Catholic Hermit: Exercising Gifts

It's been a week or so since writing--writing a blog post, that is!  Have been catching up on some correspondence and writing in another venue.  But mainly, this very tired out, nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has been working hard, exercising gifts that God has given.

Today's first reading from Romans 12 expresses a broad variety of gifts which we mortals are given in varying measure and forms.  What seems crucial despite variety and amounts, is that we utilize the gifts God gives us.  This simple statement reminds us.

Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us,
let us exercise them....

There was an urgent need in the family, and this hermit has been away from the hermitage for the bulk of a week.  Working as a team, we built up one another, utilizing each others skills and strengths, sharing ideas, coming up with viable solutions, and remaining positive in what could be a devastating situation.  

We made much progress as a unit, for we are members of the Body of Christ.  We are part of a holy Whole.  There is genuine love and mutual respect, despite individual uniqueness and our mortal, ever present flaws.

Now, having returned to Te Deum Hermitage, this hermit's body is trying to recover from the added push of driving, sitting, conversing, and negotiating with people out in the world.  We had to make progress in problem-solving and in making headway for whatever is next.  

Today, the silence of solitude includes both external and internal, whereas in the past week there was not as much external silence.  It does not matter, for the silence of solitude is an individual and interior attribute--partly learned, partly acquired.  Given by God's grace, a hermit chooses or chooses not to exercise it.

The Lord has been with us all in the moments past, present and will be in future no matter the temporal crises which wax and wane in our external circumstances.  And the externals do affect our interior lives to some degree.  Either we will be buffeted about, or we will hold firm in faith, hope, and love.

Let us choose to affirm one another in love, respecting and honoring everyone in God's law of love!

Now to rise, stretch, dress, eat with gratitude something simple yet regenerative to the body.  There is manual labor to be done here, in the slow process of progress in some externals.  The mind, heart and soul remain fixed on God's law of love of Him and love of others.  

Whether the body be perched on an extension ladder tied into the house through a window and on top of a steep porch roof, painting a gable, or if priming a ceiling and trim pieces for an interior bathroom--or getting a spiritual book ready to ship to a person far away--God is within, and we may in simple consideration, remain in His Love.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Discernment of Spirits, Phenomenon

When one receives a spiritual gift such as a locution or mystical scent (Jung refers to it as the pneuma of the Holy Spirit), it is well to discern the source and the meaning.

The first time this hermit experienced the odor of spiritual perfume (another way it is expressed), it followed the first corporeal vision of its deceased grandmother.  She appeared in the night as an actual body, dressed, younger than her age at earthly death, and gave a message from God.  The hermit (not then a hermit and not then a Catholic) did not know the terminology of such phenomenon nor the difference between an image-type vision (imaginary, they are called although quite actual and not of the common notion of imagination) or corporeal vision (when a body manifests on a corpus, very much present, visible, and as if could reach out and touch).

As for the strong profusion of perfumed scent that filled the room for several minutes following the grandmother's dissipation or disappearance, there accompanied the vision and resultant sense phenomenon, a tremendous peace within and all about the room.  The peace exuded close to the purest love this hermit experienced in ordinary life existence (does not reach the level of love experienced in the mystical state during Mass nor that of the death experience).

Yesterday morning, when the hermit experienced the spiritual perfume, it checked out any possible temporal possibilities for such a scent.  This was easily accomplished given the hermitage living conditions.  The walls are all but gutted, ceilings gutted, and rat nests removed, but there has not been yet bleach sprayed on other rat urine-soaked wood, nor are their toiletries unpacked that could have given off perfumed scent. The hermit itself had not the luxury of bathing for two weeks, and the body, clothing, and bedding certainly did not smell sweet.

A sense of peace accompanied the thoughts presented interiorly in the early morning prayers.  The day unfolded with more assurances from His Real Presence.  A trip to a physician of whom the daughter found on the internet, with good reviews, but who knows--resulted in a tremendous consolation.  Without expressing the financial situation, the doctor did a procedure that prevented cancerous growth, and charged shockingly little.  (The hermit then did express how much that meant and said why.)

