Today, being the Second Sunday in Advent and also December 8, is the vigil of the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary. It also is the day celebrating a hermit, new to me: St. Patapios of 4th c. Thebes. I'm asking intercessions of this hermit, and as ever, of the Blessed Virgin Mary. They know my needs and the prayers of my heart, and I know their prayers already are helping.
Waking in the morning is increasingly difficult for me, with this amount of pain. I also am grieving losses, and I recognize the emptying out as a needful aspect for my mind, heart, and soul; yet it feels as if being crushed and then also squeezed of whatever remnants remain of what was or is my self.
As for the post I wrote yesterday, of the person who yet again derided in her blog post, and has been an on-going discrediting of my validity as a consecrated Catholic hermit, her action is not lost on me as a marvelous opportunity in penance. I tell the Lord that I realize such a type of persecution is deserved for I had myself written of others, and described situations of which those persons could and did feel persecuted. I suppose a difference is in my not revealing identifiable information; but of course the persons, if they located my site, could see themselves in my thoughts and feelings. I also apologized, asked God's forgiveness, repented with remorse, and once more strive to do as Jesus says: "go and sin no more" (John 8:11).
Anyone of us could see aspects of ourselves in parts of what is shared; and I pray that even in this post, the sense of being crushed and then squeezed to the last bit of breath is also relatable, or might be at some point in some reader's temporal life. And by sharing the depth of loss, of grieving that is intertwined with tremendous suffering of body and soul, perhaps the Lord will help me through writing and sharing, the way to keep going in what is an increasingly narrowed path and series of portals--each one smaller and more difficult to squeeze through other than by my very being needfully crushed and squeezed to a point of total insignificance.
In this wrung out nothingness, not only the mind and heart, but the very soul weeps. So incredibly difficult it is to not reach out to those I've hurt and wronged in ways I don't even know what it is, or was, other than bits of this and that and intermingled with remnants of what I think it might be or had been. How many times must one apologize and ask forgiveness?
Once is enough, although even if seventy-times-seven we offer our mea culpas, forgiveness is the Lord's to grant. Once is enough for God. And only God is sure to forgive in a way that forgets and continues to love and be with us, always. And only saints--highly evolved souls--are able to forgive and forget and continue to love and be with others because such souls have accepted, have agreed to, being crushed and squeezed out enough to the nothingness that begets the indwelling and infilling of His Real Presence.
I pray this for my being, that the Lord crush and squeeze to whatever more extent needed and purposeful to my redemption in Christ. In this process, I can rejoice in the losses which become praises; and I trust all the more in the Holy Trinity to shelter what is of nothing remaining other than breath and heartbeat.
I must simply keep going for the sake of His Real Presence in me and His allowing my soul to be in Him. Only in Christ will I endure; only His Real Presence can encourage me by His love and forgiveness, in His reality of purpose and meaning.
What brought my crushed soul through the waking darkness, yet again this morning, were the words of a saint of long ago, named Augustine. The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes what he wrote: "Man is made to live in communion with God in whom he finds happiness: When I am completely united to You, there will be no more sorrow or trials; entirely full of you, my life will be complete (St. Augustine, Confessions, 10, 28, 39: PL 32, 795).
Next I turn to Christ in His Living Word. Another saint, a sinner, repentant, who kept going after being crushed and squeezed out, and fully forgiven by Christ writes of his thoughts and experiences and of the triumph of Christ. Paul, whose words in the Letter to the Romans, 15:4-6, fill in what the losses could never begin to revive, offers these inspired thoughts to me, to each of us, bereft of all but His Real Presence:
"Brothers and sisters:
Whatever was written previously was written for our instruction,
that by endurance and by the encouragement of the Scriptures
we might have hope.
May the God of endurance and encouragement
grant you to think in harmony with one another,
in keeping with Christ Jesus,
that with one accord you may with one voice
glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
"Welcome one another, then, as Christ welcomed you,
for the glory of God...."
And who does such as a crushed and squeezed nothing soul living out what remains of temporal life--who does such as a nothingness welcome, in reality? This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit welcomes and thinks in harmony, and with one accord with one silent voice, glorifies God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ: all souls yet living on this earth and those living in the eternity of what is beyond temporal suffering and imperfection of mortal existence.
