Catholic Hermit: St. Mary of Egypt, Hermit and Penitent

While the Roman calendar lists St. Mary of Egypt as commemorated on April, 3, the Greek Church celebrates her today, April 1--what is left of "today."  The Roman Martyrology celebrates her on April 2--which is already "today" for many of you dear readers of this blog.  

St. Mary of Egypt is probably the most meaningful of the female hermits to whom I'm "attached" at this point--holy attachment I hope in God and pray!  I also consider her a mentor and guide from the other side, as for whatever reasons, there are sorrows and regrets in my existence, and I appreciate St. Mary of Egypt's penitent life history after what seems to be terrible and shameful sins she regretted and did penance. 

While I do not ascribe to dwelling on the past--the Order of the Present Moment is the "religious order" in which the Lord placed me over 24 years ago (vivid locution/vision while at Mass)--in the present moments as life progresses, the Lord, also, through the Holy Spirit and my angel, continues to show me my flaws and sins.  

Just this morning, very early morning, I realized I have not individuated out from an adult child, while I have considered that the adult child was succeeding in individuating out from me.  The Holy Spirit reminded me, yet again, to view matters from the other person's perspective, and not my own.  

I realized I had been intrusive and insulting, in a way, of concern and caring.  Became concerned for their health; not hearing, the concern grew.  I'd even offered to be the one to go out for groceries rather than they risk themselves with virus exposure, or that I'd include them in a Costco (bulk warehouse store) order if they needed.  My concerns which grew in my mind as some hours passed, were eventually met with humor, even some ridicule. 

The adult child has been on own for many years, including 9-11 crisis military intelligence stint as Arabic linguist, and then years with family of own.  The last thing they need is old-parent concern and reaching in to their capable and responsible lives!  But I reacted wrongly to their reaction of my heightened concerns--until I saw my own wrong in reaching in with over-concern when that is not what they need or desire.  

Old-parent parenting is not at all needed! Only what others really need of me are my understanding, respect, bits of temporal support (when and if asked), prayers, and love from my hermitage mode of silence, solitude, and stricter separation.  Even in this time period of the COVID-19 pandemic and the alarming increase of positive cases, the hermit's adult children are that--adults. 

Their handling of their lives and their children's lives is with far more aptitude of the outer world and its temporal risks than this old hermit who does not go out but rarely.  They have three other sets of parents/grandparents who are "with it," relevant and active, in the temporal world.  Yes, three sets (the other divorced parents all remarried) of parents/grandparents: a God to physically disabled hermit reality check!)  

Years ago I'd taken seriously and to heart and mind, my late spiritual father's admonition to me the day after my hermit profession and avowal (over 19 years past), today the Holy Spirit reminds the adult children were barely adults back then.  He advised me that charity first is in order, especially when it comes to the three children.  Back then, while out on their own for most part, they were yet to marry and be into careers, relationships, and having families and homes of their own.

So in addition to my always seeking God's will and guidance in my life, amidst my trying to be ever-available to my adult children and grandchildren, the Lord answers through the adult children's not needing my reaching in and added concerns.  The adult children prefer of me an as-needed basis of which they will be in contact when and if they have a desire or a specific need.  Otherwise, my situation and presence is actually more a concern, if not mostly a burden, to them!  This reality uncovers a type of pride, for the Lord humbles me in my nothingness!  I'm laughing now with the irony!

This old hermit's above digression is an example, though, of what might seem minor transgressions or sins, of which my reaction, though, to their reaction yesterday, was not a virtuous reaction on my part.  When  shown the others' perspective I could text an apology, expressing that I had been intrusive and insulting without meaning to, but bottom line--my concern and escalating concern was impinging and misplaced--about 20 years or more out-of-place!

My laziness and love of staying in bed is another sin of sorts.  Sloth it is; and today I had a not-oft call from someone who also is feeling stagnant with too much sitting at kitchen table in a comfortable chair, with the hours passing listening to news of the coronavirus crisis and in making calls to people to chat. So we agreed to pray for one another, as my upper respiratory infection is gone about as good as it will be, after four weeks of mostly blurry recall. 

