Catholic Hermit: Almsgiving; St. Mary of Egypt

As those for whom I've asked prayers (mostly saints, mystics, Holy Spirit, angel, those on other side), their prayers are being answered in the grace I've needed to buckle down more in the spiritual life, in the seeking Christ and love of God in Himself, and His love flowing in my imperfect love of others.

Today, in rekindling memory of St. Mary of Egypt, early century, Egyptian desert amma and hermit, patroness of penitents, I asked Mary of Egypt to befriend and mentor me.  She was quite austere; the only similarities in externals are that I do not get my hair cut but rarely.  The sitting to drive, the sitting in a chair for the hair cut, and the added cost and hassle, is my reason, actually.  Plus, long hair can easily be pulled back out of the way; it is simple and can go without hair cuts indefinitely.

I anticipate that there will be actual, further formation of my hermit life in whatever details, but the important aspect is that this alliance is bound to be promising in interior, spiritual ways.  This will be positive; this will be helpful; this will be interesting.

As I was thinking of my comforts and thankfully, finally having some financial stability if I remain fiscally prudent, I realized I used to give away and donate far more and more to parish and church organizations as recipients of my almsgiving.  So I appreciated reading these comments within a sermon on love for the poor, written by St. Gregory Nazianzen, Bishop and Doctor of the Church, 4th century.

"God lavishes spiritual benefits on us if we are willing to receive them:  don't delay to come to the help of those in need.  Give especially to whoever asks you and even before he asks, making an unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine...."

This view of almsgiving is not one I'd considered--to make an unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine.  For in this phase of my life, age-wise and health-wise, I have to be careful financially as Catholic hermits are self-supporting, and that reality hits home all the more during the unknowns of what degree of mobility and pain I will have when the spine surgery recovery year is complete. 

Thankful to have health insurance now, having reached the age in which I can pay for Medicare and a supplemental insurance--as otherwise a physical mishap would wipe out my finances--I must be careful with low monthly income and not dip into savings, for long term health care or even assisted living facilities are quite costly per month.

I've found my monetary charity as of late, has followed along with the aphorism:  Charity begins at home.  I've needed help and have paid for the help.  I've had neighbors do very kindly deeds that were beyond what in time, effort, and expertise could be called minor.  So I gift them monetarily or in essence in gift cards.  Charity includes justice; now and then one will absolutely refuse, but I am not in a position to be able to help them physically in return.

So other than the item donations of which there was an abundance prior to my relocating, such as to thrift stores, the parish rummage sale, and St. Vincent de Paul, my almsgiving in tangibles will be when I can manage to load the truck and drive some clothing and other items I do not need and have unpacked to be able to sort to rid out.

Thus, I'm grateful for this point, which is most helpful to hermits who in our time period must think responsibly and also in charity to relatives or friends who might otherwise be put upon or feel required to provide for us in our last months or years--and who may not be able to well afford that themselves.  If a hermit becomes ill and near life's end, whatever is not going to be needed for health care and a nursing facility, can then be given to the poor.

I realize this is not in the faith or spirit of which I lived in years past, when I lived on my low monthly disability and gifted monetarily all that was left over each month.  And yes, God did provide; I made it through, but by other assistance such as inheritance.  And I learned how fluctuating can be the economy, and that costs rise when my disability is scant increase.  My medical insurance which I must pay out of pocket each month, as I did not have enough Social Security points so that I did not have to pay fully, quarterly--the insurances are a fourth of my monthly income before taxes.

I'd be penniless without the insurance with this spine surgery alone!  So the inheritance regained after the previous debacle when I was naive and vamboozled in buying a house for my hermitage which needed far more than the inspector stated, and all went into what is termed "a money pit" house--the inheritance was regained by the grace of God giving me divine assistance and through kindness of others.  That is invested in part in this hermitage of which I had the blessing to be able to learn from my ignorance and know what's what when it comes to home inspections.

Thus I will continue with my almsgiving in gifting those whom I presume upon to help me in this time of physical dependency, and will tip the costly Lyft rides that I need for doctor appointments since I cannot drive yet myself, and will make unstinting almsgiving of prayer and whatever spiritual uplift and charity to others, living and dead.

For that, I need to up the ante on my own spiritual life and prayer life, so that what I am gifting is good, not cheap, not tainted by my imperfection, my sins.  My almsgiving of spiritual doctrine must be sound in Scripture and the Church, in solid Christian theology, and in wise discernment of spiritual insights of the Holy Spirit.  It must come from my penitence, as well, from genuine humility and knowing of myself, as I am:  nothing to God's ALL.

And in the meantime, I have few needs for myself, as I have plenty and all that I require for warmth, food, medication, and so much comfort.  In that, I am blessed.  And I am well aware that I could have terrible spinal damage and be born in a third world country, living in a hut without running water, and also, long-since dead as I'd not have had the luxury of back surgery years ago.  

So I also then, give monetary donations when specific needs arise of which God makes me aware.  And in my gifting those who spend time and effort (and their gas costs them in running errands for me), if they fuss about accepting the monetary gift, I tell them to please take it as they then can donate it to a charitable cause or someone they know in need.  That works.

And if and when my body heals and strength is regained, and I am able to manage the pain to a point that I can physically help others, that I will offer, as well, in the hidden way of the consecrated Catholic hermit, in quiet ways of which I hope in God that in a year or less I might be able to write about the little physical works of charity a hermit can gift to others while yet in stricter separation from the world, in the silence of solitude (or nearly so), and hidden from the eyes of men, or most!

Perhaps, too, there will come to me an assurance of faith to give all my possessions to the poor as St. Anthony of the Desert felt called to do; but I've written of this before of the reality I had to face of being a hermit in this time period, in this particular country, with my given physical health problems and age.  However, I certainly read in St. Teresa of Avila's letters of her illnesses and then borrowing a saddle to ride a horse to the next of her foundations!  

In the meantime, I give myself to the Holy Spirit, to the Gospel and teachings of Jesus my Lord, to the tutelage of the Virgin Mary and my angel, to the direction and writings of the Christian saints and mystics,  and of holy hermits such as Mary of Egypt, in progressing in the spiritual journey, the spiritual life, so as to have something of worth to offer in making unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine and prayer.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: God Provides "Extern"

I'm partly in humor over the extern* situation, for I am not a hermit-of-yore but very much a consecrated Catholic hermit now in the year 2019.  God is providing through others what one "extern" would have been to a hermit in the Middle Ages, perhaps, such as the female helper who lived in room beside St. Collette's room which was built adjoining the exterior wall of a cathedral.

The Lord has now provided an older (than me) couple who are parishioners of the Catholic church of which I am a registered member.  They had brought me a meal through the parish online, meal sign-up program.  They were one of two meal volunteers who told me to let them know if I needed something.  I had called the two who had made that type of offer, but neither of the two meal-gifters had responded when I needed meds picked up.

The parish nurse evidently did not know what I meant or my need when I spoke with her on the phone a couple times, for as I've shared previously, she said she'd consult her list of volunteers and get back with me.  The person she contacted was a woman who wants part-time work at a hefty hourly rate; the woman had been told by the parish nurse, or else had misconstrued somehow, that I needed far more assistance than I do.  