Plus, what is more unusual, is that the night before this doctor appointment, an email came from a dear friend of 30 years ago.  He is 95, and he gave news of health trials he is undergoing.  The hermit had been holding him in prayer, even though this lovely soul would certainly be chosen by God to be conformed to His image and likeness through suffering. But imagine the shock when the hermit met this doctor, and he had the build, facial structure, features, gestures, voice, hair cut and glasses of the man not seen in person, in 25 years!  And the friend is as generous and Christian as this doctor, too.

The Lord was letting the hermit know through each touch of love from the beyond into the temporal, that He is with the hermit.  The hermit must persevere (although the temporal is not guaranteed a temporal success); the hermit must remain here for now; the hermit must keep at the efforts spiritually, prayerfully, and physically.

___________________

The locution of a few weeks ago regarding worship with the hermit monks, was tested this past Sunday.  "Not for you" proved to be from the Holy Spirit.  This hermit went to their small chapel, and waited for the service with a handful of other people.  Many externals provided answers to the test of that locution.  While the externals certainly meant something to those of that tradition, there were little warning signs for this hermit that truly, this was "not for you." 

Fifteen or so minutes into the service, with the hermit monks remaining behind some doors but chanting, and the hermit toward the back of the small chapel, it also knew the mystical state that occurs at all Masses of the Catholic Church, was not going to transpire any more than it does not in Protestant or Evangelical services.  Not that not having the mystical state is a concern of this hermit, it has proven over time to be a sign from His Real Presence, for this hermit.

Regardless the various details of discernment in the externals present or of the interior sense, was able to quietly slip away and return to Te Deum Hermitage, and accept that for whatever the Lord's reasons, "not for you" was what He meant regarding active involvement in another worship tradition.  (And this is not to say that the Lord did not approve of that form for those who feel called to it.  In His house there are many mansions, and He has gone ahead and prepared a room for each of us.)

__________________

This is a cursory glance at discernment of spirits and phenomenon.  Of course, it takes experience with experiences, prayer, and also, each time, a healthy dose of doubt-until-tested stance.  The devil can be quite tricky; but the bulk of spiritual masters who achieved holiness in this life and left their classic writings as guidelines, all concur that a general proof of the Spirit is His peace that passeth all understanding.  One can also review a spiritual experience with one's spiritual director, who presumably is experienced with such matters, personally.

Those who fear spiritual experiences, such as various priests or bishops this hermit has encountered, tend to brush off such events and warn (often misdirecting John of the Cross' writings on the topic) to ignore all spiritual experiences.  If they add to that advice, to "stay grounded," this latter is excellent and ought to rule one's reactions.  

However, John of the Cross in his explanatory writings of his trilogy of poetry (Ascent of Mount Carmel, Dark Night of the Soul, Living Flame of Love) advised not being caught up in phenomenon when the senses are being purged; however later in his writings, he explains that, of course, spiritual phenomenon provides a repertoire, and is a means for God to inform and to guide the soul who has passed through other stages.  

Obviously, the saints, the mystics, popes, priests, and pilgrims, and their various advisers did not disregard their spiritual experiences, or we'd not have any writings from them, and they would not have followed God's locutions to them, nor those of the Virgin Mary.  We would not have the miraculous medal, nor the Dialogues of Jesus to St. Catherine of Siena, nor reforms of various religious orders, nor the Divine Mercy chaplet, etc.  But these experiences need to be discerned and tested, and His Real Presence is not offended when we do.  For one thing, learning to discern mystical phenomenon is a way in which the soul is strengthened and gains experience in the spiritual journey.

This hermit's purpose is not to teach others the detailed specifics of how to discern spirits but to share through its experiences, snippets of example and outcomes.  There are books written on the topics, but to read the lives of saints and mystics is also a good way to learn how they learned.  Plus, we can help one another.  This hermit gets specific when people write or call, asking for discernment help in their spiritual experiences.

_______________

Oh, that reminds....  A friend emailed asking if she interpreted a dream properly, or if she was missing something.  We have been working on her dream interpretation abilities, and she had the dream "nailed," as is said nowadays.  She wasn't sure if the man in the dream telling her some things was St. Francis de Sales or Dom Lorenzo Scupoli.  

This hermit forgot to ask for description of the man; but truly, if one does not know, it does not matter who, although sometimes it helps with our understanding of the message or reason for their being the messenger.  And, if God wants us to know who, as important in some aspect of the message or our spiritual journey, He will let us know at some point, definitively who is the messenger.

