Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Up in Night, Thoughts and Prayers of Forgiveness

 Unable to sleep.  Wake up most nights with pain again.  Pump med increase is effective for a while, then the progressive nature of Arachnoitis pain or could be the body adapts or some of both, plus can be added sufferings such as this on-going sinus problem.  The infection might be under control, but the sinuses are still jammed somewhat for I get off-balance.  As a result, no progress on the manual labor in here of which there are many tasks to be done.

hat But my prayers and concerns are for the people of Ukraine and what Putin has next planned in his dictatorial mind.  I am also very much concerned about the economy of this country which affects any of us who are very low income and investment blessings are dwindling from the unstable market.  The expenditures I have made will need to be eventually paid, and after four surgeries my body and the constancy of suffering, my body is not functioning as well so hiring help increases costs.  I'd have loved to have the place ready to sell and for me to get into a smaller, temporal abode.  This one was for the project it is, and the peaceful neighborhood of which behind is a common area of beautiful nature: a true blessing!  I moved in three months prior to finding out the type of extensive and quite serious back surgery needed as well as the reality that I have Arachnoiditis and have all these years since back surgeries and death experience between them, in 1987.

My existence is so far removed from that of the people of Ukraine, or the lower economic income persons of which I am in this country, with the exception of blessing of my parents' modest gift to my sisters and myself upon my mother's death which has allowed a home and for now still some to purchase materials to renovate with the idea of selling when finished and increasing funds enough to provide payments for costly end of life care.  These are realities for many low income people and this hermit whose pain disability ended my career and ability for consistency in work following those 1987 surgeries.  Along the way, I had the responsibility of rearing three children and helping with college costs, as well as my medical expenses as I could not get insurance until 65, and then only by a miracle with a loophole law some social security worker had heard of, in which I could purchase the medicare, paying quarterly, due to the former spouse having more than enough credits from years in successful career and the marriage lasting to the year of required length.  God provides!

I've had another reminder of something that occurred for which I am so sorry even if at the time the situation was such that made it difficult to visit an elderly friend who had increasing dementia to no memory.  I won't go into the details, but some of the difficulty was in my own emotions and stamina as well as two persons who had taken over the woman's life, essentially, and made it uneasy to have privacy in visiting.  Also, the facility was painful to be in, for me, due to the experience of my mother's suffering and difficult care situation, and death, in that facility.  I've begged God's forgiveness and that of the elderly friend, now in heaven.  It was wrong of me, or so I feel; I should have been able to overcome the variables and obstacles not only of my emotions and experiences in that place, but to forge through.  But I was in the wrong, and have regretted my weakness in not visiting more, even with her mind in some other dimension much of the two or so years before she passed.  The best visit I had was when my aunt let me know (I did not live there by now) the friend was in the hospital.  Since her mind was foggy, in and out then, to the temporal reality, I took my harp and played hymns I knew she'd like. After some chat in which she mostly spoke of a stuffed dog that she had named and thought real, I began to play.  She showed in her face the pleasure and memories the hymns brought of her life as a Christian, active and generous in the church of my upbringing.  She was a close friend of my mother's as well as of mine, and in those last couple of years, I failed her, or so I have felt and did at the time, also. When I played "How Great Thou Art" on the lap harp, tears welled in her eyes and trickled down the nearly 100-year-old cheeks.  She was also, at the conclusion, able to verbalize how much that one meant.  She drifted off to sleep, and soon after the visit she was sent back to the nursing facility, in the "Sunset Unit."  

Anyway, this Lent the Lord is not only reminding me of situations of which I was wronged by Catholics, and to forgive and learn to brush any and all reminders of past out of the way, I am also being shown those whom I've wronged, such as my dear Methodist friend, a marvelous Christian woman I'd known since my childhood and into adulthood.  She'd been deeply grieved by my conversion to Catholicism as had the other long-time friends and family, but she was one who could move beyond that even if she'd remind me of how people wept and worried about my having become a Catholic.  She'd repeat as her mind began to slip, of my dad having broken down in tears when she and another from my hometown were at a restaurant while visiting my parents in a retirement community they'd moved to in the West. Dad who I'd never seen cry, was upset that I'd become Catholic. 