By the grace of God and the prayers of others, I got up, dressed, and did for first-time, a drive-through to pharmacy then back to Solus Deus Hermitage. With purpose of reducing allergies, I proceeded to cut out three portions of bedroom carpet and pad, stuff it into three trash containers, and away it will go in next morning's refuse pick-up.  I had to rest (in bed!) between each removal of smallish piece of carpet and pad--that's just how de-conditioned this body.  

Yet I'm "back in the saddle" as far as offering the physical effort as praise of God and for the salvation of the world (all souls therein).  And while I'm not "doing" anything out in the world and far from the "front lines" of this war against the invisible enemy of COVID-19, I've begun again the ora et labora --pray and work.  The pain praying melds with the work-praying, and is my offering and effort along with so many others who are unable to contribute in actively relevant and heroic ways.

Compared to Mary of Egypt, my life physical, mindful, heart-full and soulful is not the arduous and austere and penitential as was hers.  It's a wonder that she would even be pleased with my looking to her for guidance and mentorship.  In faith, I continue to be fascinated by her life, all the same.  My sins while not all identical to hers in her youth, are still sinful and plenty of them, on-going.  I've backslid in the zeal I used to have as well as in austerity.  (Loving the comfort of a bed is a small part of many such temporal comforts, privileges, and securities-- health insurance and medication also a major benefit and gift!)

But I go forth in faith and hope in God that St. Mary of Egypt continue mentoring, inspiring, and chastening me in all the ways my own hermit vocation might be useful and good to God's glory and of benefit in whatever ways God wills, to others.  Given the global pandemic, the tremendous suffering of now increasingly numbers of younger people and even youth, the painful, suffocating deaths up-ticking daily, and the threat to world-wide economic calamity, as well, all the more I pray that my life, such as it is, might be a relevant and vital help at least spiritually in ways unseen and unknown.  

Ours is a most serious and dire time, greater than my nearly 69 years have witnessed.  Faith and hope in God, love of others, sacrifice, and praise of God for all the good ways in which humanity is trying to help one another in the various ways we truly can help--this is for all of us to participate no matter how small or insignificant our attempts to help.  God knows our hearts!  Mary of Egypt would seem to most people, not to have made much contribution in her lifetime.  Yet God knew her then and now.  His will is fulfilled in many ways.

"At the tender age of twelve, Mary left her father's house that she might sin without restraint, and for seventeen years she lived in shame at Alexandria. Then she accompanied a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, and entangled many in grievous sin.

"She was in that city on the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, and went with the crowd to the church which contained the precious wood.  The rest entered and adored; but Mary was invisibly held back.  In that instant her misery and pollution burst upon her.  Turning to the Immaculate Mother, whose picture faced her in the porch, she vowed thenceforth to do penance if she might if she might enter and stand like Magdalen beside the Cross.  Then she entered in.  As she knelt before Our Lady on leaving the church, a voice came to her which said, 'Pass over Jordan, and thou shalt find rest.'

"She went into the wilderness, and there, in 420, forty-seven years after, the Abbot Zosimus met her.  She told him that for seventeen years the old songs and scenes had haunted her; ever since, she had had perfect peace.  At her request he brought her on Holy Thursday the sacred body of Christ [in form of Holy Communion].

"She bade him return again after a year, and this time he found her corpse upon the sand, with an inscription saying, 'Bury here the body of Mary the sinner.'

"The Bollandists [17th c. association of scholars, historians, etc. who studied hagiography of saints] place her death on April 1, 421...."  

St. Mary of Egypt:  344-421

Catholic Hermit: Met Another Hermit, and More

In a commentary reading of yesterday's Mass scriptures, I found another hermit to inspire and consider in my own (and I emphasize imperfect) life even if 800 years later.

