I continue to find positive points regarding the sharing of suffering. Thus, I differ in some regards to St. Raphael Baron's points on suffering, although I think he has excellent advice and considerations for which to strive in suffering. I especially love the last two points of which I already commented; and the selection from his spiritual writings are in my previous two blog posts.
The effects of this higher level pain leached into my email to the intermediary of the bishop, when I wrote yesterday admitting (and in unnecessary detail no doubt) that I cannot realistically or physically manage to drive to meet with the third-party screening, even though I'd love to! Yes, I'd love to be able to sit to eat, to drive, to appreciate the countryside and vistas. It is challenge enough to do an occasional act of charity when called upon, to drive a short distance to transport someone in need of a ride.
It can be quite difficult for those without pain all the time or some other type affliction (I imagine mental illness would be similar in its constancy but not as physically debilitating as pain) to truly be able to think or perceive in terms of what a constant affliction such as higher level pain, does to a person's entire, human existence. I've found that the past several days are a blur. I know I should not again attempt such as the airplane flight even if all I had to do is sit and when I could, to stand in aisle, and could take more pain meds, and had nothing but comfort and restful situation in the visit.
This added level of suffering is to be expected upon my return, but the lungs and sinus issues are added suffering, along with the intestines react when I have to be in bed more and the pain is higher. The intestines are in direct correlation with the pain; this I know having discerned for myself the pattern since the spine surgery. The pain pump would help immensely, but the pain doctor is delaying the decision, at least until July. He might change his mind--depending on my situation, of which I need to let him know that the pain is worsening and am having harder time functioning.
But I've been pondering the saints' attitude and way of dealing with suffering of various types, including especially persecutions that they faced and endured from others. Also, I have considered the time periods in which they lived, as well as how the Church has shifted over the years. Even such horrors as sexual abuse in the clergy and crimes against parishioners, especially children, which were kept hidden, and even priests to whom people would go in confession to tell of what had happened to them so horribly and wrongly, would advise to never speak of it, to bear the suffering and shame, and what we know now also is great emotional and psychological damage.
So bearing sufferings in silence and keeping our suffering hidden, such as St. Baron writes from his early 20th century perspective and life cut short by much suffering and early death, is not necessarily the best nor most prudent way to manage pain and suffering. Yet, in my previous thoughts in the other posts, the factor of situation and circumstance makes a difference.
I just wrote an email to someone who has been in contact and sends commentary on a saint for the day plus responds some to what I may write, and since it is early morning and am waiting for pain med to take hold the little-but-thankful bit it does, my pain leached through and tainted all that I wrote. In fact, I wrote on and on as that is an automatic means of my mind leaving the body in distraction.
But this time I stopped myself and deleted all but the first line, which had to do with a saint who is celebrated on this date. Happens to be St. Colette who was an anchoress for approximately four years before the Lord called her out of eremitic life in which she was very penitential and austere, and St. Francis came to her in a vision and asked her to reform his Order which had become lax within 100 years of his passing.
This person who on occasion asks questions regarding hermit life, had been interested in my considerations of suffering and whether or not one should be as stoic as the saints. (I myself have considered that some physical suffering lasts but a few hours before the person expires, and that might be easier in some ways for a person so suffer heroically.
But those who suffer constantly do need to try to mask the suffering when around others, to some extent, because being reminded of pain and suffering does not alter the reality, and others cannot fully relate, and more so, they are left with a helplessness because they cannot change or fix the suffering. Yet, those who have the disposition to do so, can be a support and a friend, all the same. That is probably the best act of charity people can give of themselves to those with chronic suffering, especially those with mental illness as they tend to be most misunderstood, in my opinion.
For the person dealing with high levels of constant pain, it is incredibly difficult to not have that pain infiltrate every fiber and aspect of one's body, mind, heart, and even soul. Thus, uniting oneself with Christ and finding Jesus in the pain, is about the most helpful means of enduring that I've come upon. The other means is of distraction, and I've had to accept that when in severe pain, reading is not at all easy for the mind cannot focus nor retain much, and the effort also is greater than more passive distractions such as a film or documentary, or hearing pundits discuss news. Of the latter, perhaps the only good in that is the reminder of the world out there in which many prayers are needed, and to consider other lives as pain also can cause the sufferer to become myopic and self-absorbed.