Despite what she shared of others and her upset over my becoming a Catholic, and a devout, sincere one, called by God to the Church for His reasons, she remained a dear friend, I had dropped the ball in her final three years, or so I feel and think.  The guilt hanged over me, in me, of which I think is accurate--my being in the wrong.  I believe she forgives me as many time I've asked her forgiveness in my mind, speaking to her aloud and within.  And God forgives me as I've asked Him to forgive me, also many times aloud and within. of which once can be enough for God!  But now for myself to forgive me--and then to forget it, move on from it; instead, remember the wonderful times spent with over the years, and the loving friendship we shared.  I now look forward to a blessed and joyous reunion in eternity.

And in the night, now, I pray to put behind concerns of my pained body and inability to do more manual labor, but instead to pray to complete this house project over time, and to downscale of which was the plan.  Renovate this house for whomever Jesus chooses to live here--likely a family as would be lovely for a family if God wills.  Keep trying to do manual labor even if I'm slowing down in bodily ability--now  with this sinus infection.  I'm kept for whatever God's reasons, from more time for the manual labor which provided house progress as well as meditative and even contemplative prayer. God would sweep me up into Him or shower my mind with thoughts of whom He wished me to pray more consciously.  

Now the time for manual labor is when the body is well enough and when little Mercy is in her crate for morning nap or shorter afternoon nap--if I am not also needing rest at those times.  Although I'm in His Real Presence and He is in me all the time, in all places temporal and spiritual, there are distractions with a pup. Some very good ones when we are able to go for walks and Mercy reminds me to notice God's world in specifics of nature.  Or when we encounter another dog walker--and always no matter what, I'm shown prayer needs from brief conversations with the persons.  

This, now, is in the Order of the Present Moment, as are the prayers for the people of Ukraine as well as the economy of our country; and right now the reminder to myself, in the night, that God provides.  He always provides for needs in the way that He perceives and knows what is best. It is good to ask the question, "What is the worst that could happen?" when faced with challenges such as finances--temporal as they are--and realize God has many options no matter what might transpire, including our passing from this life to the next, no longer financial security or anything temporal, necessary.  Praise be to God!

 

So many thoughts have strings attached to the past memories, even recent past, of decisions made and situations unfolding, and of course we do not know what is to come in this temporal world.  What we do know is that God provides, even if not in the ways we want or think should be, and there is really not much of a worst that can happen because we keep going, simply keep going, until Jesus comes to take us with Him, for those of us who are His followers and love and believe in Him.  As for others, they are waiting even if they do not know it, to be taken from this temporal world and have an opportunity at judgment with His Real Presence, to choose Him or not, and even then there is eternity one way or the other.  I pray all souls choose God's way and to be with Him forever, in glory!

This waking time in the night, all the thoughts and memories, the forgiving others and self, the repentance, the asking God and others to forgive my wrongs.  God reminds me how vital to learn to stay more in the present moment. God is reminding me this Lenten what and who and the process of inner clearing out.  Remember the good times, persons, conversations.  Then practice brushing aside that of the past for which I've forgiven and of which God has forgiven, as well.  Pray in the present moment for all souls in the present moment no matter where they may: in the temporal or otherwhere.  Pray for all souls' situations.  Love all souls as God loves, and know that God always provides.  In God there is no "worst that could happen."

Now, pray to get some sleep before morning comes and little Mercy whimpers to wake me, ready to go outside for morning bodily needs.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love in His Love!

Catholic Hermit: Contrite Heart; Penthos; Mournfulness

As for mournfulness, I consider these additional, inner traits of the mind, heart, and spirit: penthos and contrition.

The Psalmist reminds us that the Lord desires not holocausts or sacrifices but rather a humbled heart and contrite spirit.  Contrition comes from the root contrere, meaning "rub together" and later, "ground down."  To be contrite is to not just feel remorse and sorrow for something done that is wrong, sinful, but to actually experience the contrition, the remorse and sorrow.  One's mind, heart and very soul rub up against the wrong thought, word, action that the conscience reveals.

Asking God for forgiveness and also making amends and trying to right the wrong--the sin--brings brings contrition to refreshment and peace.

Penthos represents the Greek personification of guilt, remorse, sorrow.  The word has evolved to the action of mourning, and in Christianity, the mourning and sorrow over guilt of sin be it individual sin or collective guilt of the sins of mankind.  There is a spiritual gift that comes sometimes--unexpectedly so as graces are bequeathed by God--when contrition, repentance, and a deep, inner grasp of the guilt of sin is essentially washed away by what is known as holy weeping or tears.

