I, an illegal Catholic hermit, at least for now (and according to one or more am a fraud, counterfeit, pretender, illicit, and bad hermit to what amounts to the past 19-plus years), increasingly find myself finding love, clarifying light, and Christ's peace in the writings and life of St. Paul--himself an unworthy apostle by his own admittance.
This morning prior to Mass I renewed my Consecration of Suffering, a vow that I'd even lost track of the exact date--but it is Feb. 15, 2000, not as I thought yesterday, the 13th! I realize the Lord does not care of dates, other than there is a certain blessedness of anniversary, of jubilee years, of marking what is holy and sacred in renewal of what we offer the Lord of ourselves. I decided it would be lovely and from my heart, to renew this vow, 20 years old tomorrow, when I'd be in the day chapel, before the altar, in the solitude of silence and with solus Deus: God alone!
For the past many years I've renewed this vow and consecration on the Feast of St. Padre Pio, Sept. 23--ever since his canonization. But the 20-year anniversary seems fitting for me to renew on the actual date. When I got out the vow itself, signed by myself and my late Spiritual Father, there was the exact date, as well as the various priests who received my renewal of this vow and the years hence, marked, plus the various additional saints I invited and acknowledged in each subsequent year of renewal. This year I included the Twelve Apostles as heavenly witnesses, as well as my Spiritual Da in heaven, my parents, and St. Philosopheus of Sinai and St. Paul.
Vows and consecrations are of great importance. I tend more in the leanings of St. Paul and of the various saints and Magisterium of whom I've been reading their writings, regarding laws of man and laws of God, of the primacy of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as the Living Word and of the Alpha and Omega of all heavenly and earthly matters: the First and the Last.
Even in the historical chronology of St. Paul's conversion, he writes:
"Immediately, without seeking human advisors or even going to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before me, I went off to Arabia; later [we don't know how much later] I returned to Damascus. Three years after that I went up to Jerusalem to get to know Cephas, with whom I stayed fifteen days. I did not meet any other apostles except James, the brother of the Lord....
"Thereafter I entered the regions of Syria and Cilicia. [He states no one had any idea what he looked like; they'd only heard "he who was formerly persecuting us is now preaching the faith he tried to destroy."] Then after fourteen years, I went up to Jerusalem again with Barnabas, this time taking Titus with me. I went prompted by a revelation, and I laid out for their scrutiny the gospel as I present it to the Gentiles--all this in private conference with the leaders, to make sure the course I was pursuing, or had pursued, was not useless. Not even Titus, who was with me, was ordered to undergo circumcision, despite his being a Greek.
"Certain false claimants to the title of brother were smuggled in; they wormed their way into the group to spy on the freedom we enjoy in Christ Jesus and thereby to make slaves of us, but we did not submit to them for a moment. We resisted so that the truth of the gospel might survive intact for your benefit. Those who were regarded as important, however (and it makes no difference to me how prominent they were--God plays no favorites), made me add nothing.
"On the contrary, recognizing that I had been entrusted with the gospel for the uncircumcised, just as Peter was for the circumcised (for he who worked through Peter as his apostle among the Jews had been at work in me for the Gentiles), and recognizing, too, the favor bestowed on me, those who were acknowledged pillars, James, Cephas, and John, gave Barnabas and me the handclasp [approval] of fellowship, signifying that we should to go the Gentiles as they do the Jews. The only stipulation was that we should be mindful of the poor--the one thing that I was making every effort to do" (Galatians 1:16-2:10).
There is so much more I could cite and write, but what is so certain is what the Holy Spirit places within my mind, heart, and very soul of the affinity with St. Paul and of his writings to the people of Galatia, and of St. Paul's insistence of living by the law of God and of being true in the Holy Spirit. The heart and soul sense when the Lord is speaking, is touching it, is anointing with breath an insight or touch of the Holy Spirit. I particularly am struck by St. Paul's words: "to make sure the course I was pursuing, or had pursued, was not useless."
This came about some 17 years or more likely 20 years after St. Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus. (We do not know how long he stayed in Arabia, but some have it at three years; but Paul states he spent after Arabia, three years in Damascus, and another 14 years in the region of Syria and Celicia.) So approximately for 20 years St. Paul was following the lead and inspiration of the Holy Spirit--not approved by, not overseen by, St. Peter or any others of the twelve apostles.
