I'm on my floor bed in agony of nerve pain, muscle weakness, flu-like but know from years of experience is pain effects. Pressure in head starting to mount as if top of head could go off and I'd not miss it.
Odd how things transpire. Was rather spunky meeting with the surgeon mid-afternoon Friday. He is hoping I can hold off this week because I really do need better bone density for him to screw in more titanium rods. They expedited the ostoporosis specialists to get me in tomorrow afternoon. Well, how on earth am I going to make it to an appt. even being driven there?
I've called in, and the surgeon's office has called back saying the surgeon really hopes I can make that appointment. Obviously, I will if I possibly CAN. It is not that I'm unwilling. Just for now unable.
So a couple hours after I was rather spunky in the surgeon's appt., I started having the yelling-type nerve pain down the right leg. By 3 a.m. that night I was awake with an awful pain situation. I cannot tell if it is a typical pain siege plus the lumbar stenosis bit of crisis, or that my low back has just decided it's totally done.
By Saturday night, I had to call in to find out what is going on with leg muscles seizing, then releasing, then seizing. I was okay'd to take a strong muscle relaxant. Been on increased pain med dose, as well; it is a drop in the bucket.
I've been praying, trying to pray increasingly for deeper conversions and specifically for those prayer concerns emailed to me or given in other ways.
Someone suggested it is heat; but this hermitage is staying quite comfortable without the air conditioner being on. Maybe there is barometric pressure shift with changes from cooler to hotter? I suppose it does not matter. One must endure suffering.
The surgeon told me what no other neurosurgeon, orthopedist, or internal medicine doctor has been able to pick out from scans, and what my surgeon back in 1987 did not tell me. Perhaps he did not want to, as it was his liability problem, for sure. But in one or other of those back-to-back surgeries--probably the one after I'd died in recovery and was sent back by God--there was a spinal fluid leak. Thus, the spinal headaches that are severe if not curbed from the ever-constant headaches I have had 24/7 for all these years since.
Then, in one of those surgeries, the sheathing of the spinal cord was cut, allowing blood to seep in. That in turn caused nerves to clump. It is called Arachnoiditis. I've since read that most clinicians will never have heard of it. But all the symptoms are there, and the main sentence is severe and constant pain. Yes, indeed.
Saturday I had some tough feelings about finding out this information. The surgeon showed me right there on the scans of my spinal cord--the clumps of nerves; then he showed me healthy nerves dispersed like little pin dots compared to mine that were about 3 or four clumps in one area of spinal cord.
On Saturday while suffering terribly here, I went through a forgiveness process of any doctor or person who'd come to mind who has belittled my pain, denied me pain assistance, ridiculed my periods of seeming up and down, or even mocked or disparaged what are the effects of severe and intractable pain, over the years.
Then I praised God and marveled at how He could keep me going, how He has given me so many graces to push through--to accomplish things that people have said most others without pain could have done. It is His Grace Who has done all, through various means, including my guardian angel.
Perhaps had I known of the Arachnoiditis and the spinal fluid leak years ago, I'd not have had the impetus to push my body so much, nor to strive to be generally joyful and upbeat, and to try so to mask the pain when around others.
Of course, I have not done that well during pain sieges. But when the dark and despairing thoughts came over the weekend and even some today, I do not feel guilty. I have read as part of learning about Arachnoiditis, that those dark thoughts are all part of the symptoms and effects of this type of severe and constant pain.
I've made my reconsecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I have Our Lady of Sorrows statue on top of a high dresser that my great-grandfather built in the late 1800's. She looks down on me here on my floor bed, with the seven swords piercing her heart.
I've watched some saint movies, and one was of the foundress of the Servants of Mary (female offshoot of the Servites). I also learned that Our Lady of Solitude is often intertwined with Our Lady of Sorrows. "Virgin de Soledad" seems very good for this pained, emptied, consecrated Catholic hermit!
