Upon awakening, the pain did not seem to immediately register but the world did, opening the eyes to daylight and the green of earth outside the window. I did not want to be awakened to another day of suffering. So I began to praise God. That is my "technique" for countering my reaction to living with pain. God understands fully; He knows my body, mind, heart, and soul in this world and out of this world.
Took the hours' past-due pain med, stood up, very weak, but went to kitchen: coffee, oatmeal, back to bed to sip and eat reclining. The usual routine, this, and added the magnesium, calcium, D, K, and B-12 vitamin supplements. (I'm doing all temporally, physically possible that is blessedly available to try in building bodily energy so that I might get up, dress, and cope with this consistently higher level of pain. I'm grateful to God for the many blessings given me in the temporal. But I am utterly depleted physically.)
Text Dr. H. and express the temporal pain experience and of my losing ground in the physical. For when up getting the coffee and oatmeal, my legs are weak. The entire body feels as if having to push to just stay upright to do the simple motions of coffee machine and to cook the easy oatmeal. It is the same every morning, but this one am even more weak in body.
I comment upon R., the man who last fall spoke on phone in three-way conversation including Dr. H. who knows this man. R. had a miraculous relief from pain to a point of being "cured" as if through a focused breath "technique". I'd listened last night to another lecture by Dr. Bernard McGinn, this one on the prayer life and advice of various mystics of earlier centuries.
McGinn, in his life-long study of Christian mysticism, points out that people can but prepare ourselves, Develop a prayer life that usually begins with verbal, then mental or meditation on God; for Christians this includes aspects of Christ's life as well as the Trinity--the love of the Holy Spirit that binds Christ the Son with God the Father. McGinn then comments upon prayer at some point becoming more of a contemplation of the Trinity-- a more wordless and imageless form of prayer.
The scholar and theologian emphasizes yet again in this particular lecture, that we cannot make experiences happen, that a mystic cannot make himself a mystic nor to have legitimate spiritual experiences occur. Not everyone will be a mystic in that more extreme aspect. He gives as example that many can play basketball but not all will have more talent, not be on the pro teams. And he stresses there is no technique in particular that will make a person a mystic with mystical experiences. Yet we all are to prepare our minds, hearts, and souls with the desire and openness to receiving God, to desiring union with God, and prayer is a means of preparation. Prayer is our communication with God.
But God alone infuses the grace or graces. He imparts graces through and of Himself and His Son Jesus Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit. All we people can do is to prepare ourselves through love of the Trinity and through the exercise, if you will, of prayer. And to pray constantly as St. Paul mentions in his epistles-- many of the early mystics explain is to have our intentions be that of always directed or focused in love of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. So prayer becomes our way of life, our existence, by means of intention as we cannot always practice or exercise prayer in conscious gradations: verbal, mental, contemplation.
Dr. H. texts about calling later today. He says he might be able to offer some techniques to help with the pain or perhaps my sense of fatigue and inability to seemingly get up and function much at all. I remind him that it is not a matter of techniques, all this situation. I add that two people could do the breathing techniques that R. did, but not have the result R. experienced and I assume is still experiencing the remission of physical pain. God allowed R's outcome due to God giving that grace, that miracle. However, I text that we can discuss the topic of "techniques". (Actually, it is mind, heart, and soul preparation, practice--that of prayer.)
Perhaps there will be good from discussing as I need feedback verbally, or so it seems. I sent an email yesterday through chancellor to bishop regarding my understanding of the need for balance, a reassurance that I have a grasp of these matters of temporal and mystical "worlds" and describe what I mean, and of the necessity of being "grounded". I emailed twice to the parish priest, further sharing some spiritual thoughts and understandings.
By having written emails (including to try to express some of these thoughts to a quite elderly friend), I recognize I am feeling a need for discussion--but what I really could use right now is feedback with those who would have knowledge of or life purpose in such matters and topics. Dr. H. is best for that, it currently seems, for the clerics are too busy to just "talk" or correspond. I knew and know this, yet was unrealistic in reaching out. Dr. H., while not a religious, does have mind and soul interest in such matters. Also a major benefit is that he has known me for years, is innately wise, expeirenced, and has time and availability.
The very elderly friend I emailed is not interested even if Catholic, to have email nor spiritual discussion. I know this; yet my need for discussion or feedback right now is so strong that I emailed the other day, regardless. I know there will be no response of any spiritual matter or aspect. I do know the person prays for me and has a spiritual life, of course, a prayer life and daily lectio divina (reading Scripture in personal, interactive-with-Holy Spirit, meditative way).