The other day I thought about the woman's offer to work for me again.  I'd have to pay her 4/5 of what is my monthly income before taxes.  My medical insurance I have to pay out of pocket each month is 1/5 of my monthly income.  Regardless, never could I afford that type of hired help.  However, I can afford to pay for someone to now and then run an errand for me, or pay a Lyft driver for occasional drop off and another to pick me up from Walmart--when I'm physically able to endure that type of outing with the wait time at the pharmacy.

The couple returned my call unexpectedly; they had been away for quite awhile visiting a family member.  Yes, they are most willing to help me in any way needed with errands.  I will, of course, pay for gas and time or in whatever way they may want.  They likely will refuse payment; but I will send them a gift card of some sort--gas and dining out, perhaps.  I won't need any errands for another week or more; I have fresh produce enough for now.

A contemporary hermit has various other options for food and other supplies, however.  I'm becoming more familiar with the availability of deliveries to one's abode.  I simply had not thought in this direction, previously.  Yes, it can cost a bit more, but it also could be less costly than even gifting someone willing to run some errands. 

Depending on a hermit's financial status, determining costs of ordering online and paying a delivery fee must be compared to paying (or if they refuse pay, gifting) someone to run an errand.  I also factor in the interpersonal factor of someone such as this couple belonging to the parish.  There can be great good in the contact with a person or two in which their prayer needs can be ascertained.

As for online ordering, I just read that Walmart is going to begin in a select number of stores to begin with, a home delivery that includes fresh produce, some dairy, and some hardware items.  Amazon also offers delivery of perishables.  While expensive, these companies are becoming competitive; there are year-memberships available that help reduce costs.  As a hermit, I will need to discern God's will as to an occasional interaction with "extern" help or to be more remote from such interpersonal contacts.  There will come a time, unless I pass suddenly, in which I will be among people constantly in a health care facility or nursing home.  Then, pray God, this hermit will have come to being deeply recollected regardless the surroundings.

(I had a text message yesterday from one of the persons who brought two meals via the parish on-line meal program.  In fact, I could have called her to ask if she'd be willing to pick up my meds but decided not as I could tell she and her husband not flush with funds plus she lived a distance away in a separate town.  I am sure she would have been willing, but I want to be considerate of others.  Her message gave the status of her grandson, 17, who is battling leukemia; the chemotherapy's rare reaction caused the loss of his finger movement and leg mobility.  He is a gifted cellist.  We are praying for his fingers to regain movement; he is starting up cello lessons with the hope in God to be able to play again!  He currently is in remission.  I ask your prayers for "Tate" and his family.)

As for my plea and prayer for an "extern" (or a few so as not to burden any one helper), perhaps the Lord wanted me to be open to His seeming ecumenical choosing.  God has provided the two young Mormon (Church of Christ of Latter Day Saints) neighbor children who now water the plants and mow the yard on occasion, now that the weather is cooler.  He has provided the family member who belongs to Church of the Nazarene, and now He has provided the retired Catholic couple.  

For whatever His reasons, God did seem to want me to face that the parish nurse could not quite get the idea of a hermit's "extern" or that of when I emailed her of the idea of a "Christian friend" who could run an errand now and then and be paid a reasonable amount for an errand or might want to be repaid when the hermit is more physically able, with errands or whatever else.  In the past with helpers who did not want monetary payment, I've gifted with rather lovely trees, shrubs, perennials; I've paid with practical possessions such as food, homemade liqueur, religious art, books, tools, wood, dishware, manual labor, or in like-kind services of running errands.

This older couple are ideal because they desire to help without being paid employees wanting set time and set hours, and they are not busy with careers or children.  This Catholic couple will be a lovely connection for me, a hermit, with the worship and life of priests and parishioners.  The couple will also know of prayer needs and intentions of others with whom they interact.  I delight in praying for others; and through the national and world news, through such human contacts, a hermit gains access to specific prayer needs.

A hermit, also, gains access to prayer needs through his or her guardian angel, and through those who have gone before us and are in process to and in heaven.  In "the silence of solitude," a hermit is able to listen to the voice of God; the Holy Spirit brings to us the souls and situations for which the Lord desires us to pray and do penance.  In the silence of solitude, we come to that stillness in which we enter into the "praise of God" as we grow in love of God in Himself.

In my refocusing and delving deeper into what the Church has set forth as the bases and parameters of what a consecrated Catholic hermit (privately or publicly profession of evangelical counsels and avowal), I consider praying for others as part of the "devote [my, his/her] life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Thank you, Most Holy Trinity, for the addition of the Catholic couple to my other Christian, ecumenical externs!

* extern:  (in a strictly enclosed order or in Middle Ages, enclosed anchorite or anchoress) a person who does not live exclusively within the enclosure and goes on outside errands.

Catholic Hermit: Hanging in with God

My effort to get even one person to run an errand for me, to pick up my medications, has proven fruitless.  It is too difficult for even Catholic office staff to grasp how a hermit lives, what might be a need for this one time before I can drive means.

Even my physical situation is too much for a cousin who I spoke with today on her birthday.  We've been close for 29 years.  She, too, easily forgets that sitting is way too painful for me and jiggling on a Walmart electric shopping cart would skyrocket the pain for which I already have to be on pain medications and lots of movement restrictions.  I reminded her, and of course she remembered.

I had called the parish office secretary to see if she knew anyone out of the 11,500 parishioners who might be able to do the errand.  I'm happy to pay gas and time--but I had no idea what time can cost for some people.  She reminded the parish nurse of my request and brought forth the one person the parish nurse evidently thought of on her volunteer list since my plea four days ago, after two phone calls of explaining my surgery situation and on-going recovery, as well as the hermit life, and my not having an opportunity to develop a help or network find an extern or two or three.

So I get this phone call from a lady.  She somehow had it in mind that it would be a part-time job, as in four hours a day or so, to come and cook full meals and do other household and care-taking tasks.

No, I only need someone to pick up my prescription and credit card, go to the Walmart, give them the prescription, do her own shopping or whatever during the time to wait, and when might be in my vicinity, drop off the meds and credit card.  I've got meds enough for a few more days.

The lady even said her husband works full time at the exact Walmart that I've been getting the meds filled!  I thought how wonderful!  Her husband could even do it--drop off when he goes in the morning and pick up from pharmacist (who he'd know) on way home from work.  She could bring them to me at her convenience.

But she was still on the idea of set work schedule for herself. Then she told me that she'd been trying and trying for some time to get the parish to hire her part time, to no avail.  Oh, my.  This was not some volunteer.  This was a woman who'd been after them for part time work at I'm not sure what, as they don't need meals cooked for them, had been rejected more than once (the woman told me some of it), and the parish nurse was tossing her to me as a bone to the starving, chained dog.

I repeated I only need an occasional errand until I can drive, or until I feel I can ride in a Lyft car to the Walmart and be able to stand and walk around with my walker until the prescriptions are filled, then call a Lyft to pick me up and come home.  (Granted, I thought it would be lovely to have someone to call upon if I had some other need, but I realized I'm not that flush with funds.)