Perhaps closest to mournfulness is penthos, for there is a good in mourning for our sins and the sins of others.  Yet mournfulness can move from the good of its purpose in sorrow for sins and in contrition's remorse but also in the outflow of repenting, of conversion from sins and making amends for wrongs be it of our own sins or in reparation for others' sins, for collective sins of which we as part of the human race all share, one with another, in various degrees and forms.

Yet mournfulness can become an attitude and a modality of daily life which may not be helpful to the soul or to others, and not what God desires of us.  I consider and reflect upon Isaiah's  [Ch. 58] exhortation of the type of fasting that pleases God (and surely is of best soul benefit, in His divine will).  

"This, rather, is the fasting that I wish:
releasing those bound unjustly,
untying the thongs of the yoke;
Setting free the oppressed,
breaking every yoke;
Sharing your bread with the hungry,
sheltering the oppressed and the homeless,
Clothing the naked when you see them,
and not turning your back on your own.
Then your light shall break forth like the dawn,
and your wound shall quickly be healed;
Your vindication shall go before you,
and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer,
you shall cry for help, and he will say:  Here I am!"

While fasting is a form of making right our sins, we must first recognize our sins whether personal or collective, and then forgiven by God, to go forth and make amends.  

Another aspect of contrition for our sins that God desires, is humility of heart.  The Psalmist sings an excellent prescription for contrition, penthos, reparation, and the freeing, joyful, merciful love of God's forgiveness.

"Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me.
For I acknowledge my offense, and my sin is before me always;
'Against you only have I sinned, 
and done what is evil in your sight.
For you are not pleased with sacrifices;
should I offer a burnt offering, you would not accept it.
My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit;
a heart contrite and humbled, O God, you will not spurn."

It is not easy for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit to express the present moment, personal thoughts, for mournfulness does have its place in our spiritual lives.  I suppose it comes down to knowing when mournfulness is no longer necessary, such as when we are forgiven.  Or when mournfulness is not helpful, such as in discerning what attitude and action God prefers if our mournfulness becomes rather habitual or a learned affect from environmental situations and role modeling.  

Being forgiven is truly, in faith, a full and complete God-forgiveness of our sins.  Weeping, guilt, sorrows, and mournfulness is to give way to peace, uplift, joy, freedom of spirit--yet still with humility of heart--a heart brimming with the healing spirit of God's Love.

Thus, perhaps I am seeing and learning something of myself, already in Lent.  Perhaps it was sensing the mournfulness in not all but somewhat in the affect of my own perpetuating of what can sometimes be learned behavior and attitude in certain worship situations or in regard to certain topics and stances Catholic.

I have been mournful far too often and for extended time periods in situations not best serving the Lord in mournfulness and somber visage of face and inner disposition of mind and heart.  I can have remorse for this learned aspect and what effect it may have had on my son when a youth.  In addition to my physical suffering and sorrows of unfortunate life hardships, I was too often mournful and thinking this was the way of being a serious Catholic.

I'm not going to berate myself beyond a humble and contrite apology to God and asking forgiveness for whatever ways I was not a positive nor accurate witness to God's mercy and forgiveness.  And I will express my apologies to my son, praying for the best time and format to do so.  It may be today, or not yet.  In making reparation for our wrong doings whether intentional or not (mine was not at all intended in this case!), we must pray for wisdom of the Holy Spirit for those we may have affected may not be receptive at the same time we realize our wrong doing.

A contrite spirit and humbled heart, however, is not at all mournful.  The mourning period is past, long gone with the very first inkling of offering God our offense(s) with accompanying asking Him to forgive us--to wipe clean the slate of our hearts.  And in His mercy, He can heal the memories that we humans can tend to keep cluttered with our sins beyond the good of their being benchmark lessons to help keep us from temptation to repeated sins....

When are the times in our present moments when our hearts sing?  Or are our hearts laden with on-going mournfulness, especially in certain situations that could and perhaps ought be forthright yet promisingly joyful?  

I today ask these questions for myself of Jesus, of the Holy Spirit, of God the Father, and of Mother Mary--for I desire his mercy and love in the fullness of forgiveness no matter how many times I sin or grasp the collective sin of humanity.

[Note: To gain a beautiful and beneficial understanding of penthos, I highly recommend a book I read several years ago that covers well the truth and beauty of recognizing our sins, expressing remorse, asking forgiveness, making reparation, and having appropriate grieving-turned-to-joy of salvation.  The title is simply, Penthos; the author is Ireneus Hausherr, SJ.]