But when in a transition phase in particular, so much is being opened up by the Holy Spirit, in the mind, heart, and soul--one must go with whom God reasonably provides. So Dr. H. it is! He has always possessed prescient wisdom from the early years, and he has interest in God and spiritual matters; all this counts. Plus, he is a gift of God.
What I'm trying to point out for those readers who are seeking God, is that we take what and whom God provides when needed, and it may not always be a priest, bishop, or anyone ordained. Go with God's flow. I had even thought in recent days that I'd love to be able to contact Dr. Bernard McGinn for discussion and to ask some questions! But I realize God has provided Dr. McGinn through his lectures online on various topics per Christian mysticism!
Sometimes, no matter the particulars or breadth of silence of solitude, we find a need to discuss with another, the matters of the mind, heart, and especially soul--which all do affect and interface with the body, temporal life. I'm realizing I miss the late Spiritual Da who provided that occasional contact, for as one grows in the spiritual life, the contact does not need to be frequent.
The soul weans away from such need for human discussion or as it was called by early desert hermits--seeking "a word" from a more progressed, wiser, older hermit. The hermit needs a jump-start, so to speak--so travel miles to the hut or cave of an older hermit and once in the old one's presence, asks: Father, give me a "word". So it is similar in our day that we ask for some advice or counsel from a wise, spiritually attuned, other. The "word" from the elder hermits would usually be brief--some wisdom or even a saying that the seeker then could take to ponder and meditate upon, and put into practice.
In my case, some has to do with the bodily pain, of course--which is complicating this current, major, transition phase. I finally made the tangible effort to call the pain doctor and left message with his medical tech--essentially asking for a "word", as well! I want to know if the neurosurgeon request went through and if they've had any feedback, for I've not received a call from the neurosurgeon's office in the three weeks or so since the pain doctor told me he was referring me for the intrathecal pump surgery. So we ask for a "word" in temporal matters more often than what we'd recognize as similar to the "word" a spiritual, a holy God-seeker would ask on spiritual matters.
Mostly, we seek a "word" when we read Scripture, the Living Word, the Word of God, or often simply stated "the Word." And for those well along the way, the path, in seeking Divine Union with God, when we read His "Word," we are reading at a depth or level of understanding in that the "Word" becomes God's speaking to us directly.
The "Word" that Jesus gives me today is that He is sending the Advocate to help me--the Holy Spirit, and that Jesus has to leave the world in order for Him to send the Holy Spirit in His place. Jesus could not live indefinitely as God-Man on earth, for His mission on earth was that of showing us the Way as we live on earth, and to die for our sins and salvation, and to show us the Way forward in our own dying physically and of our rising, but of the Way to God spiritually, also, while we are on earth.
I'd best stop writing which I'd prefer to do, and get up for the second cup of coffee, and then add the protein powder to the vitamin water, and simply get dressed so that I will be at least physically readied to try to perform some physical tasks that might help me distract the mind from physical pain as well as to being to strengthen muscles that are unused. I must try. I have no idea if this is "it" for me as far as being bed-ridden, but I must at least try to build some muscle and stamina. I've been through prolonged phases of major transition before, but none have quite been like this.
I noticed in an old blog years ago that I was in a spiritual transition, and these transitions do tend to also involve the temporal aspects of body, also. But then I'd written of calling the Spiritual Da, and he said, "You HAVE to pull out of this!" He used to also say in minor transition phases that also affected the body, "Get out and back into the gardens!" Manual labor, in other words, and especially for me, working with the plants and trees and earthly hummus, would help my body pull out, and through which there generally would be some sort of breakthrough within.
Also, as God Himself through the Love of Jesus Christ His Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit will give us a "Word" within our inner beings. This level of receiving a Word from God Himself, is a grace. But we do all we can of our own volition and tangible means and preparing ourselves to be open to receiving a "word" which is from God Himself, God alone, solus Deus--meant for ourselves but a "Word" to us within us, always is beneficial and rather universal in effect and helpfulness.
Dear God, the physical pain in this body is fatiguing and depleting to a point that I find myself not even breathing regularly, often, and definitely not deeply. It is as if the body itself wants to shut down the breath in order to rise out of this temporal form of such physical heaviness and pain.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Hold onto, nourish always, Faith, Hope, and Love in God!
[The pain doctor's nurse called and gave a "word." Others are experiencing increased pain due to weather. The referral just went out to neurosurgeon a week ago and can take awhile before I might hear from that office. Go out when there is sun and try to absorb the D from sun. Try to do leg movement when up to get blood circulating. "Hang in and hang on." I'm reminded that seeking a word for temporal means is useful and helpful.]
No comments:
Post a Comment