord wanted me to dissect, to consider, to write out from my inner mind and heart, to try yet again to explain to the kindly and caring Dr. H., but more so for myself, why it is that when offered an experiment of this type, I balk; and instead I choose to accept the pain of over 35 years.  

Yet, also, why do I accept the pain medication which tones down the pain somewhat--not much but enough to help my body temporally cope--or that I am fine with the pain doctor beginning the process of an intrathecal pain pump which will require some suffering of its own in a 3-4 hour surgery, even if my body responds well to an external trial, and the reality of needing a replacement in 5-7 years should I yet be alive?

Why, years ago did I offer myself and all my sufferings to God to use as He wills?  Why was my mind and heart and soul inflamed and inspired to write out a vow of consecration of suffering 20 years ago this February 13, of which various priests have witnessed in my verbal renewal of this vow, over the years?

Why is it that even though Dr. H. witnessed and also asked questions regarding my suffering and pain, of God Himself in a rare and unusual mystical occurrence in June, 1988, and received answers from God and other holy ones on the other side, from heaven, which Dr. H. tape recorded and suggested I transcribe, which I did--that Dr. H. was not affected by those answers, and doesn't even remember specifics?  Why does it seem my added mystical experiences, the locutions and events of which I've shared with him over the phone, seem not to have impact in him, so that he continues to think in terms of finding some method or technique that would cause the pain my body suffers, to go away or be alleviated?

Why is it that we humans are looking for what we think is new, or a formulaic experiment or process that will bring about results from the use of our focused minds, or scientific hypotheses and modalities, despite supernal and mystical encounters with God and His saints, angels, and our own loved ones on the other side, in heaven or in progression toward heaven?

Why are so many people opposed to the word "prayer" or to Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit, or anything to do with what they call "organized religion"?  

Again, why would I accept pain over trying a seemingly simple, formulaic experiment of 8 people focusing their minds in loving intent for my pain to go away while looking at a photo or image of myself, for ten minutes at the same time each day, for fourteen days--that a writer has devised and tried out in experiments regardless their adherence to strict norms of research but with some varied yet some positive results, and called The Power of Eight?

The Lord has helped me sort through the thoughts and questions.  For one thing, I have deep faith and believe in Jesus Christ, and over the years I have come to trust in God's will regardless what I or others may think would have been a much more productive life, what would have been better at least on the external aspects for my now-adult children, and as some have said over the years--thinking of what all I could have done had I not been disabled by pain.

I also recognize yet again, that I can write of and verbally share with others the locutions, visions, mystical encounters, ecstasies during Mass, and various encounters with God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, angels and saints, holy souls passed on, and my death experience--but repeatedly and over 35 years and even before then, it is as if the persons reading or listening may seem as if understanding and taking it in, they really cannot absorb or fathom, nor even remember.  

This reality helps me understand why so many people do not read the Scriptures with the same absorption or faith, or do not participate in Mass with grasping and experiencing the supernatural realities of the living God, Christ, and Holy Spirit.  It is why so many Catholics and others in the various Christian denominations and worship groupings, do not have a real and internalized relationship with the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary.

It is as it is.  But for those of us who have been touched deeply, who have been born mystics or who in life have experienced even one numinous, mystical event that alters our way of perceiving the temporal and the spiritual worlds, or for those with the gift of faith and to the degree of even blind faith in God, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit--we grasp, we fathom, we have capacity to understand some and even more that God may reveal to us.  We pray with increasing love of God in Himself and God's love for others as well as ourselves.  

We can read the lives of the Christian mystics and the words and experiences and teachings of prophets, saints, of Jesus Christ, Son of God, and of the Holy Spirit, the Third Person of the Trinity--and we have no difficulty trusting and understanding that of course, this is truth.  We don't need to have science prove an existence of Noah's ark, or have metaphysical or mythological thinkers come up with alternative explanations of Jonah three days in the belly of a large fish or whale, or that Job not a real, historical person.