St. Felix of Valois (1127-1212) is a newcomer for me to get to know, out of the thousands of Christian hermits.  The numbers increase over the centuries.  I will cite what I found written of him in brief biography.

"St. Felix was son of the Count of Valois.  His mother throughout his youth did all she could to cultivate in him a spirit of charity.  The unjust divorce between his parents matured a long-formed resolution of leaving the world; and, confiding his mother to her pious brother, Thibault, Count of Champagne, he took the Cistercian habit at Clairvaux.

"His rare virtues drew on him such admiration that, with St. Bernard's consent, he fled to Italy, where he led an austere life with an aged hermit.  At this time he was ordained priest, and his old counsellor having died, he returned to France, and for many years lived as a solitary at Cerfroid.  Here God inspired him with the desire of founding an Order for the redemption of Christian captives...."  

The brief sketch goes on to cite his return to the world to form with a St. John of Matha, at the time a youth, who was inspired as well and together formed and drew up the rules of the Order of the Holy Trinity.  The last fifteen years of St. Felix's life was spent working on the development of the rapidly growing religious foundation/order.

While my day thus far has been spent in morning meditation and in pain, of course, having a deeper experience in stilling my mind more, which is a needful effort...I have not had time yet to research Felix of Valois to see about any writings he may have left or more information on his actual hermit years.  But his life reminds us that the hermit vocation is not necessarily for the rest of one's life.  It just depends--depends on God's will for the hermit, the purpose He has of calling the person to hermit vocation, and then other purposes God wills for the person, such as St. Felix being inspired to found a religious order.

On another note, while being quieted this morning, resting on the icy pad, I had quite the experience--interior and painfully direct--having more to do with recognizing my imperfections and capacity for sins.  I trust Mary of Egypt and the Holy Spirit and my angel are digging in to what is needed, as other thoughts came, as well.  I recalled more of my flaws, and I reflected upon them with remorse, yet with clear-headedness that surprised me.  

The bulk of the penitence still, is sensed in the heart, the interior heart, the spiritual heart.  It was more a sense than thoughts in the mind. And it was a defined and all-encompassing sense, a remorse and penitential reality.  Otherwise, I also had an insight of how there are two ways of viewing matters, of course, and thoughts of the long time friend and husband, a relative; there is another side, another perspective as always when two persons, and much hurtfulness all in all, suffering, and sadness.

And none of it is for me, not my business, which is part of my flawed self.  I need solitary confinement, of sorts.  I need it for progression and to fulfill God's will for me and in the hermit vocation in which He called me and of which I am living out--not all that admirably, but striving all the same.  This most-deep recognition of my sinfulness is a welcome balm, for I need the self-recognition and admittance, the acceptance, of my vices, sins, and definitely the consequences but also the faith in God's forgiveness.  I'm in the "Go" part of "Go and sin no more."  

Got up despite wanting to cancel the pain doctor appointment due to much physical pain!  I was thrilled that the Lyft vehicles each way, coming and going, were small economy, low-to-ground and most painful rides from the effort of getting in and out to the added pain effect on the fused spine area. I was as thrilled as with the miraculous rides last week in which I was treated with comfortable, up-high and excellent shock absorber vehicles.  All are gifts--the painful and the less painful.

Today's first driver and I kept to temporal discussion mostly.  The second driver, Abdullah from Sudan, and I had deeper discussion.  I was more able to give alms per the blog post I did last night on gifting in spiritual doctrine.  It was not directly that--not in terminology--but in the Holy Spirit and of sharing, and of positive discussion of gratitude and how God blesses us.  What a hard-working young man, and his tip and review reflects my thankfulness.  (And the first driver also, am grateful and expressed that with tip and review, as well.  It's what I can "do" that is almsgiving at this time.)