I asked her hourly.  It took quite awhile to fish it out.  Well, I could take two trips to the Walmart and back, and have cash left over for what it would be to pay her time and gas at her hourly rate.  It was extra painful for me to know her husband is in charge of a department at that Walmart, and I could tell she was older, no children.  She talked on about how active she is in the parish.  Her weekend is filled with the various aspects.  That's great!

I'm not sure the relevance of that to my needing someone to pick up my meds, but I explained it was not expeditious for the driving time and her waiting time and then more driving time, and that I cannot afford nor do I need someone to work regular hours daily.  I had not needed prepared meals for nearly four weeks.  I apologized for the me-parish nurse-her miscommunication.

She continued to want to sell her services.  I said I'd take down her information, but that if I got to a point that I'd need part-time help, I'd have to make other arrangements totally, anyway.  I am in the mending mode and another four or six weeks anticipate to be at least able to utilize Lyft drop off and pick up if I cannot drive myself.

I do feel sorry for her.  She mentioned where they live, and that there are patio homes nearby that would be good for me--price exorbitant; their area is--high-end.  Does she really need the income, or is this something to keep her busy?  I did not ask, but I wondered within my spinning head.

In the end, she told me to feel free to call her anytime to talk.  I reminded her I'm a hermit, and that I rarely talk on the phone, but that I appreciated her letting me know about her desire for a part-time job, and I will pray that she get one.  And I will.

Dead end with the parish for a hermit's occasional errand, that is obvious.  I can get sad and frustrated--sad because I have such ideals for us Catholics.  The woman who brought me communion certainly lives up to her given name:  Angel.  But she is away on vacation, and running errands could get old for anyone person; although I know she'd have done this errand.  She did it five weeks ago and did her own grocery shopping while waiting for the pharmacist to fill my script.  She went when it was convenient for her, and she dropped off the meds when convenient for her. That is what I wanted; I don't like to inconvenience people.  I tried to pay her, but she would take nothing.  But I will repay her somehow, when I'm up more and she is back from their 8-week trip.

I'm accepting the reality of this--without going into various thoughts I've had of the disappointment.  I've compared and contrasted this with my Mormon (Church of Latter Day Saints) neighbors outshining my Catholic parish seventy-times-seven-fold....  The neighbor woman is having her seventh baby induced on Monday, so they will be busy this weekend getting ready for the moved-up baby birth date.  But she texted that next time her husband goes to Home Depot, of course he will return some items for me.  I said I would gift pay for his effort, which I will.  He is not going to expect the hourly the Catholic parishioner would like.  

He's been teaching his two children about "service"--the two who water my plants and had been refilling my ice pump twice a day until I took that task on this week.  They have told me their dad does not want me to pay for the bags of ice he's gone to get when I've run out; I tell them how impressed I am and how wonderful, but that of course I am paying.  Next month they are getting a bonus only because this month I had to pay my dental bill.

And I don't find the Catholic woman's hourly terrible if one is doing manual labor, but I cannot afford that much especially for drive time and sitting time.  I have to be prudent with my finances.  Paying the sweet neighbor children for watering plants and replacing ice in my ice pump that keeps the swelling and pain down on my surgical area, has me going over my income this month.  It adds up even with kids who are thrilled with much lower hourly.

But now I am settling down, having written some of this out of my system.  Even after conversation with Catholic woman was ended, I told myself, for it is the truth, that the Lord is not opening a door through the parish nurse who has a list of volunteers and is in charge of various volunteer programs the parish offers.  It is impressive, I tell you, all the programs!  

I have been in awe of this parish and the many programs and activities and the friendly people buzzing about.  It's just not the venue for a Catholic hermit--even if excluding my current back situation--to be involved in the activities and programs.  Not in the parameters of my vocation.  Yet, also, I've never known of a priest with the leadership skills that this one exhibits.  He is a marvel, and I pray for him to keep up the energy as I honestly can't figure how he does it other than through divine intervention. (I did not know my spiritual father when he was a priest that age, though; he was a saintly marvel when I met him at age 75!)

The parish secretary had given me the name of a man who might help, but I don't for now have the stamina to call, for I fear he is also wanting part time work or has some business or other.  I don't want more disappointment in accepting that there is no one in that parish (other than Angel who is away on vacation) who is willing to run the errand, or even in a couple weeks, another if I need.  I can't provide on-going employment nor double or more the pay that I'd pay a Lyft driver, both ways, for two separate errands.  Lyft drivers are also trying to earn a living, and the ones I've met thus far really, really do need the income.

I've decided it is time for me to do what is going to cause a whole lot more physical pain, but I will try to minimize the pain by calling the pharmacy, find out their least busy hours, do the Lyft idea then, and increase pain med prior to leaving.  And, while there, since it is so painful for me to stand in one place with my walker, I will walker to the produce section and get what I need, walker back to pay for the prescription while calling for another Lyft driver to take me home.

Even with tip, I'll be out a chunk of money, but it will be a lot less than paying the Catholic lady.  And what's more appealing about it is that I won't have to deal with extraneous conversation of anyone in my hermitage.

I have only been up 3 times today.  I will get up once more.  It's late.  I was done in from the surgeon appt. on Wed., then yesterday with the physical therapist.  The social worker came this morning, and she had nothing to offer other than similar--companies in the area who want 20 hours or more a week of work and charge the same as the Catholic lady, and who are licensed and bonded, trained, and would provide me with more hermit privacy than the parishioner.

The social worker quickly realized I don't need that level of service.  Instead we talked over how events in persons lives can affect them.  She was adept with the topic, it being partly in her field.  It was lovely, absolutely lovely, the conversation!  Am praying for her efforts with the various people she helps.

I'm hanging in with God.  Tomorrow I will try to do the "to-date" physical therapy exercises and get up 8 times.  Plus I'll try to stay up longer when I do get up...if the body is able.  I hope in God it will be more able than today.  I'm going to take some time to reflect upon the outcome of my seeing if I could get occasional errand via a parishioner, as it probably relates somehow with the hermit-life pondering I'm doing.

How does this outcome relate with "devoting my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world?" 

Right now I'm so tired that I'll save the pondering--other than what the Holy Spirit might tell me in the night, in dreams or however--until I'm tomorrow morning "Singing a new song unto the Lord."

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Trinity Sunday in Process

Here it is, Trinity Sunday, and thankfully this old hermit's body is fatigued from pain and recent manual labor.  Being slowed down is a blessing on the Lord's Day in which one is to "rest".  

Yes, there are different aspects of what it means to "rest".  I appreciate the facet of resting in the Lord's love, remaining in His Love.  It is akin to being in peace within His Sacred Heart, or to rest in the adoration and praise of God.

Currently, I must keep working around Te Deum hermitage.  When the pain sieges hit, such as a week ago was in the midst of one, it is the Lord's day of rest, without options.  In fact, on a bed of extreme suffering, one is resting with the Christ on His Cross.  (For the sake of His Sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.  These lines from the Divine Mercy litany come to mind.)

