In Waiting Preparation of New Direction

This is the third day in the waiting.  I'm being prepared and am preparing for the New Direction.  An adaptation, this; I am used to coming here to write of whatever lessons being learned, insights received, application of graces of learning from the Lord and the Lord in and through others--applying to daily life of the inner and outer.

A cousin called this morning.  I mentioned to her some of what I'm benefitting in listening and learning from a marvelous scholar and theologian who is also very "grounded" and with good sense of humor. I'm being opened up to my purpose and mission, while at the same time I wrote a couple emails, one in answering someone's question, but in which I went into critical analysis mode which helps me understand and have compassion, but the words can seem and perhaps are, harsh and even cutting in the critique.  

Has to do with how I can now see more clearly the deeper aspects, and of the trinitarian parts of most all systems and structures, including a tripartite reality of each and every person and the balance that is best for health and successful preparing for God's coming into us and us going into God--increasingly frequently, longer periods of earth time, or for some brief glimpses and effects of God within and without, in our lived lives.

The Mass Gospel from yesterday I will cut-and-paste in here for my body needs to get out of bed and attempt some physical, manual labor even if for an hour of something not too bodily difficult.  But until Pentecost, a week from tomorrow, in the actuality of the spiritual preparation the Lord is providing, the Holy Spirit enacting within body, mind, heart, and soul--it is as if in God's waiting room.  While waiting, much is being given, received, and also much praise of God in appreciation for the slow impartation and development of what will be the actual New Direction once it becomes not new and not direction, but arrived-at place that will evolve within that direction but not as a destination for alteration.  The transformation by God is on-going; the Holy Spirit directs as the love of the Father and the Son.

This waiting period could be painful, but thus far it is not other than in the temporal bodily aspects of the consistently higher level of physical pain.  But even that is for good purpose in the preparation involved in any New Direction that we all experience periodically in our lives if we are aware of our ever-seeking God.  Being in bed quite a bit, from pain precluding my being up and distracting with manual labor--this, too, has beautiful purpose and meaningful necessity in the preparation.

The following Gospel as well as the citation from letter to monks by John of Karpathos, gives hope in God while in the waiting between one's ascension with Christ and the coming gift of the Holy Spirit.  Just eight more days, here, that will be filled with whatever necessary for what God desires and wills, until the Holy Spirit imparts.  I've left the one world and await the next, so to speak.  No coincidence that this is occurring in alignment with the Church's liturgical Easter Season, the Ascension of our Lord, and the coming of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost, Sunday next.  Wait...and see, and embrace the experience of the Holy Spirit!  No idea what, but faith and assurance there is and will be. 

Love God in Three Persons!

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint John 16,20-23a.

Jesus said to his disciples: "Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy.When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world.So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you."

John of Karpathos (VII century)

monk and bishop

Letters to the monks in India (Philokalia; trans. G.E.H. Palmer, Philip Sherrard, Kallistos Ware, p. 322-323)

"Your affliction will be turned to joy" (Jn 16:20)

"What is gained," it is asked, "when we suffer affliction in soul and body, always praying and singing psalms? Do not those who neither pray nor keep vigil enjoy happiness and success throughout their lives?" Again they complain: "Behold, the houses of others are built up and we call others blessed"; and the Prophet adds: "And servants of God who were not ignorant said these things" (cf. Mal 3:15-16 LXX). Yet we should not think it strange that they endure affliction and various forms of sorrow, patiently awaiting through many trials and temptations whatever their Master gives. For they have heard him say in the Gospels: "Truly I tell you, that you who are near me shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice" (Jn 16:20)

Yet after a little while I will visit you through the Paraclete and drive away your despondency; I will renew you with thoughts of heavenly life and peace and with sweet tears, of all of which you were deprived for a short time when you were being tested. I will give you the breast of my grace, as a mother feeds her baby when it cries.

When your strength fails in battle I will fortify you with power from on high, and I will sweeten you in your bitterness, as Jeremiah says in his Lamentations, speaking of the Jerusalem hidden within you. I will look upon you and your hearts will rejoice at my secret visitation; your affliction will be turned to joy, and no one shall take that joy from you (cf. Jn 16:20-22).

Catholic Hermit: Awoke Early, Weary

Awoke early.  Turned off ice pump as lately the skin and tissue of spinal incision area has been horribly itchy with welts and such; yet without being on the icy pad for long the nerve pain down legs and into feet is quite obvious and painful.

But my thoughts immediately upon awakening go to waiting for Jesus.  I read the daily Mass scriptures.  I've tried to download some articles on discernment by the late Fr. Ernest Larkin, O. Carm., but no matter, the websites I try repeatedly, are not downloading.  I had tried last night, as well.  I could get a couple articles through a third-party website but were overviews of Teresa's prayer points--recollection and quiet, plus verbal of the Our Father deepening with our focusing and knowing Christ is within us.

