Holy Thursday began with major pain relief, which seems out of place for the ordeal Jesus endured for my sinfulness, and the betrayal by Judas in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sometime during the night and before the cock would crow, after Jesus' arrest, Peter would deny Him three times.
Had the external trial for the intrathecal pump yesterday. Was an ordeal better suited for Holy Thursday, but we go with God's flow in our days here on earth. First time other than during mystical state at Mass, and a brief time following the transverberation of heart back in 1995, did I have no lumbar pain, no pain going down the legs into the feet, and even there was relief for thoracic and cervical spine; the headache was also toned down some.
The medication is injected into the spinal "sac" or inner space, of which always there is risk of spinal fluid leak, and of course, more Adhesive Arachnoiditis effects. No local anesthetic, no sedation; must remain quite still! The point of the external pain pump trial is to check to see if the pain medication injected directly into the spinal cord will positively reduce or relieve pain, and also to make sure there are no adverse side effects of if some, what ones. Had to wait an hour following the procedure, lying on left side, body tilted toward exam table, to assure no spinal headache, and then had been told to continue that position in bed for a couple hours.
Side effects began before the two hours had passed. At first I did not grasp what was occurring, but after they increased in number and intensity, I researched side effects of Dilaudid. I had hoped to be able to capitalize on the incredible sensation after nearly 36 years, of so much pain relief, by testing it out--doing some gardening or such. The only thing I managed later on was taking out three trash containers to curb--and needed them to hold onto for one side effect was imbalance. So the external trial was bittersweet, as what good would it be to have the awful side effects (won't go into them all) and not functional, yet little pain above top of lumbar and no pain below?
But this morning the side effects had nearly all subsided, and I did not have pain other than the pain where the needles had been inserted. A pain pump will not handle pain other than what is within the spinal cord where a tube is placed that attaches to a pump the size of a hockey puck, imbedded through an incision under the skin of abdomen. Tube is inserted into an incision in the back, but is fed into the pump in the abdomen. The dose of trial injection must have been too much; so today I had a glorious day physically, even if I had some thoughts of why no pump for all these years? My life would have been quite different, but more so, my now adult children's lives would have been much improved without a pained single parent, not to mention the low income of disability pay. (And I'm so grateful for any income at all!)
By evening my pal pain is returned. Started to kick in this afternoon. Yet I still had energy and squeezed what bit of the surreal experience of all that pain of lumbar on down--gone! I made the most of it, while praying for Tom who remains on ventilator in hospital with COVID-19, for his sister so worried, and then for my long time friend who I so hurt, and with loving thoughts all the same and for one of their sons whose birthday is today. So tonight was heavy duty, more appropriately for Jesus' agony in the Garden. I considered yet again Peter's great love for Jesus, and of his cutting off the ear of the soldier who was in process of arresting Jesus. Jesus rebuked Peter and replaced, miraculously the Centurian's ear. Jesus' purpose and mission as God-Man, had begun its denouement, it's unfolding.
We are in the Triduum now.
But first thing this morning, when reading the Scriptures of the Last Supper which occurred prior to Jesus wanting to go to the garden to pray--and his best friends could not even stay awake for an hour to keep watch--I also read this commentary on the Gospel of John, by Origen, priest and theologian, c. 185-253. As it turns out, for me, the Last Supper, the prayer of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, the betrayal by Judas and the denial by Peter, all were being lived out in deep within me despite the concurrent, surreal experience of pain reduced for much of this Holy Thursday.
The thoughts of Origen, particularly that of Jesus taking on the filth of my feet--in essence, the dirt of or in my soul--of all our filth we humans accumulate in our minds, hearts, and souls, so affected me. Additionally, there was more thought within my mind, and some communication with the one I betrayed and hurt so terribly, as well as thought of my cousin now on the other side, not wanting me to be so sad and ashamed. Indeed, tomorrow, Good Friday, I will pray for inspiration to write a beautiful tribute of his life to send to the many cousins and one remaining aunt. I've had to consider the betrayal by Judas and the betrayal or denial by Peter; each betrayed their best friend and God!
In what Origen writes of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples at His Last Supper with them, His closest allies, His disciples, I realized the Lord once more was asking me to let Him wash me and make me clean, for He is willing to take my filth from me and bear it away to the Cross on Golgotha. Tomorrow He will be crucified in a sense, yet another Good Friday, in order to take away my sins.
Of course, Jesus died once and for all, and saved us from our sins by His death on the cross; but in the on-going sense of Jesus always with us, guiding, teaching, admonishing, praying, and forgiving us our sins, these three days of the Triduum seem to be our re-memorializing, re-visualizing, re-understanding the powerful import of God's tremendous gift to us in His Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
"'Jesus, fully aware that the Father had put everything into His power and that He had come from God and was returning to God, rose from supper.' That which had not been in Jesus' hands before is put into His hands by the Father: not just some things and not others, but everything. David had said: 'The Lord says to my lord: Sit at my right hand while I make your enemies your footstool' (Ps 109[110]:1). "The enemies of Jesus shared out, as it were, that 'all' which He knew His Father was giving Him....
"On account of those who were far away from God, He was separated from God, who, by nature, did not wish to leave the Father. he left God so that all who have been separated from God should return to God with Him, in His hands, according to His eternal design....
"So what was Jesus doing in washing the feet of His disciples? By washing them and wiping them with the towel around His waist, wasn't Jesus making their feet beautiful at the moment when they were going to have to proclaim the good news? It was then, in m opinion, that the prophetic word was fulfilled: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who proclaim the good news!' (Is 52: 7; Rm 10:15).
"But if, by washing the feet of His disciples, Jesus makes them beautiful, how can we express the genuine beauty in those whom He immerses fully 'in the Holy Spirit and in fire' (Mt 3:11)? The feet of the apostles were made beautiful so that...they might set out along the holy road and walk in Him who said: 'I am the Way' (Jn 14:6). For whoever has had his feet washed by Jesus, and He alone, follows that living way that leads to the Father. That way has no room for dirty feet!
"In order to follow this living, spiritual way (Heb 10:20)....they had to have their feet washed by Jesus who set aside His garments...so as to take upon His own body the dirtiness of their feet with the towel which was His only garment, for 'He bears our infirmities' (Is 53:40." ~Origen
Jesus, please wash my dirty feet. Thank You for bearing my sins away, for taking upon Yourself my many infirmities of body, mind, heart, and soul.
God bless His Real Presence in us on this Holy Thursday and always!
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