In any spiritual experiences, we ought thank His Real Presence, of which the Holy Spirit sends messages through various means, including souls on the other side.  Then, one can also thank whatever soul it may have been, or both or many.  They understand.  As we progress in discerning spirits, less and less does His Real Presence need to have a soul manifest itself, or our angel manifest corporally; we learn the finer nuances of inner sensing:  sight, smell, hearing, touching and tasting.  

There is so much that could be written regarding if the phenomenon is not of His Real Presence, but one can thank His Real Presence regardless.  If not of God, then the devil will shrink from our acknowledging God and ignoring the devil.  And God will not let a sincere and God-loving, fearing soul remain fooled for long.  A sincere and God-love, fearing soul will discern the spirits, even if there are mistakes along the way.  Yes, His Real Presence teaches those who love Him through many means both spiritually and temporally.



As always:  God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, and remain in His Love!


Note:  It seems that many or most bishops and priests in our time period do not have the time to be spent in reading the actual details, such as the breadth of John of the Cross' words, or some of the older books written by those who did have time to become specialists in the mystical and spiritual life.  It is a sign of our more complex times and the many administrative tasks priests and bishops must now tend.) 

The good news is that there is nothing at all stopping any of us from reading and learning.  This hermit developed a solid library by locating online and in used book sellers, many of the titles that Archbishop Tanquerey lists in his seminal writing (used to be required reading for seminarians in the earlier part of 20th c.):  Treatise on the Spiritual Life.  It is in print, paperback, through Tan Publishing, or used to be.  Some hardbound copies can be located online, used.)

Thanks Be to God

Thanks be to God for many temporal details, lately.  My computer hard drive crashed.  That was a blessing because my pain was out of control, and the head pain was becoming unbearable.  If I'd had the laptop, I would have written and written from a point of pain beyond coping, no doubt.  The darkness would have been too dark and incomprehensible, probably misunderstood, and fodder for misjudgments.

Only those out there who have experienced heavy suffering of the sort that takes the mind to another dimension and that of deep despair, would have grasped.  One of the last aspects of spiritual distress that I recall, is that of making it to Mass on Monday morning.  After what was typical for this parish, parishioners and priest--of which the state of such tends to be reflected or sensed within, throughout the Mass, any Mass--the woman of the very first day's conversation asked to speak to me.  Then another woman joined her.

It was The Inquisition.  I tried to remain very kind and patient, and I did my best to answer their questions which were put in accusatory manner.  The one woman repeated her current judgment, despite my explanation.  I finally tried to sweetly and firmly point out that perhaps she was beyond her capacity to grasp and experiential level, and that it seemed a bishop, a priest of many years, as well as a psychologist gifted with the paranormal have more ground upon which to stand in assessing what the week before I had suggested she just stop trying to analyze and let it be.

The other woman got into that it could be the devil, and yes, it could, but no, it is not.  That has all been dealt with, although I have no doubt at all that the devil continues to attack in various ways.  It seems he was busy using others to try to figure out and have their theories rather than their paying attention to His Real Presence in Mass.  The devil may have been quite successful, also, in having these women think it was their duty to give me a hard time of it, and to scrutinize and judge.

I never minded when a bishop did so.  That seems more the task of a bishop or even a parish priest.  This particular parish priest avoids any contact.  But he is part of the mix there, and why so little going on, the spiritual ebb flow low.

I did commend the women on their at least speaking to me.  Others do not--not a smile, not a "hello", not a glance as we are all leaving or outside.  I suggested to the two Inquisitors, that we try to just let the analysis drop, leave it for those others, if any, whose business it might be, and get to know one another as Christians.  I said there remains still an itty bit of sense of humor remaining, and I laughingly pointed at my shoes and that my feet are on the ground, and I'd love for them to visit me in my fixer upper, or to ask me to join them for a cup of coffee, and to talk of other than what is difficult to grasp and does not really matter, or should not.

But the encounter was deeply foul, as well as the situation spiritually there.  I called the spiritual father and reported to him, but also by then the physical suffering was so great, that my returning to this particular parish was not feasible.  When I called after I realized my having been taking the wrong medication for the head pain and not realizing it sooner, I could better explain about the Mass at that parish, the priest, and the encounter with two of the handful there.

