Saturday, January 3, 2015

So Tired of Suffering!


The pain level is very high.  This morning thought a sinus infection, inner ear issue, kidney or something dire, for the head was disoriented, the body dizzied even in bed.   But as the day wore on, and obviously had to remain prone, the back pain and neck pain, but mostly stemming from the back, is the culprit.  

And how very, very painful.

Fortunately, the head cleared enough to do the bit of reading, per previous post.  And writing.  And more writing.  Have reflected on the lovely Christmas at the daughter's, in civilization, but then to realize the grandson has grown distant, and there are reasons for this, of the temporal.

There is criticism of this nothing, sometimes openly and otherwise when am not there.  The little one used to say what was said.  But now he has pulled away and resists, and when asked the daughter, was told that he dislikes the spiritual of his grandparent, and dislikes being taught or told.  However, when babysitting--asked to do so as cost-saving for them and a convenience of familiarity--am left with a list of numerous things to tell him to do.  

Regardless, it was all most painful to have to accept this, and there is nothing much to be done other than did decline babysitting for no need to aggravate more the aversion he has to his grandparent telling him what must tell him in order to fulfill the parental rules and wishes.  As for the spiritual, had tried very much to be not spiritual.  There is a differing of faith, Catholic here and Nazarene there. 

So in addition to modulating self a month or so ago, trying to address those criticisms, had always tried to mask the spiritual as much as possible.  Well, it is not all that easy, for a spiritual essence wafts invisibly, no matter conversation or silence.  His Real Presence is in His Abode in us, and we in Him.  And the awareness and desire and degree is what exposes a spiritual being, despite sublimation attempts.

Mercy, again.  Even had mirrored the parents' way of ending the bedtime prayers.  Never made the sign of the cross the times they said a meal prayer.  But perhaps there are such details as saying "Merciful heavens!" rather than how some might say "My word" or "Gee whiz" (or in some other households might be prone to foul exclamations).  Anyway, am spiritual, yes.  And the daughter is correct in that it is doubtful can be otherwise; and this nothing would not and could not.  But am by no means other than most discreet to a point of feeling rather split in affect, having tried hard to be pleasing and blend in, to meld.

Then today also read Climacus mention that if we are comfortable in the world, then the devil does not have to do much to keep us there.  And this nothing is not called to the world, but is called to His Real Presence and the Holy Mountain, called to the desert, called to seek and find Him, like the magi from the East, seeking and following yonder star, and finding the Christ Child.

So, even within family (and yes, some of the grandson's distancing might be early onset of outgrowing a grandparent) the Lord can keep the nothing Catholic hermit from attachment to others being about, conversation, love and even criticism, comforts (they even got a firm mattress for this painful back), and civilization.

In an infrequent phone talk with the spiritual father, far away, he mentioned again that the prayers are being answered, that the offering of suffering and the vows of the hermit, are coming to fruition in all this.  There is no escaping, not yet, this desert and the harsh living conditions.

(The plumbing presented more obstacles.  A worker who promised to come help for a day did not show up--and just as well as this back was on its way out....  But the stair landing is built.  The boxes of stuff for the kitchen are somewhat unpacked and jammed into cupboards even if some need more bolts to secure them, and some need doors on them, and the refrigerator is not usable, nor the dishwasher, nor the sink plumbing finished, nor the pantry and above fridge cabinet correctly installed.  And still no other facilities than a chamber pot.)

This is how His Real Presence keeps us in His Sacred Heart and true to our offerings and vows.  There ought be no surprise, but seems as if the mind with its pride has a shock and jolt, and grieves a bit, when the Nine S' are pointed out, when the world is not all that welcoming and not feasible.  Truly, if matters were otherwise, the family would have to kick this nothing out of their lovely home, for it would be so very tempting to just stay until "the end", enjoying the guest room, the bathroom, the cleanliness, the functional kitchen, the human companionship and fun of a child.

Makes this nothing Catholic hermit laugh, despite the sickening bodily pain right now, in realizing how His Real Presence keeps His little soul here, on the straight and narrow path.  And this nothing is so very grateful, down deep, and thankful for those who are doing His will to ensure His will is kept in this nothing's life, even if it seems kind of harsh at times.  Not fun being snapped at or criticized, or to accept that one must curb attachments.

Sure am tired of this pain, though!  Mercy, a third time!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  We must love one another, no matter their roles or our roles. Know that God works to good in all those who love Him and do His will.  

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