The pain doctor got into the Catholicism issues, saying Thomas Aquianas writes that we continue to work at progressing to God.  The pain doctor sent to my phone a talk by a Dr. Joel Beeke on the wrong of Catholic view of assurance of salvation compared to, when I researched Beeke and found a written article by him on the topic, I suppose the Puritan view.  In discussion with me, the pain doctor said what Catholics believe, and I had to say that I've never been taught that as a Catholic, but then I've only been a Catholic 24 years.  

Something in the article by Beeke has turned me off, and that is as follows:

"The Roman Catholic Church said a Christian cannot have assurance without first having a direct extraordinary revelation from God."

The doctor also said I pray to saints.  I said, "No, I ask people to pray for me, and that includes people on earth and my late parents and holy ones and others on the other side, in heaven."  (I did not mention those in process to heaven, as why get myself into more difficulties with someone who has  a disagreement with Catholicism based on what non-Catholics who also disagree, write and speak?)  In I added to my response regarding the worn-out but usual talking point that we pray to saints, I mentioned when we die, we will still be praying for people and situations and praising God.  I think he agreed with that.  But I guess Catholics will forever be plagued by the untruth that we "pray to saints."

In all this, I'm dealing with the reality and in-coming reminders of details of my sinfulness.  The Holy Spirit is having me process my sins and of course, face the reality that such as me requires the hermit cell, the solitary confinement to learn to know myself, all of myself, and that very much includes my propensity to do harm even if not intending.  

I am starting to grasp that something about me, in me, gets overly wrought up in situations that are not my business, but I feel matters intensely, and even in the most recent horrible mess-up and hurtfulness to others, I am a repeat offender.  I have a terribly hard time of it in such situations, and while a great soul would develop discipline and ignore and not involve themselves prudently and with wise discretion, I do not.  

The passing encounters are best for me, such as would be with one in solitary confinement, or under house arrest, or in protective custody would have passing encounters with a cell guard or attorney, or as today, the doctor.  And who knows how long until I am in awful situation with a doctor appointment,  when he questions me yet more seems to want to convince me of what is not what Catholics believe.  Particularly he is convinced on the assurance of salvation point.  He mentioned things he said Thomas Aquinas wrote of which I as yet have not found the citations, and I tend not to trust in non-primary source research.

It all boils down to distractions for me, and then I get off into territory far from my hermit vocation, and in which I get myself into trouble, and from there into my flaws and flubs and what is not my business.

I did try to divert discussion with mention of the man's miraculous healing or such, of the gift of being able to transcend physical pain and be back at work, tending his 10-acres and over 100 animals, and active with family.  I mentioned it was through following his breath for hours that the man thought the transcendence was given, and the doctor surprised me in appreciating that following the breath can help focus the mind.  Yes, but I was surprised that the doctor (Calvinist, Puritan influence) did not oppose, as I prefer that of focus on Christ.

And I tried to divert by mention of grasping my capacity to sin,  and of God's forgiveness, but of my understanding my mortal self, how humbling, and of seeking on-going forgiveness as I recognize my wrongs and place myself before Christ in repentance. That only produced from my seeking doctor, a statement that I am like Martin Luther, who felt that way after years of being indoctrinated or such, by the Catholic Church's teachings.  Lord, save me.  Have mercy on me; yet I deserve all I have coming to me.  Am I not to embrace the crosses that come?  I ask that I might be with You, Lord, in paradise, like the penitent criminal on the cross beside You.

So here is an example from my life, from a simple morning and doctor appointment.  I must drop this distraction, and not do other than stay in my cell here, continue focusing on Christ and this aspect of my wrong-doings of which I'm forgiven but must deal with consequences and learn in this portion of "sin no more."  Of course I will sin, but I need to learn far better and live virtuously, as a means to not step into the same sins and cause the same hurts to various people, over and over.  

Plus, my shelf-life on this earth is running out, and protective custody is also a gift, for a wayward soul such as mine.  I don't deserve God's forgiveness, but he forgives us when we ask; and I am accepting it.  And I am grateful for my vocation for I see God's wisdom in it.  Thankfully, I don't have to go anywhere for another week.  And I will go for walk and shake off the distraction at the doctor's office, as I won't have to deal with more for seven weeks in which I will pray and ask those on the other side to pray for me.  