Yet, we are not bothered if such explanations and discussions are posited.  Our inner sight, our inner grasp, our inner understanding and acceptance does not require logical explanations or proofs.  We have been touched by not only the finger of God, but by the Living Word, the numinous of the Holy Spirit, the reality of Jesus Christ, Son of God and the God-Man.  The virgin birth by the power of the Holy Spirit, the reason for Jesus' life among us, the sacrificial death on the cross for reparation of our sins and for the salvation of all mankind, the resurrection and ascension of Christ, the conversion of St. Paul, the visions and locutions of St. John on the island of Patmos, written in what now is the Book of Revelation--and so much more, reaching back into the Old Testament--does not phase us nor need scholarly proofs or debate.

The reality of the real presence of Christ's Body and Blood in the Eucharist, transformed from bread and wine in the Consecration of the Mass, the supernatural reality of the Mass itself, from beginning to end, of the Living Word of God proclaimed, of all the sacraments present and inherent in the Mass, the sending forth of our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls out into the world to witness to the power and love of God--all these realities need no shrouding of terms and words to be more palatable or believable to those who have not yet been touched spiritually, or who have not that blind faith of many who may live their entire lives without a numinous, mystical experience.

Essentially, to simplify, for these and lesser reasons, I can accept pain in this life.  At this time in my later years, perhaps my last decade, I do not have a burning desire to participate in prayer intention focusing which is not called prayer, or has certain set rubrics in order to "work".  I am more interested in conversions and deeper conversions, of being in the Divine Will, of seeking and participating in Divine Union, of awaiting the consummation of my mystical marriage with Christ--the glorious wedding and reception having mystically but oh-so-real, occurred one night in September, 2012.

I may attempt, if Dr. H. calls this weekend, to yet again explain the reality not only supernaturally but as it reaches into the temporal, of the years of mystical experiences, and why it is that somehow, I go more with them than I do with temporal attempts to remove pain that over time I have come to understand as having merit and of being productive, of being reparative, and of even as a title could be called The Power of Pain.  (This title, written in this blog, constitutes a trademarked name!  Ha ha! But it qualifies the four words as a temporal groundwork of trademark--oh, my.  As if God cares of the banality of that, and as if people would desire a book of that title!)

A marvel, it is, that somehow I was inspired within to include in my vow of consecration of suffering (equally not a best-seller of idea or written vow that people would clamor to repeat to God for themselves), that if I have options presented to me, I would choose the path of greater suffering.  Well, choosing to accept pain over participating in a power of eight group experiment, and to choose a surgically installed pain pump which will be another physical ordeal, does seem to be choosing a path of greater suffering.  

And I don't even know from whence or why that offering came to me to be included in various other aspects of a vow of suffering--or why even a vow of consecration to suffer at all?  Yet, I recall the intensity within, and the praying over it for quite awhile, and the discerning of the offering with my late spiritual father, who lived over 99 years and was a priest going on  73 years of that long life.

So be it.  I accept this pain and the various other forms of pain and suffering of which humans experience in this temporal life.  I accept them on behalf of Christ and His Church, and I offer them to Christ and His Church, for all the reasons and purposes temporal and spiritual which are written out in probably ad nauseam detail.  It's all from my mind, heart, and soul, even if my body, thoughts, and emotions yet struggle with suffering, sometimes a lot, and complain--in this temporal life God has given me for however more earth time He wills.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[An angel of God did tell me in an early morning approaching while I yet slept, reminding me of how hurtful it could be that I used the author's name and seemingly was rather harsh regarding the quasi-research and experimentation, the claims made, the developing of and marketing for monetary gain of what the writer calls the power of eight.  So I did remove the name, and I hope in God that I did emphasize the good of what the person intends, the genuine zeal and passion of the person.  But of course, my path is the narrow path, and is of Christ, prayer, praise of God, and love of God in Himself and love of all souls as God loves each of us.  I reminded myself that I do love the writer whom I do not personally know, but that my path is not of that other.]

Catholic Hermit: Large but Needful Decision/Choice

As the temporal/spiritual interplay so often works within and without our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls in the temporal and spiritual realms of our daily lives--just after yesterday's spiritually transcendent meeting and discussion with the hermit priest who is my new spiritual father, I received a phone call from Dr. H. who had a fascinating proposal from some reading he'd been doing and a writer he'd either heard speak and spoken with or somehow met otherwise.

As if most often the case when the temporal and spiritual "juxtapose", of sorts, I had a sense of ennui, or here-we-go-again in my innate reaction, despite my being interested in what he had to share regarding the book he is reading and the excitement he has for yet another plan to get my pain reduced or eliminated through a type of experiment he proposes.

