The parish visitor, A., brought Eucharist around noon. The nausea from last night and this morning has kept me down; I was at the point of emotions getting more hold than not. I had inwardly told myself to not speak, as Angel has had a busy week and particularly busy day. But emotions took over; pain and this nausea took over.
But I got a grip, yet again. After consuming His Real Presence, the Holy Spirit prodded me to simply state that it is my own ego that brings this current distress, in that I cannot be or have or do what I want.
I wanted to at least get up and go for a walk, or try sweeping up some leaves into a standing-handled, larger binned, dust pan that arrived, thanks to Amazon and finances enough for the minor purchase, and above all other: God's providence.
The best I've done is to get up and take bowl and coffee mug back to kitchen after Angel left, and return to bed to sip on more of the fresh ginger-tinctured hot water, and then try the strong ginger beer (a very strong type ginger ale). After another hour, took pain med, and after yet another hour, I might try getting up again.
In the interim, A. had mentioned the plight of her beloved mother. Too much to go into, but I later texted that sometimes people who are in abusive relationships come to accept and endure in them perhaps like kidnap victims or prisoners adapt to or develop an alliance to captor or captive situation in a type of imprisonment--a type of Stockholm Syndrome.
I considered this thought that came to me within, in the on-going conversations with God, pathetic as my side of conversation can be when struggling with my own flaws and consequences of sin and this intractable pain. I considered yet again, this pain and the living death sentence of Adhesive Arachnoiditis increased symptoms, as a captor, with me as the prisoner.
I texted A. a bit more of how captives of any type of imprisonment, might only have a means of escape in acceptance or alliance of sorts, other than the ultimate freedom is if and when we turn to Christ and remain in His Love, as the only true means of escaping the temporal sufferings of whatever type or form our "temporal captors" take.
Only when we develop an alliance with His Real Presence (Father, the Son Jesus, Holy Spirit) can we endure and survive the temporal captors. Our minds, hearts, and spirits can then be far from what imprisons when we abide in Christ. Prayer, all the more. Remaining chained yet at peace in hibernation.
What I wanted for today is not yet occurring as far as getting up and doing a few tasks that would be so temporally wonderful for my physical body, and also would feel selfishly and psychologically good in my wanting to push through this pain, to not have the added nausea. As for a major cause of emotional sorrow, I realize my purpose should not be of even whatever I have possibly done in word or even in being a negative reminder to someone I love dearly who has not been responding no matter what attempt on my part.
My purpose must be to pray for healing of whatever type needed in the person (and I'm realizing in all persons!--inner healing for whatever wounds are within, that I may have caused without any direct idea of what it might be this this time, or whatever other of wounds from the world, from whatever aspect of this and all persons' lives.
While one call or message from the person would lift the emotion of pain, my desire to hear from the person as a balm or as some sort of reassurance, is actually quite selfish. My selfish wants have distracted me from the praying I should have, could have, been offering for the person's busy life, for healing of whatever wounds--as there are always wounds and potential for wounds in any given present moment, in any past interchange or communication, in any situation whether or not intentional or not. I believe that intentional wounding of others or even of self, is as rare as Adhesive Arachnoiditis. Not many truly intend to be a trigger point of woundings.
Dying to my own wants goes beyond setting little goals that are always a potential for disappointment in physically not feeling well enough to follow through. Dying to my own wants has to do with all wants of self, of ego, of even what a surgeon says is best to try or do. Dying to my own wants includes living for God's wants. What does God want? Live for what He wants of me!
God's wants of us, His will for us, is always reasonable and within the possible of what we can do. He is not willing me to get up and go for a walk or to tidy up, or to do anything at all when the body is not able to do so when pain, or the captor "nausea" is beyond what the mind can escape. But today I can read the Scriptures, and I can write on this blog and share what thoughts and little situations. I can pray for the porn site belonging to some person in another country, who I now realize has hacked or somehow repeatedly logs on to my posts. I doubt the person or group of people with the tell-tale domain name are reading a word--not that my sharing in writing is helpful to even the good-purposed readers.
Dying to what we want, though, and considering living for what God wants of us, might be helpful to those with "smut sites" online, as we can assume dying to self would help people with porn addictions or temptation to sexual sites. Sex is not a sin; but various aspects involving sex can be.
Dying to what we want as opposed to living for what God wants is a valuable consideration for anyone, but especially meant for me today.
Living for what God wants and wills, helps my attitude and perspective to radically alter from a sorrow of heart for what all it is of me that is not what others have wanted or needed of me, and of which often enough, I'm not really clear about what that might be. But God wants me to pray for others, and to pray for myself; He wants me to be forgiven, to ask for forgiveness of Him, and to also accept the times when we might not be forgiven by others, or at least not with the part of forgiveness that can forget.
There are scars involved with wounds. Scars can be reminders of being captive, regardless of what type of captive, what type of imprisonment. Scars themselves can cause us to be reminded of captivity, and thus in essence, keep us imprisoned. Dying to our wants might well include keeping ourselves from looking at or reminding ourselves by the scars we bear. Living for what God wants, dying to what we want, tends to keep our eyes off our scars--physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.
This line in Isaiah does not deny gloom and darkness, it does not discount our lowliness. But it does point to the truth of a truth that we will always find joy in the Lord. And joy in the Lord comes when we die to our own wants and live for God's wants. He wants us to spiritually rise and leave our temporal captors and imprisonment; we can do this without moving a physical muscle. He wants my love. He wants our love. He wants His love to become our love.
"And out of gloom and darkness,
the eyes of the blind shall see.
The lowly will ever find joy in the LORD....
~ Isaiah 29:18-19a
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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