I must remind myself this morning that "pain is not the enemy." (This was an insight or a form of deeply interior locution given a few days ago. Of course! God knew I'd be needing it soon enough!) I also remind myself of the major vision and locution over 20 years ago when praying alone in a parish church, on the floor where have always been most comfortable, up near the steps to the altar.
I won't repeat extra details, but the Virgin Mary and Jesus came from altar and Tabernacle respectively, in form of whitish, cloud-spheres. They hovered before melding into one, up above where I knelt. Mary said succinctly: You will find Him in your pain.
There are some reasons why the post-op spinal pain is starting to get to me. I'm heading into four weeks since the surgery. I had lowered the pain meds 50% only to have to increase the other day, 25%. I was told I need to manage the added pain from the effort of getting up, off the bed, up to 8 times a day and when up strive to walk and do the minimal 4 leg exercises as many times in the 8 times up as possible. I am to aim for being up between 5 and 10 minutes, with 10 minutes being the goal over time.
Yesterday I got up 7 times. Out of those times, I think 5 times I did the leg exercises and 2 of the times maybe one of the leg exercises. I also was not able to fall asleep until around 2 a.m., but my last pain med time was 11 p.m. So the body went for 9 hours between pain meds. In itself, that is a reason for the excess pain this morning. The increasing effort of just minor exercises can do it, also.
I had no realistic idea of how lengthy and slow a recovery, prior to surgery. Perhaps that is as well! But there are other factors in why pain can start to get to a person, and the slowness of recovery adds to it.
I'm not one to dwell on the devil, but the devil is a reality. Any time we are in some type of reduced condition--bodily, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--the devil will try to move right in on us and make matters immediately worse. One way is by working in our memories and area of images/imagination.
For the second weekend in a row plus some other times of texting, I called and texted the eldest, adult child. I hoped there would be an answer--phone picked up or text response. That simply is not happening. I left messages asking what they are doing and that I'd love to hear from them, to get caught up as granddaughters have returned to school. (I looked online to find out when.) I asked for email of one in family as was his birthday a week ago. Since no response then, I sent a gift card via the daughter's email and assume he got it.
There are reasons for the non-responses. I have over time come to understand these reasons, odd as it might seem to others, or how it can bring about a sense of judgment of how terrible it is to not receive a response. But I must not allow myself to get into what the devil would love to stir in me, difficult as it is especially when the pain is high. There is no positive result in over-thinking matters; but also there is no positive result to over-try to make contact. I must simply trust in God all the more and pray that they are doing well, praise that they are very busy, and to pray that God will handle and heal and uplift them in whatever ways needed.
Another aspect is that I have learned to give people "passes" for I must always consider what God wills of me when situations are not as I would have them or want. Why does God allow such doors to not open when I knock or try to open, to push? Even if I cannot figure out why, I know I must pray for all good, to trust that at some point I will hear from others, and in the meantime accept as God's way of teaching and testing. To Whom do I belong? To Whom shall I go, always? For Whom shall I pray and with what steadiness of love and holy enthusiasm? I must always get "myself" out of the way and keep thoughts of the past and any wonderment of if I've somehow offended or done something without realizing it, that upset the persons.
So such as these niggling situations in what I will and want do not happen, there are other aspects that hinder keeping pain at bay (and again, pain of all types, not just physical). Last night I watched a film that is considered "iconic" of the early 1980's but did not come into this status until later. I watched it after earlier watching a faith-based film. Since I was having trouble sleeping, I watched the second film in attempt to distract and hopefully fall asleep. But the film did not lift up. Yes, I know it is a form of reality of our world and souls as they can be, and even worse in actual life, but such reality is not the most prudent to take on when dealing with higher pain to begin with.
Even so, it is a means to learn to detach from the awfulness of sin in our midst, of sin that tempts us, or the reason, also, why sin can develop based upon the upbringing of children by those who mean well but who somehow missed the mark in nurturing others, or of sin of the fathers, so to speak, affects the children. Plus, there is the aspect of struggles within various personalities and situations in which other people have to struggle through in their own lives.
Learn to detach from the horror of sin but not to ignore it. Prayer, again, is the antidote. Just keep praying. Trust and faith are crucial in praying. Trust and faith are crucial in combatting the effects of pain that cause us to stumble, that cause us to think of and react to pain as if it is the enemy instead of it being an opportunity.
This morning I read this selection, 2797, in the Catechism. I've been reading selections, these past couple of weeks (even though the surgery recovery hinders memory of what I've read) regarding the Lord's Prayer or the "Our Father."
"Simple and faithful trust, humble and joyous assurance, are the proper dispositions for one who prays the Our Father."
How can one have the proper dispositions to pray the Lord's Prayer or any prayer, when our own pain is a threat to simplicity, faith, trust, humility, joy, assurance? I suppose we must face some realities. One is to maximize the management of those aspects of pain that the devil so cunningly infiltrates. Take the medications that can help the mind and emotions cope with too much pain. Put into our minds and hearts that which will lift up. If we imbibe in doses of temporal reality, then know there will be added challenges for the mind and emotions, to the spirit. That is all right--as long as we are prepared for these challenges and utilize some antidotes.
Pain is humbling, so tick that off as a gift given from the Lord. Pain also reduces us to a simplicity of body and heart/emotions. Yet pain can complicate the mind by means of memory and images/imagination. As long as we are aware of this complication, we can then combat the consequences by forcing ourselves to stay in the present moment and to counter situations that can take us back, by pouring on more love and understanding of whatever situations arise.
To have joyous assurance--well, when in pain and attempting to pray--we must remind ourselves that joy is not just a feeling of being happy or content. Joy is connected to assurance in Christ. Joy is also very much connected to pain in that we know with assurance how Jesus won our eternal salvation--through the immense suffering and pain and death He accepted and endured for the sake of our souls. Joy has to do with fulfilling a holy mission, with exploring and accepting a spiritual purpose.
I also am convinced that even if we don't think or feel we have the proper disposition to pray the "Our Father," we should pray it anyway. The more earthy aspects of praying when in pain can help, not hinder, for our angel, Mary, the saints who have gone before us, friends and strangers on the other side--all will aid us and even pray with us, just as the entire Body of Christ is with us when we pray the Lord's Prayer. At any moment all over the world and in heaven, someone is praying the Lord's Prayer, saying "Our Father" with us. It is another way i which we are never really alone.
When we realize again, that pain is not the enemy and that we will find Jesus in the pain, our disposition becomes that of simple, humble, faithful trust, joyous in assurance that our communication with God is acceptable and accepted. Any attempts of the devil to try to use pain as the enemy in order to suck us down into discouragement or despair is thwarted in the prayer above all prayers, the one Jesus taught--His prayer, the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Just typing this prayer, word by word, has given me renewed strength. My mind and heart and spirit ceased being toyed with by the evil that can try to obscure the beauty and power of Jesus in the pain. I now have the proper disposition if somehow I did not have it before I wrote-prayed this prayer.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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