However, this morning I have been calling out to Jesus to help me, to talk to me if He will, if He wants, and to guide me in what I pray will be a day of better self-discipline in some spiritual reading even if just a small effort with the Divine Office. The spinal headache is worse than usual, so will have to see how it goes.... I am dealing with a sense of guilt or unworthiness as a result of the struggle to be more disciplined, as a Catholic hermit.
I consider that I am not so able to remain stilled (without distractions to help manage the pain) and to simply pray in stillness. It is difficult to keep the mind from activity and thoughts--which are also distractions that help tone down the effect of raw pain. And then I remind myself that my body and the pain itself, is offered as prayer. Pain becomes the prayer, and the pain management techniques also are included. I might not ever be able to pray with a stilled mind, pray in a total rest mode--unless the Lord would take me out of myself in mystical ecstasy.
Then I also remind myself of Jesus' mercy. He understands my situation; He knows the level of pain and now the lung and sinus issues. He loves that I am trying, simply trying, to manage this situation and have desires to be for others not simply a blob of pain, talking of pain, being negative and not at all relatable other than as pain or the effects of pain--which do tend to come off to most others as negative and complaining.
A neighbor the other evening said it looks as if I'm doing much better. Well, I was dragging trash bags outside and getting the dolly under, and wheeling them to the curb. He had no idea of how ill I was with sinus and lung crud, nor that I'd been in bed up until that point in which I had to get trash to curb for pickup the next morning. He asked how I was doing. I said that the pain remains higher ever since surgery and that I spend way too much time in bed, but that I do need to keep going, to try to push myself to be up and about.
I could sense he became turned off when I answered honestly; and I realized that even though he and his wife are long-time hospital nurses, he did not want honesty. He wanted me to simply answer, "Yes, I am doing much better, thank you." And I did thank him for asking when also stating how we need to keep going. What difference did it make for me to initially answer honestly? So reading the situation and the person is important, and in fact, the bulk of people do not want to hear actuality when it comes to intractable pain situation for it only seems negative, and in fact, it is negative! I keep being reminded of such points and continue to vow to do better.
Yet in other situations, what the person who emails of the daily saints had to offer to the conversation I find quite good. (This friend suffers from mental illness that has been quite a cross to bear, requires much medication and altered life for both the person and spouse.) The friend quoted Archbishop Sheen's comment referring to a positive aspect of confession but thinks it relates (as do I) with good point of sharing of one's suffering with others.
"Bishop Sheen writes: 'Nothing so much brings one person in contact with another as the confession of sin.' I think this is true of physical pain, also. There is merit in suffering in silence, but when others know of your pain, they can pray for you, and pray for our weaknesses of body and spirit. You are a victim soul hermit. Your daily suffering puts you in another category than someone with little or no pain."
The next time the friend wrote, they'd been to a parish study of Bishop Sheen's book, The Life of Christ. Someone in the gathering said something that reminded the friend of what I'd written about the good of seeing or hearing of others suffering, and of appreciating our blessings all the more. The person in the gathering shared that her husband is going blind, but there was a young man at the ophthalmologist office who was in a wheelchair and also with a serious eye condition. So his condition was more serious than her husband's, and at such a young age compared to her elderly husband.
I happen to remember the person the friend writes about. And the memory is most happy and joyous, for the person is deeply spiritual and close to Christ, and we had connection years ago when I'd go into their bakery for a cup of coffee after Mass at a small parish in which the Lord had the assignment for me of a priest who had serious problems. And from all that, there was much persecution and negativity toward me from many others, but I had to do something strong and rightful despite all else. It was a most sad and exhausting ordeal, for I was crushed at heart with the Lord showing me the troubled priest's interior and hidden life.
While the bishop of that diocese was so grateful to me in that situation, saying I had "saved the Church!"--there later with the mystical ecstasies during Mass beginning, there were sorrows, negativities, and persecutions as a result. But remembering the person whose husband is going blind--the Lord is reminding me that I, too, benefit from reminders of the positive people, of the loving and kind and good people. Not all was traumatic or negative. Even if in those times, people felt as if they needed to distance, that is typical of most people scattering when one is being crucified. Just look to Jesus for example of that--and also how He dealt with it. So must I!
I've written myself out now, and the headache and pain intervene for my attention. Away with the thoughts and writing; I turn to Christ now in the pain, and will try something for the headache and get the body up to make a cup of coffee! God bless that I can have coffee! God bless Fran (and her nearly-blind husband( for being such a positive light in my life back then and also now, rekindled in memory! God bless this day! God bless our love!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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