Yes, I'll ask Thomas Aquinas to pray for me and befriend me.  Let him pray for and explain to the doctor the truth of what he wrote; let the Holy Spirit put the doctor to peace and contentment with his path.  I don't want to be involved; the doctor is convinced of what he thinks Catholics believe.  This has been off and on for a year now.  I already told the doctor this morning in another attempt to divert, but in truth, that I'm experiencing a deep reality of my sinfulness and also the power of forgiveness, but of recognizing my on-going capacity to sin and how humbling it is. 

Mercy, Lord.  God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let my mind return to the peace of conversation with Abdullah from northern Sudan.  In unison with the blessings of God more than a sinful nothing Catholic Christian hermit and a devout Presbyterian Christian doctor.

And here I am, writing yet again about my spiritual journey, my daily life experiences as myself, really the case study, and yet how the interactions evolve with the persons involved.  I must return to cell mode, and finish reading the section I'm on in St. Francis de Sales' small book of guidance, of spiritual direction for daily life formation.

St. Felix of Valois, pray for me!  Jesus, sustain me and keep forgiving me sin by sin, vice by vice.  Holy Spirit and God the Father, keep me in protective custody!  Virgin Mary, bless my hermit life with graces from your Son.  St. Mary of Egypt, keep teaching me the penitent hermit path.

Catholic Hermit: Almsgiving; St. Mary of Egypt

As those for whom I've asked prayers (mostly saints, mystics, Holy Spirit, angel, those on other side), their prayers are being answered in the grace I've needed to buckle down more in the spiritual life, in the seeking Christ and love of God in Himself, and His love flowing in my imperfect love of others.

Today, in rekindling memory of St. Mary of Egypt, early century, Egyptian desert amma and hermit, patroness of penitents, I asked Mary of Egypt to befriend and mentor me.  She was quite austere; the only similarities in externals are that I do not get my hair cut but rarely.  The sitting to drive, the sitting in a chair for the hair cut, and the added cost and hassle, is my reason, actually.  Plus, long hair can easily be pulled back out of the way; it is simple and can go without hair cuts indefinitely.

I anticipate that there will be actual, further formation of my hermit life in whatever details, but the important aspect is that this alliance is bound to be promising in interior, spiritual ways.  This will be positive; this will be helpful; this will be interesting.

As I was thinking of my comforts and thankfully, finally having some financial stability if I remain fiscally prudent, I realized I used to give away and donate far more and more to parish and church organizations as recipients of my almsgiving.  So I appreciated reading these comments within a sermon on love for the poor, written by St. Gregory Nazianzen, Bishop and Doctor of the Church, 4th century.

"God lavishes spiritual benefits on us if we are willing to receive them:  don't delay to come to the help of those in need.  Give especially to whoever asks you and even before he asks, making an unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine...."

This view of almsgiving is not one I'd considered--to make an unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine.  For in this phase of my life, age-wise and health-wise, I have to be careful financially as Catholic hermits are self-supporting, and that reality hits home all the more during the unknowns of what degree of mobility and pain I will have when the spine surgery recovery year is complete. 

Thankful to have health insurance now, having reached the age in which I can pay for Medicare and a supplemental insurance--as otherwise a physical mishap would wipe out my finances--I must be careful with low monthly income and not dip into savings, for long term health care or even assisted living facilities are quite costly per month.

I've found my monetary charity as of late, has followed along with the aphorism:  Charity begins at home.  I've needed help and have paid for the help.  I've had neighbors do very kindly deeds that were beyond what in time, effort, and expertise could be called minor.  So I gift them monetarily or in essence in gift cards.  Charity includes justice; now and then one will absolutely refuse, but I am not in a position to be able to help them physically in return.

