God's Hermit: Getting Clarification

A Catholic hermit or God's hermit, or something other, I am awaiting clarification.  I did kindly get word from the bishop.  All is well as far as it goes, but I asked for two specific clarifications so as to make sure I am on solid and accurate status as to my vocation, the term or wording. 

As to the tremendous loss and sense of the deepest abandonment and suffering of soul that I've been experiencing, the Lord thankfully provided last night some needed help and understanding.  From a video of a lecture by the theologian and scholar Bernard McGinn, I am relieved to have a diagnosis, I guess one could call it, of what ails me so tremendously, currently:  mystical dereliction.  

As McGinn spoke on this phenomenon or affliction that occurs at some point in a mystic's spiritual journey, and can be more than once or extend over time, a relief came and a knowing that the Lord is taking care of me; He is looking out for me.  Although I must face the reality that I truly do not "belong" per se or fit in, or have a "place" in such as parishes and of the temporal Catholic world, per se, my sense of belonging to the mystical Church and that the great sorrow of parting, of loss, of feeling alone among those who do fit in and belong, who have a "place" in parishes and the temporal Church, is a real experience but also mystical at its genesis or roots.  The experiential sensation and existential reality will lessen at some point; I will adapt.  

In temporal aspects my misfit circumstances are actual.  My not having the energy to keep up with having to present the outer of what is not the inner, creates the sense of sadness and loss all the more.  The weariness grows with the increase of physical pain:  an inner and outer crucifixion, this temporal-mystical reality.  But there is breakthrough simply in the knowing that this has a name, this mystical dereliction.  It is reassuring in the familiarity I have with the mystics that McGinn used as examples--other real human beings who suffered similar mystical lives as I have lived and will until my earthly death.  May it come soon, Lord!

No matter what, all this will pass.  I will pass through this new-to-me level of horrific spiritual dereliction.  Dereliction, the word itself, says it all even to the point of inner and outer, mystical and physical, spiritual and temporal dilapidation.  I still am not intended by the Lord to need canonical approval as a diocese hermit.  The bishop seemed to write of this to me, but in my exhaustive emptying out and being filled with such pain of body, mind, heart, and soul that I am unable to function even when I try to push out of bed just now, to roll the trash bins to the curb, hidden in the darkness of night--I cannot grasp the bishop's full meaning.  So I sent it on to Fr. V. to please read and interpret, make sure I understand what the bishop is saying, what he means so that I am certain in his urging me to continue living the life that I obviously believe strongly the Lord has called me to live.

The pain has been so extreme that the electronic interference has annoyed me and wearied me all the more.  The laptop keeps going into some odd mode of the entire screen collapsing into about an inch-square, with a notice of a default os some sort.  This happens repeatedly over the past three days, requiring me to click on "ignore" and then use the cursor to take each corner of the tiny square and expand to full screen once again, and clear the mode that has locked.  My phone dialed someone's number--I had no idea who--when I merely set the phone on a stool when I'd gone to the kitchen on way to garage to deal with readying the trash bins to take to the curb.  The phone would not allow me to click on another screen to even see whose number was being accessed.  

This type of electronic interference is part and parcel of some aspects of my life and has been for years--telekinesis of sorts--but higher levels of pain and the stress that creates in the bodily system then increases the interference instances. I cannot get the phone to stop the call so wait until I hear a voice.  Thankfully, it is a voice I recognize--a cousin.  Thankfully, also, the cousin understands about the phone and the electronic interference that results from my weird magnetic waves connected sometimes to the physical pain--and I've not shared how these aspects can happen not connected with pain and did in the years before the 1987 spine surgeries....

But I'm worn out with not only the physical pain and the mystical dereliction, but also the weirdness in general yet praise God it was the cousin whose voice I heard and not someone whose voice I'd not recognize.  Dr. H. called a bit later and is going to call again on Friday, but the first words he said to me were, saying my name and then a firm but with humor...and you are not at all crazy!  I mustered a laugh but said that I am so fatigued with various aspects crescendoing at once, or so it seems, and said at least I have an understanding for a major aspect and explained the "mystical dereliction" that I'd by chance learned via a youtube recorded lecture last evening.

I truly am most fortunate in the ways God reaches in when He knows I'm "done in" by too much in all levels and dimensions with added new aspects and elements enough that I cannot say that I've experienced this or that mystical effect prior--and often enough the devil gets involved enough so that I do not recognize the mystical elements of the sensations and onslaught of suffering in multiple levels.

