Catholic Hermit: Striving in Love and Joy

This is not easy, not for anyone, not for Christians, even.  To strive in love and joy is not only a grace from and with His Real Presence (Father God, Son Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit) but also a desire and effort on our parts.

The effects of this most recent pain siege have lifted, but what remains are the increasing debilitating symptoms of the severe spinal stenosis (spinal cord being pinched off as well as main nerves from facet joints of vertebrae).  Plus, I'm learning more about the symptoms and effects of Arachnoiditis.

No, it is not a pleasant "read".  The reality is that of continuing progression of the effects of Arachnoiditis.  I'm still working on forgiveness, plus of praying for my deeper conversion to and in Christ.  Within Christ's Sacred Heart, I can see that time period of my life--over three decades ago--and how with a simple prayer when I felt somehow I was not quite doing as God wanted with my life, that something was not quite right although a spouse, parent, and in a service career--that my life quickly was radically altered.

So God allowed the error in surgery--the rods distended too much causing massive cardiac arrests in recovery.  All was rather miraculous: ease of dying, experience of God talking with me, sending me back, and living through more surgery in which now I know what were the botched errors.  The surgeon did not mean to, of course.  This morning it came to me that he had driven home and was called back late at night; perhaps he'd had some drinks that impaired his coordination or was too fatigued to not make a couple wrong cuts; perhaps in the rushing to save my life, he made the errors.

Perhaps he did not want to admit to what had happened, to why I had such horrific headaches and the pain sieges, the pain that never went away and was severe.  Perhaps he did not believe it at first, for he had me tested for various other aspects--including a pain tolerance test to find out how much pain I could tolerate.  Turned out I tolerate a huge amount of pain.

He wondered if my suffering was psychological.  Thankfully, the Lord had already had Dr. H. in my life through knowing him as he had helped my children with divorce aftermath; and he also had helped me when a friend was the first to tell me in a kindly way, that my perceptions and insights, my dreams and unusual experiences (I learned later the terms visions, locutions, mystical phenomenon) are not what most experience.  Dr. H. helped me to learn how to deal with being different in this way, said they are spiritual gifts.

I do know and knew not long after the surgeries, the 18 days in hospital, the miracle that there was no heart damage, the miracle of having lived through the cardiac arrests, the miracle of having encountered God in Person, that the surgeon downplayed the events in the recovery room that night.  The young doctor who was called in to help the nurse with me in recovery also came to me, wondering if I remembered anything of that night.  He did not want to be sued.

All these memories are coming back.  I try not to let them take root at all, for I must live in the Order of the Present Moment--the Order that God announced to me is my order, on March 19, 1996.  

Yet, I know the memories of the lead up to and details of the back surgeries are popping up for a reason, and that is surely for me to forgive. I must make sure I have forgiven the surgeon and the other doctor at the time; and after, to forgive all the doctors and physician assistants, the nurse practitioners, and the many other people who doubted my disability, the pain, the ups and downs I experienced with the pain levels from bad to horrific.  Over and over and over--the pain sieges surge then subside, ever, always pain.  Even the last employer in 1987 thought I was faking--even after the surgeries.

Forgiveness gives us freedom to continue in our striving to live in love and joy of His Real Presence.

What I'm learning of Arachnoiditis is that it is progressive, and that the surgeon I am blessed to have now was telling the truth when he said this next surgery will unlikely be my last--that this correction and continuation of fusion and rods to more levels of the spine will be only temporary and will not reduce any of the pain that had been prior to this more recent spine problem.

Arachnoiditis can develop into more problems for the spine, particularly if lumbar level, there can be loss of leg mobility, loss of continence; and it is stated that due to the difficulty such a patient has with sitting or with standing in one place, that being in a wheelchair is also not an option.  So this problem, this diagnosis, is not exactly heartening or encouraging.

Yet, I trust in Jesus.  And this morning's Mass reading--the Psalm selection--is a vital reminder to praise God in all matters.  I also consider that I've been praying (even asking St. Faustina to help in this quest and clarification) of what is my mission that I'm to be fulfilling.  

