It takes me all morning to physically rise.
Again this morning, but am reflecting upon what is going on in the hours, such as today, between 6 a.m. and noon. In the exterior, which is in part deal with by externals like meds and coffee, the interior informs the exterior. The reading of this Sunday's Mass Scriptures were of the interior, a miraculous melding of conversation with God that both soothes and excites the soul.
But the bulk of the hours are spent simply being on the icy pad on the bed, availing myself to His Real Presence. I'm understanding this deep communication with God all the more now, perhaps recognizing it which is beneficial for me to do. Following up on the leading of the Holy Spirit, I'm being taught recognition and assurances in Garrigou-Lagrange's The Three Ages of the Interior Life. It is wondrously amazing to find the joys of God's graces when something clicks deeply within, that effects spiritual growth that binds us all the more in the heart of God, in the Holy Trinity.
So much becomes clear. Even the types of inner conversations we all have, are explained as to when and how they may move from conversations with self, tinged with the temporal aspects of our lives which include a type of unsatisfying self-love and duty, to conversation with God that takes us beyond the temporal and ourselves, and into God, into His love. That conversation is filled with graces that we learn to accept and appreciate even though often wordless conversation.
And the phases of our journey into interior life--they follow a natural course yet sometimes extraordinary signs or experiences occur to some. The extraordinary signs of supernatural phenomenon are signals outside the normal progression of a soul's interior life leading into union with God. The normal way of seeking God and experiencing union does not include extraordinary events or signs. This is very good to know, to reassure those who may doubt or envy, either way, those persons who have such signal graces. Most people advance within, progress in the interior life to union with God without extraordinary events or signs.
While I've realized that I am in a reparation phase, within a large phase of spiritual progression, I must not let the consequences of my sin affect too much, for the grace of full forgiveness is granted, and our journeys continue even if the Holy Spirit also continues to point out insights we can learn from our confessed sins, our wrong-doings, our vices and human flaws. But reading that in even the unitive phase, following the illuminative which follows the purgative way of the interior life, there is reparation in the unitive phase.
I have wondered how it is that I could be given such signal graces and marvelous conversation with God while at the same time, still perform badly, fall back into my bad tendencies and act on them. Once more I considered how lacking in self-control, and that I so easily over-invest myself into others' lives, picking up sensations and sorrows that persist and tend to overwhelm. Yes, it causes me to pray much, but I then also do such as speak or write, working out the upset from my ego, I suppose it is, the part of self that cannot bear sorrows felt of others' situations beyond what I can deal with.
This morning, after last night having read something in the book explaining how we all have sanctifying grace in us, like within a seed as an infant, and graces imparted at Baptism, we still can in our lives struggle with sin and with losing or diminishing our life in Christ. Therein opens what could be a discussion of, and logical, theological explanation of purgation either of the vices and our acting against grace on earth or in purgatory, following our temporal deaths. What stunned me was the mention that a soul who does not confess and repent fully or who commits sins that were avoidable by the person, will require purgation, to be purified before union with Christ and being in the beatific vision, in heaven.
The immensity of how it was stated gripped me. I had not considered the aspect of committing sins that are quite avoidable, and my looseness in expressing upsets and criticisms or whatever else is underlying, even if picking up on something that is not for the best or that I need to not be involved, or even if the Lord is calling me to more solitude and silence, prayer and praise of God--I should not cut myself away other than directly taking hold and with courage and compassion, discontinue close involvement, to discontinue the falsity of what has run its temporal course.
So I presented myself to the Lord with these aspects of which I really cannot adequately express here in words, but to the Lord all was conversed in flashes of deep, interior, wordless thought. I availed myself for perhaps three hours, and I don't recall what all transpired, but it was of His holiness and good, the outcome, even if I cannot describe in words that outcome. Other than, I can state that I must go forth, as what was is not now, and what is and will be, holds promise of renewal and increase of sanctifying graces and progression to the great desire and goal of the Christian's interior life, the soul's union with His Real Presence.
What is not necessary must fall away. The vices turned to virtues. It is all a process, and while some are brought into the unitive way in an immense, seeming "action of supernal movement," many come over a long course, through many levels and types of purifications. Thus, I was surprised to see that the unitive phase includes that of reparation.
As I continue reading (for I am just at the beginning, not yet 50 pages in after the lengthy introduction), I am thankful to God for the saints, such as John of the Cross, St. Thomas Aquinas, and so many others who influenced Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange to teach and mentor St. Pope John Paul II and others, and by Garrigou-Lagrange's writings, teach and mentor me.
Must get up yet again and go for a walk. The couple has been here, loading the logs from the maple trees felled last April. They paid for the wood to use in their wood stove for winter, the same amount as I gave a neighbor man who purchased and plugged in the new battery for my truck. I'm grateful and blessed; we all are.
Praise to and of and in His Real Presence: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
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