God's, Catholic Hermit: How Good to Die in Lent!

Jesus' words to His disciples--to us!--are worth treasuring this beginning of another Lent.  We can praise God for being alive to enter into and persevere in another Lent!  Some figure out a sacrifice or more than one--several--to undertake in Lent; I have come to learn over the years, that the Lord figures them out for us if we let Him have full access and control of us in this liturgical season.

In 2012--just eight years ago--on this day during Mass, when in mystical state, regardless of a sign saying to please do not touch--meditating or to that effect--some people did touch as they thought I'd had a stroke or something.  Someone lifted my head up and back, but then the person let go; my head fell back uncontrollably as when in a mystical ecstasy one does not have control over the faculties.  

My neck was severely injured; I was fortunate, the doctor later said, that my neck was not broken.  The neck injury debilitated me through the rest of Lent, and it became necessary for me to accept that the priest and others preferred I not be at Mass due to the risks involved. For whatever reasons, people who did know of my situation were not to get involved, or did not, for the most part, so that I was essentially a "sitting duck" for those who'd worry despite my sign, tended to touch and try to move my body about--dangerously so.  

That incident precipitated more indications of the Lord signaling me for a new phase in my life.  This morning, a spiritual friend sent an email asking for prayers as is frightened by a suspicious lump discovered.  Cannot get in to see the doctor today; I mentioned going to the emergency room for a scan rather than waiting to go through a lengthier process.  Sometimes lumps in tell-tale areas of the body are best dealt with right away.  Already the person has had knee trouble.  The person mentioned it is only just the beginning of Lent for all this to be happening!

Yes, and I reminded that the person had asked for prayers regarding signals from the Lord about retiring from a job that aggravates the knee pain, very much so.  Did we not begin praying for the Lord to indicate His will in retiring a year or less prior to what the person had planned to do so?  The person's spouse has been increasingly debilitated from age along with weight, heart issues, knee and back pain.  They are unable to handle some aspects around their home due to the encroaching physical limitations.  God does answer prayers--and yes, it is LENT!

The Lord provides for us in Lent, exactly what we need in our unique and individual ways.  Why do we then feel surprise or have some upset when the trials come along?

For me, this Lent already is proving to be that of needing to die to self and to learn to let others do with me what they will, such as in regard to the more external aspect of decision to be made regarding CL603 status after years of privately professed status as a hermit.  At first I did not react that positively to the next step; in fact, I was not expecting yet another person involved--a third party who will essentially "vet" me and then report to the bishop based on what the person's assessment is. 

I just thought would be simpler, I guess.  Not involving yet more persons--is what I mean.  This will involve my needing to drive a distance, and I balked at that!  Of course, I would balk!  My physical existence revolves around the pain perspective.  Automatically, I considered what driving and sitting in order to be vetted by someone I do not know nor knows me, and who will be making crucial input on my vocational future--caught me off-guard.  I admit I did not react with holy indifference.

I also had concerns as to if I'd be a disappointment regarding my take on hermit life as more hidden and solitary and not cut out for the hermit communities that are increasingly prominent among publicly professed hermits.  I suppose the practical aspect of people sharing financial responsibilities and maintenance is partly the motivation.  I've noticed when doing a bit of research, that some persons who become CL603 hermits seem to soon or initially want to have others join them, or desire to create hermit communities early on.  Just is not for me, not what God has willed, not my mind, heart nor body's ways of being.

So I inquired of the intermediary person (whom I've also not met), and I was assured there have been no such plans for communities as I described.  I was confused, as there seems to be indication of that; but clarification is best.  I did ask the third person involved, the one who is considered excellent in spiritual discernment and will advise the bishop, if there was possibility of that person coming nearer to where I am. 

I awoke this morning just seeing myself as I am or definitely was the night prior.  "Rude" was the word that came to mind!  Transparently wearing my feelings on my sleeve.  (My dad used to say that to me as a child:  Try not to wear your feelings on your sleeve!  Play your cards close to your chest.)  Thus I attempted a brief (brevity not my writing strength) apology of sorts to the intermediary contact, and that of course I am grateful for the opportunity to meet, understand fully the necessity for and expediency of being discerned and screened, and will do the drive as it is only pain, after all--and can recover the next day or so, whatever it takes.

I then sent a brief email to the third party involved, saying I will of course drive and am grateful for the willingness to take time to get to know me a bit and advise the bishop.  (No mention of what I'd inquired in previous email, of perhaps that person sometime coming nearer to where I live and thus meeting then....)  Where are my manners, my consideration of others, my graciousness?  Pain is what I offer the Church and for souls!  The Lord gives me the time to suffer, and so it will mean an extra day or two of suffering.  What difference does it make?