Yes, in some ways I've felt abandoned by God regarding the couple of people I have come to know from the current parish. But I disperse those feelings; I know God is wanting me to turn to His Real Presence and through the catalytic converter--His Mother--for all my needs.
Unexpectedly the nearby family member has stepped up to the plate. Did the extra duty of picking up all my refills and a three grocery items, also. Is able to drop me off for osteoporosis appointment tomorrow afternoon but cannot stay due to work conflict. Since I'm not even sure I will have the impetus and endurance to be taken and walk out of hermitage, then into hospital building, then to department am to go to, then whatever is involved in appointment, then back out, to probably a Lyft or Uber back to the hermitage, I must now remain in the Order of the Present Moment extra much--except to take the mind more out of pain--which is difficult even with my rambling writing.
Yet God provides! I have so many blessings! I've considered all the spiritual and mystical graces the Lord has gifted me all these years of suffering. And with the surgeon pinpointing why I've had continued severe pain and these pain sieges every three to six weeks for nearly three and a half decades, I won't have to deal with scoffing doctors in future, nor people who tend to doubt or put-down.
Again, I came across a quote from a saint of centuries past, that the way to union with Christ is by way of the cross. The way of suffering. All this has also made me even more certain of my side-vocation as a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I must draw upon Christ's strength all the more now,trying to get through each hour since I had this rather marked decline since Friday late afternoon.
The surgeon cannot do anything for the damage done from the earlier surgeries; but he said he can relieve this added pain and hopefully in time to not have permanent leg muscle damage and nerve damage. But, he really does need even one injection or the start of medication to help the bone density. Thus, wanting me to get by just a little longer before surgery, just through tomorrow, perhaps. He said one treatment is better than none.
iv'e been asking Virgin de Soledad and Our Lady of Sorrows to provide a favor from Jesus--a miracle of my bone density somehow being suddenly high rather than the very low it is. Let there be enough for the surgeon to have to screw those rods into.
Another rather disheartening bit of news besides my still having to suffer pain sieges and constant headaches, is that he said this surgery is not likely the last. But it will for a time period help my spinal cord to not be pinched off. He can fix this area above the old fusion and rods, but still has to get into that bone growth and the old instrumentation and is not sure how he will manage to do so until he gets in there during surgery.
Yes, of course, I'd rather not have to go through with this. He was aghast that I'd been trying to dig or do much of anything, and I was warned to not dig or lift! Well, the Lord has handled that as I cannot do so even if I tried my most focused mind over matter to do so. I've had to crawl to the restroom once today, and I'm hoping this trend won't continue.
Praise God for all the blessings and graces! The surgery itself is not a big deal at all. Not to me, not when I compare it to all the surgeries burn and bombing and shooting victims go through. It is the suffering that is at issue, and my longing to be united with Christ. it is the vivid recall in detail of my death experience in recovery the night of July 28, 1987, and then the aftermath of the second emergency surgery into the night and morning of July 29.
I then was told by God to return to rear my children and fulfill my mission. It is the mission, again, that I feel I have not fulfilled. But perhaps the mission is simply to suffer. I'm not good at suffering, in my own estimation. I'm weary with it, and this added suffering now and facing more suffering of surgery, when I know the indescribable joy of dying and of being with God on the other side--well, it is not so easy to get psyched up for coming out of this. The surgeon said I won't be digging or planting for a year.
Well, we'll see. But definitely the Lord is turning me away from more active efforts of manual labor. I hope to do more writing and sharing, and I'd even share now of the details of what it is like to die, but I'm too jangled with pain. This blog posting is nothing much other than just spilling out what has been told me, the thoughts jumbling and crumbling like crushed calcium supplements.
I offer all while I'm down for the count--even this jagged post--but especially my love, and the pain and being actually sick with pain, for Holy Mother Church and in union with Jesus for the salvation of souls. Deeper conversions, I pray! Deeper conversions for us Christians, and conversions for those who are not yet Christian! God answers!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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