The thought had come not long ago, perhaps recently, that the situation of which I was personally but anonymously writing might somehow be reading my posts. Yet I wrote on, and I yet write, for thankfully the long time friend responded with much courage to say it was not my input and opinions on the OCT treatments, did not feel betrayed on that, but that I would use what was the person's hardest year of life to navigate, which I agree, as fodder to publish. Plus, that my judgments and criticisms of which are half-truths and so forth, were written as if gospel.
I admit to having written, even if anonymously, of my concerns. And yes, I can see it can be judging others and criticizing, and my views and opinions. I was analyzing amidst my own upset. I also was working through it all, my own upset probably as selfishly as anything, using Scriptures and trying to discern what of God, of love, of forgiveness, and now I can add in judgment of wrong doing.
While I responded with apology to the loved one, a long time friend, and had asked the Lord the other day to take me in spirit to apologize to my cousin, I can do so again to apologize for having hurt the friend as well as to ask the Lord to take me in spirit to confess my writing my opinions, analysis of his wife and their situation, and ask forgiveness of both, in spirit and to the friend in the text of my being sorry.
So it is my mea culpa, and I admitted in responding to the friend, my longest-time friend, that I accept I am going to be facing a most severe judgment from God. I did not elaborate, but it will be for many of my sins, for the very sin of my flaws and issues, of whatever is in my personality plus something of being a writer that is not good. For a writer does write and write, and this blog has been one including my life journey, my spiritual climb, for better or worse.
I tend to figure that those who read my blog are hermits or Catholic hermits, or Catholics, but this is not the first time that others who know me have looked online to find my blog, or put it together what a title would be, or the couple or so who have asked me way back when I was writing, and I gave my blog site, of which I stopped doing long ago because I figure God has people read who stumble upon it or per their vocations. And amazingly, a bulk of readers are from other countries and strangers, who evidently find something of helpfulness in my writing, eve if it is to see my flawed self and determine to not repeat my errors.
There are risks in writing even anonymously of our lives, situations, and journeys. This is true for writers of autobiographies and even fiction, of whom persons who know the author will find themselves in the characters and situations, of which there can most definitely be hurt feelings, and a disagreeing with what is written.
But this current episode has turned out at least for now, to be for the worse in that I hurt someone deeply. I caused pain and killed trust. (Yet again; I've hurt others before but somehow keep writing and expressing and hurting again in different examples or scenarios). And it is true that I try to view all through the Scripture or how God is leading me, or today am considering very much the severity of my judgment not just now or while alive, but at death.
I'm pondering the major judgment in which there will be even more shown me of what I'd done that has hurt people deeply and thus also causes me to not progress as God would desire. While I don't know why anyone would want to read my blog, and I strive to keep it anonymous, and using examples from one's life is common enough in writing, it still can be hurtful. Plus, I consider if working my way through this situation through writing, even if anonymously, actually has helped anyone else with situations in which they are dealing, working through.
But this today, this ought help others. For it is that of when we must face ourselves with our terrible sins, and that of having a long-time friend feel such betrayal of trust, plus my added analyses, is quite horrible on my part. It took tremendous courage for the person to let me know what it is, or how it is, that the upset has been--not in my unasked for opinions but that I would criticize, come off very much in judging, but also write my thoughts in a visible format. Even if I keep to anonymity, obviously someone stumbled upon my blog, of I suppose not too hard to find if into Catholic hermit life, as there are those closest to me who know I am Catholic and a hermit, plus write a blog.
I see all the more my sin, my flaws, as this is not the first time I've hurt others by my writing. Yes, I ask the Lord forgiveness; I am very sorry for my hurting and my openness of what I write of what I think which are not at all gospel, of course. Just my half-baked observations, but more so how aspects affect me, in my working through. While I suspect my friend can forgive me, trust is broken, and that is not necessarily restored or can be. Especially in various circumstances, it is all the harder to be restored and maybe unable to be.
This is part of the consequence of wrong-doing, or of hurting others. It probably is not even the content that hurts but the sense of betrayal, that is real enough. And some consequences I think the Lord probably deems should stand. I think that probably my penance, and I admitted to God, to the person I love, my long-time friend, and to myself that I accept my consequence and the reality also of a most severe judgment at my earthly death.
I know even a bit ago when I made a heartfelt confession to the Lord of seeing how hurtful I've been, and also that my writing extends into areas that do affect the spiritual journey, but still cause pain and can be of course quite wrong, and definitely from others' perspectives which are valid. Writers do write from a perspective, a human one, in sifting through, in traversing life from an imperfect and in my case, loaded with various vices yet and imprudence being one. Pride, too, I figure is part of opinions, or the audacity to write of feelings and viewpoints. My analyzing is a bane, a vice in itself.
I know already, even as I was confessing to the Lord this Sunday morning, that the Lord forgives me. He always does forgive His poor gray mouse. I'd be better off had the Lord years ago shown me His poor filthy rat, for rats are intelligent, at least, and would be more careful, use their intelligence, learn and not repeat sinful flaws. I suppose it is an added penance being Sunday, as well and two days from the earthly birthday of the friend's late father. I ask his forgiveness, as well, and already have that of her mother. I've been asking their intercessions all along, regardless.
