In a commentary reading of yesterday's Mass scriptures, I found another hermit to inspire and consider in my own (and I emphasize imperfect) life even if 800 years later.
St. Felix of Valois (1127-1212) is a newcomer for me to get to know, out of the thousands of Christian hermits. The numbers increase over the centuries. I will cite what I found written of him in brief biography.
"St. Felix was son of the Count of Valois. His mother throughout his youth did all she could to cultivate in him a spirit of charity. The unjust divorce between his parents matured a long-formed resolution of leaving the world; and, confiding his mother to her pious brother, Thibault, Count of Champagne, he took the Cistercian habit at Clairvaux.
"His rare virtues drew on him such admiration that, with St. Bernard's consent, he fled to Italy, where he led an austere life with an aged hermit. At this time he was ordained priest, and his old counsellor having died, he returned to France, and for many years lived as a solitary at Cerfroid. Here God inspired him with the desire of founding an Order for the redemption of Christian captives...."
The brief sketch goes on to cite his return to the world to form with a St. John of Matha, at the time a youth, who was inspired as well and together formed and drew up the rules of the Order of the Holy Trinity. The last fifteen years of St. Felix's life was spent working on the development of the rapidly growing religious foundation/order.
While my day thus far has been spent in morning meditation and in pain, of course, having a deeper experience in stilling my mind more, which is a needful effort...I have not had time yet to research Felix of Valois to see about any writings he may have left or more information on his actual hermit years. But his life reminds us that the hermit vocation is not necessarily for the rest of one's life. It just depends--depends on God's will for the hermit, the purpose He has of calling the person to hermit vocation, and then other purposes God wills for the person, such as St. Felix being inspired to found a religious order.
On another note, while being quieted this morning, resting on the icy pad, I had quite the experience--interior and painfully direct--having more to do with recognizing my imperfections and capacity for sins. I trust Mary of Egypt and the Holy Spirit and my angel are digging in to what is needed, as other thoughts came, as well. I recalled more of my flaws, and I reflected upon them with remorse, yet with clear-headedness that surprised me.
The bulk of the penitence still, is sensed in the heart, the interior heart, the spiritual heart. It was more a sense than thoughts in the mind. And it was a defined and all-encompassing sense, a remorse and penitential reality. Otherwise, I also had an insight of how there are two ways of viewing matters, of course, and thoughts of the long time friend and husband, a relative; there is another side, another perspective as always when two persons, and much hurtfulness all in all, suffering, and sadness.
And none of it is for me, not my business, which is part of my flawed self. I need solitary confinement, of sorts. I need it for progression and to fulfill God's will for me and in the hermit vocation in which He called me and of which I am living out--not all that admirably, but striving all the same. This most-deep recognition of my sinfulness is a welcome balm, for I need the self-recognition and admittance, the acceptance, of my vices, sins, and definitely the consequences but also the faith in God's forgiveness. I'm in the "Go" part of "Go and sin no more."
Got up despite wanting to cancel the pain doctor appointment due to much physical pain! I was thrilled that the Lyft vehicles each way, coming and going, were small economy, low-to-ground and most painful rides from the effort of getting in and out to the added pain effect on the fused spine area. I was as thrilled as with the miraculous rides last week in which I was treated with comfortable, up-high and excellent shock absorber vehicles. All are gifts--the painful and the less painful.
Today's first driver and I kept to temporal discussion mostly. The second driver, Abdullah from Sudan, and I had deeper discussion. I was more able to give alms per the blog post I did last night on gifting in spiritual doctrine. It was not directly that--not in terminology--but in the Holy Spirit and of sharing, and of positive discussion of gratitude and how God blesses us. What a hard-working young man, and his tip and review reflects my thankfulness. (And the first driver also, am grateful and expressed that with tip and review, as well. It's what I can "do" that is almsgiving at this time.)
The pain doctor got into the Catholicism issues, saying Thomas Aquianas writes that we continue to work at progressing to God. The pain doctor sent to my phone a talk by a Dr. Joel Beeke on the wrong of Catholic view of assurance of salvation compared to, when I researched Beeke and found a written article by him on the topic, I suppose the Puritan view. In discussion with me, the pain doctor said what Catholics believe, and I had to say that I've never been taught that as a Catholic, but then I've only been a Catholic 24 years.
Something in the article by Beeke has turned me off, and that is as follows:
"The Roman Catholic Church said a Christian cannot have assurance without first having a direct extraordinary revelation from God."
