Jesus' words to His disciples--to us!--are worth treasuring this beginning of another Lent. We can praise God for being alive to enter into and persevere in another Lent! Some figure out a sacrifice or more than one--several--to undertake in Lent; I have come to learn over the years, that the Lord figures them out for us if we let Him have full access and control of us in this liturgical season.
In 2012--just eight years ago--on this day during Mass, when in mystical state, regardless of a sign saying to please do not touch--meditating or to that effect--some people did touch as they thought I'd had a stroke or something. Someone lifted my head up and back, but then the person let go; my head fell back uncontrollably as when in a mystical ecstasy one does not have control over the faculties.
My neck was severely injured; I was fortunate, the doctor later said, that my neck was not broken. The neck injury debilitated me through the rest of Lent, and it became necessary for me to accept that the priest and others preferred I not be at Mass due to the risks involved. For whatever reasons, people who did know of my situation were not to get involved, or did not, for the most part, so that I was essentially a "sitting duck" for those who'd worry despite my sign, tended to touch and try to move my body about--dangerously so.
That incident precipitated more indications of the Lord signaling me for a new phase in my life. This morning, a spiritual friend sent an email asking for prayers as is frightened by a suspicious lump discovered. Cannot get in to see the doctor today; I mentioned going to the emergency room for a scan rather than waiting to go through a lengthier process. Sometimes lumps in tell-tale areas of the body are best dealt with right away. Already the person has had knee trouble. The person mentioned it is only just the beginning of Lent for all this to be happening!
Yes, and I reminded that the person had asked for prayers regarding signals from the Lord about retiring from a job that aggravates the knee pain, very much so. Did we not begin praying for the Lord to indicate His will in retiring a year or less prior to what the person had planned to do so? The person's spouse has been increasingly debilitated from age along with weight, heart issues, knee and back pain. They are unable to handle some aspects around their home due to the encroaching physical limitations. God does answer prayers--and yes, it is LENT!
The Lord provides for us in Lent, exactly what we need in our unique and individual ways. Why do we then feel surprise or have some upset when the trials come along?
For me, this Lent already is proving to be that of needing to die to self and to learn to let others do with me what they will, such as in regard to the more external aspect of decision to be made regarding CL603 status after years of privately professed status as a hermit. At first I did not react that positively to the next step; in fact, I was not expecting yet another person involved--a third party who will essentially "vet" me and then report to the bishop based on what the person's assessment is.
I just thought would be simpler, I guess. Not involving yet more persons--is what I mean. This will involve my needing to drive a distance, and I balked at that! Of course, I would balk! My physical existence revolves around the pain perspective. Automatically, I considered what driving and sitting in order to be vetted by someone I do not know nor knows me, and who will be making crucial input on my vocational future--caught me off-guard. I admit I did not react with holy indifference.
I also had concerns as to if I'd be a disappointment regarding my take on hermit life as more hidden and solitary and not cut out for the hermit communities that are increasingly prominent among publicly professed hermits. I suppose the practical aspect of people sharing financial responsibilities and maintenance is partly the motivation. I've noticed when doing a bit of research, that some persons who become CL603 hermits seem to soon or initially want to have others join them, or desire to create hermit communities early on. Just is not for me, not what God has willed, not my mind, heart nor body's ways of being.
So I inquired of the intermediary person (whom I've also not met), and I was assured there have been no such plans for communities as I described. I was confused, as there seems to be indication of that; but clarification is best. I did ask the third person involved, the one who is considered excellent in spiritual discernment and will advise the bishop, if there was possibility of that person coming nearer to where I am.
I awoke this morning just seeing myself as I am or definitely was the night prior. "Rude" was the word that came to mind! Transparently wearing my feelings on my sleeve. (My dad used to say that to me as a child: Try not to wear your feelings on your sleeve! Play your cards close to your chest.) Thus I attempted a brief (brevity not my writing strength) apology of sorts to the intermediary contact, and that of course I am grateful for the opportunity to meet, understand fully the necessity for and expediency of being discerned and screened, and will do the drive as it is only pain, after all--and can recover the next day or so, whatever it takes.
