Today began with gratitude the nausea has abated. But the trial of pain and of the negative reminders that tend to be like the slow dripping of gradually melting snow keeps up the steady rhythm.
I cannot let the second day of Advent continue with the sorrows of my flaws and the insecurities that go along with the wondering whys of situations. I can inquire or ask, but for the most part I figure it is as it is; whatever past, could be or not, a cause of effect.
Often I yet think of the man, Randall. and his amazing story of being able to transcend physical pain and to be able to greet each morning with gratitude for all, able to go off to work without disability, sees all with incessant unconditional love, passes easily through dimensions at will.
While I've not recently felt up to reading more in the Garrigou-Lagrange book, The Three Ages of the Interior Life, what I did read helped me understand as best probably any of us could, that Randall had a major miracle occur in his life, in all that he was suddenly able to transcend and experience--a full healing of sorts, allowing him to live a pain-free life and remain in bliss. Yet I do not think the miracle occurred because he focused and meditated on the intake and outflow of his breath, or doctors would be prescribing this method for everyone with pain and suffering.
Regardless, when I am reminded of Randall, I praise God for the gift He allowed and provided. This morning I texted Dr. H., telling him how grateful I am that Randall received this miraculous event, and also thank God for Dr. H.--the two of them off to work today, helping people. To myself, I consider that God has my life as it is, knowing me well, perhaps knowing my weaknesses so well as to know that if I'd had a miraculous healing and able to constantly transcend pain, maybe I'd not be doing such good work as Randall and Dr. H. I have no idea of that, other than I know my own weaknesses and flaws.
I thought of my elderly aunt, and her not wanting a phone call. I thought of a family member and my increasing concern that something is terribly wrong in whatever way, for not responding; and that, too, with a friend who was diagnosed with a rare ailment that could lead to her at some point having colon cancer. But with these, I tend to suspect something of myself at fault. It is hard to figure and factor, the causes and effects that register in others, for everyone has something or many things they are dealing with--numerous causes and a spectrum of effects. Virtues and vices run the gamut of many to few, varied to limited in their aspects.
Even the person who offered to pick up items for me from the large discount store, seems a bit overwhelmed with what I consider a modest list. I even listed the items in order of their location in the store. So I will modify the list. I will even suggest the person not pick up anything for me, as of course I can spend a bit more per item in the grocery and go more often, despite the pain-effect.
Dr. H. just called and offered to try clinical hypnosis over the phone to see about accessing deep within the mind what can potentially help alter the perception of pain. I will pray about that, for the one time he did try that over the phone, several months ago, it was simply a reminder of how weak is that compared to the numinous of God, such as the ecstasy during Mass--even though I am unable to be at Mass and likely won't be for a long time, if again.
For even during the mystical ecstasy in which there is no pain, there would be the gradual build up of cause-and-effect of the physical pain, of which sitting always has made it worse. Thus I rarely would sit. Yet, it is true that God gave me the grace and gift of being able to sit such as three long-drives when I had really no other option but to make it through. There later would be, then, tremendous pain sieges; always there seems a result to the temporal, physical cause.
Dr. H. mentioned even being available to just have someone to talk with about this pain situation. I mentioned how this type of pain and life makes relationships difficult--and he interjected, "to the point of impossible." Yes, I said it can be, but did not get into the aspects in which my own flawed self has--perhaps pain issues enhancing my flaws--done damage. And, it is true, that I definitely am not en par with most persons in general. My perceptions and interior life have not been typical, I guess one could say. That has been a type of pain, of which I suppose most mystics did and would experience.
So we'll see. Dr. H. did agree when I said if people could be healed through focusing on breathing, that would be the therapy everyone would prescribe and be utilizing. I mentioned that at Mass I certainly did not "do" anything; the ecstasy occurs, or occurred, every Mass, simply from my being there. God's will is for whatever His purposes and reasons. I am back to the receptive mode, even in writing this post.
Returning more where my thoughts were going when I began writing earlier, I've been pondering my relationships--loved ones, family and friends. And in reading the Scriptures for today's Masses being celebrated the world over, probably ongoing somewhere multiple times with Mass somewhere always ongoing, these lines from Psalm 122 touch my mind and heart.
The message is direct and positive: To pray for my family and friends, wherever they are in life, with whatever feelings they have, their own issues and trials. I will pray for their good.
Because of my relatives and friends
I will say, 'Peace be within you!'
Because of the house of the LORD, our God,
I will pray for your good.
~Psalm 122:8-9
I think if I can also pray for strength and the grace to make myself return to reading, and to get up and try to do little tasks in the hermitage, and when the snow melts to try walking again, it will also be for my good, and for God and because of the house of the Lord, our God. We are in His house, always; His Tabernacle is within us, as well.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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