This morning I was utterly crushed, at the point of giving up. The physical pain with summer's heat utterly drains the bodily energy; my spirits have been depleted by further stripping of what has been too painful to even share other than a stripping of what means most to my heart and mind temporally, of my earthly life.
God is doing it in types of rejection, in essence and reality, and I'd lost sight of God in my suffering. The human in me fell to feelings, understandable, but not helpful. I forced the body to do a little painting of siding--back side, lower level, first color coat as priming is completed for that section of house; the new color is much lighter than the previous. Yes, let there be light!
I need light, Lord.
In the morning pain--physical and mind and heart, even soul--I so longed to be with those who always loved me and still do: those on the other side, those who have passed on and are in the Light of His Real Presence eternally, all intact except temporal bodies left behind. And me--they left me behind as soon, I hope, I will be leaving, also, never to bodily return unless God sends me in corporeal vision or voice to help someone here on earth, just as He has sent others in person--loved ones and holy personages, angels, Mary, and Jesus--to help me from time to time.
But how I so wanted to and still desire to be lifted out of this body and this temporal existence to enjoy the love and companionship of those I love and who have always loved me, and to be in His Real Presence in Heaven. The desire to physically die was so strong and stronger yet the desire to be with those who encouraged and supported, guided and taught, and loved me on earth, and of whom I loved and trusted without reason to not--that I wondered if I could possibly last it out, endure unto the end here on earth.
As my temporal body of pain sickened with the increase in heat of day, I had to return to bed, Love and Mercy put in their crates for a nap. Then His Real Presence and His Living Word--Paul's Second Letter to Timothy--reminded me of Paul's same feelings, that of feeling as if he could not make it to the end, that the suffering and God's stripping him of all but God Himself, felt overwhelming.
Second Letter to Timothy 4,6-8.17-18.
I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith.
From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearance.
But the Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that through me the proclamation might be completed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was rescued from the lion's mouth.
The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat and will bring me safe to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen.
Dear His Real Presence please give me the strength to persevere until the end here on earth. Thank You, Lord, for being with me in the struggle of suffering, as it is intensifying, and my yearning for those I love and who al my life loved me, is strong...while my body feels weak. Help me to relinquish those you are separating from me here, and teach me to handle the added solitude with grace. Help me to not have hurt feelings and to understand this as Your will for my spiritual progression and for Your great utilization of my soul, and suffering, in any way You desire. Help me pray and love all the more those that are not mine. Please heal my heart of the human mind and heart wounds. Thank You, Dear His Real Presence.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Love in His Love!
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