I then sent a brief email to the third party involved, saying I will of course drive and am grateful for the willingness to take time to get to know me a bit and advise the bishop. (No mention of what I'd inquired in previous email, of perhaps that person sometime coming nearer to where I live and thus meeting then....) Where are my manners, my consideration of others, my graciousness? Pain is what I offer the Church and for souls! The Lord gives me the time to suffer, and so it will mean an extra day or two of suffering. What difference does it make?
Either way, whatever decision matters not to my interior, for my way of life will not alter. I only need to live it better regardless of if I am a hermit according to what has become the way of hermits, the CL603 way, or I will not be that, maybe not even an external hermit or never consider myself a hermit in word or label. Yet, what is within will always be in this life time. The main point that seems of importance for this Lent, at least in the first three days (more can certainly come and likely will!), is the lesson of dying, and how good it is to die in Lent.
Thus the words of Jesus from yesterday's Mass Gospel of Luke 9:22-25 make glorious sense to me:
"Jesus said to his disciples: 'The Son of Man must suffer greatly and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised from the dead.' Then he said to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life must lose it, and whoever who loses his life for my sake will save it. What profit it for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit himself?'"
The process of dying to self regarding whatever others decide as to my vocational fate is what the Lord desires of me more than the outcome. The process of self-effacement, of humility, of holy indifference, of gratitude and graciousness regarding others' ways of living their vocations, of considering my hermit life to be rather poorly lived as it is--these are the benefits the Lord wills for my Lenten lessons.
It comes down to renunciation of self. And I muffed it last night, caught unexpectedly in a response unanticipated--of which I am grateful to have been given a response! Just was not expecting another party involved, but the only reason for my reticence really is that of some flashbacks of past and of the prudence and wisdom of not discussing my mystical life with other than a rare priest if need be. The mystical situation simply complicates matters, and I have learned is not necessary nor even of any benefit to other.
Thus, the commentary of St. Frances de Sales (Bishop of Geneva and Doctor of the Church, 1567-1622) also made marvelous sense to me. It "hit home;" I grasped what the Lord is trying to get through to me, at least for the beginning of this Lent. While I would have preferred simply a 15-minute drive and meet with the intermediary person or even the bishop himself to be discerned, that is not the process the bishop chooses and thus not what the Lord wills or allows.
What would that teach me of the above dying to self aspects--even of willingness to suffer more by having to sit and drive much farther? What would that teach me of dying to self and having to open up to a third-person and to simply release my vocation unto that person's assessment in a one-time meeting and more sitting unless by then I must get on the floor... after a long drive to where I've never been and likely never will again?
The outcome of even meeting with the third party regarding the disposition of my hermit vocation, will not be for a couple of months, and depending on the person's discernment and "take", there likely would ensue, further processes. Thus, it is all about process and my learning of utter self-renunciation and holy indifference. After all, the third party now pivotal in the process, or myself, or both, could be dead before an in-person meeting. Let go my ideas, my will. Not my will...be done.
"The love we have for ourselves is both affective and effective. Effective love is the kind which governs the great, ambitious of honors and riches, who acquire numerous good things for themselves and never tire of gaining them; these I say love themselves greatly with that effective love. But there are others who love themselves even more with affective love: these are excessively gentle with themselves and never do anything but spoil and care for and comfort themselves: they fear anything that might harm them so much that it is a sorrowful sight.
"This tenderness is the more unbearable in things of the spirit than in bodily things, especially if by some misfortune it is practiced or undertaken by the most spiritual people, who would like to be saints all at once without it costing them anything, not even the struggles caused by the repugnances of the lower part of the soul towards those things that are contrary to nature.
"To reject our repugnances, silence our preferences, mortify our affections, mortify our judgment and renounce self-will is something that the affective and tender love we bear towards ourselves cannot allow without crying: oh, how much it costs! And in this way we do nothing.
"It would be better to carry a little cross made of straw someone has laid on my shoulders without my choosing than to go and cut down a much bigger one in the woodland with a great deal of work and then carry it with much labor. And it will be more pleasing to God with the straw cross than with that which it would have fashioned with far more trouble and sweat and would bear with more satisfaction because of the self-love which is so pleased with its own inventions and so little at allowing itself to be led and governed."
I particularly love the finale line of being reminded of the good at allowing oneself to be led and governed as opposed with being pleased and satisfied with one's own inventions, ideas, ways of doing and being. Self-renunciation, self-mortification, even allowing oneself to be mortified or potentially so by others--ah, how good it is to die in Lent!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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