I also most certainly need to pray for the strength and grace and discipline to enact the fulfilling of the mission.  Years ago the Lord said in that death experience, to go back and "rear your children and fulfill your mission."  I'm in the mission part now but don't feel or think I've fulfilled what I have not even been convinced I've pinpointed.

With the increasingly limited mobility and energy (Arachnoiditis is why such fatigue as well as many other symptoms), it does seem the Lord is turning more to do the writing that I've always felt I was to do even as a very young child.  I've always wanted to be a writer.  I guess I am writing at this moment, but is it what the Lord most wants me to write?  Is it for Him, is it helpful to others, or is it a catharsis--only of benefit for myself?

Here's the Psalm reading for today's Mass that touched me around 1 a.m. after I'd been awakened with the increased nerve pain:

R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
May God have pity on us and bless us;
may He let His face shine upon us.
So may Your ways be known upon earth;
among all nations, your salvation.

R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
May the nations be glad and exult
because You rule the peoples in equity;
the nations on the earth You guide.

R. O God, let all the nations praise you!
 May the peoples praise You, O God;
may all the peoples praise You!
May God bless us,
and may all the ends of the earth fear Him!
R. O God, let all the nations praise You!

~ Ps 67:2-3, 5, 6 and 8

Praising God is one of the highest works of love and joy that a consecrated Catholic hermit is asked to fulfill in his or her vocation.  May I strive in love and joy of Christ and others, through a genuine heart of praise of His Real Presence.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love God above all things and others as ourselves!

Catholic Hermit's St. Valentine's Day Wishes!

Happy St. Valentine's Day, dear readers!  

This morning I noticed a posting of Scripture by a friend's friend.  After a night of very little sleep (pain is rugged but am forging forward, clinging to Jesus Christ!) and of renewing my Vow of Suffering (Feb. 13, 2000), the words of St. Paul in the Living Word seems just the truth, beauty, and goodness this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit needs to embrace!

I can hover over each "love-is" and "love-is-not", and then reflect upon any aspects of my day, even, in which the love of God in Himself and the love of others has fallen short.  One other thought that the Holy Spirit put into my thoughts today is that while I forgive others, have I forgiven myself?

No, in many instances of life errors or life sins, or life well-intentioned attempts gone awry--I had not forgiven myself.  I ask the Lord to forgive me; I ask others to forgive me.  But I had not accepted God's love for me enough to consider it is past due time to forgive myself.  God certainly has in His loving union and embrace--and many times over.

We all recognize the following--rather "famous"--Scripture from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Yet do we apply each consideration to our personal lives, in the present moment, or reflect upon how we may have applied or not applied them to situations?  Also, it can be helpful to utilize the Living Word as a means of discerning relationships--loving, not so loving, insecure and needing more prayer.

"Love is patient, 
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres."

And on this Valentine's Day, as on every day, let us take some heartfelt time and heartfelt desire to tell others how much we love them, and also to tell God with all our body, mind, heart and soul--how much we LOVE HIM in Himself, as God Is Love!

Much love to each of you and to God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!  Much love to all our heavenly friends, protectors, guides--angels and soul personages!   God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Prays to Put on Love

Well, wonders never cease.  The Lord has shown my impatience, on the one hand.  Yet it was probably my Christmas Eve phone message to the parish administrator, promising my prayers for her and her family,  my apology for popping off previously, over frustrations, and then I mentioned the couple who was to bring Communion had never made contact, but it was all right.

Four days later I received a phone message--from the woman of the couple who said they'd bring Communion!  I waited awhile to pray and consider before returning the call.  As it turns out, the woman had a bad cold the past month; and perhaps, I consider, she did not know I had been told they would contact me, thus no phone call explaining she had a horrible cold.

