Catholic Hermit: Trying to Keep Evil from Pain

I must remind myself this morning that "pain is not the enemy." (This was an insight or a form of deeply interior locution given a few days ago. Of course!  God knew I'd be needing it soon enough!)  I also remind myself of the major vision and locution over 20 years ago when praying alone in a parish church, on the floor where have always been most comfortable, up near the steps to the altar.

I won't repeat extra details, but the Virgin Mary and Jesus came from altar and Tabernacle respectively, in form of whitish, cloud-spheres.  They hovered before melding into one, up above where I knelt.  Mary said succinctly:  You will find Him in your pain.

There are some reasons why the post-op spinal pain is starting to get to me.  I'm heading into four weeks since the surgery.  I had lowered the pain meds 50% only to have to increase the other day, 25%.  I was told I need to manage the added pain from the effort of getting up, off the bed, up to 8 times a day and when up strive to walk and do the minimal 4 leg exercises as many times in the 8 times up as possible.  I am to aim for being up between 5 and 10 minutes, with 10 minutes being the goal over time.

Yesterday I got up 7 times.  Out of those times, I think 5 times I did the leg exercises and 2 of the times maybe one of the leg exercises.  I also was not able to fall asleep until around 2 a.m., but my last pain med time was 11 p.m.  So the body went for 9 hours between pain meds.  In itself, that is a reason for the excess pain this morning.  The increasing effort of just minor exercises can do it, also.

I had no realistic idea of how lengthy and slow a recovery, prior to surgery.  Perhaps that is as well!  But there are other factors in why pain can start to get to a person, and the slowness of recovery adds to it.

I'm not one to dwell on the devil, but the devil is a reality.  Any time we are in some type of reduced condition--bodily, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--the devil will try to move right in on us and make matters immediately worse.  One way is by working in our memories and area of images/imagination.

For the second weekend in a row plus some other times of texting, I called and texted the eldest, adult child.  I hoped there would be an answer--phone picked up or text response.  That simply is not happening.  I left messages asking what they are doing and that I'd love to hear from them, to get caught up as granddaughters have returned to school.  (I looked online to find out when.)  I asked for email of one in family as was his birthday a week ago.  Since no response then, I sent a gift card via the daughter's email and assume he got it.

There are reasons for the non-responses.  I have over time come to understand these reasons, odd as it might seem to others, or how it can bring about a sense of judgment of how terrible it is to not receive a response.  But I must not allow myself to get into what the devil would love to stir in me, difficult as it is especially when the pain is high.  There is no positive result in over-thinking matters; but also there is no positive result to over-try to make contact.  I must simply trust in God all the more and pray that they are doing well, praise that they are very busy, and to pray that God will handle and heal and uplift them in whatever ways needed.

Another aspect is that I have learned to give people "passes" for I must always consider what God wills of me when situations are not as I would have them or want.  Why does God allow such doors to not open when I knock or try to open, to push?  Even if I cannot figure out why, I know I must pray for all good, to trust that at some point I will hear from others, and in the meantime accept as God's way of teaching and testing.  To Whom do I belong?  To Whom shall I go, always?  For Whom shall I pray and with what steadiness of love and holy enthusiasm?  I must always get "myself" out of the way and keep thoughts of the past and any wonderment of if I've somehow offended or done something without realizing it, that upset the persons.

So such as these niggling situations in what I will and want do not happen, there are other aspects that hinder keeping pain at bay (and again, pain of all types, not just physical).  Last night I watched a film that is considered "iconic" of the early 1980's but did not come into this status until later.  I watched it after earlier watching a faith-based film.  Since I was having trouble sleeping, I watched the second film in attempt to distract and hopefully fall asleep.  But the film did not lift up.  Yes, I know it is a form of reality of our world and souls as they can be, and even worse in actual life, but such reality is not the most prudent to take on when dealing with higher pain to begin with.

Even so, it is a means to learn to detach from the awfulness of sin in our midst, of sin that tempts us, or the reason, also, why sin can develop based upon the upbringing of children by those who mean well but who somehow missed the mark in nurturing others, or of sin of the fathers, so to speak, affects the children.  Plus, there is the aspect of struggles within various personalities and situations in which other people have to struggle through in their own lives.