My mind had been so far from such temporal matters of my physical pain, given the supernal effect of the time, sharing, guidance, and prayer--the sheer joy of the hermit-priest and my inner knowing that my late, dearest spiritual da had arranged this help for me.  (And the hermit priest also motioned to his left, not in any odd way but genuinely, naturally, that my spiritual da was right there, blessing us and blessing the progression unfolding.  Kindred spirits....  There is no faking of holy, emanating, spiritual joy.)


As I listened to what Dr. H. shared, his excitement was contagious to a certain degree, but even in that, my mind and heart were sensing that this was quite the unexpected turn from the spiritual to very much temporal/psychological; Dr. H's sincere and loving quest has been steadfast for a long time, to find a means to remove or lessen my physical pain.  In fact, I was recalling today how years ago, following the 1987 back-to-back spine surgeries and resultant, permanently disabling pain, Dr. H. so selflessly attempted in an inducted, clinical hypno-therapeutic state, to draw out of me the temporal pain, and to take it upon himself.

I will never forget that "experiment."  He had to abandon the process rather abruptly as my body was showing signs of agony and stress; and as for what was going on within me, of which I would be the only one on earth who could describe it--it felt as if my very soul was being excruciatingly, ripped raw from my body, particularly in the chest area of heart but also from my brain area of mind.  Horrific ordeal, it was, for me!  I think disappointing for him; he is incredible in charity.

But on the phone late yesterday afternoon, I tried to kindly tell Dr. H. that in so many ways over the years, the Lord had told me that I am going to have this pain, and I may have reminded him that pain is not the "enemy".  However, it is also true that I had shared with him that the pain doctor was still considering a pain pump, and how advantageous to those such as myself, a pain pump actually uses 1/300th of the pain medication as oral meds.  Plus, the liquid pump medication goes directly to the spinal column from pump through tube--surgery by a neurosurgeon--and thus medication by-passes the digestive tract of which may be a motility problem come home to roost for me in past ten weeks or more.

So Dr. H. had this other proposal, as he's been reading a book (and said he's spoken with the writer).  He was enthused, and as mentioned above, while caught off-guard, his enthusiasm contagious.  The book he's reading is called The Power of Eight.  He shared about the thousands of persons the writer had involved in various online experiments--research--beginning with focused "intent" on photos online of two plants side by side, the participants focusing on these plants with loving intent, for ten minutes at a certain time of day, and for a certain amount of days.

Eventually the "research" became more of focused "intent" on humans who had various problems they wanted solved or improved, including serious health issues.  And, after many such "studies", which he said included university researchers, the writer realized that somehow the time spent focusing intent could be reduced to the 10 minute time frame, and that somehow the participants could be reduced to eight--thus the title of the book, The Power of Eight.  

After hearing a bit more, I said, "Well, this is simply people praying.  Nothing new in that, but is very good, of course."  But he explained the writer (he said not a scientist herself but calls herself an [investigative] journalist), does not want to use the word "prayer" because it limits the universality of the scope of this "research" and the amazing results she is getting.

Dr. H.'s caring proposal was that we should get together eight people willing to take ten minutes a day for two weeks, to at the same time no matter the time zone, would focus their minds on my being freed from pain.  He said McTaggert has the person who the others are with love and focus, "intending" for, be visibly seen if not there in person, such as a photo that the eight "intenders" could look at while they are using their minds to focus the decided upon intent.  

Perhaps at this point in conversation, I mentioned that God had let me know for years that in this life I would have this pain....  I also mentioned that what I really want, is not removal of pain but more for union with God and that I fulfill my purpose for which God has me here.  To that, Dr. H. said we could do that later, but to start with, then even having people focus on in the designated same 10 minute time frame daily for two weeks, that my pain level drop from 8, 9, or 10, down to a 5 on the typical pain scale used now for patients and doctors to describe level of pain patient is experiencing.

About this time I was aware of the shift from my elated spiritual meeting and unexpected delight of the new director, the hermit priest, and now this proposition of a temporal experiment, albeit using the power of mind focus (and loving "intending") to bring about lessening of my physical pain.  

