Unable to sleep. Wake up most nights with pain again. Pump med increase is effective for a while, then the progressive nature of Arachnoitis pain or could be the body adapts or some of both, plus can be added sufferings such as this on-going sinus problem. The infection might be under control, but the sinuses are still jammed somewhat for I get off-balance. As a result, no progress on the manual labor in here of which there are many tasks to be done.
hat But my prayers and concerns are for the people of Ukraine and what Putin has next planned in his dictatorial mind. I am also very much concerned about the economy of this country which affects any of us who are very low income and investment blessings are dwindling from the unstable market. The expenditures I have made will need to be eventually paid, and after four surgeries my body and the constancy of suffering, my body is not functioning as well so hiring help increases costs. I'd have loved to have the place ready to sell and for me to get into a smaller, temporal abode. This one was for the project it is, and the peaceful neighborhood of which behind is a common area of beautiful nature: a true blessing! I moved in three months prior to finding out the type of extensive and quite serious back surgery needed as well as the reality that I have Arachnoiditis and have all these years since back surgeries and death experience between them, in 1987.
My existence is so far removed from that of the people of Ukraine, or the lower economic income persons of which I am in this country, with the exception of blessing of my parents' modest gift to my sisters and myself upon my mother's death which has allowed a home and for now still some to purchase materials to renovate with the idea of selling when finished and increasing funds enough to provide payments for costly end of life care. These are realities for many low income people and this hermit whose pain disability ended my career and ability for consistency in work following those 1987 surgeries. Along the way, I had the responsibility of rearing three children and helping with college costs, as well as my medical expenses as I could not get insurance until 65, and then only by a miracle with a loophole law some social security worker had heard of, in which I could purchase the medicare, paying quarterly, due to the former spouse having more than enough credits from years in successful career and the marriage lasting to the year of required length. God provides!
I've had another reminder of something that occurred for which I am so sorry even if at the time the situation was such that made it difficult to visit an elderly friend who had increasing dementia to no memory. I won't go into the details, but some of the difficulty was in my own emotions and stamina as well as two persons who had taken over the woman's life, essentially, and made it uneasy to have privacy in visiting. Also, the facility was painful to be in, for me, due to the experience of my mother's suffering and difficult care situation, and death, in that facility. I've begged God's forgiveness and that of the elderly friend, now in heaven. It was wrong of me, or so I feel; I should have been able to overcome the variables and obstacles not only of my emotions and experiences in that place, but to forge through. But I was in the wrong, and have regretted my weakness in not visiting more, even with her mind in some other dimension much of the two or so years before she passed. The best visit I had was when my aunt let me know (I did not live there by now) the friend was in the hospital. Since her mind was foggy, in and out then, to the temporal reality, I took my harp and played hymns I knew she'd like. After some chat in which she mostly spoke of a stuffed dog that she had named and thought real, I began to play. She showed in her face the pleasure and memories the hymns brought of her life as a Christian, active and generous in the church of my upbringing. She was a close friend of my mother's as well as of mine, and in those last couple of years, I failed her, or so I have felt and did at the time, also. When I played "How Great Thou Art" on the lap harp, tears welled in her eyes and trickled down the nearly 100-year-old cheeks. She was also, at the conclusion, able to verbalize how much that one meant. She drifted off to sleep, and soon after the visit she was sent back to the nursing facility, in the "Sunset Unit."
Anyway, this Lent the Lord is not only reminding me of situations of which I was wronged by Catholics, and to forgive and learn to brush any and all reminders of past out of the way, I am also being shown those whom I've wronged, such as my dear Methodist friend, a marvelous Christian woman I'd known since my childhood and into adulthood. She'd been deeply grieved by my conversion to Catholicism as had the other long-time friends and family, but she was one who could move beyond that even if she'd remind me of how people wept and worried about my having become a Catholic. She'd repeat as her mind began to slip, of my dad having broken down in tears when she and another from my hometown were at a restaurant while visiting my parents in a retirement community they'd moved to in the West. Dad who I'd never seen cry, was upset that I'd become Catholic.
Despite what she shared of others and her upset over my becoming a Catholic, and a devout, sincere one, called by God to the Church for His reasons, she remained a dear friend, I had dropped the ball in her final three years, or so I feel and think. The guilt hanged over me, in me, of which I think is accurate--my being in the wrong. I believe she forgives me as many time I've asked her forgiveness in my mind, speaking to her aloud and within. And God forgives me as I've asked Him to forgive me, also many times aloud and within. of which once can be enough for God! But now for myself to forgive me--and then to forget it, move on from it; instead, remember the wonderful times spent with over the years, and the loving friendship we shared. I now look forward to a blessed and joyous reunion in eternity.
And in the night, now, I pray to put behind concerns of my pained body and inability to do more manual labor, but instead to pray to complete this house project over time, and to downscale of which was the plan. Renovate this house for whomever Jesus chooses to live here--likely a family as would be lovely for a family if God wills. Keep trying to do manual labor even if I'm slowing down in bodily ability--now with this sinus infection. I'm kept for whatever God's reasons, from more time for the manual labor which provided house progress as well as meditative and even contemplative prayer. God would sweep me up into Him or shower my mind with thoughts of whom He wished me to pray more consciously.
Now the time for manual labor is when the body is well enough and when little Mercy is in her crate for morning nap or shorter afternoon nap--if I am not also needing rest at those times. Although I'm in His Real Presence and He is in me all the time, in all places temporal and spiritual, there are distractions with a pup. Some very good ones when we are able to go for walks and Mercy reminds me to notice God's world in specifics of nature. Or when we encounter another dog walker--and always no matter what, I'm shown prayer needs from brief conversations with the persons.
This, now, is in the Order of the Present Moment, as are the prayers for the people of Ukraine as well as the economy of our country; and right now the reminder to myself, in the night, that God provides. He always provides for needs in the way that He perceives and knows what is best. It is good to ask the question, "What is the worst that could happen?" when faced with challenges such as finances--temporal as they are--and realize God has many options no matter what might transpire, including our passing from this life to the next, no longer financial security or anything temporal, necessary. Praise be to God!
So many thoughts have strings attached to the past memories, even recent past, of decisions made and situations unfolding, and of course we do not know what is to come in this temporal world. What we do know is that God provides, even if not in the ways we want or think should be, and there is really not much of a worst that can happen because we keep going, simply keep going, until Jesus comes to take us with Him, for those of us who are His followers and love and believe in Him. As for others, they are waiting even if they do not know it, to be taken from this temporal world and have an opportunity at judgment with His Real Presence, to choose Him or not, and even then there is eternity one way or the other. I pray all souls choose God's way and to be with Him forever, in glory!
This waking time in the night, all the thoughts and memories, the forgiving others and self, the repentance, the asking God and others to forgive my wrongs. God reminds me how vital to learn to stay more in the present moment. God is reminding me this Lenten what and who and the process of inner clearing out. Remember the good times, persons, conversations. Then practice brushing aside that of the past for which I've forgiven and of which God has forgiven, as well. Pray in the present moment for all souls in the present moment no matter where they may: in the temporal or otherwhere. Pray for all souls' situations. Love all souls as God loves, and know that God always provides. In God there is no "worst that could happen."
Now, pray to get some sleep before morning comes and little Mercy whimpers to wake me, ready to go outside for morning bodily needs.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Love in His Love!
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