It was a good experience, though, for a lot of pain and upset of the past erupted on Christmas Day.  I grieved what had transpired in my Catholic existence over the years, much of it painful.  Yet the spiritual growth also brings with it, fruit.  There is even fruit in recognizing how painful can be the spiritual journey and the stretching that occurs, also, in seeking intently after Christ.  Some lives have a lot of suffering; and the eremitic vocation is not easy at times, either.

Before returning the woman's phone call, I determined to stick with the truth of my situation.  She had already been told some, and that telling, my couple of spiritual friends and I felt, would make the couple wary--and thus my assuming they were not going to be in contact.  So in the conversation, I mentioned this with humor, and I also honestly mentioned that I hope somehow the couple bringing me Communion will be the beginning of some healing and grace of courage to once again attempt Mass in the parish.  

It just seems to me that if parishioners and priests can get over what may seem an odd phenomenon, or resist judging that it is something other, and be pleasant, get to know one another at a simple level of trust and kindness and humor, we will all be better off.

Yet, I am still quite interested in researching and writing about the treatment of mystics in the Catholic Church.  When did the harshness begin?  What are some of the hypotheses as to why the practice of scrutiny and being the devil's advocate began in the first place?  Why have Catholics continued with the hurtful practice, even if they have ceased physically killing the persons who are spiritually sensitive and different?  Does such treatment of mystics occur in the Eastern Church or in other rites within the Western Church?

The couple plans to bring Holy Communion on Sunday morning after they go to the early Mass.  She said they will see how it goes.  Yes, I will, also; yet my hopes are raised high but with the reminder to self that if the outcome is not as I wish, that I will not react with upset or hurt but will try to be patient and trusting in the Lord Jesus to show me His path forward.

Yes, I emailed the couple of spiritual friends as well as Fr. V., to mention my impatience proved me wrong in this, and the couple is willing to come, and will come, God-willing and provided no obstacles in their way this Sunday.  At least the woman knows my hopes, and I continued on with truthful disclosure for I at one point thought if I ever would attempt another parish, I would be better off lying and just saying I had narcolepsy.  At least then, their might be pity rather than scrutiny.  

But not telling the truth is never right, of course!  It was at least an ironic thought--to lie in order to be accepted and not shunned, in church!  Deceive priests and parishioners in order to avoid persecution. Much better to express truth and pray to move beyond the minor but admittedly kind of rare obstacle.

The optional first reading for today, the Solemnity of the Holy Family, contains excellent advice--prudent and wise counsel!  May I take it to heart and pray to put on each attribute with great faith that as you, dear readers, we are all God's chosen ones, holy and beloved.  I had better once again pray to forgive those with whom I have grievances.  

Most of them would not have given it another thought--that there might be grievances against them, in my thoughts, for their behaviors and reactions toward one insignificant and easily forgotten person.  Yet I remember, and remember far too much and to a negative degree.  Forgiveness on my part is crucial for healing and health.  I am considering going to sacramental confession--that only--but first am making contrition to His Real Presence in my heart, mind, and soul.

Since the surprise phone call, I have been better able to focus on manual labor.  A closet is framed and part of another; some additional drywall is installed; and I am tediously scraping 104-year-old painted newspapers from a wood ceiling upstairs and removing numerous tacks from that ceiling so that more tongue-in-groove ceiling wood can be nailed in properly.  

(Amazing how some old paper and little tack heads make installing tongue-and-groove difficult simply from the added bit of obstacle.  So it is with my thoughts, emotions, and spirit when there are bits of vices poking and prodding and prohibiting smooth progress toward, through, with, and in Christ Jesus!)

Ah, this bit of Living Word from Colossians 3 fuels my desires for loving Christ all the more, for striving once again to put on love: the bond of perfection!  There is much I must pray to have altered in my life, though; it will take effort and diligence on my part to practice more and more, the virtues and stave off the vices.

"Brothers and sisters:
Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,
heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,
bearing with one another and forgiving one another,
if one has a grievance against another;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.
And over all these put on love,
that is, the bond of perfection."