I do realize that my writing has been incohesive--disjointed, convoluted, perhaps.  At times I've wondered if the physical pain being so terribly intense is a problem more than the inner sensing spiritually, such as the tremendous mystical dereliction--again, this word that describes perfectly, all.  Thus I put into draft a couple of posts, and I do not know yet, as mentioned above am asking clarification of the bishop on two aspects or points.  So I do not know yet if I will conclude this blog post as Catholic hermit or not.  As to what I will write or when, the Lord will need to guide me in whatever way or through whomever temporally or otherwise. And, given the high level of pain and its effect on what to me seems an inability of written expression, I might not write at all even if it has been cathartic and also a means for me to rise out of the pained, temporal body.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  The burning of the body, the pain throbbing and burning terribly much, nauseates.  It is as if I am being crucified repeatedly.  All that of CL603 and my not finding it inspiring or necessary seems like foolishness to me right now in comparison to very real, temporal suffering as if the blood will burst through my feet and hips, spine and head.  Who knows if what I try to express even in the above, makes any cognitive sense to a reader,  not that it needs to or is even helpful.  All I know is that I love God and His Church immensely, and the sorrow of facing the reality that such ones as myself are not meant for utilization other than hidden under His wings or tucked deep within His Heart:  solitary confinement in His protective custody.  I suppose is anchorite more than hermit, mystic more than person.

Catholic Hermit: Leper's Window

The pain has been extremely high lately, and not really lowering much.  Seems after the marvelous but brief relief from the B-12 injection, the body has been far worse when effects too-soon left.  

So last night I happened upon a documentary circa 1992 of a woman in Ireland who lived (and presumably still might) in a family home (cottage) that her grandfather had built and passed down through her father to her.  She lives with no modern conveniences; she prefers this and also, though, came upon a job in which she was utilized for her vast and unwritten knowledge of local history and archeological sites.

Some of the sites go way back, including a healing well, pool of water, going back to St. Patrick's time; other artifacts extant were back to the Druids and pagan practices of sacrifice.  In the documentary, she pointed out various sites, including the ruins of a church. One one end, she noted a "Leper's Window."  This slit opening made it possible for the lepers to see into the Church for Mass yet parishioners would not see them nor have contact.

Given my recent enlightenment, gratis the parish priest, regarding not wanting me to feel like a "spiritual leper" although, frankly, that is exactly what I am--I am intrigued by the Leper's Window in churches of yore.  Too bad there is not one at the parish where I could be behind such a window, participate in Mass in the mystical state that obviously is concerning to others although I simply look deeply asleep, I was told.  Yet it is too much for our time period, and God is closing doors without Leper Windows available.

It is all right.  All is well, and all shall be well.  God knows what He is allowing and disallowing, what He opens and what He closes, what He keeps shut of outer but open of inner.

However, regarding the Leper's Window, I wondered, then, about anchorites in the Middle Ages.  They were (often women) walled up in a room or two beside a church--butted right up against the church itself, and a window was created to allow the anchorite (hermit) to look in upon Mass and through said window, receive the Sacraments.  Often, also, there was a window out to the world side of the cell.  If a maid or helper was part of the anchorite's living situation, there could be a room adjacent to the anchorite's cell, with a window through which the servant would pass food.  Otherwise, the window to the outside world served the purpose of providing temporal needs.

This all got me to wondering if perhaps part of the reason if not a reason, an anchorite was walled in, had to do with mystical experiences visited upon the anchorite?  I've always assumed it was the desire and choice of the anchorite, for what now would be considered extreme spiritual reasons.  But perhaps it was a decision made by a priest or rector, a bishop or spiritual director of the person in question.  Perhaps that person was a mystic who had mystical experiences that brought a form of fear or consternation of needing to keep it under wraps, contained, so as not to cause anticipated upset or problems in the parish or monastery.

It would make sense, especially given my own life and how has evolved in the past ten years the end of August last, when my angel took me by the arm and said I was being taken to the "Stairway to Heaven." Within two weeks, the mystical ecstasies during Mass commenced--gradually at first after one Mass of intense suffering physical pain, especially pain around my head in the area such as Christ's crown of thorns.  Well, it is all classic, textbook type mystical ecstasy, as later I was guided to a book on the topic, translated from the French in 1926 and written by an expert, a priest, in spiritual life and mystical phenomenon.

That aside, at least the lepers and the anchorites had a window to the Church.  I have a window, as well.  I have this laptop window to not only the world, but in a way, to the temporal Church where I can view and read of matters of the Church historically and contemporarily.  Also, I have the inner window of the soul, as we all have.  It is through this "window" that I receive His Real Presence spiritually in all aspects, including my being able to beseech him as I did in the night and in the early morning, when the pain seemed too much for me.  The pain of body and the suffering of the soul.

I have not yet heard from the parish visitor whose first name I have been given.  "Angel."  Yesterday I felt compromised as to whether or not it a good idea to have a parishioner come to my home, given the considerate concern the priest expressed both in words and in gestures and expression as to how they could not have someone coming into my home to "THIS!".  Nor, would they want the person to sense I am a hermit.

I agree with the latter, as far as not wanting nor needing people to know I am a hermit.  So what?  Labels only open up the door to judgment by others who have opinions and notions about various topics and categories.  I suppose, in a way, the priest lumped mystic and hermit as one concern.  I do think he was not intending it as negatively as this might "read".  I view it as God's will being meted out through the priest, even if he did well at masking other than when his arms flew out toward me in a demonstrative motion and he emphasized what could be presumed the terror, or disturbing aspect, of someone bringing Communion to and walking in on "THIS"--little old, usually smiling and extremely grounded "me."

