Illegal Catholic Hermit: Hermit Watchfulness and Humility

From the Forty Texts on Watchfulness (nepsis) by St. Philotheos of Sinai, no. 39 and no. 40:

"39.  An unexpected event or misfortune considerably disrupts the mind's attentiveness; and, by dislodging the intellect from its concentration on higher realities and from its noble state of virtue, it diverts it towards sinful quarrelsomeness and wrangling.  The cause of this overthrow is assuredly our lack of attention to the enemy's attacks.

"40.  None of the painful things that happen to us every day will injure or distress us once we perceive and continually mediate on their purpose. It is in account of this that St. Paul says:  'I take delight in weakness, insults, and hardships' (2 Cor 12:10); and:  'All who seek to live a holy life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution' (2 Tim 3:12).  To Him be glory through the ages.  Amen."


My day today has been that of increased pain, but I am plowing through with having prayed and read more of Galatians and some commentaries and writings of saints and popes regarding the intent and meaning of what St. Paul exhorts and explains.  Was up in the night with too much pain, and that remains the effects of this day, thus far. I still hope in God to be able to dress and do a little bit of manual labor.

The sunshine is glorious, and I'm ever grateful for all the good God brings:  many blessings!  My delight in Scripture is noted; as I was praying the Divine Office and reviewing Paul's Letter to the Galatians, I realized just how alive does God's Living Word become within, and how much Scriptures delight me.  It is as God is explaining all, answering any and all of my wondering thoughts, and giving me great peace as well as courage.  Joy and peace are two of several fruit of Scriptures--even if we see an aspect of which we desire to improve our minds, hearts, and souls--and also bodies, for the Lord cares about all aspects of our lives.

The devil did up-end me some upon waking, for I must have been dreaming of some aspect of past, of a most happy time in life when children quite young, and time with them treasured in my heart and memories.  Such a blessing from God to have sent me back to rear my children and fulfill my mission (of which I continue to not know for certain, other than praying that somehow I am in some way fulfilling the mission He wills of me). 

Loving Him, being close in Him, writing of Him and sharing with Him of my life and innermost thoughts through writing and more so of all the other intimacies between myself and God throughout the day--surely that is part of my mission in this life.  My soul increasingly in love and focused on Christ Jesus, my Beloved Spouse, and of my loving God above all else and in Him, loving others as God loves us all: purpose and mission, could be!

As a convert to Catholicism years ago--after resisting for at least ten years prior to my Confirmation--I have always related extra-much with this Scripture selection from the Gospel of Matthew 15.  In writing out this excerpt from St. John Chrysostom's homilies on these Scriptures, especially do I love the fact that the woman is not put off but persists in her selfless request, born of love of her daughter and faith in Jesus to help rid the demon from her child.

"When she came up to Jesus, The Canaanite woman just said these words:  'Have pity on me' (Mt 15:22) and her repeated cries drew a large crowd of people. It was a touching sight to see this woman crying out with such great feeling, a mother pleading on behalf of her daughter, a child who was so severely possessed....  She didn't say:  'Have pity on my daughter' but 'Have pity on me.'  'My daughter is not aware of her plight, but I, I experience sufferings in profusion; it makes me ill to see her in such a state; I am almost out of my mind at seeing her like this.'

"Jesus answered her:  'I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel (Mt 15:24).  Now what did the Canaanite woman do when she heard these words?  Did she lose heart?  Not in the least!  She urged him even more.  This is not what we do when our prayers are not answered:  we turn away in discouragement whereas we ought to be pleading even more insistently.  Who, it is true, would not be discouraged by Jesus' response?  his silence would have been enough to take away all hope....  This woman, however, does not lose heart; to the contrary, she comes nearer to him and bows to the ground saying:  'Lord, help me (v.25)....  If I am a little dog in this house then I am no longer a foreigner.  I well know that food is necessary for children..., but it cannot be forbidden to give away crumbs.  They should not be refused me...because I am a little dog who cannot be pushed aside....'

"It was because he foresaw her answer that Christ delayed to grant her prayer....  His replies were not intended to cause this woman pain but to reveal this hidden treasure." 

Absolutely love the elements of humility and of abject nothingness in these Scriptures.  Jesus loves the lesser, the least of these:  the anawim.  I have been also reading St. Augustine's thoughts on Paul's Letter to the Galatians, as well as other saints and magisterium writers.  The answer within begins to take shape and form; the pleasure of His Real Presence in each of our lives unfolds when we seek and being to find in the silence and stillness within.  All is well and all shall be well; St. Julian of Norwich repeated this from the Holy Spirit.  Yes, all shall be well!

