In the previous post I went on some about the confusing and rather bizarre situation in which the fate of my having spine surgery needed to make space for my spinal cord which is increasingly being squeezed off is being delayed due to low bone density--when the process to try to get medication for such is inexplicably not happening when at least for one medication, it could be in my system ten days already.
And the prayer of deeper conversion has brought forth a sense of being able to share in Christ's view of matter--opened up a whole other possibility, in that perhaps the odd situation of two PA's basically having the say-so over when and if I will have the direly needed surgery, is because His Real Presence wants it to be this way.
It is truth that He Who is all powerful and all knowing and ever present has much more over two PA's and much more over the likes of me--other than when I seek deeper conversion and surrender myself to His Real Presence: fully.
So what if being paralyzed is God's will--a better outcome than what He sees the surgery would provide? What if being paralyzed is God's will also because it will stop me from spending time and energy removing heavy and impervious weed barrier that is buried somewhat in about any area a person would want to plant flowers, shrubs or trees?
What if being paralyzed from lumbar/waist down would keep me from all the active distraction of painting walls and taking up carpet to install wood floors, and to frame and install three or more windows, and to replace the interior doors here in the hermitage?
What if God needs to pull me back from even this much activity and creative physical work--the ora et labora that I love as it helps distract me from the physical pain? What if He needs me to focus only on writing and sharing, witnessing, and if part of my mission in life is suffering--to suffer immobility and still have pain, as the pain MD said I will still have pain and would thus need a reclining wheelchair as I cannot sit for long without the pain building and getting out of control.
So this morning when I awoke yet wondering and having surrendered myself and this medical situation and all else to God, I read the first reading from Mass. Here's what I found which struck this pained, down on the floor, seeking deeper conversion, consecrated Catholic hermit as never before.
From Acts 16: 6-8:
"They traveled through the Phrygian and Galatian territory
because they had been prevented by the Holy Spirit
from preaching the message in the province of Asia.
When they came to Mysia, they tried to go on into Bithynia,
but the Spirit of jesus did not allow them,
so they crossed through Mysia and came down to Troas."
Then Paul had a vision when they were in Troas, showing him where next to go, to Macedonia.
In confession I mentioned how this portion of Scripture hit me full-blown as it is an outright example of how the Holy Spirit can and does block and prevent us from doing or having certain things happen in our lives--when to us (as it surely seemed fine with Paul and a good thing to go to the province of Asia to preach the Good News) it might seem quite logical and even beneficial to God and to our spiritual lives, vocations, missions to do this or that..
...only to have what we thought logical and others even think makes sense and ought to happen, to be hindered to a point of: not going to happen either soon enough or at all.
Of course, in my case with my legs and continence, while there now have been two times in which I thought one of my legs was done for and had no idea if would come back to any feeling, it still could work out in time to have the needed spinal surgery.
That is, spinal surgery needed in my and some other's view that it is the reasonable thing to have done compared to the seeming illogic of being paralyzed and still have pain.
However, God's ways are not our ways. And, although the surgeon had told me in person that the low bone density is not optimum, he said the urgency of the severe stenosis is such that it needs to be corrected surgically and said two weeks ago, would be this past week scheduled for the operation.
I'm rather more excited about having my view opened to the reality that even St. Paul had what seemed logical and good and surely God's will, to be prevented from happening. How did he deal with that? He went elsewhere--where he was not being blocked from going. And he did not know until he got to Troas that he'd have a vision showing him where to go next. For all St. Paul knew, he was going to preach Christ in Troas.
Perhaps what I also have neglected to mention is my prayer for blind faith. It is not more faith that I've asked for, nor to have faith in general, but I need blind faith. I need to trust God without seeing, without thinking so much, without needing to know exactly what is next or when, or if at all.
And I do need to not be sniping about those who are in the health care industry who are trying to help in their own way that they know to help, and with their personalities and favorite ways of certain treatments or medications, or even if there is a bit of a sense of wanting to control a situation sometimes, to have a bit of power of position--whether or not that is part of my scenario example.
All I do know now is that I am sure this Scripture this morning is a signal from the Lord, from His Word, to affirm that the Holy Spirit is preventing the surgery--not really the surgeon's PA or the osteo PA. The Holy Spirit has to use some means or other to enact God's will in our daily lives, especially in rather turning point moments or phases. But it can also be in the tiniest of details not so emotionally or physically, painfully laden situations.
We are to do all we can do in any given situation to progress what we think and others think through logic, discernment of spirits, and in what seems best over all practically and spiritually, and then surrender to the Divine Will with grace and kindness, with humility, docility, and love.
Slipping into even mental thoughts, as I had done by the time more craziness seemed to be rampant in the pain doctor's office calling to say they'd gotten a call for him to write off clearance for surgery as they still had me on the docket for this past Friday--and then finding out I was some kind of "place holder" but not at all going to have surgery--well, I was not kind in my silent name-calling.
Some colorful terms, two of my late mother's and one my late father used to say in times of frustration with people--laughable in a way but not nice. I suppose better than cursing but still even my dad used to also advise: Unless you can say something nice about another person, don't say it at all. So I did go through a remorseful time of it the other night, confessing to His Real Presence how awful I'd been with thinking: Dimwits! Dumbclucks! Knuckleheads!
Now I realize I am each of these terms and all of them cumulatively. The Holy Spirit is preventing what I so think and the pain doctor and also the surgeon the one time I spoke with him thinks in the surgery needed or.... Or, whatever His Real Presence wants for my life here on earth or in purgatory or hopefully some day, heaven.
My job now is to fully surrender to His will, continue to remain in His love and to, for pity's sake--love all others! No more of the sinful and throwback silly name-thinking. Stop the frustration by seeing as Christ views this matter as He has a view of all our matters big and small. Keep trying to suffer as well as possible.
And get on with it! Try to do what I think is part of my mission by suffering as well as I can knowing God is pleased with our trying. And also write or speak or both of spiritual matters of His Real Presence and relating with our daily lives. Share some of the many things that the Lord has taught me that are more of the supernatural side of our spiritual lives, and tidbits I have learned regarding God and what He has for us such as are we called by the names we have now, or do we have heavenly names?
But get on with it! If I am wrong, and what I think are not my mission in life, then His Real Presence will prevent or block me. He can and does do that, after all--to St. Paul and other saints and mystics through out the centuries and ages, and he can do that for me. It is not that He does it "to" us; He blocks and prevents "for" us--for our good and well being, and to fulfill His will in our lives be we on this earth or living on the other side.
As I mentioned to the priest, and it brought a smile to his face: I'll either get with it and fulfill my mission on earth or will be doing it for all eternity in purgatory.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Remain in Christ's LOVE!
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