First thing this morning I had to dispatch a raccoon.  The reality made me ponder all the more the life of hermits of yore, and how I would love it if my prayers were answered that the raccoons would remain off property and not be menacing!  I assume some hermits had to deal with wild life challenges--those who were not gifted with being able to tame the animals or cause them to obey commands with but a word or two.

Then I had to set about setting up more soaker hoses.  We've not had rain in quite awhile, and all is becoming dry at a time in which spring growth causes plants and trees to thirst.  Plus, striving to get the property in top condition will help as I must soon finish and sell.

And that will occur whether or not I finish, for the funds will run out before long.  Or, I will be plucked from this earth or not allowed to finish by some bodily mishap. These aspects of our being a "puff of smoke" (refer to James 5 and a previous post on the topic) are ever part of our human existences.

The couple from the parish arrived with His Real Presence, and we mentioned Trinity Sunday.  I recalled a recipe handed down by my grandmother, of a cake called Whitsunday Cake.  The woman (of the couple) asked what kind of cake would that be?  I said, "White!"  We laughed.  I've not had the leisure or functioning kitchen since I've been in this hermitage, to even consider making the cake in order to help celebrate Trinity Sunday. My grandmother was Protestant; I think they referred to Trinity Sunday as White Sunday, perhaps?  WhitSunday?  Or is this from the Anglicans?

Regardless, I'm trying to appreciate the liturgical day and the Three-in-One of the Most Holy Trinity!  Yet amidst mending some soaker hoses, weeding, and next hoping to have the physical energy to go to the upstairs bathroom to finish two tile pieces, once I've figured if their placement is the best option, and rehang the vanity light fixture, I also might get the air compressor hose and trim nail gun set to install some wood trim in that bathroom.

With apologies to the Lord for such manual labor, of course He knows my predicament here as much as He knows my days of suffering and inability to be mobile, then, are times of resting in His Love even if as on a cross, I would prefer to not suffer so.

Perhaps soon, this puff of smoke nothing consecrated Catholic hermit will have the manual labor back to a point of some moderation, and there will be a delightful adjusting of the day's ebb and flow to include far more spiritual reading.  Yet, it is amazing what with some focus, a soul can do with reading the daily Mass Scriptures upon early waking, and to ponder them off and on all day while at the manual labor--especially gardening tasks or other more meditative type physical work in which the mind is not required to focus on being careful with power tools or measurements or the how-to of the efforts.

I sense the Lord quite close, as well as beloved ancestors, and the angels and saints as I continue on, working at beautifying and completing a place on this earth in which someone will hopefully enjoy and not be bothered with the manual labor that I've been engaged with for five years--in between pain sieges, that is, and extended illnesses each winter.

I marvel at the interactions of the Holy Trinity.  In my simple way, I will honor the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit today by trying to do tasks in three's and in one's.  I will continue to praise the Trinity in whatever ways come to me to do so.  Perhaps silly--but a bit ago I enjoyed a "white" coconut frozen milk bar...not that I deserve such a treat.

No, I do not think in terms of which I had mentioned a post or two past, of a friend who repeats often enough that some person or other "deserves" this or that.  I simply think I do not deserve anything in this life, especially when I consider my sins as well as my short comings.  And even more so, I deserve nothing when I consider the Holy Trinity and the Three Persons, and all that I owe Three-in-One simply for my existence, forgiveness, love They bestow, as well as salvation.

Now, to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I must rise from the sleeping bag on the floor in this room I dedicated as a prayer for an elderly couple who are going through difficult times of the man's decline.  I will repair another soaker hose that had a leak, turn on the flow of water, and ascend the stairs to the bathroom tiling task remaining.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!  And, Lord, please have mercy on my soul on this Whitsunday in which once more, ora et labora graces this lovely day. 

Addendum:  As the marvels of the Trinity unfold, in my little temporal carpentry and tile tasks, there have been three trim boards to custom cut and fit, three tile pieces to custom cut and fit, and a seemingly infinite number of trips back and forth to the pole barn to the table saw!  As I worked and prayed, and now as I take a needed rest, I hear a power trimmer in one near-distant direction and a lawn mower in another.  Earlier were the sounds of a hammer down the road a ways.  I'm in union with the lay workers who are trying to catch up over this three-day Memorial weekend.  It is unlikely they are pondering the Trinity nor are aware it is Trinity Sunday; but all the same, we are all at work with thoughts in our minds, surely, or sounds of music, and definitely the "music" of our tools.  One thing certain with this Catholic hermit, should I live to experience another Trinity Sunday, it will not be as this one, even this year Jesus knows full well the temporal predicament I am in with needing to keep making hermitage-completion progress.  As God and as a carpenter Man, He knows all aspects far better than I; and I wonder if He has been smiling today with my attempts to praise the Trinity with three-and-one tasks?

Catholic Hermit: Jesus, I Trust in You, and Solus Deus

Well, this morning this hand-pained, spinal headache-ridden, spine-damaged, consecrated Catholic hermit texted my young helper's mother to end the employment arrangement.

After the call from the financial advisor yesterday, and a medical bill not covered by the co-pay I pay for monthly in order to prevent total financial ruination should something befall my body in as much as one trip to ER for stitches, I realized that it is better to save the money spent on the young lad's employment and to continue on, working slowly and very much solus Deus, alone with God.

There really is nothing that I could think of for the boy to do even for two hours on Saturday--work that he actually wanted to do and could do--well or even in average results.  He had grown weary of yard work, and weeding, especially, is what I need help with due to the painful right hand that is past-due for surgery.

It is a shame in a way, for I delight in having a good and kind young helper who wants to learn and to have his first job.  His mother was eager for him to work here, as two or three summers ago I employed his older brother in what was his first job.  But then, there were more construction type work efforts, and there were tasks that I truly did need help with such as lifting full sheets of drywall and 1/2" cement board into place.  The older brother was a year older and definitely stronger in that year's gain.

I had to make a decision based on prudence, for a change.  Prudence is not my strongest virtue, if I can even put it that way, for I can't think of any virtues that seem to be "strong" if I were to declare verdict upon myself.  However, there was not enough benefit from the outlay of funds.  Perhaps one work session of two hours out of five resulted in better work effort on the part of the lad.  Granted, not many youth nor also adults, love yard work.  

I do.  I love to weed, love to spread bark mulch, love to work, in general.  I had explained to the boy that if he can get his head wrapped around the attitude of loving weeding and learning to get out the roots, to stick with it at a steady work pace, he could name his price here.  I see people's postings frequently, begging for workers who will weed--and some say "Name your price."  Ah, if I had the time and my own property in shape, and not under the crunch to get it finished and sold, I'd love to do weeding for the many who disdain that task.

I tried all psychological means to help the lad to learn how to present himself and make himself marketable to an employee.  I also had to remind him to stand up to use the shovel, to get off the ground and use the shovel instead of his finger to dig out invasive bluebells with their bulbs down deep. I pointed out how lengthy the bathroom visits and had to dock him wages when he did not get the message after I said in the real world, there is a short break after four hours of labor.  