Either way, whatever decision matters not to my interior, for my way of life will not alter.  I only need to live it better regardless of if I am a hermit according to what has become the way of hermits, the CL603 way, or I will not be that, maybe not even an external hermit or never consider myself a hermit in word or label.  Yet, what is within will always be in this life time.  The main point that seems of importance for this Lent, at least in the first three days (more can certainly come and likely will!), is the lesson of dying, and how good it is to die in Lent.

Thus the words of Jesus from yesterday's Mass Gospel of Luke 9:22-25 make glorious sense to me:

"Jesus said to his disciples:  'The Son of Man must suffer greatly and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised from the dead.'  Then he said to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.  For whoever wishes to save his life must lose it, and whoever who loses his life for my sake will save it.  What profit it for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit himself?'"

The process of dying to self regarding whatever others decide as to my vocational fate is what the Lord desires of me more than the outcome.  The process of self-effacement, of humility, of holy indifference, of gratitude and graciousness regarding others' ways of living their vocations, of considering my hermit life to be rather poorly lived as it is--these are the benefits the Lord wills for my Lenten lessons.

It comes down to renunciation of self.  And I muffed it last night, caught unexpectedly in a response unanticipated--of which I am grateful to have been given a response!  Just was not expecting another party involved, but the only reason for my reticence really is that of some flashbacks of past and of the prudence and wisdom of not discussing my mystical life with other than a rare priest if need be.  The mystical situation simply complicates matters, and I have learned is not necessary nor even of any benefit to other.

Thus, the commentary of St. Frances de Sales (Bishop of Geneva and Doctor of the Church, 1567-1622) also made marvelous sense to me.  It "hit home;"  I grasped what the Lord is trying to get through to me, at least for the beginning of this Lent. While I would have preferred simply a 15-minute drive and meet with the intermediary person or even the bishop himself to be discerned, that is not the process the bishop chooses and thus not what the Lord wills or allows.  

What would that teach me of the above dying to self aspects--even of willingness to suffer more by having to sit and drive much farther?  What would that teach me of dying to self and having to open up to a third-person and to simply release my vocation unto that person's assessment in a one-time meeting and more sitting unless by then I must get on the floor... after a long drive to where I've never been and likely never will again? 

The outcome of even meeting with the third party regarding the disposition of my hermit vocation, will not be for a couple of months, and depending on the person's discernment and "take", there likely would ensue, further processes.  Thus, it is all about process and my learning of utter self-renunciation and holy indifference.  After all, the third party now pivotal in the process, or myself, or both, could be dead before an in-person meeting.  Let go my ideas, my will.  Not my will...be done. 

"The love we have for ourselves is both affective and effective.  Effective love is the kind which governs the great, ambitious of honors and riches, who acquire numerous good things for themselves and never tire of gaining them; these I say love themselves greatly with that effective love.  But there are others who love themselves even more with affective love:  these are excessively gentle with themselves and never do anything but spoil and care for and comfort themselves:  they fear anything that might harm them so much that it is a sorrowful sight.

"This tenderness is the more unbearable in things of the spirit than in bodily things, especially if by some misfortune it is practiced or undertaken by the most spiritual people, who would like to be saints all at once without it costing them anything, not even the struggles caused by the repugnances of the lower part of the soul towards those things that are contrary to nature.

"To reject our repugnances, silence our preferences, mortify our affections, mortify our judgment and renounce self-will is something that the affective and tender love we bear towards ourselves cannot allow without crying:  oh, how much it costs!  And in this way we do nothing.

"It would be better to carry a little cross made of straw someone has laid on my shoulders without my choosing than to go and cut down a much bigger one in the woodland with a great deal of work and then carry it with much labor.  And it will be more pleasing to God with the straw cross than with that which it would have fashioned with far more trouble and sweat and would bear with more satisfaction because of the self-love which is so pleased with its own inventions and so little at allowing itself to be led and governed."

I particularly love the finale line of being reminded of the good at allowing oneself to be led and governed as opposed with being pleased and satisfied with one's own inventions, ideas, ways of doing and being. Self-renunciation, self-mortification, even allowing oneself to be mortified or potentially so by others--ah, how good it is to die in Lent!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Dis-ease and Un-health

There comes a point when we wake up to realize we are embroiled in dis-ease and un-health.

It is merely the soul's call to deeper conversion and to utilize whatever antibiotics of spirit to promote healing of the soul for return to active spiritual life.

Mercy, am on a third day of an Azyrthromycin round of antibiotics for a sinus problem.  And I am feeling drained physically as well as energy-spent.  But it is not all from physical illness.  I am feeling the need for deeper conversion in a way that faces unhealthy aspects in my life at various levels.

Fr. V. emailed that people become drawn to us for some reason.  He views from a priestly vocation, and that of not a cloistered nor solitary vocation.  I tend to agree that the Lord brings others into our lives for various reasons for everyone involved.  The responsibility and desire in life is for health.

When we become ill, life alters, and we make necessary changes such as more rest, more fluid intake,  change in routine, and sometimes need the benefit of antibiotics, surgery, or other medical interventions.