I thus pointed out to Dr. H. that people have prayed for me for years for this, but he said not eight people at the same time every day for a certain number of days, focusing on the same thing.   I asked why not for seven minutes--why not seven people for seven minutes?  I pointed out that seven is the number of perfection, after all.  It is a powerful number if we want to view numbers as such, for perfection of 7 has for many centuries been considered the highest spiritual number, and then 9 and also then 3, as well as in Old Testament, 5 for the Pentateuch, and so forth.  

He was not sure why the power of the number eight, but felt we should do it as the writer had purportedly done the vast studies and research, with phenomenal results.  So again, is there a way I could have a photo such as online, for the eight persons to look at while they focused the intent for lessening or removal of my physical pain?  Well, I mentioned a way that could be arranged; and of course, we could set a time in the evening when people would from wherever not have work or dinner going on, or if children, they'd be in bed so that there would be 10 minutes of focus time for the eight participants.

But I also, then, pointed out that it really does not need to be other than one person praying or "intending," and that it really did not need to be everyone at the same time.  It could be two, for example, for Scripture says where two or three are gathered....  And, God could do whatever He wills when He wills, if He wills--that there are miraculous healings from people simply praying, but that also there are those who are not healed.  

(I do recognize that if the author has all this research and hundreds of thousands of participants in the various online studies, and these phenomenal results, that at least it was getting people to "intend" for some desire and good purpose, so they were praying in essence, even if they did not want to call it that.)

But again, I said there really is "no formula, no set formula."  I had been told that in a dream vision by St. Catherine of Siena, and I know I had shared that with Dr. H. on the phone last fall when he was eager to have me hear Randall's story and consider doing as Randall had done--focus on his breathing for hours on end, of which Randall then had a miraculous ability to transcend all physical pain, return to work, tend nearly 200 animals on his ten acres, and help others, live an active life with wife and two children.

I also have explained my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, as a Christian mystic, as a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and of my own desire for union with God and to fulfill the purpose part of the reason why years ago, in my death experience, God sent me back into my body on the gurney in recovery room--and then back in for another 7 hours of surgery to correct the reason for cardiac arrests causing my death.

Well, I went along with the proposal, as partly I figured nothing wrong about doing an experiment, and having one's pain lessened is part of the reason the pain doctor is considering a surgically implanted, intrathecal pump.   Well, better pain control, lessening, less medication needed, and to avoid the intestinal motility issues that arise eventually from oral meds.

But my relative euphoria and bliss from the joy of the hermit-priest, and the amazing discussion and guidance (so unexpected to have such encounter and outcome), was dimmed.  Instead, I decided to consider that perhaps the Lord wanted me to explore and try the proposed experiment based on the writer's research and findings.  I turned to researching the author.

I found her website and many such sites she's developed including videos of her presentations.  It did not take long in listening, that my inner senses were piqued; matters were not stacking up positively in the discernment of spirits.  Even her affect--voice, eyes, set off my "vibes".  The more she spoke, the more she made amazing claims.  Her passion is obvious, her zeal sincere, but something did not "feel" right within me.

I turned to reading reviews of the book, The Power of Eight.  I read comments from readers, of which some commenters wrote valid points of flaws in the studies, particularly ones which involved human subjects, not ones of plants or water molecules.  Having studied statistics and having to learn to detect valid and invalid research in my own studies in doctoral program at USC, I knew the truth of what some of the commenters were pointing out as flaws in some of the studies.

I also noticed that I could find no abstracts of studies online, of which there ought to be at least some for having claims of hundreds of studies, and her mentioning some of the scientists, and of some of the universities.  Yet I noticed her talks online, in part, were done at something called QuantumUniversity.com and others videoed perhaps in her home, available on her website.  I also noted the rather "cheesy" advertisement of her Power of Eight groups, book, and logo--an octagonal chip-like image with an "8" in the center, with bluish dots resembling sparkles, and two hands cupping the octagonal chip, with light emanating from the pair of hands and illumining also the chip which had light and sparkle effect coming out from it.

Then I noticed the advertisements to be part of her Power of Eight "Masterclass" for 2020.  There is  a fee, of course.  In one of her videos, she mentions also how difficult a task for her to have to be the one to "choose" 2-3 participants whose wishes, desires, or as she calls them "intents" or "intentions" will be the ones that  the group of 8 people will focus on, per each of what are probably many groups of 8 for which individuals pay $599 to be participants.