Regardless, the Lord will help the lad find a job of which he will excel, and another year or two of physical maturation will help him immensely.  Admittedly, not many young persons (or old!) are able to change their attitudes and decide to love to do work that for whatever reasons, they have decided to not love, or even like.  It will take a lot of prayer offerings for me to squeeze the old body into the crawlspace to finish the insulation project--and to rid out the dead rat carcasses as I come upon them, scooting on my back with such little head space that I must keep my head sideways to get under the joists.

That is, if I do not have some event occur prior to that task.  Yesterday while I was tending a fire (trying to burn out a stump in front yard) and also gathering dried weeds I'd pulled previously, while watering plants, while spraying pots and planting flower starts to brighten the porch and yard for marketing charm--I turned and tripped over one of my feet and fell!  Thankfully it was on the grass, missing the cobblestone front walkway.  Miraculously, while I landed with my right ankle and foot awry, it did not re-sprain it.  I also landed with the force going to the left wrist, and miraculously again, nothing injured!

Ever since the call from the financial advisor and his heightened concern, I'd been repeating aloud and within, "Jesus, I trust in YOU!"  I shook off the element of his questioning voice, "What are you going to DO?"  I commented that I would simply keep working, that I knew nothing other than to "do" than to just keep working.  I reminded him how marvelous has been this "death therapy" experience, that the wonder is that I am not freaking out from how scary could be my funds remaining.  A root canal would wipe it out.  I also (perhaps foolishly but isn't it true?) stated more than questioned, "What is the worst that can happen--that I'd run out out of money?"

So it is Jesus-I-trust-in-You all the more, and solus Deus time!  God is with me; God is with us all. I had to remind myself that my mission and purpose in life and my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit is being lived as it ought as far as the tangibles; and the prayer life, praise of God, and the penance and sacrifice that tends to heighten the prayer and praise with a very cutting-edge and real intensity and veracity, all go with the life of a Christian and especially a Christian who is an eremite in the Church, no matter what time period in which one lives.

Alone with God--solus Deus--is what we all are when the externals are stripped.  To be alone with God is also enhanced when much of our internals are stripped, as well.  John of the Cross clarifies the process with his writings of the purgation of the senses and of the purgation of the spiritual senses.  Dark night of the senses, dark night of the soul, he terms this process and reality.

To trust in Jesus and to accept living in especially this magnificent hermit vocation, solus Deus is a joy to experience.  In having the temporal necessity to cancel the young lad's employment, there is a gush of freedom in delight of being once more in this day that lays ahead, of whatever work the body can perform and in whatever prayers and praises bubble forth from my very soul.

Jesus, I trust in You!  Solus Deus!  Onward, forward, come what may!  Only God knows!

Catholic Hermit Ba-a-a-ck!

There are many "backs" in the past couple of days.  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's back, as in spine, is back to more functional thanks to a moment of clarity last Monday in which I had the sense to try pain meds at therapeutic dose and regular schedule.  The debilitating nausea from radiating low back pain was toned down just enough to be able to rise and even shim and hang a double closet door.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Then I received a call from the Apple Store in civilization that the laptop is repaired, thankfully under warranty to the last day or would not have had funds to fix it.  And also, I was able to manage to drive  "back" into civilization not only to retrieve the laptop but also to make the orthopedic hand surgeon appointment. 

The surgeon was most impressed with the x-rays showing a "most unhappy hand," as he put it.  He shook his head with how I've pushed the body, but when I explained the long-standing back pain, and that I'm no longer a good assessor of pain and thus at times can keep going beyond what is normal, he understood.  Thus when he asked if I could feel tingling here or there on various fingers, I could not.  He understood when I explained I so much keep my mind distracted and out of my back pain, that I have to actually make my thoughts return and enter the body and focus on feeling various aspects of the pain.

And thus, he talked over the surgery necessary, and the four-month recovery period, and he listened to my explanation of the mess I'm in financially and physically with needing to finish (if possible, of course) this abode I got myself into.  He thought perhaps best that I try to finish despite the hand pain and torn ligaments and tendons, to wear a brace, and finish if I can relatively soon.  For the length of recovery would take me into spring when I was hoping to list, in order to pay back the personal loan a family member gave last spring.  The hand is already a ruination, so it cannot get much worse!

I tried the brace yesterday morning when trim painting a final coat on some boards to finish upstairs closet openings, but the brace presses on some tissue that is most painful.  So I'm "back" to going without a brace and letting pain indicate what I can and cannot tolerate.  And the hand cannot tolerate much.  But more dictatorial is the low back pain which even with sleeping on the floor and dispensing with the mattress, is quite a load-full of suffering.  Even with the pain meds now, I was way too nauseous yesterday to continue with additional efforts, upright.

However, praise the Lord that the edge of pain, toned down, has been blessedly adequate to chase all morbid thoughts that were plaguing me and of which I had to battle increasingly--up to finally battling day-and-night.  It is no way to live, battling those dark thoughts!  Too much pain it was, more than the mind and emotions can bear over extended period of time!  God provides, and I'm thankful despite some family and friends making most unkind and ignorant comments regarding needing medication.

I've already started praying for the blind faith necessary to proceed and to hope that I can have that low dose of relief through the storm fronts that are a direct correlation to the high increase of back pain.  If not, God knows.  Will face whatever when that present moment arrives, one way or another.

I continue to be bolstered by a couple comments by St. Paul.  "That God may be all in all" and "I have not suffered yet unto blood."

I have called now two times to request anti-nausea medication and refill of pain medication, to the primary care doctor, with no response thus far.  Monday I will try again.  It is a shame to have to go "back" to any dose of medication, even low dose, but one must recognize the limits.  I have since asked two spiritual friends who keep in touch via email or texting, to remind me to take pain meds if I should get myself so crazed from pain as it has been, that I cannot think clearly as to what will help.

With the hand surgery, it will be a fascinating social experiment, or perhaps a test of the depth of charity in parishioners or anyone here, to see if there will be someone willing to drive me to have the hand surgery and to tote my carcass back to my hermitage!  I know God will provide, even if it means I remain at the surgery clinic until I have wits and energy enough to drive myself.

Then, I received a most unusual letter from my spiritual father, and he needs money.  Something is amiss for he no longer receives a stipend; and he has a woman there as his power of attorney and who handles his checking account.  He should not be hung out like this in his circumstances, now retired after offering of himself for years in service to the Church.  

A trusted financial advisor and tremendously faithful Catholic is one whom I turned to with a phone call. He is going to investigate.  In the meantime I sent what cash I had remaining from the vegetable stand, of which I had in an envelope in case one of the young men returned for a day to do some heavier yard work, on a non-stormy day...!  I am thankful to have it and to be able to send it. as the financial advisor thought that best until he can figure out what is going on.  The priest needs protection from whomever or whatever has left him in this financial state.

Bless his heart; he wrote that he evidently had mismanaged.  I don't believe that one bit.  He is the most prudent of souls, and also, though, generous.  There were some transitions going on in his living circumstances, and he did gift out much of his funds for the diocese was going to absorb, in the transition.  Yet, why he has no more a stipend is a mystery to be solved.

There is nothing I will not do for this holy soul, this marvelous priest, the only one who knows the innermost parts of my own soul and the souls of many, save of course, God's knowing all souls.

