I found this selection written by Baldwin of Ford, 12th c. Cistercian abbot and later, Bishop, to be apt on this 20th anniversary of my vow of consecration of suffering. I awoke with so much pain, that it is well to be reminded of what all the suffering is offered. To Whom, for, why, with, and what it all entails--of which the following helps focus me and gives me strength to hang on in Christ, through the high level of pain of which medications merely take off an "edge." (But I am most grateful for that or any "edge" lessened. I truly could not bear it, and the Lord knows and has provided what most merciful bit of temporal help. Thank you, Lord Jesus!)
"Jesus broke the bread. If he had not broken the bread, how could its portions have come even to us? But he broke it and distributed it, 'he has dispersed and given to the poor' (Ps 111:9). Through grace he broke it to break his own and his Father's wrath. As God has said: he would have broken us if his Only beloved, 'his chosen one, had not stood in the breach before him, to turn away his anger' (Ps 106:23). He stood before God and appeased him; by his indestructible strength he stood upright and unbroken.
"As for himself, he willingly broke and offered his flesh, broken down by suffering. There it was that he 'shattered the power of the bow' (Ps 76:4), 'crushed the heads of Leviathan' (Ps 74:14), of all our enemies, in his anger. and there he broke, as it were, the tablets of the first covenant so that we might no longer be under the Law. There he broke the yoke of our captivity. he broke all that was breaking us to restore in us all that was broken and to 'set the oppressed free' (Is 58:6). For we were, indeed, 'bondsmen in want and in chains' (Ps 107:10).
"Good Jesus, even though you have broken your wrath, still, today, break the bread for us who are yet hungry, poor beggars that we are.... Each day, then, break this bread for those who hunger. For today and every day we gather up some crumbs, and every day we are in need of our daily bread again. 'Give us this day our daily bread' (Lk 11:3). If you will not give it to us, who will? In our destitute and our need there is no one to break bread for us, no one to feed us, no one to restore us, no one except you, O our God. "In every consolation you send, we gather up the crumbs of the bread you break for us and taste: 'how sweet is your mercy' (Ps 108:21)."
There seems a direct correlation between my renewing my vow of Consecration of Suffering, yesterday morning before Mass, in the day chapel of Church, and the added challenges that were given me yesterday and today. Challenges to bear various forms of suffering, the least probably being the physical pain--yet that makes it harder to detect how the devil is also allowed to try to weaken the resolve and mitigate the power of the genuine and loving offering of my pain to the Lord, all these twenty years.
From the vow of Consecration of Suffering, I offered and yet offer as sacred all my suffering: past, present, and future--pains of rejection, humiliations, insults, physical ailments and injuries, emotional distress, mental depressions, spiritual torments and doubts, remorse due to sins, loss of self-identity, ignorance, pride, and human failings. I offer all pain I have knowingly and unknowingly caused or will cause to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, the angels and the saints, and any holy creatures or holy creation.
I offered and yet offer myself (body, mind, heart, and spirit) as an immolation for Holy Mother Church, to consciously accept God's declaration to me that my suffering and the suffering of Holy Mother Church shall be made one. I offer to suffer now and forever, if this be the will of God, as reparation for the pain of infidelities, assaults, dissensions and indignities caused to Holy Mother Church by myself, any laity, and any religious persons in the past, present, and future.
There is more, such as making this vow by the grace of God, the love of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the maternal protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary..... This statement, though, today I find to be important for me to remember and live out. I pray to respond and react to all suffering with Jesus' love and to inspire with love, those who may be the cause of my sufferings.
I include other aspects, such as making the vow and of offering self in all aspects, including choosing and accepting whatever includes greater self-mortification with the guidance and approval of my spiritual father. Vows of consecration of matters of difficult and major temporal and spiritual importance and depth, ought be discerned, guided, approved of by a holy and wise priest, with years of proven experience in spiritual life and direction, of faithfulness and service to Christ and His Church.
Then comes the various witnesses and reminder of for Whom and what I am making this complete fiat, this total offering of self as an immolation. And from whence did the inspiration, the deep and heartfelt desire arise from within my mind, heart, and soul for such a vow of Consecration of Suffering? It came from His Real Presence, from that innermost part of my soul--the understanding, the intellect, and the will and beyond those parts of the soul in which the soul abides in Christ's Heart, in His Love. I did add, in handwriting, this personalized portion of Scripture that came to me as of value in summation: May the Lord be pleased to crush me in all my infirmities.
["And the Lord was pleased to crush him in infirmity: if he shall lay down his life for sin, he shall see a long-lived seed, and the will of the Lord shall be prosperous in his hand" (Douey-Rheims Is 53:10). "But the LORD was pleased to crush him, putting him to grief; if he would render himself as a guilt offering, he will see his offspring, he will prolong his days, and the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in his hand" (New American Bible Is 53:10).]
So it is that I must remember my avowal, the first time reading all of it kneeling while doing so, and my late Spiritual Da the in persona Christi. In subsequent years it has been some parish priests as well as a monsignor--given the honor of this designation after years service as Cathedral rector, Diocese Chancellor, Vicar General.
Otherwise, in years of increased hermit solitude, I renewed the vow with Christ alone as my witness, as He was, and all the apostles and Virgin Mary, and the various other saints canonized and otherwise, and angels I included yesterday in the day chapel. I noticed in 2008 I added this request of Jesus: Lord, please crucify me once and for all. Thy will be done. I have no reason to doubt that my request has and will continue to unfold according to God's perfect plan and Divine Will.
Back in 2000, I pricked a finger and placed a droplet of blood in a small heart I'd drawn, at the bottom of the page. My late Spiritual Da was particularly touched by that gesture, small as it was, for I--as St. Paul or whomever the author of the Letter to the Hebrews wrote after much --have not yet suffered unto blood (Heb 12:4).
Well, today is half spent, and I must do an act of charity which requires effort in pain management--all offered to Christ for the uplift and good of souls, of Holy Mother Church, of all the various ways and means of which my vow of Consecration of Suffering is meant all these years. Much suffering has been offered and has in reality passed from my small self to whatever expansive ways the Lord has been able to utilize what to me is much. "To whom much is given, much will be required" (Luke 12:48).
God bless His Real Presence in us! Dear Jesus, please help us learn to love as God loves, to love God in Himself and others as He loves!
[Postscript: The last time, several years ago, I wrote of my vow of Consecration of Suffering, the one nemesis had quite a bit of negative innuendo to state of my little drip of blood--attempting to make of it some terrible wrong, a perverse ritual or demented action. Of those who wish to deride and twist of my loving and beloved heart of and in Christ's Heart, my consecration includes such as these who do not grasp how much Jesus is pleased with the human and heartfelt fiats as long as not harmful, of course. What Christ desires, wills, and finds even precious of His beloved children's simple, symbolic offerings are heartfelt tokes of love to Him. My body has not suffered from the loss of a drop of blood; far more has been lost in surgeries, blood draws, and the bloody head injury, for sure. Mercy, was blood all over the place and on me! It is usual in the spiritual life, for some to be ready and wanting to pounce--the wolves in sheep's clothing or even those who think on different levels than do others, those of us who are sensible yet sensitive to the nudges of Christ in our hearts, and us in His. Keeps us focused in faith and hope in God, and very much on our effective toes!]
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