This nothing of my self welcomes all, despite those unwilling, unable, not tangibly present. This nothing crushed and squeezed out, between worlds, aligns and is aware of other presences, such as John the Baptist who reminds me of his great warmth for me as one who is different and knows what it means to be different, yet to simply keep going.
John, who cries out as one voice of those of us in the bewildering wilderness of our nothingness:
"Prepare the way of the Lord,
make straight his paths." (Mt. 1:3).
Or the voice of the prophet Isaiah who foretold John the Baptist's words to all those crushed and squeezed out--nothingness awaiting and desiring union in Christ:
"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!" (Mt. 1:2).
John, another nothingness as one who agreed to and accepted being crushed and squeezed out so as to be filled in with Christ, exemplifies the desert way of the hermit soul. "John wore clothing made of camel's hair and had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey" (Mt. 3:5).
All the people of Jersusalem and all Judea and the entire area around the Jordan River were at that time were going out to seek John the Baptist, to be baptized by him in the river--"as they acknowledged their sins." (Mt. 3:6).
"'Even now the ax lies at the root of the trees.
Therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit
will be cut down and thrown into the fire.
I am baptizing you with water, for repentance,
but the one who is coming after me is mightier than I.
I am not worthy to carry his sandals.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fan is in his hand.
He will clear His threshing floor
and gather His wheat into His barn,
but the chaff He will burn with unquenchable fire'" (Mt. 3:7-12).
Such is the way, the path present and forward, of the crushed and squeezed out, the nothing mind, heart, and soul. While the bodily pains bearing the sorrows and sufferings of temporal life sins and imperfections, a cross of many crosses, the nothing mind, heart, and soul of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit continues on, awaiting the indwelling of the Holy Trinity, of the mystical yet quite Real Presence of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
The one family member nearby in locale has called. I could not answer for must prudently be in better custody of the bodily pain that riverlike overflows in emotional and mental tributaries. What can I offer if am not in possession of my temporal thoughts and emotions, of prayerful custody over the pain? My nothingness must be within Christ's holiness of loving listening and response in order to welcome in one accord of the holy, unseen others present: for the glory of God!
I praise God for the blessings of what temporal means of helping subdue pain, and of knowing that each moment is blessed with His love and companionship, and that the earthly seasons that seem to cause more pain will pass. This is Advent, after all, and a time of great preparation and waiting with expectation of Christ's coming!
Await redemption of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, of a suffering human being, of a soul!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!" (Mt. 1:2).
John, another nothingness as one who agreed to and accepted being crushed and squeezed out so as to be filled in with Christ, exemplifies the desert way of the hermit soul. "John wore clothing made of camel's hair and had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey" (Mt. 3:5).
All the people of Jersusalem and all Judea and the entire area around the Jordan River were at that time were going out to seek John the Baptist, to be baptized by him in the river--"as they acknowledged their sins." (Mt. 3:6).
"'Even now the ax lies at the root of the trees.
Therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit
will be cut down and thrown into the fire.
I am baptizing you with water, for repentance,
but the one who is coming after me is mightier than I.
I am not worthy to carry his sandals.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fan is in his hand.
He will clear His threshing floor
and gather His wheat into His barn,
but the chaff He will burn with unquenchable fire'" (Mt. 3:7-12).
Such is the way, the path present and forward, of the crushed and squeezed out, the nothing mind, heart, and soul. While the bodily pains bearing the sorrows and sufferings of temporal life sins and imperfections, a cross of many crosses, the nothing mind, heart, and soul of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit continues on, awaiting the indwelling of the Holy Trinity, of the mystical yet quite Real Presence of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
The one family member nearby in locale has called. I could not answer for must prudently be in better custody of the bodily pain that riverlike overflows in emotional and mental tributaries. What can I offer if am not in possession of my temporal thoughts and emotions, of prayerful custody over the pain? My nothingness must be within Christ's holiness of loving listening and response in order to welcome in one accord of the holy, unseen others present: for the glory of God!
I praise God for the blessings of what temporal means of helping subdue pain, and of knowing that each moment is blessed with His love and companionship, and that the earthly seasons that seem to cause more pain will pass. This is Advent, after all, and a time of great preparation and waiting with expectation of Christ's coming!
Await redemption of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, of a suffering human being, of a soul!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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