Is this parish and this priest some kind of assignment for me?  My spiritual father does not know. He mentioned again how critical is the priest in parishes, for unhealthy ones tend to propitiate dis-ease.  As the leader goes, there go the followers.  We discussed, from the conversation I had with the women of which there was more than I have commented above, that these people likely are content with their parish and spiritual lives and not wanting other.  My silent, immobile presence had irked them, that was obvious.  Yes, there was much more to the Inquisition.

At one point, one of the women asked what I sense of their parish.  I did not want to say, but she asked again.  I put it that there seem to be some issues there.  It was not easy to throttle the words so prominent, but I held them in.  The best descriptor remains:  Creepy.  It is so sad and creepy.  How I wish I did not sense things so deeply, and even more deeply during Mass. Painful.

It is concluded for now that I will need more direct and obviously discernible instruction from God before I will return.  This may be a scenario of people entangled in the heavy nets just beneath the water's surface, and my trying to tread water and cut the ropes and try to help--but not at all what God wishes of me.  He may be saying again:  Swim on out into the deep.  They will be all right.  God is taking care of them.  Who am I?  I am nothing.

My spiritual father reminded me that people and situations aren't going to change over night.  But he also does not know if these people desire more.  Seems not.  I desire more, though, and my own spiritual life is hindered and weakened when I tread water and try to be where presence seems negative.  I asked Jesus the other night, "Lord, where is the freedom? Where is the joy?"

The immolation that I am to be may be this tremendous life of physical suffering and hardship, and the deep, spiritual suffering of seeing and experiencing what is and not being able to do anything about it--other than get swimming out into the deep and uncharted (at least by me) waters.

I've admitted to His Real Presence that if I am to not pay any attention to such as these women, or the others, or the priest or the essence of the unhealthiness sensed during Mass, that I need more strength and more graces and more assurance to return.  For now I pray for all of us, yet from a distance.  There is much work to do both spiritually and physically right here, in the plight of Te Deum House and in my imperfect soul abode.

There are so many other prayer concerns coming into our spheres of consciousness, even in the growing soul awareness, the spheres melding and evolving in one progression in His love, in His Real Presence.  Tend these prayer needs of so many other souls and circumstances.

Press on, press on.  Thanks be to God, the grace and strength to press on, not quite knowing how or where to press, other than press on.

I give thanks to my^* God always for you because of the grace of God that has been given you in Christ Jesus, ⁵for in every way you have been enriched in him, in speech and knowledge of every kind— ⁶just as the testimony of^* Christ has been strengthened among you— ⁷so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁸He will also strengthen you to the end, so that you may be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹God is faithful; by him you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.  (1 Cor 1:4-9)

Hermit's Personal Thoughts on Forgiveness

Yesterday, while mudding some drywall with a very painful shoulder, thoughts turned (as they should) to Jesus.  It was helpful having prayed the prayer that Jesus had inspired through whichever--Bernard of Clairvaux, Mechtilde of Magdburg or Gertrude the Great. 

The added pain and the memory of how the injury occurred as well as the two shoulder surgeries, then brought to mind that healing also requires the grace of forgiveness. 

 

I need to forgive, also, the first surgeon who repaired the rotator cuff.  But the pain in my shoulder continued after that surgery, and his nurse was not at all sympathetic.  She said she had the surgery and was fine after a few weeks.  During the winter my activity level was less, yet it still hurt.  I returned to the surgeon a couple of times, to be prescribed some prednisone to help reduce inflammation.  (I was already on high dose of anti-inflammatory medication to help the back pain.) 

By summer, when gardening and having helped a daughter paint some rooms in her house, the shoulder was excruciating.  The surgeon gave an injection.  The shoulder was still horrible.  He then became unkind and mocking, and said there was nothing wrong, that it was just in my head, and I'd never need another surgery and there was nothing more he could do.  I wept in his office which made him all the more determined there was nothing wrong, that I was a malingerer.

I need to forgive that surgeon and his nurse.  I went to a chiropractor for any hope of relief, and he insisted I get another MRI from elsewhere.  The shoulder, along with my constant back pain, had me so depleted that I did not want to remain in my body.   The chiropractor knew this was not like me, so he sent the MRI to a different surgeon with whom he had played on a softball league.  Amazing the connections and goodness of some people! 