I push aside thoughts of which I wrote to Fr. Vincent last night, not that he will receive depending on his community's internet service in Nigeria.  Another two-page plus postage-paid return envelope arrived in the mail yesterday.  It was yet another plea on fine vellum stationery, with four-color print photos of a lovely monastery and rounds, and started off telling me that since I am too busy to pray with my hectic life...and on from there explaining how these Benedicting monks will pray for me and what amount of check will I write and send them, and they will pray for me.  At least this is the short version of two full pages of convincing me that I don't have time to pray, but they do, and to send money.

I push aside thoughts of the long-time friend and relative, and know within that I must let all that go.  The Lord is clearing that which I can do nothing more.  

I pray for those who have asked my prayers, and I do that with mental prayer, or so it seems, although anymore I do not know what level it is that I am praying.  But not verbal mostly other than now and then, such as when walking yesterday, I used specific words in thanking all the saints and all the holy souls including my late parents and grandparents and relatives and friends who have passed.  I particularly thanked them for helping me rear my children, adults now for some years.

But as to my prayer life and focus, I know despite how much silence in my life, my mind is distracted with thoughts and with situations which I realize keep turning in my mind in thoughts and prayers, in love, but truly without resolution for there is nothing to do but let go of so much thought.  Just let go.

I cannot even get through the two articles of the above-mentioned Carmelite.  They seem to be so many words of which I've read similar in the past, and I realize my mind is wearied with words.  Too much outer distraction; mind filled with thoughts.  I keep returning to that, yet thankfully my thoughts return to Christ other than when I intentionally use externals to take me far from the deeper thoughts which seem to plague.   I then turn to escape, letting the mind escape by external distractions that take no effort but yet are not silent.  But somehow they silence my mind, take it away from itself.

Yesterday in writing to Fr. Vincent, I reminded him of one of the last times we saw each other in person, or I think it was.  The night before I'd had the experience of my mystical wedding and banquet following.  It was an event of major proportions, of course, spiritually and otherwise, for the Lord gave me specific instructions of which yesterday while walking I reconnected with the simplest part of His instructions:  Wait.  He told me when I'd begged for consummation of our marriage, that I was to wait.  He had to leave and go to help some other souls but would return for me, and I was to wait for him.  

Fr. Vincent at the time said most often when there is a mystical marriage of this degree and level, the consummation will come at earthly death.  I don't know, but I have relaxed much from efforts;  I have fond it hard to study and read other than small portions of Scripture.  I am weary with pain of various types and yet distract with what probably is not best; yet I realize that I am indeed in a mode of waiting.  I am waiting for Jesus to come back for me.  Just waiting, and I evidently am fairly content in the waiting.

It feels as if I'm being lazy in this waiting, and I feel and think that I am not using time wisely in the waiting since I am not so focused on effort in the work of exercises and study.  I will try yet again today; I think I will attempt to read from a book.  But I am weak and weary and prefer easy distractions.  We will see.  

But for sure, I wait, and I know and realize I am waiting for Jesus to return, as He asked.  And I'm paying no attention to those He showed me who were being critical of me, uncomfortable with me for being to them, different, and were perhaps fearful of me in that regard, as well.  He said pay no attention to them.  I remember this and see the still, in a gathering, a group, looking at me and talking among themselves.  Distractions, only, but stay clear of such.

In the waiting for Jesus to return for me, it is peaceful and sweet when I take simply what comes rather than try to reach in.  My walks yesterday provided some encounters, in passing.  They were lovely and chosen by God, these encounters of brief interchange with others who know nothing of me than I've had back surgery and am new neighbor and out walking as part of recovery.  We exchange pleasantries, and I always encourage in whatever they are doing, like the elderly man walking with a cane telling me of a recent diagnosis of a terrible inner ear problem that is not really treatable.

I am reminded of aspirational prayer, and of the deep thoughts of this past week, such as the intensity of the man Randall's sharing of his story of evidently infused gift of being able to not feel physical pain, to transcend it, and that he now approaches all with love and from a place of gratitude. I consider the Psalm of today's Mass readings, and of Psalms each day as being gratitude, praise, and of aspirational gratitude as a way of life.  Aspirational prayer such as a loving sigh or as interior sensing love of God.  This is prayer: loving God.

Weary and waiting, I am.  But filled with love and acceptance, and grateful that God is clearing from my outer world, and at some point I will let go of what remains of which I think and feel through as a process of acceptance of what all best to let go.  Content and enjoying life, yes, while I wait in Jesus' words and promise.

Returning to more silence, I'm being assisted by God and those to whom I've reached out for help in this, souls not earthly, not temporal.  And I wait for Jesus to come back to consummate the marriage.

God bless His Real Presence in us!