Well, I did it. Was up around 2:30 a.m., unable to return to sleep. Pain can do that to a body. But in reading the day's Mass Scriptures, I gained the strength to face the reality: I must write to the intermediary for the Bishop and explain that I have no way of driving my pained body to meet with the third-party who is wonderfully willing to get to know me and spiritual discern me and my eremitic vocation.
This is necessary and expedient, or so I think, to have someone the Bishop himself trusts to advise the him in what I assume would be a first step before he would take time from a most-busy schedule, to meet with me. It is essentially a screening--a casting call, if you will!--which makes sense as the Bishop's tasks fill most hours of days and into the nights. Really, a bishop and a hermit are temporally in quite different responsibility modality. Then, in this process of my aligning with the CL603 having become the standard for hermits.
At some point, if I seem to pass muster initially, then I would surely meet with him. I assume, also, that my vow and my rule of life he'd want to approve or possibly even tweak the wording or ask for some additions or deletions. But since I've been a privately professed and avowed hermit in the Church for over 20 years with over 15 months of that time a lived discernment and practicum of the hermit vocation, I realize that my process is likely to be simpler than if I were starting out inexperienced and raw.
So I did it. I emailed the intermediary and explained more in depth the effects of the pain situation, and that notably, Adhesive Arachnoiditis patients' prominent symptoms are inability to sit or to stand in one place for any length of time. (In fact, my first surgeon years ago specified for the disability folks and for my school district where I was employed, that my sitting and standing were limited to 5 minutes at any one time--and that not comfortably but do-able. The longer stints I can physically "sit," but the pain is debilitating and aftermath predictably horrifically painful and requires indefinite bedrest and added medication.) I did not get into too many details but did mention the pain sieges.
I apologized for being, right off the bat--a "pain"! I simply have no realistic way to drive the distance that others would not even think about; but perhaps someone at the diocese offices knows of someone who might drive me so that I could recline in the back seat, and bring me back home. Granted, this would be a tremendous inconvenience. I can pay gas and time, but the person also would need to wait while the third party and I visited with one another and after I had answered whatever questions helpful. Even for that length of meeting, I would get down on the floor. (At least I'm far enough along in my recent surgery recovery that I'm able to get myself down on the floor and back up--not easy, but I'm sure my angel is helping me in ways that the physical and occupational therapists had told me I'd not be able to make such movements going forward.)
So I have laid out my dilemma, and that is all I can do at this point. I did mention that this has been a concern of mine, and I am sure the Lord has other trials than this one for me to learn and grow through this Lent! What is major difficulty and un-doable obstacle to me, would be nothing at all to others. Yes, we will see what transpires.
I did express that I would not want the process to not proceed due to this logistical, physical problem, for otherwise I am mobile, am starting to do small amounts of manual labor, can converse and would so enjoy meeting with whomever. I just can't drive that distance with safety to others on the road. Plus, I admitted that the pain I would suffer following such a trip is nothing I want, but I am willing to suffer it--just have to get my body from here to there, somehow.
I also mentioned the benefit of my pain situation in the hermit vocation. The suffering is a blessing and also provides me with "cover" from those who want to be friends and go and do, or to have me over for dinner or out to eat. My not being able to sit without much pain, provides reason for graciously declining invitations. In the past, I myself was too easily drawn out into the world; thus the Lord explained to me a reason why He chose not to remove the pain. He said to me and through me, that if I did not have the pain, I'd be too easily drawn out into the world. This is not what He wills and wants of me in this life. He said, also, when Dr. H. asked the question if there would ever be a healing or removal of this pain sometime in my life, "While on earth, she shall know earthly pain!"
While I do not want to have to renounce my hermit vocation after all these years and now all the more stripped in various ways to be of better service to the Lord and in prayers for the salvation of souls and the world, and am able to be a hidden and silent witness of the mystery of the Church--I have to accept whatever the Bishop decides. Maybe they will come up with a Plan B, or perhaps they will know of someone who could drive me, or perhaps they will decide that phone or Face Time might suffice although I think being in-person is the best possible means of discerning a person.
This day's Psalm 138 (portions thereof) as well as how Esther in the First Reading is just at the point of calling upon God to help her in what was life or death situation--Esther and the Psalmist called upon the Lord for His help and to give strength. The Lord through the Scriptures once again helped me to have the courage to admit to the Bishop's intermediary that I am hindered in being able to logistically, physically "do" what is the very first request.
(Some readers might not comprehend why this has meant so much to me, and the dilemma I feel and was distracting my Lent; I am intrinsically bonded with the Lord and with the hermit vocation; and I must be willing to die to self and detach if that is the outcome.) But I particularly found and yet find immense understanding, courage, and strength in today's Psalm Reading.
The verses selected for today's Mass from Psalm 138 seem to fit just right! They speak to me of this situation and how I feel, and how the Lord wants me to feel--to trust in Him. The Psalm speaks to my needing to ask the Lord and then the bishop's intermediary for help in the dilemma I'm facing. The Psalm provide's the Lord's assurance that He will complete what He has done in me thus far in my life temporally and spiritually.
"I will give thanks to you, O LORD, with all my heart,
for you have heard the words of my mouth;
in the presence of the angels I will sing your praise;
I will worship at your holy temple.
I will give thanks to your name,
because of your kindness and your truth.
for you have made great above all things
your name and your promise.
When I called, you answered me;
you built up strength within me.
Your right hand saves me.
The LORD will complete what he has done for me;
your kindness, O LORD, endures forever;
forsake not the work of your hands.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Now, may this Lent continue for all of us according to His will!
[Mercy! Just now as I finished writing out this Psalm reading, the candle in glass container that has been burning by my statue of Our Lady of Solitude/Sorrows--the candle exploded! It began to burn items on the dresser and has left scorch marks on the antique wood dresser itself. I am praising God that I was yet in here to get up and put out the fire that began immediately. Praise God!]
Later: Already heard back from the intermediary. Says I am overthinking this. Yes, I am. Not easy, this situation and added worse not having met the persons. Also, what is so deeply and vastly integral to my life--this hermit vocation that the Lord chose for me and which I've been living to varying degrees of goodness or poorness in the past over 20 years, is a major to me. It is more major than I could have suspected, myself, until my vocation is at stake and in the offing. So all the more I have to trust in the Lord, and hand over all aspects of this process. Turns out the third party can and does drive, so I am to simply request that after Easter. Simple solution that I realize I could have far more simply asked--but I did not want to start out first-thing, seeming uncooperative. Lent continues; and physical pain remains quite high.
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