So other than the item donations of which there was an abundance prior to my relocating, such as to thrift stores, the parish rummage sale, and St. Vincent de Paul, my almsgiving in tangibles will be when I can manage to load the truck and drive some clothing and other items I do not need and have unpacked to be able to sort to rid out.

Thus, I'm grateful for this point, which is most helpful to hermits who in our time period must think responsibly and also in charity to relatives or friends who might otherwise be put upon or feel required to provide for us in our last months or years--and who may not be able to well afford that themselves.  If a hermit becomes ill and near life's end, whatever is not going to be needed for health care and a nursing facility, can then be given to the poor.

I realize this is not in the faith or spirit of which I lived in years past, when I lived on my low monthly disability and gifted monetarily all that was left over each month.  And yes, God did provide; I made it through, but by other assistance such as inheritance.  And I learned how fluctuating can be the economy, and that costs rise when my disability is scant increase.  My medical insurance which I must pay out of pocket each month, as I did not have enough Social Security points so that I did not have to pay fully, quarterly--the insurances are a fourth of my monthly income before taxes.

I'd be penniless without the insurance with this spine surgery alone!  So the inheritance regained after the previous debacle when I was naive and vamboozled in buying a house for my hermitage which needed far more than the inspector stated, and all went into what is termed "a money pit" house--the inheritance was regained by the grace of God giving me divine assistance and through kindness of others.  That is invested in part in this hermitage of which I had the blessing to be able to learn from my ignorance and know what's what when it comes to home inspections.

Thus I will continue with my almsgiving in gifting those whom I presume upon to help me in this time of physical dependency, and will tip the costly Lyft rides that I need for doctor appointments since I cannot drive yet myself, and will make unstinting almsgiving of prayer and whatever spiritual uplift and charity to others, living and dead.

For that, I need to up the ante on my own spiritual life and prayer life, so that what I am gifting is good, not cheap, not tainted by my imperfection, my sins.  My almsgiving of spiritual doctrine must be sound in Scripture and the Church, in solid Christian theology, and in wise discernment of spiritual insights of the Holy Spirit.  It must come from my penitence, as well, from genuine humility and knowing of myself, as I am:  nothing to God's ALL.

And in the meantime, I have few needs for myself, as I have plenty and all that I require for warmth, food, medication, and so much comfort.  In that, I am blessed.  And I am well aware that I could have terrible spinal damage and be born in a third world country, living in a hut without running water, and also, long-since dead as I'd not have had the luxury of back surgery years ago.  

So I also then, give monetary donations when specific needs arise of which God makes me aware.  And in my gifting those who spend time and effort (and their gas costs them in running errands for me), if they fuss about accepting the monetary gift, I tell them to please take it as they then can donate it to a charitable cause or someone they know in need.  That works.

And if and when my body heals and strength is regained, and I am able to manage the pain to a point that I can physically help others, that I will offer, as well, in the hidden way of the consecrated Catholic hermit, in quiet ways of which I hope in God that in a year or less I might be able to write about the little physical works of charity a hermit can gift to others while yet in stricter separation from the world, in the silence of solitude (or nearly so), and hidden from the eyes of men, or most!

Perhaps, too, there will come to me an assurance of faith to give all my possessions to the poor as St. Anthony of the Desert felt called to do; but I've written of this before of the reality I had to face of being a hermit in this time period, in this particular country, with my given physical health problems and age.  However, I certainly read in St. Teresa of Avila's letters of her illnesses and then borrowing a saddle to ride a horse to the next of her foundations!  

In the meantime, I give myself to the Holy Spirit, to the Gospel and teachings of Jesus my Lord, to the tutelage of the Virgin Mary and my angel, to the direction and writings of the Christian saints and mystics,  and of holy hermits such as Mary of Egypt, in progressing in the spiritual journey, the spiritual life, so as to have something of worth to offer in making unstinting alms of spiritual doctrine and prayer.

God bless His Real Presence in us!