This old consecrated Catholic hermit used to go to confession frequently--when able to be at daily Mass and weekend Masses. What a marvelous Sacrament! Such clearing out, clarity, forgiveness, resolve to make amends, and strength poured--in graces from the Lord!
Increased disability, weariness, and distance to drive (driving and worsening spine are not buddies right now) plus previous location being quite a long distance to a parish--well, now I can avail myself of the Sacrament of Reconciliation more often. That is what I did this past Saturday: headed to the confessional at the nearest parish where I'm registered (and where I remain anonymous in my vocation).
Such a joy to see so many lined up even as I arrive forty minutes before the priest is scheduled to arrive. All the better to silence oneself while waiting, the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle; all is quiet and stilled. The Lord is listening, the Holy Spirit helping the mind sort through all the more in a hoped-for, honest, succinct confession. Out of charity to those waiting in line, it is best to be ready.
Of course, the Lord knows all the thoughts, the memories of wrongs, the struggles with them over time--if not sins of the type that are black-or-white sins of immorality, for example, of the flesh, or such as breaking a commandment in obvious way or example. Thus, the Lord knew my confession in great detail as it had been flailing about in me for awhile; my own efforts attempting to change my flaws--sins, offenses against God and thus others in the Body of Christ--not quite cutting it.
Yes, the power of the Sacrament can break through, can give the added strength--or so it sure seems to me, time and again. Still there is a willful effort and desire needed to cooperate with the grace God bestows in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
I briefly shared my sin, my issue of failing in fulfilling God's will, His will for what I'm to be doing for Him, and my failure in suffering well as a victim soul, also. My resolve is weak--slipshod, falling away it does seem to me, in various parts of my vocation and the ancillary aspects included. I've been "a jerk" to God, again it seems; and I have factual evidence in what some might consider minor: choices I make as to how to distract from pain. It goes deeper than that, of course. Do I choose what and how my Spouse prefers me to distract from pain? Is the distraction in a way that yet is resting in the suffering--hanging with Jesus on the Cross--or it is more a distraction that is basically fleeing, in my mind, from Him--and His suffering, also?
The priest spoke of St. Julian of Norwich's understanding of the linkage of love with suffering. Yes. But still I've been a jerk, my attitude lousy, and practically with an in-Your-Face rebellion, or so it seems to me. I'm guilty! Mea culpa! But the priest persisted, and he decided then and there to anoint with the Chrism oils. So I received also the Sacrament of the Sick.
How astute of the priest! Yes, indeed I was sorely in need of this Sacrament's graces, as well. Perhaps the anointing took priority just then, than how much I also needed to confess my sins and receive God's forgiveness in the Reconciliation Sacrament of the Church.
Since then I've not made massive headway in knocking off what I've come to term "drivel distractions", but there is some headway made, daily. I'm a;sp making progress in renewing passion for and understanding in deeper ways, the flow of a maturing vocation such as the eremite (hermit) in the consecrated life of the Church. And in order to grasp the flow and the sense of what is lacking or goes maybe seemingly stale over the years, the awareness has come to me through being privy to three friends' correspondence which are giving me insights into their married vocations.
The analogy of their marriages after many years passing, is increasingly pronounced in that their marriages show me what may be transpiring in my vocation as a type or form of marriage to Christ and His Church, within the hermit vows and profession of the three evangelical counsels. We all are going through phases, growing in our vocations as we live through the years. We must flow with the marriages, so to speak, grow with our significant others--and for me this is the Church and Christ Himself; and we must experience maturation and deeper conversion--yet with increasing determination in vibrancy of mature, more profound, forms and degrees of love.
I'd like to continue this topic in another post. The revelation of similarities in my current phase of vocation and why I was privy to as an observer to what are frustrating and sad plights of marriages--has come to me in ways that I can only attribute to the Holy Spirit. He has kindly responded to my pleas for help in what I confessed I felt lacking in my own love relationship with my Spouse. What better way to show me my lacking than to demonstrate by what can occur in marriages over time?
It is painful to see what has devolved from what once was zeal and love in marriages of those I have known for years and love dearly. I can relate with the pain I am feeling of knowing that the hardships of surviving some temporal life situations that can befall a hermit as well as anyone--has wearied my zeal, depleted my discipline, and perhaps caused me to take my vows to my Spouse and His Church, for granted.
This hermit might be back in the confessional before long. Often there can be more sin gurgle to the surface once God's grace enters in, and the more so when a soul has great desire to have the eyes opened, the scales removed. This eye-opening of the mind, heart, and soul frequently is accomplished by means of temporal example in the lives and situations around us if we cannot at first see matters in ourselves.
If we learn to recognize that there is a message (or several) for ourselves in what we are shown or come to see in others' struggles or simply their relationships and experiences--then all the more God can work His power in us to teach, guide, and heal our flaws. We can continue on in our earthly progression, in our vocations, in our spiritual missions willed for us by His Real Presence.
Yes, God bless His Real Presence in us!
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