Going to light a candle by Our Lady of Solitude/Suffering here in Solus Deus Hermitage bedroom where I will renew the Vow of Consecration of Suffering I offered, with my late Spiritual Da receiving and witnessing, 20 years ago today.  The vows and offerings made from within our hearts and souls, and prompted in the mind by the Holy Spirit to formulate and then discern with spiritual father, do mean much to God and come from within our depths of intentions and love of Christ Jesus.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

Catholic Hermit: Hermit Vow of Consecration of Suffering

Last evening I renewed my Consecration of Suffering.  Nearly 20 years ago I first made this vow, of consecrating every aspect of my body, mind, heart, and soul in its suffering, to seemingly every aspect of whatever God can use of my constant pain--in addition to all types of suffering a human being could possibly face in a lifetime.

Since Padre Pio became a canonized saint, I have renewed the vow, consecrating myself, on his feast day, Sept. 23, which is also the day he passed from this earth exactly 50 years since he received the visible stigmata--wounds on his body as Christ's wounds were on His.

My first offering was made in the presence of my spiritual director, my venerable spiritual father, my spiritual "da", as he became over the 24 years he guided my spiritual journey and matters of my soul.  Some years I renewed the vow aloud in the presence of whatever priest of whichever parish, in front of the altar in the sanctuary (privately, only God, the priest, myself, and various angels and saints present).

Some years I would list the particular saints included that year.  Other years I did not list them; the paper upon which the Consecration vow was written is rather full.  Then when in the farmhouse Te Deum Hermitage, I could not some years of the 5 1/2 there get to the file cabinet in which I keep my important papers.  The couple of times I could get to the file, I'd renew the vow on whatever day, with God alone and the angels and saints, and any from the other side invisibly with me.

Now that I am more unpacked and settled than in several years, alone here in Solus Deus Hermitage, I renewed the vow of Consecration of Suffering in the invited presence of my spiritual da, now himself on the other side.  This may seem strange (but not to many of you), but he sat across from the end of my bed in an antique, green leather upholstered chair from my childhood.  (There was a set of the two chairs--diminutive with graceful lines, the chairs--and one of my sisters has the other chair, or at least was given it by my mother when she divided the family heirlooms prior to her passing.)

Since the spiritual da is without his temporal form now, I renewed the vow by silently reading each word, rather marveling at the profundity and broad scope, the full and heart-felt intention--and also bemused some at my intensity and in some ways way beyond what I could possibly then have known just how serious and all-encompassing would be my holy and sincere offering of all aspects of suffering.

One line reminded me of a major locution I'd received--out loud, it was, one morning in mid-summer, 1995.  I awoke with pain, of course, and heard a strong, firm voice make more a commanding declaration as opposed to a simple comment or suggestion.  "By the power of this locution, your suffering and the suffering of Holy Mother Church SHALL BE MADE ONE."

Now, a locution such as that one would think not easy to forget.  For one thing, the sheer fact of hearing a voice in one's bedroom speak out loud like that, when one is wide awake and has not even yet been confirmed into the Catholic Church, should be so utterly unusual it seems impossible to pack away and forget.  Yet I have for the most part.  There is always so much occurring in daily life with all the pain and suffering on-going, and the effort extended to try to manage the various pains and painful situations plus live out the responsibilities and pray be for others far more than self at least through love and prayers.

Plus there are various locutions, visions, mystical experiences, interactions with the Holy Spirit, God the Father, Jesus Christ, angels, saints, souls in heaven and purgatory, odd temporal experiences--the mind tends to flow from one to another; and all the more I learn increasingly (not perfectly) to live in the Order of the Present Moment, I factor that the mystical events of the past are safely utilized in God's timelessness.  My human mind could not possibly keep all of these experiences in the forefront.  

However, such as in the renewal of each word, each thought, each offering to my spirit-spiritual da last evening, the clarity and vivid actuality of the locution over 24 years ago was as real and powerfully shaking as it was then.  I recall at the time I did not even know what is "Holy Mother Church."  I had not met my spiritual da yet, although within a month or so, would.  So I asked the priest who the Lord had told me would be the priest I was to go to when I was to convert to Catholicism.  I asked that priest, "What is Holy Mother Church?"  

He said it was an old term for the Catholic Church and didn't know much more, he said.  Well, I'm sure he might have or could have, but he was rather a tricky one with temporal moodiness and intemperate bouts of charm and anger, kindness and resentment.  It became so severe and directed toward me, the more he insisted I tell him my spiritual life and the more I shared, that when the Lord had me mercifully meet who was to be my spiritual da, the spiritual da told me that St. Teresa of Avila herself said "better no spiritual director than a bad one."