I know the Lord is answering my prayers for guidance in my current situation, of which I admit I do have a type of weight, or of going sideways or even some steps backward, to pick up what seems in some ways unnecessary other than in the ways of the temporal, of what is perhaps useful in apprising a bishop or a diocese chancellor, of what I've been offering, professing, living out under the direction of holy priests, for the past twenty years.
In essence, this is what St. Paul determined to do after what is likely 20 years of his life, post conversion and being chosen and sent by God to fulfill his mission. I've pondered the past couple of weeks, the freedom and joy of the Holy Spirit, such come with the offerings, professions, and vows to God that well up from within the heart and soul--bequeathed from, by, in His Real Presence: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I'd have to add up the years between Christ's crucifixion and when St. Paul went to Jerusalem to apprise and coordinate with, to receive a handclasp of approval of their missions and purposes, with St. Peter (Cephas) to whom Christ had given "the keys of the Kingdom" and said "upon this rock, I shall build My Church." Perhaps the time lapse was around 37 years, total? Well, probably fewer years than 37, but the relationship and comparison is not lost on me.
It seems as if I will be asking for a handclasp, of and for what the Lord had already chosen me, to be His hermit despite my ups and downs of distractions and drifting, then being pruned all the more, pulled back onto the narrow path, with that hermit vocational path become increasingly narrow and glorious, and not at all decreasing in spiritual validity. Yet in the temporal ecclesial law, stated and established in current form 37 years ago, my hermit path, mission, purpose is not that of the canon law, even if other aspects existing for centuries, and also that which is stated in the 1983 canon are same but for the "handclasp," in effect. And I am not underestimating the "handclasp" or the good and rightness of coming to "Jerusalem" to seek understanding and agreement with Cephas.
I just find it all amazing and wondrous, and this is the only way I have the peace of the Holy Spirit in this current process of time set aside to travel to Cephas in Jerusalem, or in effect to await discussing with the bishop or through his chancellor, if the course that I had been living and pursuing, or am pursuing, was or is useless. When the the Holy Spirit places matters in the context of the Living Word of God, which is truth, beauty, and goodness, and the peace of Christ fills my mind, heart, and soul, then I see a point, a purpose, a goodness in what otherwise the Lord has chosen and blessed me in pursuing and living in the eremitic life, these past 20 years.
As for the vow of consecration of suffering, there is no ecclesial entity of which I need to gain approval, agreement, or handclasp; priests have approved this offering of which they have witnessed that God has ordained. It is my life of suffering that pours itself every present moment, day and night as an immolation for Holy Mother Church, for me to consciously accept God's declaration to me that my sufferings and the sufferings of Holy Mother Church shall be made one!
There are no church laws requiring public profession or ecclesial approval, nor were there any canons in the time of Cephas and Paul, but there was yet a hierarchy of which St. Paul was right in going to Jerusalem to discuss with St. Peter (Cephas) what was his path, his purpose, his mission with the Gentiles, and to acknowledge that St. Peter's path, purpose, and mission was with the Jews. Both paths, purposes, and missions were to live, preach, and glorify Christ and Him Crucified.
In my nothing, poor gray dove, humble currently-illegal Catholic hermit status, should the bishop not wish to accept my hermit vocation with whatever manner of process--a simple profession of my vows into his hands or private Mass (but he'd need to be told of my situation of ecstasy during Mass and my spine fused halfway up so no lying prostrate, stomach-side down on the ground as part of a ceremony) then I will simply be God's Hermit--not a legal (by church law or canon) Catholic hermit, not an illegal Catholic hermit, but God's Hermit. That actually is the most accurate as far as discerned but private revelations in the past twenty years.
But I will say this: I loved and had tremendous joy in the times of my hermit life in which the Lord called me Himself, "My nothing" and "My poor gray dove." And the name He told me I will be called in heaven, reminds me of my path on earth and after. These terms of humility and of endearment mean far more to me than any designation on earth--not my "Dr." secular title nor if a title as a diocese hermit, a legal Catholic hermit or even an illegal Catholic hermit (the latter which I actually prefer in its least and lesser aspect). Just my genuine and honest thoughts and feelings. I love that St. Paul calls himself an unworthy apostle, the least of the apostles, and so forth. St. John the Baptist was clear in that he was unworthy to even loose the ties of Jesus' sandals.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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