Learn to detach from the horror of sin but not to ignore it.  Prayer, again, is the antidote.  Just keep praying.  Trust and faith are crucial in praying.  Trust and faith are crucial in combatting the effects of pain that cause us to stumble, that cause us to think of and react to pain as if it is the enemy instead of it being an opportunity.

This morning I read this selection, 2797, in the Catechism.  I've been reading selections, these past couple of weeks (even though the surgery recovery hinders memory of what I've read) regarding the Lord's Prayer or the "Our Father."

"Simple and faithful trust, humble and joyous assurance, are the proper dispositions for one who prays the Our Father."

How can one have the proper dispositions to pray the Lord's Prayer or any prayer, when our own pain is a threat to simplicity, faith, trust, humility, joy, assurance?  I suppose we must face some realities.  One is to maximize the management of those aspects of pain that the devil so cunningly infiltrates.  Take the medications that can help the mind and emotions cope with too much pain.  Put into our minds and hearts that which will lift up.  If we imbibe in doses of temporal reality, then know there will be added challenges for the mind and emotions, to the spirit.  That is all right--as long as we are prepared for these challenges and utilize some antidotes.

Pain is humbling, so tick that off as a gift given from the Lord.  Pain also reduces us to a simplicity of body and heart/emotions.  Yet pain can complicate the mind by means of memory and images/imagination.  As long as we are aware of this complication, we can then combat the consequences by forcing ourselves to stay in the present moment and to counter situations that can take us back, by pouring on more love and understanding of whatever situations arise.

To have joyous assurance--well, when in pain and attempting to pray--we must remind ourselves that joy is not just a feeling of being happy or content.  Joy is connected to assurance in Christ.  Joy is also very much connected to pain in that we know with assurance how Jesus won our eternal salvation--through the immense suffering and pain and death He accepted and endured for the sake of our souls.  Joy has to do with fulfilling a holy mission, with exploring and accepting a spiritual purpose.

I also am convinced that even if we don't think or feel we have the proper disposition to pray the "Our Father," we should pray it anyway.  The more earthy aspects of praying when in pain can help, not hinder, for our angel, Mary, the saints who have gone before us, friends and strangers on the other side--all will aid us and even pray with us, just as the entire Body of Christ is with us when we pray the Lord's Prayer.  At any moment all over the world and in heaven, someone is praying the Lord's Prayer, saying "Our Father" with us.  It is another way i which we are never really alone.

When we realize again, that pain is not the enemy and that we will find Jesus in the pain, our disposition becomes that of simple, humble, faithful trust, joyous in assurance that our communication with God is acceptable and accepted.  Any attempts of the devil to try to use pain as the enemy in order to suck us down into discouragement or despair is thwarted in the prayer above all prayers, the one Jesus taught--His prayer, the Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.  Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Just typing this prayer, word by word, has given me renewed strength.  My mind and heart and spirit ceased being toyed with by the evil that can try to obscure the beauty and power of Jesus in the pain.  I now have the proper disposition if somehow I did not have it before I wrote-prayed this prayer.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Mark Knopfler,Chet Atkins,The Everly Brothers-Why Worry

On this day of Pentecost, have been asking the Holy Spirit to give the graces necessary to endure with faith.  This includes in very practical ways, such as managing the additional pain in the upper back and right shoulder muscles, and trying to keep working to whatever degree in making progress on the hermitage.  Somehow, this challenge is huge--and the praying imbeds in the efforts of body and mind, in attitude and spirit.

This song has been singing within while out in the back garden and orchard area, doing what little can be done using the right arm gingerly and with numerous ice pack breaks.  The mind has been worrying.  Is this what God wills and desires of this hermit?  The concerns arise, for it can be a battle of attitude and mind to make the body get up and begin whatever work project it can do.  The finances are a concern.  Raphael's not returning calls of which messages are left, asking if he will come and finish siding and porch, and help hang drywall.  

When the pain increases, the concerns rise, as well.  Should the hermit try to bail out now?  A relative and friend emailed, mentioning this, and expressing their thoughts that the body is trying to tell the hermit something, and that one needs to accept aging process.  Yet neither have seen the progress, nor do they realize the dire financial situation.  But also, they each have spouses and health and income and retirement pensions and savings, and houses paid for, and livable conditions.

