Absolutely exhausted with pain this morning. Big day yesterday of being driven a couple or three places as a guest, and must quietly be a presence for two granddaughters who are not used to me--nor my sense of humor, I might add! It does not take much for my pain to spike from sitting or going or doing. But I cherish the time for it's been a very long time.
Also, it is quite something to recognize that the other grandparent so ill with terminal cancer, is in as good a condition in some ways, and has less pain, takes less pain meds at this point, than must I. So that reality of what I've read of Adhesive Arachnoiditis is rather starkly true: Arachnoiditis has the pain of cancer but without the gift of death. Nonetheless, this morning I am reminded to pray for the other grandparent for a peaceful passing.
No parts of this visit ought to do with me other than it is a personal blessing to just be here, and to experience their lives and in short exchanges of which I admit I have not particularly been edifying. I remain mostly in bed other than yesterday when I knew to be "up" as much as the mind could push the body, and to appreciate all--and my "go along to get along" modality of also praising God that I can increase pain meds but also utilize His gift to me of high pain tolerance, as it is.
I reminded the daughter of my dad, her granddad, and his totally upbeat and positive attitude in life--even up to the last evening prior to his passing! I invoke his memory much due to myself needing the reminder of a positive attitude no matter what. And the Scriptures in the past days have been effectively reminding me, as well.
I even considered how foolishly even thoughts of whatever temporal aspects of hurdles to be surmounted in canon law or whatever other aspects the bishop desires, I must not dwell upon. Even such as those aspects take me from the inner heart of Jesus, from the peaceful and joyous serenity in Him that is so far from anything temporal. Remain in His Love. If any of that becomes much more a distraction, then I must flee from it.
Dwelling within pain seems more intimate in Christ's love than wondering how or if to approach or deal with the problem of my driving myself a distance after Easter to be spiritually discerned. I realize if the bishop grasped, or his chancellor grasped, my dilemma, surely and easily they would come up with a Plan B on having me vetted. But most definitely, the vetting process is necessary and understandably so.
If there are hermits out there who are not sincere nor genuine in their hermit calling and hermit life, in their love of His Real Presence and ability to live in the silence of solitude and so forth, the CL603 has provided means for a bishop to screen hermits, which I understand, and would not want to have such a person not truly called or disposed to hermit vocation, to be deemed a hermit in the diocese or Church. The only hermit types of which I'm aware that seem more into the active apostolate of life, or more publicly promoted, have been a couple or so CL603 ones.
And all this stuff of the logistics of how to even get to where the person is who will screen me, at least initially, is so far from where my heart and soul wish to be, where my mind and body, even, are most comfortable, that I must stay clear of it until after Easter--unless best to deal with the driving issue better to just lay it out now than wait until then. I had also been drawn into the temporal distractions of legalism yet again, recently, by the CL603 hermit who tends to find my thoughts and blog presence disagreeable.
But surely once my CL603 vetting is over, decided and done, surely there will be no more need of such types of temporal distraction--necessary as are canon laws now, on such matters--just as we have secular laws that have become necessary, just as God realized the Ten Commandments had become necessary. We humans are sinners!
I rather like this selection from Isaiah 58:9b-14--and find comfort, humor, and wisdom in the lines about being called "repairer of the breach" and "restorer of ruined households." I certainly could do well to learn to earn the privilege and goodness of being one who repairs breaches and restores ruined households. Every line of the Isaiah 58 scriptures provides challenging positives to try to live daily!
Years ago, when the spouse no longer wanted to be married, I considered that we had ruined what could have been a loving and years-long, temporal household without up-ending the lives and security of three beautiful, innocent, young children! I did not want that, but looking back can see that the Lord allowed and for various other reasons. We cannot control others' lives or how they determine to live them.
"Thus says the LORD:
If you remove from your midst oppression,
false accusation and malicious speech;
If you bestow your bread on the hungry
and satisfy the afflicted;
Then light shall rise for you in the darkness,
and the gloom shall become for you like midday;
Then the LORD will guide you always
and give you plenty even on the parched land.
He will renew your strength,
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring where water never fails.
The ancient ruins shall be rebuilt for your sake,
and the foundations from ages past you shall raise up;
'Repairer of the breach,' they shall call you,
'Restorer of ruined homesteads.'
"If you hold back your foot on the sabbath
from following your own pursuits on my holy day;
If you call the sabbath a delight,
and the LORD's holy day honorable;
If you honor it by not following your ways,
seeking your own interests, or speaking with malice--
Then you shall delight in the LORD,
and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;
I will nourish you with the heritage of Jacob, your father,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."
Here, as a guest for another day or so, even if I uplift with some encouragement--as I did the other day with the daughter, reminding her of how incredibly marvelous to so kindly and generously have a mother-in-law living for several years and being so ill, and not wanting to go to a nursing facility which might lift some of what will come in the next days and weeks. I admitted that I doubt I could do it!
(Well, I don't know if I could or not, even if I'd like to think I could! We do not know until put into the situations. With my own mother, I wanted to but could not have tended her at home due to my back situation and pain issues--the pain sieges that had me down for unknown amount of days. She needed lifting and oxygen and pulmonary therapy treatments. My house then did not have a ground-floor bathroom, etc. My mother also had nursing home insurance which helped immensely with affordability, and she ended up enjoying the variety of persons who tended her and visited.)
But even if a loved one is best off in a nursing facility, I reminded the daughter that if a person is in a nursing facility, and depending on the personality of the dying patient, an advocate is needed to check daily or often to make sure the loved one is receiving the proper care being paid for. (My mother wanted me to come daily, to read to her, to converse, to do her laundry in the way she preferred, to make sure the aides and nurses provided her the care she desired and needed.
So in some ways, as long as the dying person can receive basic care and does not need specialized care, being "home" is a privilege and blessing. However, I will not demand that of my children when the time comes--if I do not pass suddenly or rather quickly. They had to tend me in pain sieges as children and teens; they've helped with the head injury and shoulder surgery and this latest back surgery.
As long as I am financially prudent, I will manage with God alone or with help hired, and then in a humble nursing facility, and will assure them they do not need to come daily, for death to me is beautiful--having the blessed benefit of the 1987, glorious death experience. I will accept whatever the Lord provides--if loved ones wish to visit or if they prefer not, if the aides and nurses wish to tend me proficiently or if not.
(I do need to get my Last Will and Testament updated--another temporal task of legal matters. Perhaps the coronavirus will be the way He's chosen for me, from this world into Him in all aspects, no more temporal distractions or anything! Another reason to not be concerned with having to drive a distance after Easter for my CL603 screening and vetting by a third party who will advise the bishop. We never know the day nor the hour of our passing over into the totally spiritual realm, and from, out of, this life.)
I want to be as a "watered garden," guided always by the Lord, like a spring in which water never fails, and be as a repairer of the breach, be called a "restorer of ruined households"--which seems appropriate for such as the likes of me to pray and strive in, up to my last earthly breath. Be a gracious guest no matter where I find myself in life and in death and after--as a guest in purgatory, even! Be a guest!
God bless His Real Presence in us on this Sabbath Day of the Lord!