However, the consequences stand, and I merit them; I deserve the loss of trust. Plus although the Lord forgives and loves yet, He wants something other of me. He has shown me how off-path I've become. I considered it last night, yet again, after reading more portions of some spiritual writing, and had put the other situation that I was working through in my mind and through writing to rest. I had let go of it. But this aspect of my sinfulness and of my judgment of and from Jesus remains before me, is part of this journey, and I must accept and face once again, that my writing and working through the journey of every day life by examples which can hurt people and not provide any good for them at most or at least, is up for grabs as far as purpose or point.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. And oddly, I was not surprised. I'm a repeat offender of my writing causing pain of which I will reap consequences and accept whatever judgments, for all I can do now is continue forth. And oddly, there is a peace within and a calm. I suppose that is in one way a gift from God for my asking forgiveness and fully accepting all consequences for my writing as I did, and the hurt I caused. But I also wonder if somehow I have become inured by so much pain, myself, that I do not have a true compass in wise discretion? Or, it could be that I need a turning point of letting go, to alter my writing; and also to let go of what concerns I have and not have to work through them over time, and to silence my too-many thoughts.
Or perhaps the calm is of a surrender and acceptance out of such weariness, and a willingness to be judged by God be it ever so severely, and then be on my way forward in purgation which can be so extremely painful and seemingly long, all the more due to seeing heaven in the distance, yet also knowing from admitting to my sins, that had I been otherwise, chosen otherwise, I could have progressed in eternity with less need of purgation.
As for hell, there may be some sins I've committed in life of which I am yet unaware but will be shown me, and I pray for the grace to recognize them when Jesus shows me, and to admit, accept, and beg forgiveness for all those, too. But for now, I must go and sin no more. Try, anyway. And accepting whatever consequences which I am doing and fully accept my wrong doing, my sin and knowing I deeply hurt and damaged trust for whatever time left on earth, is my just punishment.
Also oddly, I had a dream this morning when I fell back asleep early morning. The man whom I've not met in person, but who has developed the course on dreamwork as it relates to spiritual direction was in the dream. He had come to see me; but there kept being interruptions from family visiting, and then interruption even with that adult child who unexpectedly came in the dream. And even a dog was there, needing to be fed--one that had been a pet for ten years before being hit by a car. I had not tended that pet that well in life.
Regardless, the man who came to visit first--our discussion and point of his coming was interrupted by the other unexpected visitors including the dog amazingly alive. The man had come to discuss my focus. It all fits. I'd gone way off course in ways that even if some reader on the other side of the world found helpful in some way related to their own life situations, is yet not what I need to be writing about. I will analyze this dream; it is a first clear dream that I remember in a long time that has overtures I need to see about myself.
Exploring myself and learning to see myself as God sees, is where I need to remain, even if what I see of myself includes interactions. A positive aspect for a hermit in learning his or her own sins and to progress to the vocational calling, to succeed in His will for His hermits, is that of stricter separation and being in silence of solitude and hidden from the eyes of others. I have been remiss in this aspect, also. Father forgive me for I am the one who does not know what I am doing.
If nothing else out of all this that I once more face and must learn, is my sinful nature and to let go of that which is not for me to write about, nor even to think about. Cumbrous, temporal aspects of lives, especially others, that should not be of my concern other than to pray for God's will and providence and love for all people. Plain and simple, that is. And if I need to work through whatever, I must learn to let go of that working through; that is God's domain. It is not necessary for me to go into situations or others's lives.
Mercy, Lord! I do lack discretion and the devotion of which is to be of a consecrated Catholic hermit: Devote my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world through stricter separation from the world, and in assiduous prayer and penance. I am to manifest to everyone the interior aspects of the mystery of Christ's Church--that is, a personal intimacy with Christ. I have not at all done that, definitely not especially with the long time friend and if whoever else, if someone other pointed out my--of course--unintentional hurtfulness.
(That is also a problem of mine--I do not intend what should be obvious to not delve into, analyze others, or so it seems, unless perhaps part of discernment of spirits; but that would not need my writing details of such personal nature. There is a gift of writing that includes expressing examples even with details, but in a way that many of us can see ourselves in whatever is the point, or utilize it positively in our lives, experiences, and relationships for positive growth. I need that gift to write in that way, not as I have.
(Stricter separation from the world is a good that God provides for a hermit to better focus; mea culpa on that point, as well. Forgive me, Lord, and readers, also. If anything good of my sins, I'm thankful to be told and now the effort of trying yet again to correct course.)
God bless His Real Presence in us! Let us love God above all things and others as God loves! I dare write these words for they are truth even if I err repeatedly.
[I am praying about removing the posts in which I offend and have deeply hurt another. If someone other had pointed out my blog writing to the one I hurt, I then implicated that person in being a party to my hurtfulness, adding to the hurt by notifying the one offended. All sins have ripple effects in consequences. For now, though, it seems best since I kept anonymous my writings, to expose my wrongs, to not sheepishly think I can blot out my sins. Only God can do that, no matter what sins. It is also part of the lot of being a writer, to live with what is written, and to face the temporal reviewers whose just right is to critique what is written. That is fair, and it is very good in my situation to see what posts are helpful and good, and those that are not. As is said, I have made my bed and must sleep in it, at least for now. The loved one I hurt knows my blog site, now, and that helps as a reminder for me to alter the course and content of my writing. And, more importantly, I must rid my tendency to get wrought up over situations and analyze to the extent I hurtfully did. It is as bad or worse if I do it in mind and leave it there. I can thank God for this lesson; that is a good from it.]
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