Then the hermit considered they do not realize what it is like to have been rooked by some people in the purchase process, and that there really was no way out that is prudent, other than to try to work one's way out.  Fr. Vincent emailed conviction that the various concerns are going to pass, and that the main consideration is to persevere in faith, no matter what.

Yes, the hermit will try.  It did get up, got dressed, tried to stretch the upper back, used ice, headed out, and started to use the shovel and pruners, and the watering hose.  The efforts were modest; but they were efforts.  The hermit prayed the Lord's prayer, some Hail Mary's, the Glory Be while watering.  The hermit put its head down, and simply and sincerely asked Jesus to help to discern God's will.

And music of the song played in the head, and the words came to mind, and the Holy Spirit sang the beautiful tune, played the lovely instruments, offered the words to His beloved child. And the hermit child responded, "Thy will be done."  If the body goes completely, then that will be that.  But to wonder if every set back (crows have been plucking out the snow pea and cantaloupe seedlings and some other pest eating the strawberries, and rain not in the forecast!) is God saying time to give up, or the devil trying to create upset and worry--no.  Stop the back-and-forth.  

Why worry?  The Holy Spirit is here, now, within, a gift ever present.  The situation will unfold as God wills, by and by.  Why worry now?

Affirmation on Frequent Prayer

This morning Office of Readings in the Divine Office (Monday of Week One), contains an excerpt from a letter to Proba, by Augustine.  Personally, it seemed a good affirmation from His Real Presence upon this hermit's returning to praying the seven "hours" of the Divine Office, breaking off other tasks in the day and utilizing the time in the night when awakened due to pain.

While not advocating set, formulaic, verbal or mental prayers for the sake of daily routine or sense of accomplishing some imposed standard for the eremitic prayer life, for this hermit, praying the Divine Office in segments is a discipline that had lapsed, and that happened to be a good effort.  

This is not meant to replace the affective prayers--those prayers of loving affection offered to His Real Presence, spontaneously and from deep within the heart.  Nor is it a substitute for meditative and contemplative prayer, should contemplation be graced by God upon the soul.  However, the Divine Office may lead the soul into meditation, and also unfold into contemplation.  A hermit has all the time God has given to be in His Real Presence; temporal tasks ought be secondary.

What impresses this hermit today, is Augustine's suggestion of praying at set hours with the purpose of turning our thoughts away from the efforts in the temporal, daily tasks and thoughts, and turning them to our heart's desire, which is His Real Presence:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  

There are additional, fine considerations in what Augustine writes to Proba.  Further in the letter (not represented below) is the reminder that the Lord's prayer contains all that is necessary in praying, if prayed from the heart and with full attention, desire, and love.  

However, as to this Catholic hermit's return to praying the Divine Office (which includes the Lord's Prayer) at various times in day and night, there is the added impetus that one is uniting in the same praises and supplications with all those who pray the Divine Office, world-wide.  This is one way in which a consecrated religious solitary is deeply connected with others of the Body of Christ not only in the present moment but also those who prayed and will pray the Office, past and future. 

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One might ask, as this hermit did:  Who is Proba?  From an internet site, Augnet.org, the following information helps explain.

"This is probably the letter of Augustine that is known the most.

"The letter Augustine wrote to Proba is called Letter 130. It was written in the year 412, by which time he had been a bishop for about seventeen years.

"Anicia Faltonia Proba was the widow of the wealthiest man in the Roman Empire.

"Three of her sons held the consulship. After Alaric led a Gothic army into Rome in 410 and pillaged the city, Proba, with a considerable retinue of widows and younger women, took refuge in Africa and established a community of religious women in Carthage.

"Among her group were her daughter Juliana and her grand-niece Demetrias. (Two years later in 414, Augustine wrote On the good of widowhood to Juliana.)

"Proba asked Augustine how she ought to pray, and in his response he advised her on the kind of person she ought to be, and what she ought to pray for.

"Author Peter Brown states that these ladies, affected by the teachings of Pelagius, elicited Augustine's most mature and sympathetic statements about his ideal for Christian life. Unlike Pelagius, Augustine could find room for a spectrum of human failings. In his own life and in that of others, he sought and encouraged blessedness, in spite of human failings.

"This Letter 130 by Augustine to Proba is a short instruction on Christian private prayer. The letter has two parts. Augustine first explains the interior condition desirable for praying (Chapters 1-3), and then (Chapters 4-13) explains the purpose of private prayer.