Anyway, last night I was all-over-again stunned by the remembrance of that particular locution.  The intensity of the "shall be made one" once more reminded me of just how serious the suffering I've been bequeathed, and how spiritually imbued it is, and how bonded in the power and love of the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Mary, the angels and saints, the Church in all aspects, essences, persons living and dead, on earth and in heaven.

That very locution, and why not quite five years after its pronouncement I had then placed it within the context and content of this vow of suffering--I can only assume, along with all the other words in the consecration, are inspired by the Holy Spirit.  While I an laugh at my lengthy vow of consecration, indeed it does cover everything that I'm fairly certain any human could possibly conceive to include.  Maybe St. Thomas Aquinas may have added something more?  Or he, being the great theologian and writer, might have done far better at consolidating the offering.

Regardless, I know yet again, perhaps more so than ever before, that the Lord has asked of me, bequeathed to me, and joined all suffering that has been, is, and will be in my existence, in an ineffable union with all that is and was and shall be of God's Holy Church.  

I've learned since (and it does make sense to me now) that the Holy Spirit used the term "Holy Mother Church) to emphasize that the Church is as a mother to her members, as the Church is the Bride of Christ.  I was but a few short weeks from my confirmation as a Catholic; it is at least personally significant because as a mother to her members, all the other churches from the time of Christ (and thus Christianity) have had their origin or have derived from her--the Catholic Church.  

At some point, I may or may not share my consecration to suffering with my current parish priest.  I rather doubt it necessary, although it might be helpful to him in some way regarding the vast size of the parish and his mention to me in confessional one time, that he had so many parishioners who suffer yet do not grasp the value, do not have the joy that he noted in me.  (Well, I definitely pointed out to him as I do to you readers or anyone else, that my joy in suffering is as imperfect as a human being can be.  I struggle very much!  

Yet I dared listen to a prompting of the Holy Spirit in February, 2000, and on Feb. 15 of that that month the Vow of Consecration of Suffering flowed out of my body, mind, heart, and soul.  I'd discussed this prompting with my spiritual da, of course, prior.  In his quarters just off the old chapel, I knelt on the floor and repeated the words, and he as priest who by then knew me better than anyone ever on earth, witnessed in fullness of being and signature. 

I recall his smile and Irish voice asking if that was my very blood inside the small, outlined heart-shape down by the line for my own signature.  He was amazed in a way, yet found the rightful humor in my somewhat sentimental but heart-felt drop or two of shed blood from a small finger-prick.

I know I've written of this vow of consecration of suffering prior--perhaps in a post of my Victim Souls of the Sacred Heart blog.  Or perhaps I have shared it in some past year of this blog.  I don't recall having shared the content, not the complete fullness of it.  I'm not sure I'm to do that, to share the full-page wordage with other people.  Perhaps sometime I will share the aspects or categories covered; but you can think through if you were to offer your own sufferings, what all the Holy Spirit and your angel might prompt you to include.  

I cannot advise others to make such a vow of consecration of suffering.  It is dangerous to do so, I suppose--and especially not with a holy priest or bishop spiritual director who knows his spiritual son or daughter well, through and through, and who is well-grounded himself and guides one in spiritual balance and maturation.  The reality is, that one can offer something so beyond our understanding and fathoming, and requires such faith in that one must be prepared to trust fully in God and hang on to Him for dear life, with all and of whatever suffering is asked and of which God allows.

Last night I also asked Padre Pio again to forgive me of my wrong, my sin, long ago, as he'd warned me of a trick of the devil coming, and I did not recognize nor avoid it.  I've asked him to please guide me yet again, if God so wills.  St. Pio of Pietrelcina certainly knows suffering; but of course, Jesus knows perfectly, suffering.  Whatever God wills--for I now am facing more suffering than prior not only with the spine pain worsening with age (despite this surgery's pain outcome) plus various other human sufferings involved when one seeks union with God more fully.

Well, the Lord knows.  And I know that what all strength, courage, perseverance--whatever virtues--needed will be given me in whatever means and with the assistance of whomever the Lord chooses, for me and anyone intently sincere and devoted to seeking union with God with complete abandon.  (And as to complete abandon, of course we do not know exactly what is "complete"; we offer with as sincere a full abandonment as we can fathom in the present moment.  God knows  and is ALL.)

God bless His Real Presence in us!