I consider a young woman named Elizabeth Smart.  She is in the news recently for revealing that when she was kidnapped at age 14 (international news at the time), her captor repeatedly raped her.  She was found nine months later--rescued!  Now a grown woman, Elizabeth Smart has become an advocate for child rape and kidnap victims as well as for the anti-pornography cause.

Her captor was drawn to her after having been hired as a handyman in her childhood home.  He returned later, in the night, to abduct her and keep her as a second "wife" presumably for the rest of his or her earthly life.

I appreciate something Elizabeth shared, that her mother told her the morning after Elizabeth was rescued from her horrific ordeal.  Her mother said that the best revenge against the terrible things her captor did to her was to "be happy."  Elizabeth said she has taken that to heart and makes sure she lives a happy life.  She is bearing good fruit in her advocacy for child victims.  She has continued on with being as positive as possible following such a life-altering, abusive situation.

I'm just musing here, this morning.  My lungs are congested some, as is the head more so.  Yet I also feel a need to be able to "breathe" more freely, spiritually.  I ponder the current juxtaposition of my life and that of those around me who I know and love.  I received a letter from the elderly aunt.  In it she had a quote from a book of revised commentary on quotes of Francis de Sales.  She noticed the book in the laundry room of her retirement/healthcare facility.

My aunt is not a Catholic nor would ever be, but she is trying to reach in, I suppose.  I appreciate it.  She enclosed a paper typed with words of a translation of a Trinitarian liturgical "prayer."  She also mentions a woman who years ago gave her a booklet of the Oblates of St. Francis de Sales..  My aunt added to her letter, bits of news of her family of which her daughter, my cousin, had already shared in a phone conversation.

In her letter, the aunt mentions she needs to write more because it requires more focus than talking.  I assume this is her way of saying how uncomfortable she becomes when we have spoken in phone conversations.  The usual has been for her to say there is nothing to report of her own life and to ask what "progress" on the house.  I respond with the litany of on-going obstacles and whatever small tasks accomplished.  It seems quite negative to her, understandably.  So I turn to what to me is more positive--the spiritual, what I am learning from God, and so forth.

I do agree that writing can require focus, as conversing about God requires both to be desirous at the time as well as at a co-level of general understanding.  I found it lovely that my aunt wanted to try to reach in with something spiritual, showing something--I suppose I really am not sure what.  The quote enclosed is this:  "Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength."

Well, we are told by Jesus [see the post before last if you want the Scriptural text] that we must be strong for the spiritual journey, to have strength to enter the narrow gate.

I am just weary enough that it is not easy to long-hand write a letter with my only "place" to do so in the hermitage is on this mattress, on the floor of this tiny cell.  Yet I know I will do just that.  I will longhand write a letter.  I recall one time my aunt commenting that people do not bother to hand-write notes anymore.  I try to bridge the gap; I try to reach back to those who try to reach in.

I was recalling this morning how my spiritual father and I could talk at length about spiritual matters and end up energized, motivated, inspired, for conversing has the advantage of energy flowing between one another.  But it does take both persons to be able to exchange the thoughts and holy inspirations and even at times to spiritually challenge without one or the other disinclined or feeling not in control.

I do think it fair, however, that if we cannot speak of the spiritual with another without feeling as if we are unprepared, then writing more formally is a good idea.  However, we also then are precluding the "gamble" of faith and the Voice of the Holy Spirit breathing, speaking through us.  It is true that sometimes "words" written are as exhausting if not more so, than words spoken.  Yet, words written can be referred to again, later, when the mind is ready.

I don't know, for sure.  The same can be said of conversation.  I consider St. Benedict and his twin sister Scholastica and their last night together on earth.  They never had difficulty speaking of the spiritual and of God for hours on end.  But there probably are not that many people in our lives with whom we can relate in such a way or manner.

Back to dis-ease and un-health, ultimately the conversation exists between the soul and God.  There is no lack of communication; and we are assured that we ourselves are the patients, for God is in perfect health and composition in all aspects!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and one another as Jesus loves us!  

(And I consider right now, prayerfully, the guest to this hermitage over a week ago--the one who did not at all like to refer to God as God.  There is not much freedom with and between us when we have obstacles the use of names to describe the Source of All Being and Energy, the Creator--God!  So we do have much variation in ourselves and among ourselves: healthy, unhealthy, strength and assurance, disease.  Ah, we have health, if we choose, the Great Physician: God!  There's that Name again!)

[Addendum:  The head and sinuses are so packed that I've added Augmentin--what remains of an antibiotic given a year ago for that sinus infection but which did not help--needed a z-pack then.  I may as well avail myself of help at hermitage-hand!  It is also hoped that the z-pack will help the nodules in the lungs--residual infection, they are thought to be.  We'll see if this body can focus on some manual labor today:  This Consecrated Catholic Hermit's Life in the Order of the Present Moment....]