I am back to doing whatever I can--hand, back, nausea, counsel and prayer, meager acts of charity.  I am fine if my anam cara  and I go down together financially. What I have is also his.  That's how I view it, and I pray that the financial advisor can get to the bottom of the situation.  We need to establish a trusted means that what I share is going to the priest and none other.

Now to attempt some manual labor, praying the nausea does not take over.  Yesterday it did.  It is only pain, only nausea, and while this is true--pain is most powerful.  Human pain is what caused Jesus to cry out on the cross, what caused Him to cry tears of blood in Gethsemane, what caused Him to be disheartened that his beloved disciples could not wait but one hour with Him.  It was human pain that caused Jesus to weep over Jerusalem and to weep at the grieving love when going to raise Lazarus from the dead.

When suffering becomes heightened, pain becomes the constant, autonomic prayer.  In suffering, we pray always in an instant of our offering all to God.

And we know that with the Lord, and thus also with those of us who are through, with, and in Him, human suffering is also spiritual and divine suffering.  There is tremendous physical power in pain, enough to bring down the most stoic of persons, enough to create ancillary pain issues like debilitating nausea, tears, and wishes to die.  

And there is tremendous spiritual power in pain, enough to cause prayers to be highly efficacious; and in the divine aspect of pain, there is power enough to unite us with Christ in the present moments of agonizing suffering.

We are all back when we suffer with the Lord and offer our sufferings for the glory of God and His holy purposes in all matters of earth and heaven.

Catholic Hermit: Living the Vocation

That is what I'm doing, simply, silently, and at the pace God wishes: slowly.

Am very tired out from toe infection.  Trip to ER took care of it, and I'm thankful was on antibiotics when a gum infection came along.  Or so it seemed like the gums as they were fiery with pain.

But later, when a dentist asked if I felt this or that when he prodded a molar, I had to admit to him that after over three decades of constant, rather high-level pain, I have developed the "skill" to mostly distract and place my mind away from pain.  Thus, in situation such as toe infection and now the gum and tooth infection, it is not until the great tidal wave comes crashing on the shores of my body, do I realize something is needing medical attention.

The pain has to be enough, or coupled with such as red-pink streak going up foot from pinkish-red toe, to be enough to bring me back to more physical awareness.  And, perhaps this is true, also, for bringing my mind to more conscious awareness of spiritual readings.  I'm finding my mind is away, possibly close in with God, but I don't know for sure, of course.  It flies from my willed awareness or forced consciousness; the thoughts become whatever God weaves within.

I located a dentist online, whose reviews on a couple sites are excellent.  Turns out not too far to drive, and they got me in within hours of my call.  This impressed after what I went through with local doctor's clinic, calling to request being seen when I saw that I had a toe infection, describing the red going up my foot....  Three days' wait to see a nurse practitioner for an "assessment" was dangerously long, under the circumstances.   I said so, and went to ER.

And how God provides!  At the time I did not know what lurked within a molar.  So having an antibiotic prescribed for the toe that just happens to also be sometimes used for gum infections: providential!  I just about did not go to a dentist as the gums were improving some; yet the pain when I would focus on the physical body, was localizing at the tooth.

Now there will be some costly work needed on that tooth, and in the meantime there may need to be another round of antibiotics, but hopefully the current one will suffice.  The costs are such that someone close mentioned just getting the tooth removed--that old people do that, and poor, also.

So I've been pondering with the Lord, if I am in these categories truly: old and poor.  What comes to mind is the posit of if a hermit with a vow that included the evangelical counsel of poverty, would repair a tooth or have it removed.  It is not so much the money or age, although I admit I do not feel as if I'm at the age of giving up on my otherwise very healthy teeth.

This problem originated two decades ago when a dentist cracked my tooth putting in a filling.  He kept saying nothing was wrong with the tooth, but I continued to know something was not right.  Another dentist immediately found the crack, had to grind the tooth and put on a cap.  Has been great all this time, but a dentist when I made a trek in December, said the cap was loose at edge and saw a bit of decay starting.  He cleaned and filled and sealed the cap.

Unfortunately, he did not get the other side of tooth, some decay, and the capped tooth was like our consciences sealed over sins we are denying; and the more they are kept in the dark and hidden within, the more they grow and fester.

Without the gums being horrifically inflamed and painful, with obvious signals otherwise, I'd not have gone to a dentist.  But the process is good for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit:  Do I have the tooth repaired and use part of the small loan keeping me afloat here until I can finish this place and sell?  Or do I resolve to have the tooth removed, which will be far less costly?

So I weeded some, in the death stench area of strawberry patch, having found but a handful of berries--crop decimated by raccoons this year.  (It had been a blessed income of contributions folks would leave for the berries I'd place on roadside table--kindly, generous folks who could contribute or not, to the little clay pot for whatever produce they'd like.)

In weeding, the meditations run deep, silent and deep, and there is a stillness within that brings clarity.  Some thoughts did surface to the conscience in which I reviewed the reason I ended up in this predicament, financially, to begin with. Then the praises flowed for how challenging and downright difficult it has been to endure in all ways--physically, emotionally, mentally--living in such hardship of rough-living circumstances.  But spiritually--ah!--the ordeal has been exquisite!

There really is no answer yet, from the Lord, as to what to do about the tooth.  If one looks to present moment inner peace, it is to have the tooth repaired, for jaw, alignment, and bite problems can occur from a major tooth removal.  If the money runs out all the sooner--and yes, I may need another shoulder surgery at some point nearing--then I bail out all the sooner. 

What difference does it make?  The dentist is a kindly soul, and knowledgeably skilled.  His office is lovely--so much so that I inquired prior to having the gum infection checked, when I arrived--as to the cost for the visit. It was rather reasonable!  I was expecting exorbitant costs for the loveliness of the office, the beautiful views, the delightfully efficient and kindly employees!

There is an encounter, I sense, to be forthcoming, in this tooth repair process.  We shall see.

I was considering otherwise, in various ways of needing to slow down the work push to finish yet this summer here.  The Lord is prohibiting the progress with the niggling health issues, while at the same time the loan money is slowly ebbing.  He is not seemingly providing for a close-by escape.  More, He wills all is slowed down--the manual labor push on the hermitage, and slower mindset with time to ponder the spiritual aspects.

A hermit would naturally be inclined thus, to ponder in silence, solitude, and slowness, and to work in such manner also--to carry out all interactions with such aspects.  Surely, though I am learning the lesson of too many irons in the fire, and of how simplicity can slip easily away without one realizing it until life has become more temporally complicated.

Living the vocation is the point--as opposed to writing about it.  At this phase, the inner communication and process with the Lord is too rich and evolving to put into words.  Miracles abound in details within and without--within the soul and without in the temporal aspects.

Authenticity is a word, however, that comes to mind as being crucial to living the hermit vocation.  It is a word that only God can judge when it comes to a hermit's living his or her vocation authentically, for authenticity runs deeper and wider into the soul itself.  

We may not even know how to "be" authentic, yet we resonate with the truth in a nutshell:  A soul must be authentic before and within God.  

Catholic Hermit Loves Jesus' Look to Heaven

I love the Gospel of John.  Within, yesterday's Mass Gospel including the Lazarus event with Martha and Mary, and Jesus' bringing Lazarus back from death.  