In one of the videos I listened to, I noticed the claims expanding, the zeal increasing, the intents including receiving windfall of money, or some other temporal benefit, tangible, as well as miraculous healings.  The author also began to discuss matters in terms of personal possession:  my groups of 8, my choosing, my masterclass participants, my techniques bringing about miracles, my results, my research.  

Also, she mentioned in her enthusiastic sharing, that the "eight" was from someone who suggested that "power of eight" seemed essentially more catchy and euphonious or such.  (That was actually as I suspected--a marketing aid and what sounded good and not some scientifically or research deduction as to why eight the necessary number.  As to why 10 minutes of focusing, Dr. H. had suggested that it could be that people have trouble intently focusing for longer.  But could it be 5 minutes, or two?)

Then there are the testimonials of persons whose lives have been dramatically altered with their "intents" being fulfilled.  Miracles.  McTaggert said that even if the exact intent was not fulfilled, they at least had other aspects that were improvements in their lives.  Also, she began to delve into justifying her techniques by relating them to the Bible and even used Christian mystics and saints--awkward pronunciation of Teresa of Avila's name; and then claimed that Teresa had actually started "prayer circles" centuries ago.  There was more, but by then I was very turned off by what I was hearing, and then some....

Despite no doubt sincere intentions, the author mentioned that the results were becoming so miraculous and phenomenal, that she no longer needed to have what researchers would call "control groups", and no longer needed to document results with the power of eight groups dealing with human issues, healings, and life-changing events all so positive and amazing.

I dug deeper, finding some critiques of the power of eight claims and studies, but also of various other best-sellers she's written of similar content--which stems from not new age but old age philosophy that Husserl developed as phenomenology and the outflow of intention from intentionality, and the difference between the two.  And, then back to St. Thomas Aquinas, who wrote masterfully and which has stood the test of time, of what is basically that of intentionality informing intention, and of course as we Catholics and others recognize, additional solid theological foundations of thought.

I also found the author was suing someone who had tried to point out the fallacy of her research.  And I was only doing a cursory dig into what I could find--starting out with the "intention" of being reassured, and with the idea that it would not hurt to try to get eight friends to go along with two weeks of ten minutes a day at same time, across the country or even continents, to look at my mugshot and focus intently on the thought of my pain leaving or being reduced.

Then there was another commenter on this particular book, that it seemed "creepy"--and something not right about what the commenter had read, and that it either was of God or not.  But the commenter gave solid doubt as to why such as this was not of God.  Yet, all commenters tried to be kindly, and gave the author benefit of doubt for being sincere and well-intentioned.

I considered the money coming in, and how greed can infiltrate a mind, heart, and soul.  I also considered based upon listening to several videos of the author speaking extemporaneously yet with fervor and goodness of wanting to create more miracles, that it is a heady thing to be deciding who in the groups of eight would have their wishes chosen by her, to be the point of focus by the paying participants.  The power of such determining what we could consider life and death decisions is not even granted to a single medical doctor specialist; even they are required to make such decisions as who gets treated, essentially, and who not, by a team of doctors as well as medical ethicists, and including discussion with the patients and their families.  

But I agree with the author, although she did not term it this way for I can see how all this has had a lot of good aspects for many people--thousands if her claims are accurate--that the power and position and possession of such miraculous results and the major life changes and healings occurring--yes, it is not easy being in God's position.  And one thing is true, that she mentions: the good of 8 people getting together either in person or across the world wide web, is a positive for people to be bonding in this way, of positive "intenting" for some good to happen to someone in specific.  

Her online sites do cite persons healed or receiving unexpected money, or new jobs, or an infants' heart improved (although I noticed not healed and evidently still needing a heart transplant)--and some of these testimonials include the persons saying that the participants in their group of eight will remain life long friends.  The author also begins to mention people experiencing a type of divine union and mystical ecstasy!  Merciful heavens!  For $599, why not pay up and sign up for this chance at "creating miracles"?