The MRI was compared with the one from the first surgeon, and sure enough, the first surgeon and radiologist with his group had missed a huge Superior Labrum Anterior Posterior tear!  (I had even asked the first surgeon if there surely was something torn, for it felt as if I had a tear around the outer part of my shoulder.)

Another surgery was necessary, this time with the surgeon of a different group, the one the chiropractor recommended.  I had no insurance then and had not for years due to losing my career and the major back surgeries, so both surgeries and physical therapy drained more of my late parents' gift money.  And while the situation was an obvious malpractice by the first surgeon, I had no success finding a lawyer to to try recover any of those costs.  Bad luck some might say, or as I consider all in my life: God chooses all for me; His will be done.

Yes, thoughts of forgiveness came to the fore as I mudded the drywall.  I had asked for prayers from anyone out there who might read my blog, as the memories of how I injured the shoulder came back with the recent shoulder flare-up.  I managed to mud by holding the blade a certain way and making certain swipes--not otherwise that caused increased pain.  Still, in the night I awoke with stabbing pains going into my right hand from the shoulder.

All these memories, including of my late spiritual director, a Bishop, and the first surgeon, helped me realize residual upset triggered by the shoulder pain.  Then His Real Presence brought to mind the African woman whose family was killed as she hid in a closet, and how she was able to forgive those who murdered them.  

Into the mind came a marvelous priest, now deceased, who had heard my confession years ago and counseled me on another incident requiring forgiveness.

He told me that technically, it is not us who "forgive".  He said that forgiveness is a grace, and God is Who forgives.  He forgives through us, with us, in us.  So it is for us to ask God for the grace to forgive others, forgive situations.  And when we are given the grace, it is God Who is actually forgiving us or others.

While mudding, also came into the thoughts were Teresa of Avila's sharing her thoughts about the Lord's Prayer.  She expressed in Way of Perfection in much meditative detail the various components of the prayer Jesus taught us to pray--as the verbal prayer that has fullness of all necessary prayer, in it.  "Forgive us our trespasses [our debts] as we forgive those who trespass [our debtors] against us."
Teresa's insights include that most necessary aspect of forgiveness in this prayer:  that we need forgiveness first.  

We need to ask God to forgive us (as God Is Who forgives) before we can begin to have the proper state of mind, heart and soul for forgiving others.  It is the same insight that Jesus made when He pointed out that we need to remove the beam from our own eye before we see a splinter in other people's eyes.

The more I ponder my own faults in the two major bugaboos surrounding my shoulder surgeries and the reasons for them, the more I could grasp that I need God to forgive me for any and all faults regardless of relationship to those people involved in the painful circumstances.  

My mind, heart and soul need healing (as well as the shoulder if God wills), and my soul needs to be cleared of any sins connected.  Then, like the cracks between wall board pieces, God can fill in with the white mud, feather it out, and even sand it lightly to loveliness.  Once painted with white primer, it will seem as if never were there divisions in the drywall pieces, never were there screws drilled in, never were there surface blemishes.

It is by God's grace I can be forgiven:  His Real Presence.  I suspect He was feeling quite cramped and uncomfortable in the abode He has made in my body, mind, heart and soul.  I beg forgiveness for all my sins, for all my failings, and for having harbored upsetting feelings related to the whole shoulder injury and those persons negatively impacting. 

I pray forgiveness for the bishop spiritual director, the current bishop, the pastor, the surgeon, his nurse, and parishioners who lacked concern when I needed some practical help.  SLAP tear surgery is horrifically painful with lengthy recovery!

Once forgiven, there is space within my soul for the graces necessary for God to forgive others--His Real Presence through, with and in me and me in Him.  Only in these two aspects of forgiveness, is there healing and freedom to love fully once more.  

And a third aspect is to then have the space within to remember those persons, touched by God, who were marvelously loving and kind:  the chiropractor, some friends, family members, the second surgeon, and many on of earth and the other side who prayed me through such pain.  Praise God Almighty!  Let me not neglect the goodness He provides, always!

Oh, Lord, please cleanse my body, mind, heart and spirit.  Forgive me; then forgive them, for they did not know what they were doing.  Thus, through the power of forgiveness, deliver me from the evils of past, oppressive memories and hurt.  Thank You, Lord, for forgiving me and any others, our iniquities.  Cleanse our souls of iniquities and fill us with Your loving grace.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!