When Jesus looks to the heavens (and I imagine Him lifting His hands up, as well), it reminds me of St. Godric of Finchale who in instances of praise would lift up his hands or objects in them, and thank God for all blessings.  

Yesterday when the couple brought me Communion and read the Gospel message, the image of Jesus looking to the heavens had me later remembering when I was under this old place here in two feet or less of crawlspace, trying to get some odd-angled plumbing pipe configuration to fit.  I had one pipe remaining to connect to another, and I could not get them to come together properly.

So I lifted up one piece enough--few inches as not enough head- or arm-room for more, and I praised God.  "Lord, I know you can easily fit these pipes together, and I praise You and thank You for all You provide for me in all matters temporal and spiritual!"  I made one more attempt with the pipes, and they fit right together, easily.

Gestures with faith, hope, and love surely please God.  And once more, we can look to Jesus to see how to think, speak, act, and "be".  Jesus looks to the heavens and to His Father.  He weeps with compassion for and with others.  He speaks to God the Father in loving, sonly, familiar terms.  He listens to God; He listens to people.  He is amazed and at times even exasperated with the repetition required for such as His disciples to begin to understand something He teaches...and sometimes tells them they will only understand later.

Well, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has done something not done in nearly 33 years.  Yesterday morning after taking the Doxycycline twice a day for seven days without much issue, was unable to keep the little antibiotic down.  Was so unused to the signals of upchucking, I barely made it to the bathroom.  Again, this morning, lost another pill.  Am awaiting call back from medical personnel on what to try otherwise.  Nausea is a side-effect, but I lift my head to God in Heaven and thank Him for the seven days of having antibiotic benefit.  Still have four more days, and I do need more help as the sinuses and lungs are not well yet despite massive improvement.

I've been listing some things to sell which is time consuming, and I've sold three items:  dishes, PVC pipe, and a door.  Cutting the prices way down, and still it will take awhile with much more to dispense with.  Praising God that I have a few more months financially, and otherwise if He wills, to keep selling off and also working on finishing the place.

We never know the day nor hour (nor minute) ahead of us, nor when we will befall some major shift in circumstances.  I'd not be surprised if the Lord takes me a bit further here and then yet says, "Now you must give in and give up, walk away temporally stripped."  Friends think surely the Lord will not want me beholden to family members, although a friend has already offered that I could live with her.

Now, that would alter the hermit's solitary life; yet we know that most hermits end up not having total solitude in living conditions as they age or at least in final sickness and passing.  Practical considerations affect hermits as they do anyone.  But a consecrated Catholic hermit, living out what the Church requires of privately and publicly professed alike, remain as hidden from the eyes of men in the silence of solitude, as much as God individually forms of any particular hermit's vocational circumstances.

In other words, above all else, a Catholic hermit ought look to God the Father in Heaven, and of course follow Jesus in all aspects that He looked to His Father in all things--as One in the Father and the Holy Spirit--God made Man, born to Mary, lived, died, and resurrected from the dead, descended into hell and ascended into Heaven where He is with the Father and Holy Spirit in triune oneness.

So, to, must we consider remaining in Christ's love, living and dying to ourselves, seeking always divine union with the Holy Trinity.  Looking to heaven as Jesus did while on earth--in gesture, visual, and spiritual modalities--is a tiny effort we can make within our minds, hearts, and souls as well as with bodily gesture.  Small yet mighty in focus and love of God, we can gift ourselves to Him daily.

Well, yesterday as the couple who brings this hermit His Real Presence in the tangible Host, they were thankful that my infected sinuses and lungs had improved in the week.  I mentioned it is like Lazarus--that Jesus had come to call me from the tomb, to come out and begin anew, leave my pj's and gravity of illness behind.  We had a chuckle over that, but how true indeed is Jesus' efforts with us in all types of situations.  

The Living Word applies to us and us to the Living Word in vast ways and means if we take time or have the inclination and desire to notice the infinite connections with the Lord in all aspects of our existences.
  
God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit's Temporary Bail-out

The reality of what hermits live out might seem surprising to many.  

I recall in the second year of my hermit vocation (vows over 16 years ago), I was for short time in an upstart Catholic hermit community that followed the Carthusian template.  So when it came time for my habit as a novice, the reality of no longer being "hidden from the eyes of men" caused many people to easily let their notions of what a Catholic hermit ought and not ought be, to rule their thoughts and tongues.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit let me see the pitfalls rather soon that the woman who attempted the community of hermits with the approval of her vicar general was not prepared to do so with success.  I knew for other factors as well, that the experience needed to quickly end.  The foundress of the community was irate, which put a period to my suspicions; and within a couple years her diocese put an end to it anyway.

It was most painful for me to accept that I must leave, that God was not blessing my furtherance in what was a tremendous idea had it a more prepared and obedient founder.  Yet, all ended up for the better, and I learned much.  For one thing, being "hidden from the eyes of men" is crucial at least in anonymity than to be noticed as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  That is, for me God had and has it so.  For now, of course and the past 15 years.

What I learned in the year of being in the hermit community was excellent in so many ways, however.  I am most grateful to the woman as well as to the persecution, criticism, wagging tongues and opinions of people in my parish and town at the time.  In a way, the trials were indispensable for what I learned and the humbling given me by it all.

Well, yesterday my adult son made contact.  I'd had to inform him the day before via email of my financial demise from various Lenten-laced, unexpected bills, fees, charges and notice of my income being dropped without my really ever knowing if being done so legitimately.  So much in life we just have to take what we are told when it comes to large entities of which we are on the dole, so to speak.  Property tax configurations, IRS demands, disability or retirement pension amounts, Medicare coverage of portions of medical costs and copay insurance determinations of how much they will pay.

Catholic hermits, being on our own financially and not at all subsidized by a diocese or Catholic otherwise, have the same temporal financial concerns as anyone else.  And, it can be a bit tougher if like lay persons who cannot have a paying job due to illness or other disability, and also when age is a factor.  And if the hermit is trying to live out the requirement of our vows to live "hidden from the eyes of men," most even in our parish would know a hermit is among them.   Otherwise, as in the other categories of consecrated religious life, people might be tempted to do favors or want to assist financially in some way.

Best not, I think, at least for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit.  Somehow it would go against what I learned of the other way, of being noticed in a habit and the risk of more pride than what any  human is at risk of increasing temptations.  Plus, strangers even would come to me to pour out even their sins, assuming that I was holy and wise beyond them. 

Outer appearances and the "uniform" such as a religious habit can not only cause others to scrutinize and pass judgment in false notions and unjust manner--outer appearances can also tempt people to assume far more positive attributes and expectations.  Consider doctors who may or may not be excellent in their diagnoses and treatments, or priests who could be as Jesus warns, wolves in sheep's clothing.  That warning applies to any of us, and especially when our outer appearances signal a position laden with authority or specific skill.