"The purpose of prayer is to attain a blessed life. He suggests that the use of words be kept brief and fervent, and be supported by a life of good works. The words are needed only to help us keep in mind what a person is requesting, and are not necessary to remind or persuade God regarding the request being made.

"Augustine proclaims that the Lord’s Prayer contains all the praise and petition that prayer requires. A person is free to express the same sentiments in other words if desired, but not to ask for anything that is either contrary to or beyond the scope of the Lord’s Prayer."

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Now for a selection from Augustine's letter to Proba:

Let us turn our mind to the task of prayer at appointed hours

"Let us always desire the happy life from the Lord God and always pray for it. But for this very reason we turn our mind to the task of prayer at appointed hours, since that desire grows lukewarm, so to speak, from our involvement in other concerns and occupations. We remind ourselves through the words of prayer to focus our attention on the object of our desire; otherwise, the desire that began to grow lukewarm may grow chill altogether and may be totally extinguished unless it is repeatedly stirred into flame.

"Therefore, when the Apostle says: Let your petitions become known before God, this should not be taken in the sense that they are in fact becoming known to God who certainly knew them even before they were made, but that they are becoming known to us before God through submission and not before men through boasting.

"Since this is the case, it is not wrong or useless to pray even for a long time when there is the opportunity. I mean when it does not keep us from performing the other good and necessary actions we are obliged to do. But even in these actions, as I have said, we must always pray with that desire. 

"To pray for a longer time is not the same as to pray by multiplying words, as some people suppose. Lengthy talk is one thing, a prayerful disposition which lasts a long time is another. For it is even written in reference to the Lord himself that he spent the night in prayer and that he prayed at great length. Was he not giving us an example by this? In time, he prays when it is appropriate; and in eternity, he hears our prayers with the Father.

"The monks in Egypt are said to offer frequent prayers, but these are very short and hurled like swift javelins. Otherwise their watchful attention, a very necessary quality for anyone at prayer, could be dulled and could disappear through protracted delays. They also clearly demonstrate through this practice that a person must not quickly divert such attention if it lasts, just as one must not allow it to be blunted if it cannot last.

"Excessive talking should be kept out of prayer but that does not mean that one should not spend much time in prayer so long as fervent attitude continues to accompany his prayer. To talk at length in prayer is to perform a necessary action with an excess of words. To spend much time in prayer is to knock with a persistent and holy fervor at the door of the one whom we beseech. This task is generally accomplished more through sighs than words, more through weeping than speech. He places our tears in his sight, and our sighs are not hidden from him, for he has established all things through his Word and does not seek human words."

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God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for God Is Love!  Remain in His Love! 

Hermit's Personal Thoughts on Forgiveness

Yesterday, while mudding some drywall with a very painful shoulder, thoughts turned (as they should) to Jesus.  It was helpful having prayed the prayer that Jesus had inspired through whichever--Bernard of Clairvaux, Mechtilde of Magdburg or Gertrude the Great. 

The added pain and the memory of how the injury occurred as well as the two shoulder surgeries, then brought to mind that healing also requires the grace of forgiveness. 

 

I need to forgive, also, the first surgeon who repaired the rotator cuff.  But the pain in my shoulder continued after that surgery, and his nurse was not at all sympathetic.  She said she had the surgery and was fine after a few weeks.  During the winter my activity level was less, yet it still hurt.  I returned to the surgeon a couple of times, to be prescribed some prednisone to help reduce inflammation.  (I was already on high dose of anti-inflammatory medication to help the back pain.) 

By summer, when gardening and having helped a daughter paint some rooms in her house, the shoulder was excruciating.  The surgeon gave an injection.  The shoulder was still horrible.  He then became unkind and mocking, and said there was nothing wrong, that it was just in my head, and I'd never need another surgery and there was nothing more he could do.  I wept in his office which made him all the more determined there was nothing wrong, that I was a malingerer.

I need to forgive that surgeon and his nurse.  I went to a chiropractor for any hope of relief, and he insisted I get another MRI from elsewhere.  The shoulder, along with my constant back pain, had me so depleted that I did not want to remain in my body.   The chiropractor knew this was not like me, so he sent the MRI to a different surgeon with whom he had played on a softball league.  Amazing the connections and goodness of some people! 

