Enduring Grace--These two words came to me just now as title for this post; but immediately I recognized the two words as main title for a book my late mother sent me around 1992. Enduring Grace: Living Portraits of Seven Women Mystics, by Carol Lee Flinders. While my mother did not realize, or probably not, that the women were Catholic mystics (their names did not have the title of "Saint" before them, this was the book that, when I read it, I recognized for the first time in my life: These are my people! These are my friends! These are with whom I relate!
This evening, however, "enduring grace" is that with which the Lord is bequeathing me so that I may recover from having to sit this morning. Yes, I am absolutely ill with pain. But while having to sit this morning, other words came to mind. These are the simple little words that perhaps 10-12 years ago came to mind in another place and another phase. They formed a type of repetitive mantra or saying--a quite cheerful one that at the time I shared with a cousin who also decided to write down and repeat it now and then. We needed positivity reminders!
I'm a happy, positive, upbeat, inside-out-joyful, Eucharistic Catholic!
This morning the Holy Spirit filled my mind and heart with these words and the recognition of just how negative can be some people--and that includes me! I can read what others write and feel absolutely negative from the derisive tones and the prideful criticism of others. Thus, the emphasis of the reminder of that refrain, of sorts, repeating in my mind as I sat and pondered just how easily any of us can be tempted to negativity, to pride, to criticizing others and of setting ourselves up as judge and jury, as triumphal authority figures over other human beings.
I am guilty myself of doing this--of letting some aspects of life "get to me". The Holy Spirit also reminded me of a time when I would notice someone or other at Mass in poor behavior or inappropriate apparel, distracting or misbehaving. But had God asked me to be in charge, to be observing them and criticizing? No, He certainly had not! Indeed, I have been through various temptations and have fallen to temptation--to be quite opinionated and judgmental. I'm sure the temptations will continue until I'm plucked from this temporal life.
So it is that I realized this morning while sitting, with pain rising, with the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am a happy, positive, upbeat, inside-out-joyful, Eucharistic Catholic--that I have held too strong of opinions on those who enter the hermit vocation with desire for others to join in a hermit community. It is quite all right for hermit communities to be formed by as many hermits as want to form them, or to make provision for and write rules or requirements just in case others might join a hermit or couple or more hermits living in community. All of a sudden, I wondered, "What should that matter to me or to anyone?
I've had some persons email and comment upon a hermit they think has had more of a vocation or wish to be a religious sister with active apostolate and is not living a life in keeping with what the Church asks of Her hermits--not in CL603 and not in The Catechism's §920, §921. But I ask, "What difference does it make?" That is no concern of anyone's but that hermit and the hermit's bishop. How other hermits live their lives certainly do not hinder in any aspect the Lord's forming me and the way in which I desire the silence of solitude, the stricter separation from the world, the focus on spiritual emails and prayer requests, and of living a more hidden form of hermit life--not standing out by wearing a habit, but simply letting my crucifix be the reminder of my life hidden in Christ.
Yet, I certainly am not opposed to those who wear habits; and I realize that my insistence in describing or writing what I discovered for myself in such matters that led me to do otherwise, still does not at all mean that others should not try out or do what they feel best or most comfortable with, or what in their hermit lives seems best in being a silent witness to the mystery of the Church and of intimacy with Christ. Yet, I think I have seemed, by my path being one way, to not be disapproving of what others choose. And perhaps I have had a taint of that in me--that of disapproval or of my way being the better way.
Well, of course--it is the better way for me! The Lord has formed me and allowed me trial by error, and thus He has taught me what is best over the years--for me! And this morning a great weight was lifted from me, for so much of observations and of reading of other than saint hermits' lives can become rather negative and burdensome and conflicting. I must keep in mind and heart that the Lord is forming me, and the Lord is surely forming them--each individual hermit out there!
So much has to do with perspective! And no one hermit is the judge and the jury or the judge or the jury. I also had a great upsweep of the positivity of recognizing the good of so many options and ways of being and living out of the hermit vocation! I found another blog site in which the hermit, a priest-hermit, shares many of the same aspects as do I, but he realized early on that the CL603 for hermits was going to be the path, the way of hermits now and onward.
I find the dying to self that is so exquisite, that can come from the variations in bishops and how they perceive the hermit vocation in particulars, or of the various priest or religious order superiors they delegate the spiritual direction of their diocese hermits. This is a positive, not a negative. And ultimately, who cares if there is experimentation among hermits and their bishops or spiritual directors? God knows everyone is striving to learn and to grow, to live out this vocation in love of Christ and His Church.
As for the reminder of positivity in my own hermit life, my own human life, my own mind, heart and soul--some ideas came to mind for more feasibly being able to fulfill the first request of the bishop so that I can physically and appreciatively meet with one of the persons to help get to know me, to ask questions of my hermit life of the past twenty-plus years. If I can but manage the logistics, I look forward to meeting and getting to know those who are obviously willing to take the time, and are interested in what this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit--privately professed--can lend, add, and offer of self in Christ to the diocese.
That is, of course, if God wills, to somehow-- however-it-would-be a transferral and renewal, repeating of my vow, rule of life and to make my profession in the presence of the diocese bishop per CL603. If God does not so will, then He will have something other that He wills of me. But the Holy Spirit reminded me this morning that this is all positive, not negative, and to not be influenced by negative or critically judgmental opinions of others.
I must simply be that happy, positive, upbeat, inside-out-joyful, Eucharistic Catholic hermit human child of God and refrain from lapsing into negativity or too-strong-of-opinions, myself. There are possibilities for how to get my pained carcass logistically transported, somehow, so as to converse and answer questions and to get to know those others who need to (and by kindly email desire to--said it would be a "grace" to--) meet me and discuss matters Christian Catholic hermit!
But, Dear Lord, your nothing Catholic Hermit of God is absolutely sick with suffering tonight! But I'm a happy, positive, upbeat, inside-out-joyful, sick with suffering, Eucharistic, Catholic hermit, at that! And I'm certainly willing to die this very night, if that be God's will, for the sitting I had to do has me feeling less of this earth than not.
I've returned from the visit, and with lovely Uber and Lyft driver encounters and with much love in my heart of prayers for those I visited and the plight of the one who is dying of cancer, as well as the plight of one of the drivers, an immigrant struggling financially, who told me of his baby with undiagnosed difficulty keeping food down. Medical tests thus far have not offered a diagnosis; only an endoscopy and MRI results could provide answers. Then the desperate father wants to take his baby to whatever hospital in the country that could offer more help. Praying for this family with very sick baby boy.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
No comments:
Post a Comment