Finally this morning I realized needed to increase medication dose. Just way too much pain, and within a couple hours or less, the fog lifted, all angst was gone, and once more I realized that the pain had got me again! Living in solitude, I do not recognize when the pain is interfering with my mind and emotions. With pain managed and lessened some, whatever I was fussing about is silly and not at all a concern.
Monday morning I am going to bring up the pain pump surgery with the neurosurgeon, and I will do likewise with the pain doctor. Four days of being rather out of it is really not prudent. Nor is it positive, as those I'm trying to communicate with--others than a handful who know me very well--are left wondering what on earth is wrong with this person? Why would anyone stress about this or that, "over think" as were the words used this time. And they were absolutely correct. But there is a reason for this dishevelment: too much pain that is not adequately addressed with steady and regulated flow of medication I'll be on for life.
Well, it is humbling. And all the more I know that the Lord is working it all out and allowing all to occur in His way and timing. It is very good that the three-month neurosurgeon appointment is fresh upon me, for I will express the last several days' upheaval and "blur," plus how the intestines are affected. That is a major reason why I do not like to increase the oral meds; they do not help the intestines nor the lungs but suppress their functionality.
Last evening I read a couple articles on the process of CL603 hermits--excellent articles published in journals. In one of the articles, the process was complex and also very somber and rather rigid. Seemed more a process for a religious order monk or nun, with emphasis on structure and rules and details that seem excessive or even restrictive, and are not written in any canons or other writings even of magisterial impact. The wearing of a habit was made to seem requisite, and the reason given, in part, was that the hermit should wear a habit and be noticed as a hermit to help further the hermit vocation and to break the stereotypes of hermits among those in society.
I've had my experiences with wearing a habit as well as in wearing a simple garment but not a more traditional habit. With both, I found reasons why best not to stand out. Someone again--happened before--desires to get me to be interested in their church. Is quite awkward. Each time, I mention that I have a church, or try to generalize the topic by saying we are all the Body of Christ, but also thank the person to ease situation. However, I did consider that one good point of a traditional, Catholic habit would be stopping others from trying to entice me from the Catholic Church. I've had persons in the past convinced that I am destined to hell by being a Catholic; they sincerely want to rescue me.
But, I'm not interested in discussing the pros and cons of hermits wearing a religious habit. My preference and reasoning remain preferring not to do so. However, I would do so if I requested by a bishop. I would like opportunity to point out reasons preferring not, but I would do as asked. What difference to me personally does it make? I would need to wear overalls doing what manual labor my back can allow; I am in bed quite a bit, dressed in sleepwear. I do not go out much, but would wear habit then. I suspect that given the situation of the mystical state during Mass, a bishop would prefer I not draw attention; an obvious religious habit would indeed do that.
Per the reasoning of the article, though, I don't think a hermit's goal (or one of his or her purposes) is to help break stereotypes of what people think of hermits nor to normalize or advertise the hermit vocation for the Church. While wearing habits might accomplish both to some extent, it would also set a barrier to some non-Catholics; and depending upon the hermit's locale, it could discourage the silent preaching and hidden witnessing of the hermit to others. In my current neighborhood, my wearing a traditional-type, Catholic religious habit would be off-putting to all but perhaps one Catholic couple. However, we never know who might be positively impressed. Regardless, I don't have to be concerned with this, but I've realized I'd do as asked if the situation before me.
What is of most import to me is what Jesus reminds us through today's Gospel reading at Mass. Matthew 5:43-48 proclaims Jesus' teaching about loving others, especially our enemies. Jesus is quite clear in his advice to us. And this reminds me, also, of one of the articles regarding process for hermit approval per CL603, that the rule of life to be written, was explained as rather involved, with various aspects needing to be included. My rule of life does not include all those aspects mentioned--suggested that a bishop would expect and want.
For a short while between 2000 and 2005 or so, my rule of life was to live and learn what I call the Nine S': Silence, Solitude, Slowness, Suffering, Selflessness, Simplicity, Stillness, Stability, Serenity. My spiritual father suggested to me the first three the day after my profession and avowal ceremony. The Holy Spirit suggested the other six, and wanting nine S' because of the spiritual significance of fullness, completion, the perfect movement of God. (Consider 9 months of gestation and fetal growth up to moment of birth.)k
But then I read a biography of St. Richard, a hermit of Great Britain a few centuries past. He gave convincing reasons as to why he realized and chose the Gospel Rule, as it is the perfect rule of life. Thus I adopted the Gospel Rule of Life, and understood that the Nine S' are a platform of sorts, an undergirding set of attitudes and ways of living out the Gospel Rule--the teachings of Christ, especially that of God's Law of Love. Thus, the following guidance from Jesus as written in the Gospel of Matthew, I take as what I am to implement in my daily life, as also my hermit Rule of Life.