The MRI was compared with the one from the first surgeon, and sure enough, the first surgeon and radiologist with his group had missed a huge Superior Labrum Anterior Posterior tear!  (I had even asked the first surgeon if there surely was something torn, for it felt as if I had a tear around the outer part of my shoulder.)

Another surgery was necessary, this time with the surgeon of a different group, the one the chiropractor recommended.  I had no insurance then and had not for years due to losing my career and the major back surgeries, so both surgeries and physical therapy drained more of my late parents' gift money.  And while the situation was an obvious malpractice by the first surgeon, I had no success finding a lawyer to to try recover any of those costs.  Bad luck some might say, or as I consider all in my life: God chooses all for me; His will be done.

Yes, thoughts of forgiveness came to the fore as I mudded the drywall.  I had asked for prayers from anyone out there who might read my blog, as the memories of how I injured the shoulder came back with the recent shoulder flare-up.  I managed to mud by holding the blade a certain way and making certain swipes--not otherwise that caused increased pain.  Still, in the night I awoke with stabbing pains going into my right hand from the shoulder.

All these memories, including of my late spiritual director, a Bishop, and the first surgeon, helped me realize residual upset triggered by the shoulder pain.  Then His Real Presence brought to mind the African woman whose family was killed as she hid in a closet, and how she was able to forgive those who murdered them.  

Into the mind came a marvelous priest, now deceased, who had heard my confession years ago and counseled me on another incident requiring forgiveness.

He told me that technically, it is not us who "forgive".  He said that forgiveness is a grace, and God is Who forgives.  He forgives through us, with us, in us.  So it is for us to ask God for the grace to forgive others, forgive situations.  And when we are given the grace, it is God Who is actually forgiving us or others.

While mudding, also came into the thoughts were Teresa of Avila's sharing her thoughts about the Lord's Prayer.  She expressed in Way of Perfection in much meditative detail the various components of the prayer Jesus taught us to pray--as the verbal prayer that has fullness of all necessary prayer, in it.  "Forgive us our trespasses [our debts] as we forgive those who trespass [our debtors] against us."
Teresa's insights include that most necessary aspect of forgiveness in this prayer:  that we need forgiveness first.  

We need to ask God to forgive us (as God Is Who forgives) before we can begin to have the proper state of mind, heart and soul for forgiving others.  It is the same insight that Jesus made when He pointed out that we need to remove the beam from our own eye before we see a splinter in other people's eyes.

The more I ponder my own faults in the two major bugaboos surrounding my shoulder surgeries and the reasons for them, the more I could grasp that I need God to forgive me for any and all faults regardless of relationship to those people involved in the painful circumstances.  

My mind, heart and soul need healing (as well as the shoulder if God wills), and my soul needs to be cleared of any sins connected.  Then, like the cracks between wall board pieces, God can fill in with the white mud, feather it out, and even sand it lightly to loveliness.  Once painted with white primer, it will seem as if never were there divisions in the drywall pieces, never were there screws drilled in, never were there surface blemishes.

It is by God's grace I can be forgiven:  His Real Presence.  I suspect He was feeling quite cramped and uncomfortable in the abode He has made in my body, mind, heart and soul.  I beg forgiveness for all my sins, for all my failings, and for having harbored upsetting feelings related to the whole shoulder injury and those persons negatively impacting. 

I pray forgiveness for the bishop spiritual director, the current bishop, the pastor, the surgeon, his nurse, and parishioners who lacked concern when I needed some practical help.  SLAP tear surgery is horrifically painful with lengthy recovery!

Once forgiven, there is space within my soul for the graces necessary for God to forgive others--His Real Presence through, with and in me and me in Him.  Only in these two aspects of forgiveness, is there healing and freedom to love fully once more.  

And a third aspect is to then have the space within to remember those persons, touched by God, who were marvelously loving and kind:  the chiropractor, some friends, family members, the second surgeon, and many on of earth and the other side who prayed me through such pain.  Praise God Almighty!  Let me not neglect the goodness He provides, always!

Oh, Lord, please cleanse my body, mind, heart and spirit.  Forgive me; then forgive them, for they did not know what they were doing.  Thus, through the power of forgiveness, deliver me from the evils of past, oppressive memories and hurt.  Thank You, Lord, for forgiving me and any others, our iniquities.  Cleanse our souls of iniquities and fill us with Your loving grace.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!