It's been a tough couple of days. All was going well following appointment with pain specialist, and then this old consecrated Catholic hermit went on an errand which required some walking in a large store to stock up in readiness for the surgery the surgeon said would be scheduled for this week. Fine and well, although the legs are heavy from the spinal stenosis increasingly squeezing off the spinal cord.
I stop for a second errand to return three tiny tree starts in exchange for two that are better suited, and my left leg became numb--waves of numbness cascading down and into the foot. I knew I must immediately get back to the hermitage. Walking to my Precious Blood (burgundy red pick up truck that is the most comfortable for back pain of any vehicle I've had in past 35 years), the foot and leg felt like it was asleep, and my right leg and foot were doing the work of walking with my left kind of like a stump being half-slid, half-plunked down.
Called and left message at surgeon's office as this was a new development, and tossed in that the night before, both arms and hands had gone numb and were "flopping" for awhile before sensation returned: another new and alarming symptom.
Eleanor, the surgeon's nurse whom he had told me was like his "quarterback" and would be scheduling the surgery plus last week getting me into the osteo specialist to at least try to get the process going for bone density treatment of some sort, called back. She said these symptoms were definite worsening, and she'd pass the information on to the PA, as the surgeon was [yet again] away until Friday.
I got down on my floor bed once home but after clumping the stump and bringing it along as if some alien appendage, as I brought in a couple perishable items for the refrigerator. I remained down on the floor bed until the next morning other than managing the few feet to bathroom and two trips to kitchen for water bottles and food brought back to eat.
Eleanor called back and said surgery tentatively scheduled for Friday, to go off the medications that cause thinned blood, and also go off all the supplements I take. She said I'd need to get in to see the PA in the morning for assessment, and that surgery also was pending the surgeon's approval upon his return, but that otherwise they'd do the Mersa swab and finalize.
This morning feeling had come back--not to the previous leg strength, but a relief to not have it numb or as if "asleep". (Even in my previous ordeal years ago of discs being out and damaging nerves, have I experienced a leg going out on me like that.} So I made it in for the appointment, only to be told by the PA that I could not have surgery due to not enough bone density for the rods to be screwed into; the surgery would not be successful due to that.
There is much more to the interchange that was most disheartening and also held some inconsistencies. For one thing, it was inconsistent with what the surgeon had told me just ten days ago, but perhaps he'd changed his mind? Seemed odd. The more tension there was, the more it all just seemed like a horrible reality unfolding--very hard to take it in and to grasp!
The osteo PA has come up with yet another test of scientific curiosity, as my calcium shows in blood to be on the high end of the normal range. Perhaps, he wonders, I might have hyperparathyroidism? Of course, persons at most risk are those who are on steroids. I'm not--and on a few other meds that I'm not nor have been. Yet, it is fine to check--other than it will take another several days, and I was told he'd want to then submit a medication that I cannot afford and insurance--he already told me does not pay much if at all--to my insurance. It will take a month to get a response from them.
I went over this bit of fact with the PA, saying so that will be including the added test he wants to explore, 5 or so weeks more. Am I to remain on the floor all that time, and then I still do not have more dense bones? I cannot take the medication that has some bone building qualities--9% one study says--and takes months and up to a couple years. So the PA mentioned at least if I had this other medication--. I explained to the PA that the medication she mentions is fine, other than it does NOT build bone but is used to stop bone deterioration. But that is fine with me--but when?
Amidst this news, I had to simply give up. The nurse, Eleanor called me not long after, telling me to go back on all meds and supplements since I'm not having surgery. But then she said, "Be sure to call us if you get any more symptoms!" I asked her, "Why? Why should I waste your time or waste mine? If I cannot have surgery due to my bones not being dense enough for screws to stay in [Yes, I'd asked the PA if surely there is not some glue product that is used in such cases and was told "No".], what good would it do to report if my leg goes out again or if I develop incontinence?
I reminded her that I am just trying to wrap my head around the reality that without surgery, I am facing a life of being floor-ridden, a full invalid. It is just a matter of time. She said well maybe something could be done, and I should be seen if I had more worse symptoms. What can be done? So then she said to check in with them, though. I said that of course, if they want to know how my life is going, I can let them know sometime later on.
Lord, have mercy on my soul!
Two nights ago--a first for me since my dearest Spiritual Da left this earth for the other side, to be a priest forever in the Order of Melchizedek--I heard him talking to me when I was deep into either sleep or a state not of the temporal. He was telling me of the importance, the crucial importance, of humility. That is all I remember, but just that is enough and all I need to remember.