The doctor also said I pray to saints. I said, "No, I ask people to pray for me, and that includes people on earth and my late parents and holy ones and others on the other side, in heaven." (I did not mention those in process to heaven, as why get myself into more difficulties with someone who has a disagreement with Catholicism based on what non-Catholics who also disagree, write and speak?) In I added to my response regarding the worn-out but usual talking point that we pray to saints, I mentioned when we die, we will still be praying for people and situations and praising God. I think he agreed with that. But I guess Catholics will forever be plagued by the untruth that we "pray to saints."
In all this, I'm dealing with the reality and in-coming reminders of details of my sinfulness. The Holy Spirit is having me process my sins and of course, face the reality that such as me requires the hermit cell, the solitary confinement to learn to know myself, all of myself, and that very much includes my propensity to do harm even if not intending.
I am starting to grasp that something about me, in me, gets overly wrought up in situations that are not my business, but I feel matters intensely, and even in the most recent horrible mess-up and hurtfulness to others, I am a repeat offender. I have a terribly hard time of it in such situations, and while a great soul would develop discipline and ignore and not involve themselves prudently and with wise discretion, I do not.
The passing encounters are best for me, such as would be with one in solitary confinement, or under house arrest, or in protective custody would have passing encounters with a cell guard or attorney, or as today, the doctor. And who knows how long until I am in awful situation with a doctor appointment, when he questions me yet more seems to want to convince me of what is not what Catholics believe. Particularly he is convinced on the assurance of salvation point. He mentioned things he said Thomas Aquinas wrote of which I as yet have not found the citations, and I tend not to trust in non-primary source research.
It all boils down to distractions for me, and then I get off into territory far from my hermit vocation, and in which I get myself into trouble, and from there into my flaws and flubs and what is not my business.
I did try to divert discussion with mention of the man's miraculous healing or such, of the gift of being able to transcend physical pain and be back at work, tending his 10-acres and over 100 animals, and active with family. I mentioned it was through following his breath for hours that the man thought the transcendence was given, and the doctor surprised me in appreciating that following the breath can help focus the mind. Yes, but I was surprised that the doctor (Calvinist, Puritan influence) did not oppose, as I prefer that of focus on Christ.
And I tried to divert by mention of grasping my capacity to sin, and of God's forgiveness, but of my understanding my mortal self, how humbling, and of seeking on-going forgiveness as I recognize my wrongs and place myself before Christ in repentance. That only produced from my seeking doctor, a statement that I am like Martin Luther, who felt that way after years of being indoctrinated or such, by the Catholic Church's teachings. Lord, save me. Have mercy on me; yet I deserve all I have coming to me. Am I not to embrace the crosses that come? I ask that I might be with You, Lord, in paradise, like the penitent criminal on the cross beside You.
So here is an example from my life, from a simple morning and doctor appointment. I must drop this distraction, and not do other than stay in my cell here, continue focusing on Christ and this aspect of my wrong-doings of which I'm forgiven but must deal with consequences and learn in this portion of "sin no more." Of course I will sin, but I need to learn far better and live virtuously, as a means to not step into the same sins and cause the same hurts to various people, over and over.
Plus, my shelf-life on this earth is running out, and protective custody is also a gift, for a wayward soul such as mine. I don't deserve God's forgiveness, but he forgives us when we ask; and I am accepting it. And I am grateful for my vocation for I see God's wisdom in it. Thankfully, I don't have to go anywhere for another week. And I will go for walk and shake off the distraction at the doctor's office, as I won't have to deal with more for seven weeks in which I will pray and ask those on the other side to pray for me.
Yes, I'll ask Thomas Aquinas to pray for me and befriend me. Let him pray for and explain to the doctor the truth of what he wrote; let the Holy Spirit put the doctor to peace and contentment with his path. I don't want to be involved; the doctor is convinced of what he thinks Catholics believe. This has been off and on for a year now. I already told the doctor this morning in another attempt to divert, but in truth, that I'm experiencing a deep reality of my sinfulness and also the power of forgiveness, but of recognizing my on-going capacity to sin and how humbling it is.
Mercy, Lord. God bless His Real Presence in us! Let my mind return to the peace of conversation with Abdullah from northern Sudan. In unison with the blessings of God more than a sinful nothing Catholic Christian hermit and a devout Presbyterian Christian doctor.
And here I am, writing yet again about my spiritual journey, my daily life experiences as myself, really the case study, and yet how the interactions evolve with the persons involved. I must return to cell mode, and finish reading the section I'm on in St. Francis de Sales' small book of guidance, of spiritual direction for daily life formation.
St. Felix of Valois, pray for me! Jesus, sustain me and keep forgiving me sin by sin, vice by vice. Holy Spirit and God the Father, keep me in protective custody! Virgin Mary, bless my hermit life with graces from your Son. St. Mary of Egypt, keep teaching me the penitent hermit path.
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