This is not easy, not for anyone, not for Christians, even. To strive in love and joy is not only a grace from and with His Real Presence (Father God, Son Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit) but also a desire and effort on our parts.
The effects of this most recent pain siege have lifted, but what remains are the increasing debilitating symptoms of the severe spinal stenosis (spinal cord being pinched off as well as main nerves from facet joints of vertebrae). Plus, I'm learning more about the symptoms and effects of Arachnoiditis.
No, it is not a pleasant "read". The reality is that of continuing progression of the effects of Arachnoiditis. I'm still working on forgiveness, plus of praying for my deeper conversion to and in Christ. Within Christ's Sacred Heart, I can see that time period of my life--over three decades ago--and how with a simple prayer when I felt somehow I was not quite doing as God wanted with my life, that something was not quite right although a spouse, parent, and in a service career--that my life quickly was radically altered.
So God allowed the error in surgery--the rods distended too much causing massive cardiac arrests in recovery. All was rather miraculous: ease of dying, experience of God talking with me, sending me back, and living through more surgery in which now I know what were the botched errors. The surgeon did not mean to, of course. This morning it came to me that he had driven home and was called back late at night; perhaps he'd had some drinks that impaired his coordination or was too fatigued to not make a couple wrong cuts; perhaps in the rushing to save my life, he made the errors.
Perhaps he did not want to admit to what had happened, to why I had such horrific headaches and the pain sieges, the pain that never went away and was severe. Perhaps he did not believe it at first, for he had me tested for various other aspects--including a pain tolerance test to find out how much pain I could tolerate. Turned out I tolerate a huge amount of pain.
He wondered if my suffering was psychological. Thankfully, the Lord had already had Dr. H. in my life through knowing him as he had helped my children with divorce aftermath; and he also had helped me when a friend was the first to tell me in a kindly way, that my perceptions and insights, my dreams and unusual experiences (I learned later the terms visions, locutions, mystical phenomenon) are not what most experience. Dr. H. helped me to learn how to deal with being different in this way, said they are spiritual gifts.
I do know and knew not long after the surgeries, the 18 days in hospital, the miracle that there was no heart damage, the miracle of having lived through the cardiac arrests, the miracle of having encountered God in Person, that the surgeon downplayed the events in the recovery room that night. The young doctor who was called in to help the nurse with me in recovery also came to me, wondering if I remembered anything of that night. He did not want to be sued.
All these memories are coming back. I try not to let them take root at all, for I must live in the Order of the Present Moment--the Order that God announced to me is my order, on March 19, 1996.
Yet, I know the memories of the lead up to and details of the back surgeries are popping up for a reason, and that is surely for me to forgive. I must make sure I have forgiven the surgeon and the other doctor at the time; and after, to forgive all the doctors and physician assistants, the nurse practitioners, and the many other people who doubted my disability, the pain, the ups and downs I experienced with the pain levels from bad to horrific. Over and over and over--the pain sieges surge then subside, ever, always pain. Even the last employer in 1987 thought I was faking--even after the surgeries.
Forgiveness gives us freedom to continue in our striving to live in love and joy of His Real Presence.
What I'm learning of Arachnoiditis is that it is progressive, and that the surgeon I am blessed to have now was telling the truth when he said this next surgery will unlikely be my last--that this correction and continuation of fusion and rods to more levels of the spine will be only temporary and will not reduce any of the pain that had been prior to this more recent spine problem.
Arachnoiditis can develop into more problems for the spine, particularly if lumbar level, there can be loss of leg mobility, loss of continence; and it is stated that due to the difficulty such a patient has with sitting or with standing in one place, that being in a wheelchair is also not an option. So this problem, this diagnosis, is not exactly heartening or encouraging.
Yet, I trust in Jesus. And this morning's Mass reading--the Psalm selection--is a vital reminder to praise God in all matters. I also consider that I've been praying (even asking St. Faustina to help in this quest and clarification) of what is my mission that I'm to be fulfilling.
I also most certainly need to pray for the strength and grace and discipline to enact the fulfilling of the mission. Years ago the Lord said in that death experience, to go back and "rear your children and fulfill your mission." I'm in the mission part now but don't feel or think I've fulfilled what I have not even been convinced I've pinpointed.
With the increasingly limited mobility and energy (Arachnoiditis is why such fatigue as well as many other symptoms), it does seem the Lord is turning more to do the writing that I've always felt I was to do even as a very young child. I've always wanted to be a writer. I guess I am writing at this moment, but is it what the Lord most wants me to write? Is it for Him, is it helpful to others, or is it a catharsis--only of benefit for myself?
Here's the Psalm reading for today's Mass that touched me around 1 a.m. after I'd been awakened with the increased nerve pain:
R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
May God have pity on us and bless us;
may He let His face shine upon us.
So may Your ways be known upon earth;
among all nations, your salvation.
R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
May the nations be glad and exult
because You rule the peoples in equity;
the nations on the earth You guide.
R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
May the peoples praise You, O God;
may all the peoples praise You!
May God bless us,
and may all the ends of the earth fear Him!
R. O God, let all the nations praise You!
~ Ps 67:2-3, 5, 6 and 8
Praising God is one of the highest works of love and joy that a consecrated Catholic hermit is asked to fulfill in his or her vocation. May I strive in love and joy of Christ and others, through a genuine heart of praise of His Real Presence.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Let us love God above all things and others as ourselves!
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