No wonder the clerk at the nearby grocery (1.5 or so miles) started bagging for me and called a man to come lift and take me to my truck, Precious Blood. I was fading rapidly from my first-effort at driving and getting a few groceries. When I got back to hermitage, I saw in the mirror a face worse than I've ever seen--white with deeply sunk eyes, reddish gray around the sockets.
I cannot prepare anything to eat so got crackers and a slice of cheese, and thanks to a gift of a rapid water boiler, a cup of herbal tea. Had to take extra meds; am down now, but pain knifing. Driving home I could not get my truck lights to beam properly; was doing all to simply focus on following the next vehicle and get to where I could collapse on bed. The light problem will resolve; probably something to do with the dead battery which has been replaced with new, thanks to yet another kindly neighbor.
Dear God in Heaven, this is quite horrible pain. But coming home, praying for God's help as I needed help in way too hard to describe in what pain does to a person, I realized I am fine with it, for I consider that my sins are maybe being burned as just due. And when I in another post wrote that I would of course admit and accept whatever judgment when I die from this body and earth, as I confess and ask forgiveness each time I recognize my sins and flaws, I suppose I cannot for certain know how I will respond at some unknown, future point. But I think and feel that I will readily confess and admit any and all sins and wrongdoings that I have not done en route, while traversing this path of life.
My intellect and will in the center of my soul, as well as my heart's desire to love God and do good, would have to undergo some change between now and then for me to veer from accepting my wrongs shown me by my angel, the Holy Spirit, others, and Jesus when He returns for me to take me with Him and judges all aspects of my life and soul while on earth.
If an unconfessed mortal sin, or a sin I will not admit to--then the fires of hell await. I tell you, while I was physically and mentally fading at the check out, and the checker Janet so alert and giving help and calling for help, and then in the short but agonizing drive back to Solus Deus, my body felt as if being already in the fires of hell. The pulsating knife in a certain area of my spine continues, but thankfully it will subside in time.
And on another note, while on the walk today, I found myself praying the Jesus Prayer. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. (Sometimes when I've prayed this prayer I include after Lord Jesus Christ...the words, Son of the Living God...have mercy on me, a sinner. Just another version of this prayer of origin in the 5th c. Egyptian desert fathers' and mothers' repeated oration.)
While praying as I walked, repeating the words, I had to laugh--for I realized that it could be similar to the man's story experience from repetitive focusing and following the intake and outflow of his breath which after many hours, brought him to a point of transcending physical pain. (Wrote of this in previous posts, in addition to my working through the pondering.)
That connection made, or at least the thought of a similarity of repetitive, rhythmic focus, brought reminder of the book The Way of the Pilgrim which relates the story of an 18th c [I think that the time period of the holy seeker] Russian pilgrim/hermit who passed through various phases of the spiritual life in his wanderings, detachment from the world, and also praying without ceasing, the Jesus Prayer.
Of course, while I found the similarity in repetitive thought, then heart, then soul focus between Randall's breathing and my praying the Jesus Prayer while walking, or the desert fathers and mothers praying that prayer or shortened version of Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, I also reflected upon obvious differences.
Breath as opposed to words, focusing on breathing compared to focusing on Jesus being God and us being sinners--but at some point in the Jesus Prayer, the words become wordless, the sentiment or truth settles into the heart, and at some point the mindless, effortless unity in Christ's mercy takes root in the soul. Or such are the insights thus far.
Dear God in Heaven, with the first drive and grocery shopping attempt, this has been a poignant day of clear realities, of facing my hurtfulness of others, of admitting and accepting my sins and asking and accepting God's forgiveness. It is a day of breakthrough in a written exercise asked of me by the man from parish who has developed the course including dreams, interpretation and discernment helpful in spiritual direction, based in Scripture and Carmelite spirituality, especially St. Teresa's dreams, visions, and locutions.
I wrote it in email, and I dared also tell him he had come to me in a dream, and for fun, if he wanted, describe himself some; it is unlikely we will ever meet in person. But I explained the dream, for on my walk and after, the Lord helped me grasp it is time for me to buckle down, to get all prongs plugged into the spiritual socket, into the Source of Power: His Real Presence--God the Father, Jesus His Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Dear God in Heaven, a clear and pivotal day of reckoning and and also one of transformation by Christ's mercy and love.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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