Well, I had in a text to Dr. H. as I was listening to the videos and reading comments and reviews of the books by the author, that four people can gather and sit around a card table, and "intent" to raise the table off the floor, or call in spirits of the dead to show a sign by knocking, and the table can levitate a few inches, and odd knock sounds can occur.  While at this point the power of eight groups seem to be for most serious "intenting," already the "intenting" for a windfall of money or whatever other, becomes rather "Vegas" or "lottery" to me.  Granted, some people go through dire times financially, and of course we pray for relief from suffering, help in finances, jobs, health--physical, emotional, and mental.

I realized I could not at all, not even to satisfy the most caring and always thinking of ways to try to help my pain reduce or disappear, Dr. H.'s wanting to develop our own power of 8 group.  (And it is true that the author in a video discusses starting one's own Power of Eight Group. I did not listen to it, was saturated to point of unsettling by what I'd read, watched, and listened to.  Perhaps she explains how to start one's own group, but why do I suspect she will advise better to get her guidance and be one of her online groups?

I texted Dr. H. much--too much, as I tend to do when inner sense piqued--but in a way of that which my bit of research uncovered and why it was unsettling to me.  Whether he reads through what I texted, does not matter.  My decision is obviously that I'm not nibbling or biting on this "intenting".  I realize I could not at all ask my Christian friends or family members to intent on what they've been praying for, for years, and what the loved ones and holy ones with me yet not visible, but right here in Spirit, Holy Spirit, know to pray for me, for their view is far clearer and most in the Light of Christ fully.

And I texted him, reminding him of the healing Mass years ago, of which I shared at least that my heart was transverberated.  Whether or not he understands, but I made it more clear that while I was 25 years ago early on in my physical pain suffering, I had gone to the healing Mass with a bonafied elderly priest from Baltimore, MD, with full intent and desire and faith that God would heal me of physical pain.  

Instead, God wounded, He consecrated my heart.  [God's words to me the next morning when the pain of my enlarged and yet pounding heart from the alteration the night before, remained,]  Yes, I'd had 2-3 hours of less pain and for a bit no pain other than my heart, right after the healing Mass.  I even jumped up and down at home to the delight and hope of a couple of my children.  Yes, we were so hopeful and in faith wanting my pain taken away or lessened.  That was not God's plan or will, though!  

I also tried to explain to Dr. H. that while a book by me, such as titled The Power of Pain, would not be a wild hit or even of interest to anyone, or maybe a handful, there is tremendous power in pain.  I am discovering after this recent surgery the power of pain praying.  I reminded in the texts to Dr. H. that pain is not "bad", it is not the enemy, it is not a negative in the spiritual view.  Pain and suffering, at other levels and dimensions, is love, it is joy.

Now, I also realized and stated to Dr. H., that I have complained of my pain!  It does hurt!  Pain can be temporally quite limiting.  But my desire, my "intent" is to suffer it better, with joy, with not having it rule my thoughts and emotions.  As to what my "intent" would actually be--it would be to have union with God and to in whatever ways, help others to seek and have union with God.  

At this phase, if an intrathecal pain pump can level out the pain and help my intestines to work properly, and to use 1/300th of the medication compared to oral meds, that is fine and makes sense.  Plus, I can help if useful, other persons who might be struggling with pain management options.  Another benefit of the intrathecal pain pump is that the other side effects of pain meds are eliminated, such as the time it takes for oral meds to kick in, and the hassle of monthly refills, or of taking the oral doses every four or so hours, or any risk of accidental overdose: it's all regulated in the implanted pump which is simply refilled every 6 weeks or even 3 months (depending on dose needed) in a simple injection into the pump at the pain doctor's.  The medication goes directly to spinal column.

This has been quite lengthy sharing of a needful decision.  I realized that perhaps I need to consider, list out, and ponder the reasons God calls some to suffer, allows suffering of all types,  and the positives of pain.  This is not to suggest that we not ask for God to remove our sufferings, to grant us blessings, to help us lead active and productive lives--but if one has prayed and "intended" for years, as have so many others with love and even laying on of hands in prayer services, and the healing Mass--well, if one has been called or maybe better put, asked, by God to suffer in this life as a particular calling and purpose, and one has agreed (as have I), then live it!

An answer from the Word of  God this morning in the Office of Readings, made the succinct point, made the decision clear.  It is for any and all persons--in groups of eight, a thousand, or just one solitary soul--costs nothing, requires no set times or time limits, no looking at a photo of someone or an object.  Just needs a humble and desirous, loving, faithful, and hope-in God thought.  