The leper.  The anchorite--although I moved away from that mode of hermit variation early on in my vocation.  But back in 1999, when the Lord opened me to His will in calling me to hermit life in the Church, it was to me, my first reckoning--as an anchorite.  In fact, the first hermitage was called The Anchorage.  It was scripted on the facia board above the front porch steps, in gold, Old English script.  My hermit profession of vows and private ceremony with the priest in the beautiful chapel, was based upon the Ancrene Rule's ceremony of enclosure and avowal of an anchorite.  The priest came earlier in the day to bless The Anchorage, according to the Medieval rite.

So I'm now feeling much better about matters regarding spiritual leprosy and my life as one, for it is accurate and life-engendering of the body, mind, heart, and spirit!  It solves a lot of transitional angst as I settle into this hermitage, Solus Deus, this diocese, and am merely registered in a parish which is the right thing as a Catholic hermit or anchorite, to be and do.  My door is available for a parish visitor to walk through or stand at, whatever he or she wishes, to offer me His Real Presence.  I am here waiting, always, upon the Lord.

I remain in His Love.  He is through me, with me, in me, for however long I am on earth and then eternally in heaven.  I am going to readjust my own thinking, as I discern for a bit why I was so in tune with being an anchorite initially in my hermit vocation, and what caused me to shift out of that mode.  Now, it seems God had it right in me early on, and it was I who veered from the anchorite aspect with the more enclosed way, and the window to the world and a window to the Church--a Leper's Window, per se and per actuality.  It is, really, such a marvelous and true metaphor for this hermit's status and existence in this time and place. 

And it is not negative.  I remind myself of how positive is the truth of the term, spiritual leper, and that of leper's window.  Historical and practical fact, indeed--and if I see it as positive, which it is, then I am all the more encouraged and filled with joy at picking up here in Solus Deus, more where I left off back at the Anchorage, with Agnus Dei and Te Deum hermitages in between.

It was my angel who in a dream chastised me in early 2007 that I had not been living the "hermit life that God had chosen for me and valued very much!"  I had cringed at the use of the word "hermit", for indeed, I had strayed.  I was exploring how to fit into a parish yet again, as a "religious solitary" which to me did not seem quite as austere or official--a term I could sneak around more, skirting the focus and doing exactly as my angel chastised--not living nor valuing the hermit life that God chose for me and valued very much.  

I had strayed; I was not valuing the vocation God desired of me at that point; I had started to leach out into the world--the world of the parish.  I was trying to live a double life in externals that were pointless, as it turned out.  Seems as if now, too, the Lord is giving me that "whap to the side of the head" kind of thing.  (Last summer gave me a major head injury to the front of the head with whiplash to the back!)  He is reminding me of a more austere yet realistic form of an eremite, and indeed, it is appropriate in this phase as perhaps it was nearly 20 years ago.

Perhaps if I think more in terms, for myself, anchorite, and consider the walled up aspect with a window to the Church and a window to the world for temporal needs, I will fare better not only with the physical pain that has increased over the years, but more so with the temporal and vibrant aspects of the Church today, of the work of priests and bishops, of the needful and appropriate mindset and activities that lay persons are involved in and the delight of participation therein of all facets of parish life with Mass being paramount.

I have Mass in my body, mind, heart, and soul.  When I pass from this temporary dwelling of earthly body and the Solus Deus temporal domicile--both anchorholds, truly, I will no longer be a spiritual leper and can participate in Mass in ecstasy eternally.  Such love will not be a concern nor a distraction to anyone, nor will I need the protection that the priest whether realizing it or not, is providing for me so beautifully and thoughtfully.  It is needed, that protection, while I am in this body and temporal life.  Distractions of other types are not helpful to fulfilling my vows nor the mission God wills of me.

Now to pray to have the patience to attempt, perhaps, once more, setting up the printer purchased a few months ago when on sale, but just yesterday taken out of the box.  Got it part way set up, including to Wifi, but then it would not proceed.  Not sure I have the patience to try again, nor the desire to lift the bulky, heavy thing out of the box.  I was figuring to return it, actually, if the body will allow being able to drive today for such a return....

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Praise God for Being Love!

[Had a final thought relative to my "window to the world" being in part this laptop and being able to write thoughts and even feelings, plus experiences temporal and mystical, to chronicle this consecrated Catholic hermit's case study, of sorts.  I need this "window" to be clean and clear, to be open, and thus all the more it seems a major event that I took steps to have those whose job it is to rid out the internet bullying that has gone on, which taints and interferes with freedom and love.  Internet bullying is not only a serious problem in today's world, it more so draws the soul, the victim of such bullying, back out into the world in tainted and threatened ways, rather than allowing it as a beautiful Leper's window into the Church or the Anchorite's useful window to the world by which much spiritual good is done, as well as some simple, temporal needs accomplished.  Praise God that this window as well as the window to the Church, are being freed and cleared, opened to whatever God wills in whatever this and next present moments!]