"Jesus said to his disciples: 'You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect."
What stands out to me, this time, in reading and meditating on these verses, is that all of Jesus' advice has to do with what is our part, our duty, our prerogative to be, think, and do regarding others. We are to love our enemies, pray for those who persecute us; we are to not just greet those we enjoy and love and who love us, but be kind and loving to those who dislike us or with whom we disagree. Jesus does not get into the what if's. What if the other person does not respond in kind? What if the other person does not want to accept our love? What if the other person continues to choose to be an enemy, to persecute us, to not change his or her ways as a result of our love and prayers?
Jesus strictly tells us how we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do and say. He tells us to be perfect, just as our heavenly Father is perfect. We are to keep up our love of enemies and keep up the praying for those who persecute us to our last breaths.
A spiritual friend emailed, mentioning a Lenten Lesson she so needs to learn. There is someone in the person's life who is quite annoying and rude in several ways. Too much to go into and not necessary, but the friend realizes that the situation has caused anger and resentment, and ugly thoughts and feelings toward this intrusive, demanding person. Praying for the irritating one has gone on for months and even years, but the frustration is at the point of animosity. So the friend prays to be released from the angry and frustrating feelings and thoughts toward the other.
I think we all can relate. There are always people in our lives from time to time or for years who seem to have taken up residence in our lives who have made themselves enemies by rudeness or ugly behavior of one sort or another. Seems there is nothing we can say or do to the other that helps solve the problem or gets them to get on with their own lives or to leave us be in peace.
The Gospel today was ideal with what Jesus advises, but I also read this advice from St. Maximus the Confessor (c. 580-662), a monk and theologian. I sent this following selection in an email, plus mentioned the Gospel for today's Mass also guides us in how to deal with and cope with our human irritants who seem persisting as "frenemies" for the remaining breaths of our lives.
"Watch yourself, lest the vice which separates you from your neighbor lies not in the neighbor but in yourself. Be reconciled with your neighbor without delay, so that you do not lapse from the commandment of love. Do not hold the commandment of love in contempt; through it you will become a child of God. But if you transgress, you will become offspring of Gehenna....
"Has your neighbor been the occasion of some trial for you, and has your resentment led you to hatred? Do not let yourself be overcome by this hatred, but conquer it with love. You will succeed in this by sincerely praying to God for your neighbor and accepting their apology, or else by the conciliatory action of making an apology yourself, regarding yourself as responsible for the trial and patiently waiting until the cloud has passed....
"Do not lightly discard spiritual love, for there is no other road to salvation.... The rational person cannot nurse hatred against someone else and yet be at peace with God, the giver of the commandments. "For,' he says, 'if you do not forgive someone their faults, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your faults (cf. Mt 6:14-15). If your neighbor does not wish to live peaceably with you, nevertheless guard yourself against hatred, praying for, and not abusing, that person sincerely...."
"Strive as hard as you can to love everyone. If you cannot yet do this, at least do not hate anyone. But even this is beyond your power unless you scorn worldly things.... The friends of Christ love all truly but are not themselves loved by all; the friends of the world neither love nor are loved by all. The friends of Christ persevere in love to the end; the friends of the world only persevere until they fall out with each other over some worldly thing."
So we might point out that we have tried to be reconciled with the other, but the other does not want to be reconciled. Or the other has not apologized for us to be able to accept their apology; the other does not consider themselves a cause of upset or ill-behavior or wrong-doing. Perhaps we have tried to be conciliatory and patient, but nothing seems to ease the problem, the trial.
Then it seems we must simply keep praying for the other and praying, also, that we hold fast to striving to love everyone, including and especially those who remain steadfast in their behaviors or their disagreeability. We must accept that not all will love us, but we may love all. And we must steadfastly persevere in love of the other no matter what.
The spiritual friend emailed back, appreciating what St. Maximus added in guidance to Jesus' teaching to love our enemies in addition to loving our friends. A quote she used to repeat to herself had come to mind which is helpful, also. I think it comes from The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis. "If you will be borne, bear with others."
Loving all others, especially those who for whatever reasons, despite our efforts to reconcile, continue to be noxious, disagreeable, rude, or intrusive--along with sincerely praying for the person--are of primary importance; but bearing with others patiently and with loving tolerance will enhance and support our ability to love the other and pray for their well-being. These efforts, also, will help us be mentally and emotionally released from being addled or upset by persons seemingly unwilling to move on with their own lives and release themselves, as well, from negative attachment to us.
When we are able to persevere in love, no matter what others choose to do or be, no matter if others do not respond with love, our souls will grow in Christ's love all the more. When we love those who are difficult to love or who do not love us or even like us, we will have taken steps with Christ along the path to increasing selflessness and spiritual maturity, and in Christ's perfect way of love.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