"Surrender to God, and he will do everything for you."

I praise God for Dr. H.'s lovingly seeking for me a way out of my physical pain all these years.  I pray (love the word, don't need to mask it with "intend") that he might consider the benefit he could present to many of his patients who may not have relief or full remission of suffering of various types. He could help them understand the power of pain!  And, for others if they are opposed to simple prayer, of not wanting to surrender to God, people can and do try the Power of 8 experiment or approach.  I personally run the opposite way, ever into the arms of Jesus Christ.  Truth, beauty, goodness.  Faith, hope, love. 

And Lord, I will pray for the grace you will give as has been Thy desire for me for a long time, to stop complaining of the pain.  For pity's sake, yes, it gets so painful sometimes, it is unrelenting, but that is part of its positivity and power of pain praying without ceasing, and of honing my mind, heart, and soul in ways I cannot fathom but you, Lord, do! 

On this Feast Day of St. Agnes, I think of the little girl, age 12, whose wrists and waist too tiny for the shackles to even stay in place, who then was stripped naked in front of pagan onlookers, but still did not give in to the demand she relinquish her Christian faith and be married off, and then faced with her head cut off, she still would not renounce Christ and instead all the more proclaimed His Name and her allegiance to Him, her Love, Protector, and Spouse.

I certainly can use the word "pray," and more importantly, do pray.  My faith is such that one heartfelt request He hears and answers--and not necessarily in the way I will and want, but rather in His Divine Will and omniscience, omnipotence, and eternal presence.  God knows best for us, always, even if it seems painful, hard, and means our death in various ways, no matter our ages or circumstances.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Severe Pain Siege

Dearest blog readers, this wearied, nothing, consecrated, Catholic hermit has been flat on the floor mattress with quite a severe pain siege.  Thus, all has ceased other than existing; and existing is quite a bit of something.

Pain is a powerful force. Pain wipes clean the memory.  Pain shuts down the more active bodily functions, including the ability to stand and walk, to prepare food to eat, to drink much or eat much or think much.  Pain becomes a prayer and thus is the prayer.  The body, influenced by severe pain, tends to automatically shut down enough to protect the body from having to do what will cause even more pain, thus the slow down in food and water intake.  

Since it is so painful to get up and walk, the appetite for food and water subsides; thus no need to eliminate bodily waste other than once in 24 hours.  There is no brushing of teeth or bathing, no ability to walk to the door if there would be anyone knocking; but of course there is no one there knocking.  

The hours and days come and go, and after a few days there is the beginning of thought that perhaps the next day, maybe the body can try to rise and be up for five minutes or so.  Then comes the questioning of if the body is going to be given its energy back ever.  

Thoughts begin to sort through life, screening backwards to choices made, noticing weaknesses in the will and forks in life's road along the way, and how God allowed free rein but also introduced major stop lights at certain juncture points when the will could not seem to make needful choices.

As the days and nights painfully progress, the pain lifts slightly, gradually, just enough to remember the great effort to empty the bucket even if cannot recall the day of that feat.  The mind recalls the body stood for more than four minutes to crush cranberries, an apple, an orange: food enough to eat on a couple times a day for a couple days.  Salted peanuts, a slice of cheese, some old, refrigerated, cooked rice microwaved with some curry sauce--these are the quick-grabs at odd hours.

The laptop remains the window to the outer world and source of communication.  A friend emails, asking if the hermit would like an "Ace" bandage mailed to wrap the injured hand?  No, cannot do work, cannot yet walk the short distance to mailbox. Thanks, though.  

Surely in a few days will be able to drive to civilization; am supposed to see the young grandson in a theater production.  That day comes, and while the body can rise to get more water and use the bucket more often, there is not the energy by a far stretch to even think of driving; but the hermit has been able to gather the mail.

The spiritual father has written.  The cherished letter is among a pile of junk mail.  Perhaps this ratio reflects the amount of junk thoughts and wasted God-time in our lives: mostly junk with a dab of rich quality hidden in the mound of moments.  Fr. V. emails, as well, and inquires as to Advent season, reports his preaching a retreat to high school students in his native Nigeria.