Anyway, my son decided to bail me out of my financial conundrum for he is on the mortgage and does not want me to have to sell the place "as is".  He knows well, as do I and anyone, that an unfinished dwelling requires a cash buyer or one willing to apply for a rehab mortgage at higher interest and higher down payment.  And, I'm so close to the end of this trial and ordeal in renovation despite research and trusting another Catholic, a realtor, and who she had as inspector and recommended in first contractor.

Who'd have known the place would need to be gutted?  I chose that path rather than to off-the-bat lose a large chunk of my late parents' hard-earned money.  Instead, if not finished, I would lose even more; and as my son pointed out would be even a greater responsibility to him.  

Well, I doubt that as I have from this experience learned marvelous soul lessons; and I am quite fine to rent a room and live off the low and seemingly arbitrarily lessening pension.  And I've learned this Lent by the grace of God to not allow myself discouragement and to react and respond to all with love.  This is worth any temporal gain, of course.

Yet, my son to his honor and credit did not like to think of me reduced to a rented room.  Granted, although he'd not consider this aspect, I'd lose the degree of solitude as walls can be thin, of course, and even if in a public shelter as so many who are homeless must find or else live in the streets like so many others--there is not much silence of solitude externally.

It would be quite the experience, though, and soul lesson to learn truly to develop (again, by the grace of God as Scripture reminds that "because of God we bear fruit") an inner silence of solitude.  That would be very difficult to learn, I'd think, but in God all things are possible, of course.

Anyway, as I mentioned I'd never want to tell my son this thought of why I realized I'd hoped God would not let me fail here.  It has nothing to do with losing my late parents' gift and hope for me to have a more comfortable life than the bulk of it after the accident over three decades ago and my constant physical suffering.  It has to do with the challenge of seeing something through that has been so difficult in various hardships and soul lessons, and to make something lovely for someone else out of what was deplorable and wretched even in the, perhaps we can suggest,  unrevealed aspects of the property.

None of the temporal really matters, in that if the Lord should decide to fell me physically beyond this month of incapacitating sinus and lung infection, I'd have to bail out as well unless someone could be reliably hired for a fair price to finish.  From experience (and my adult daughter has seen the lay of the situation here), when workers are paid $1200 to paint a 12x14' room, my son's loan would not go far.

This is rather rambling in thoughts, but this morning I realize how great the challenge remains ahead, and there are no assurances of success in the endeavors, the external results.  But the Lord put a fish in the net I cast yesterday, and it is rather a marvel that my son is helping me for my life and messes are truly frustrating to others, even though most recognize that I have an uncanny amount of situations that few could have sidestepped, either.  

My intentions are always sincere, prayerful, and good-hearted.  But I'm convinced all the more that especially in Lent, God utilizes this liturgical season of our mortal years to bring to us lesson opportunities in which we may learn the very soul lessons that He has (at least in my case) been trying to get me to learn for years.

Do not allow discouragement and react and respond to all situations and persons with love and acceptance.

What are others' lessons God desires to be learned?  I'm convinced each has them, and it can take us humans a long Lent or many Lents, the lengthening of days in Lent, to catch glimpses and to be open to the graces while lending our desire to learn.  Some may be quick about it.  I'm definitely a slow and late-in-life learner.

But I'm thankful to God for the opportunity to learn and for this bail out even if it does not end up as I might hope in temporal terms.  My soul will still be growing, and somehow I sense that God's point.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Faith Reminder

Just this small bit of His Living Word, spoken centuries ago through the lips of an Isaiah, can dead-ringer the truth about faith.

This from Isaiah 7:9:

Unless your faith is firm
you shall not be firm!

I will ponder these Living Words of His Real Presence while putting a second coat of finish paint on the trim boards cut yesterday, intended for two windows in the hermitage kitchen.

A spiritual friend has emailed in route for their vacation.  They are scouting an area for possible relocation.  The husband is in foul mood, perhaps due to a house he'd been following online, for sale, was sold last evening, removed from the possibilities.  The wife is quite the spiritually endowed Catholic Christian, full of faith yet struggling today under the rebuffs and retorts of the husband.

She picked up some spiritual reading materials left out for people to take, after Mass yesterday morning.  Among them something written about John of the Cross.  She figures the devil is not pleased with her taking soul-edifying books along on the trip.  Why not try to get through her, via her husband's foul temper?

I admit it seems the likely scenario.  I am firm on such matters, for the spiritual warfare runs under the surface of life as counter currents in the rivers of our eternally flowing souls.  We hit the rocks and go under with the hidden cross-currents when our faith is not firm.  Well, we can hit the rocks regardless, but if we can remain firm in faith, we see the pitfalls and know how to survive the undertows that can disrupt or even lead to our spiritual deaths.

Here, in this desert exile, the Lord seems to be saying in His Love-and-Mercy Thoughts, that this consecrated Catholic hermit is to remain for awhile, perhaps for a long while, with firm faith.  It is true that the hermit's finances are finite, yet the Lord is allowing obstacles for being able to depart.  In small ways, He provides through generosity of those who stop to take organic vegetables and berries from the roadside table.  

Yesterday someone placed a generous contribution into the clay garden pot when taking some berries and Crookneck squash, fresh-picked that morning.  It helps pay the bills but more so reminds me that people do understand the hours of effort in growing organic produce, as well as notice the old hermit nail-gunning trim around the porch ceiling or mowing, or painting trim laid out on sawhorses, or spreading mulch.  (They know not I am a hermit wearing my Order of the Present Moment habit: tee-shirt and cut-off khakis--paint-splattered.)

The Lord will provide in the firmness of our faith, and thus we become firm in His Love and Mercy.

It is not about financial solvency, for of course if the Lord allowed, a hermit could go bankrupt or lose a hermitage in foreclosure.  These are realities for contemporary consecrated Catholic hermits who are not at all subsidized by the temporal Church nor by patrons or supporters.  Some who are more publicized as hermits such as through their Diocese or Catholic publications, might have some donations flow their way.  That is fine.

Most of us Catholic hermits, privately or publicly professed, and thus by the Institutes of the Catholic Church are fully part of the Consecrated Life of the Church, have our own means of financial support.  When circumstances occur, which they can in any life situation, that requires need of additional income, hermits pray and God provides.  

When our faith is firm, then we shall be firm.

I'm yet in awe that after years of not being eligible for health insurance, within a few short weeks of being able to qualify for Medicare (based upon the earthly ex-spouse's Social Security status), health considerations erupted.  I would have been wiped out financially without the Medicare coverage!  The Lord provided so bounteously and still does, as the bills arrive with manageable amounts to be paid.  Yesterday's contribution for berries and squash pays the primary doctor's appointment.

And the pain that was so very severe in the liver area, has subsided some!  What a difference in outlook and ability to proceed with some manual labor!  Prayers of people of great faith have been answered, and this hermit is extremely grateful!

My faith is firm, and I shall be firm--and all by the grace of God alone.  Faith is His gift to us as are all things temporal and spiritual.

Now to head out to the roadside table at Te Deum Hermitage (of which thus far no one passing by would have any inkling of the name of this hermitage for what does a hermitage look like, anyway?) and rescue the berries and Red Romaine and squash from mid-day heat.  Organic produce droops easily, rapidly.  

Our faith must remain firm, though, and we shall be firm!  Deus vult!  (God wills it!)