Awoke early. Turned off ice pump as lately the skin and tissue of spinal incision area has been horribly itchy with welts and such; yet without being on the icy pad for long the nerve pain down legs and into feet is quite obvious and painful.
But my thoughts immediately upon awakening go to waiting for Jesus. I read the daily Mass scriptures. I've tried to download some articles on discernment by the late Fr. Ernest Larkin, O. Carm., but no matter, the websites I try repeatedly, are not downloading. I had tried last night, as well. I could get a couple articles through a third-party website but were overviews of Teresa's prayer points--recollection and quiet, plus verbal of the Our Father deepening with our focusing and knowing Christ is within us.
I push aside thoughts of which I wrote to Fr. Vincent last night, not that he will receive depending on his community's internet service in Nigeria. Another two-page plus postage-paid return envelope arrived in the mail yesterday. It was yet another plea on fine vellum stationery, with four-color print photos of a lovely monastery and rounds, and started off telling me that since I am too busy to pray with my hectic life...and on from there explaining how these Benedicting monks will pray for me and what amount of check will I write and send them, and they will pray for me. At least this is the short version of two full pages of convincing me that I don't have time to pray, but they do, and to send money.
I push aside thoughts of the long-time friend and relative, and know within that I must let all that go. The Lord is clearing that which I can do nothing more.
I pray for those who have asked my prayers, and I do that with mental prayer, or so it seems, although anymore I do not know what level it is that I am praying. But not verbal mostly other than now and then, such as when walking yesterday, I used specific words in thanking all the saints and all the holy souls including my late parents and grandparents and relatives and friends who have passed. I particularly thanked them for helping me rear my children, adults now for some years.
But as to my prayer life and focus, I know despite how much silence in my life, my mind is distracted with thoughts and with situations which I realize keep turning in my mind in thoughts and prayers, in love, but truly without resolution for there is nothing to do but let go of so much thought. Just let go.
I cannot even get through the two articles of the above-mentioned Carmelite. They seem to be so many words of which I've read similar in the past, and I realize my mind is wearied with words. Too much outer distraction; mind filled with thoughts. I keep returning to that, yet thankfully my thoughts return to Christ other than when I intentionally use externals to take me far from the deeper thoughts which seem to plague. I then turn to escape, letting the mind escape by external distractions that take no effort but yet are not silent. But somehow they silence my mind, take it away from itself.
Yesterday in writing to Fr. Vincent, I reminded him of one of the last times we saw each other in person, or I think it was. The night before I'd had the experience of my mystical wedding and banquet following. It was an event of major proportions, of course, spiritually and otherwise, for the Lord gave me specific instructions of which yesterday while walking I reconnected with the simplest part of His instructions: Wait. He told me when I'd begged for consummation of our marriage, that I was to wait. He had to leave and go to help some other souls but would return for me, and I was to wait for him.
Fr. Vincent at the time said most often when there is a mystical marriage of this degree and level, the consummation will come at earthly death. I don't know, but I have relaxed much from efforts; I have fond it hard to study and read other than small portions of Scripture. I am weary with pain of various types and yet distract with what probably is not best; yet I realize that I am indeed in a mode of waiting. I am waiting for Jesus to come back for me. Just waiting, and I evidently am fairly content in the waiting.
It feels as if I'm being lazy in this waiting, and I feel and think that I am not using time wisely in the waiting since I am not so focused on effort in the work of exercises and study. I will try yet again today; I think I will attempt to read from a book. But I am weak and weary and prefer easy distractions. We will see.
But for sure, I wait, and I know and realize I am waiting for Jesus to return, as He asked. And I'm paying no attention to those He showed me who were being critical of me, uncomfortable with me for being to them, different, and were perhaps fearful of me in that regard, as well. He said pay no attention to them. I remember this and see the still, in a gathering, a group, looking at me and talking among themselves. Distractions, only, but stay clear of such.
In the waiting for Jesus to return for me, it is peaceful and sweet when I take simply what comes rather than try to reach in. My walks yesterday provided some encounters, in passing. They were lovely and chosen by God, these encounters of brief interchange with others who know nothing of me than I've had back surgery and am new neighbor and out walking as part of recovery. We exchange pleasantries, and I always encourage in whatever they are doing, like the elderly man walking with a cane telling me of a recent diagnosis of a terrible inner ear problem that is not really treatable.
I am reminded of aspirational prayer, and of the deep thoughts of this past week, such as the intensity of the man Randall's sharing of his story of evidently infused gift of being able to not feel physical pain, to transcend it, and that he now approaches all with love and from a place of gratitude. I consider the Psalm of today's Mass readings, and of Psalms each day as being gratitude, praise, and of aspirational gratitude as a way of life. Aspirational prayer such as a loving sigh or as interior sensing love of God. This is prayer: loving God.
Weary and waiting, I am. But filled with love and acceptance, and grateful that God is clearing from my outer world, and at some point I will let go of what remains of which I think and feel through as a process of acceptance of what all best to let go. Content and enjoying life, yes, while I wait in Jesus' words and promise.
Returning to more silence, I'm being assisted by God and those to whom I've reached out for help in this, souls not earthly, not temporal. And I wait for Jesus to come back to consummate the marriage.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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