The mind is beginning to recollect above the pain.  A dream is recalled.  The Lord reveals through the images and performance that the body, mind, heart, and soul has not been accepting nor loving someone in the outer life, as himself.  Ah, it is truth!  Correction is needed.  It is not easy to live God's law is it?  We don't even realize, often enough, that we lack love right in our own inner circle.  

God deals with us directly when we are reduced and simplified.  Pain helps reduce and simplify.

By the sixth day of being "mattressed," the mind asks the Lord what is the purpose of this prolonged pain siege?  The reality surfaces that whatever physical, natural impetus triggering the pain siege would have been already rested and corrected.  What is the supernatural or spiritual reason? As with past pain sieges (of which none of this magnitude have been for months and months amidst the numerous short-term sieges), there is always a spiritual reason.

Advent.  Advent waiting. It is in patience in perseverance, that the soul shall possess itself, shall be saved.  These words of Jesus--verbage dependent upon which Biblical translation--give the answer.  The mind considers various here-and-now options.  Perhaps am not making the correct choice in continuing work efforts on this hermitage, trying to make it salable?  Perhaps am not doing with this life what it is the Lord wills and desires of it?  

Waiting.  Thoughts of John of the Cross and Bernard of Clairvaux float to the consciousness.  Am able to correspond with a couple of spiritual friends, physically far away but right here, now.  One brings news of a ridiculous occurrence in an aspect of the temporal Catholic world.  It is a laughable yet painful reminder of how far beyond we ought to be from such temporal foolishness.  There is also great sadness in the example, great irony. Try to let go the details.

Then a young woman calls on the phone.  There are the usual issues going on in her everyday life which continue to be tainted by her short past as well as issues of her own physical body, of infection and illness that interfere with energy, duties as wife and mother, and very much affect temperament and extended family relationships.  Anger, misspeaking, loss of emotional control pepper the past few weeks in her interactions.

I speak of the law of minds and the law of God--the royal law, the law that fulfills and supersedes all other laws.  Love God above all things and love others as oneself.  I mention the example of the foolishness of the sad-but-true story of the monsignor and his parish and the temporal Catholic world occurrence in which the priest once more tamps souls down to his level of love and personal dis-ease.  

We are all capable of hearing about, for example, Bernard of Clairvaux's Four Degrees of Love.  "What are they?' she asks?  The hermit, in the Advent moment able to think above the physical, bodily pain, explains each level and attempts to use simple examples from our current life choices.  

Yes, we humans are able to grasp such matters as degrees of love.  We are capable of being led to the higher levels--or at least of having them presented so that we are aware we can strive for greater degrees of spiritual maturity in God's royal law, in His Love.

You may be asking what are the degrees of love that Bernard, some ten or so centuries ago, wrote out with timeless examples.  He is not the first, of course, to do so.  The same loves surface in the earlier writings of the desert abbas and ammas.  They also exist in the Living Word, even if not listed in ordered fashion.  

The ultimate love is that of God in Himself.  The basic love is love of ourselves.  Yes, it is base to love ourselves; it is a starting point.  Then there is love of ourselves in relationship to others in pleasing others for what reward might come.  Then there is love of others and love of God for what rewards might come.  And again, the ultimate love is love of God in Himself--not for any other purpose.  Just love God as He Is, for Whom He Is, within Him.  Love God in Himself.

All other love unfolds and flows from within God Is Love.

The pain will subside to a point in which the mind can manage the pain rather than the pain ruling the body and mind.  The pain will not be removed from the body in this lifetime, not even with the strongest of pain medications other than if the body were to be medicated to a point of comatose condition.

This pain siege might last the duration of Advent.  But it seems that more likely the pain will be lifted enough for continuance of the manual labor efforts, when the mind, heart, and soul have learned what it is that the Lord wills to directly teach--through reminders from His Living Word, the writings of great spiritual minds and souls, the examples of current life experiences, the flaws of self and others, in dream images and in emails and happen-chance conversation.

Advent waiting can be quite painful!  Yet there is great good in pain, for sure.  There is much unknowing with pain.  We just never know if, when, or how it might lift enough to allow continuation of body, mind, and heart living.  But always we know the soul lives fully in the experience of pain.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and love others as ourselves!  Desire and reach for the highest degree of the Law of God, the Law of Love.