Is today's situation good for my humility? Is it a test of my humility? I must pray and ask, listen and ponder.
Yes, I was deeply discouraged. I called the pain specialist's office to leave the news, and they got me in three hours later. It was good, as I said it would be helpful to just talk over this situation unfolding, and to try to figure out some sort of plan, if any.
He's referring me for a second opinion with a different surgeon in the same group, but still hopes I could somehow have surgery with the current as he is known all about as the best. Yet, he also said if I could somehow actually go back to talk with the surgeon--not the PA--and even ask if possible to do a laminectomy as a temporary relief of the spinal cord being pinched off at the L3-4 at its worst, and then go back later on after anything might change with my bone density. That would at least keep me from losing mobility and continence for now.
It's not easy to get past the PA's. He said try Friday or Monday, when the surgeon is at least back, but it might be a wait to get in to be seen, as in weeks. I asked how long might I have with this situation of my legs, and of course, no one knows but God. While I got feeling back in the left leg, the weakness is definitely worse today than yesterday morning before the alarming symptom.
I will try weight-bearing exercises--just unpacked some small weights the other day. Will research what are best, although the pain specialist mentioned a couple. But walking--stay away from walking much. Yet I must try to do what will bring joy, happiness, and goodness for whatever time I can, so I will do the "wheelbarrow" lift with my actual wheelbarrow and try to plant whatever I can possible manage, as gardening is good for the soul, and the redounding of beauty of God's creation lifts those who pass by, and as I pray and offer God's beautiful flora back to Him, it reflects God the Creator all the more.
A small thing, but it is what will be helpful in all this, and what the Lord knows is a gift He's given me, out of love for me but also in appreciation for how I beautify with what He creates and offer it to others who wish to appreciate and offer it back to God. It is all love, all love.
And, of course, the Lord may cause some other shift in this turn of events, but as I said to the pain specialist who is a strong Christian as we have talked of such, and we have a good understanding of one another in the spiritual aspects, "The Lord does not seem to be unfolding surgery for me, for whatever His reasons, and I must accept whatever He wills, whatever He is doing in this." The doctor said it certainly seems as if doors are being closed, but to not give up, to try to ask about the laminectomy as a stop-gap measure, and to hope I get into the other surgeon to whom he is referring me.
So then when someone lets me know there is yet ongoing detraction of my writing, I can only chuckle but pray God to deal with this sad and pathetic one so ensnared by what, I'm not sure--other than the devil fuels such ceaseless compulsions. The person said the detraction is so spiteful and wrong, that could not stomach it. The Lord will handle the situation in His just and true ways. I'm assured of this.
And the Lord continues to bring what readers He wills to this site, and for whatever small way any might benefit--or not at all--I simply keep writing what comes from within to without. And such as this post, it is quite personal and of a situation I, as a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed these past 18 plus years, face when just 24 hours ago I was scheduled for surgery that would help me have a chance at retaining mobility of body.
However, as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, and having already asked Our Lady of Sorrows, aka Our Lady of Solitude, to help her hermit here in solitude to facilitate some sort of favor of her Son, that my bones be dense, or I add now that somehow my legs do not decline further--that seems to be my best and most solid hope and chance over anything the temporal has to offer medically due to the bizarre turn of events this morning via the surgeon's PA.
I do well know that many people face paralysis, although the pain doctor told me I'd still have pain. A reclining wheelchair, he said, might help since I cannot sit for any length of time (at all!) due to the previous spinal surgery's unexpected outcome of a rushed botching by the surgeon--not intentionally, of course.
Humility. One must accept God's will as part of being humble. And perhaps I was not humble-seeming this morning when I pointed out some discrepancies to the PA in what she was saying; or in her seeming confusion over a medication's purpose and effect. Humility might have been to have just kept quiet and not show my stunned self, my shock at the total turn of events which have to do with--yes--only my temporal body and potential change of life style in a major way.
I'd not be the first mystic to be bed--no, for me: floor-ridden. I am much of the time already. Humility requires greater detachment than I've ever considered as requisite to humility. Yes, God's will be done in all matters, including upkeep of hermitages, upkeep of bodies, upkeep of medications for I have decided to not go back on the ones not desirable for surgery just in case the Lord brings something other about in that regard.
God's will be done, and His will is not set in stone in each circumstance. He asks us to have hope, yet hope is also connected to humility. Hope must be humble enough to face that our hopes might not be how God wills the processes or the outcomes. If we hope for what is above, what is of the Spirit, what is spiritual and of God's view--deeper conversions is a good hope always--then hope will be fulfilled in the hope we hold dear.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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