Catholic Hermit: Big Mistakes

In my attempt to do good, I ended up making a big mistake.  I do tend to learn the hard way, at times, in matters of temporal life; but it all the more turns me to God.  So that is no mistake.  Cause and effect, it is, just as is the on-going, physical pain.

It started with receiving a wonderful phone call, but it turned into one of upset and frustration for the caller and more pain and upset for me.  Then another person came in without my knowing, and overheard one line of the conversation, and that caused that person and one in tow, to be frustrated and upset, and I was more upset and in pain for what I thought was good, positive, helpful, had been frustrating to one and caused the other to take offense.

All through, I found myself able to understand how and why the others were reacting, but that did not matter, for they did not understand.

The phone call ended, and after the ones in person left, all I could do was tell God, "I understand!  I understand!  I understand!"  

I continued in thought my conversation to God.  "I will try harder to make sure I do not say what can create frustration in one, and not say what can cause offense in another, and not to do what is always best--not to respond much when asked of my pain situation and progress, as really, it is nothing new and is not going to ever be other than what it has been for all these years.  The only improvement will be that I will not be paralyzed from the spinal cord nearly being pinched off; but it won't be known until next summer if the pain will be less from that stenosis issue.

"It really is not fruitful for me to mention what I know I will need to do, temporally, as far as adapting to this additional adaptation  I must make in pain and bodily movements.  Responding to my progress and going into a move I will need to make, turned what would have been a lovely conversation of the other person's work and weekend plans, into a big mistake.

"Then the mistake was furthered when the other person and one in tow with that person, heard just that one bit of the conversation that had to do with my trying to reduce the sense of burden that can build in others who are closer by and have done the on-hand help for way too many years, as it is.  Even once a week seems a lot, given the "whole ball of wax"--a phrase my dad used to use when expressing succinctly the gist without going into detail.

"So the big mistake only got bigger.

"Then when I tried to explain what I thought was so positive and helpful, of the research I'd done, and expressed to the other person how I am trying to compliment and acknowledge all that the person had done all these years, and how difficult it was, and how now I want to prevent more as best I can--but that did not go well, either.  The person reminded that what they don't like at all is my analyzing and that it is not accurate, anyway, and no more psychology.

"So the bigger mistake became biggest.  It was time to quit trying to express.  I was fulfilling that statement:  The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

"Who knows how long it will be before the one person calls again.  Only God knows.  As far as the other, it is as it is, and my task will be to do as asked and reminded.  I hope-in-God to do better."

Thus concluded that portion of my explanations to God.  I really did not need to go over it with Him; He is here with me and knows it all, all the persons in conversations, the frustration and the offense taken in each case, the anger brewing in the one in tow, my trying to say what I thought positive but was not.  

Following the start to what was a Friday morning in which I was already accepting that the physical therapy yesterday had caused results, I realized that psychology and research has certainly been a blessing to me, for I have learned not to judge others the more I understand.  And I take it as a gift from God that I even thought to research on the topics last week.  

In fact, last night I researched something else, anankastic (slightly different than OCPD), and that has helped me accept another situation due to my learning to understand how yet another person perceives and reacts, and why--and that helps me all the more accept the outcomes in that person's relationships.

Bottom line:  These types of mornings turn me all the more to God. The take-away I got from what was emotionally painful on top of physical pain, is that God continues to lead me in His will, to union with Him, through all that He allows me to learn and in the understanding of self and others.  

I know that the frustration of the one person is in correlation with that person's love and concern for me.  The offense felt by the other person is a result of love for me but also commensurate with frustration that comes out in taking offense in my way of saying, doing, and being.  It is fair enough that they express how they feel.  I understand....

So I picked up, again, in directed conversation with God.  Since I'm learning to be understanding of others and not judging of them, due to a recent influx of grace given, plus the positive of learning to be understanding of others--I asked aloud of the Lord in the Solus Deus silence of solitude:  Who is going to understand me?  

I know it was a selfish question.  But the obvious answer came soon enough. God Is the One Who understands me.  

To Him I turn all the more today and ever more so, increasingly.  I hope in God and pray.  He will help me endure when I get to the point (happens more when pain very high) when I begin to doubt that I can or will endure.

Well, the truth is:  I cannot endure except through God's grace, in Him Who strengthens me.  And of any who could possibly understand me or even put up with me all these years of pain:  He does.  

Truly the Holy Spirit gives me means to learn and understand so as to have more compassion and empathy and to learn to not judge others for there are always reasons and circumstances that we humans have of which we may not or most often are completely unaware.  God provides the means for us to research and the intellect to decipher in-depth studies.  God provides for humans to discover more areas of learning and thought, such as psychology, which has been a benefit to many people and will continue to be. 

I told God, once more aloud in the otherwise silence, amidst some tears, that I so appreciate His being for me, in all things, all the time, and for understanding me, putting up with me, and providing for me in whatever is next, wherever.  

I then continued with silent inner thoughts:  God will provide through, such as unknown others, the help needed without any one person or two or three to carry the full load. He knows how to give a breather to those who have borne with me since earliest years of their lives; He can do that best, for He knows and understands that I make big mistakes when trying to express my thoughts to them. (They dislike immensely if I analyze, for example.  A natural-to-me mistake, that.)

No matter the size of mistakes, always there are munificent aspects.  These generous outcomes might seem in contradiction to how we mostly think and perceive, in temporal terms.  But spiritually, already I have the major reminder and assurance that I am to turn always to God and continue to immerse myself all the more into His Real Presence, the Most Holy  Trinity, His Perfect Love.

After this, I found laughter, once again.  I asked drolly, "What next?"--when the three hard-cooked eggs I'd simmered to try to place myself from upset into function-focus mode, I discovered upon cracking one egg that they were not hard-cooked, not nearly.   God's grace (my angel bolstering) had me make what could seem as too much on top of "the whole ball of wax"--into a simple solution.  I finished cooking the egg on stove top.  Just a bit more standing; build that core muscle stamina!

I toasted my friend across the country who is celebrating 92-years-old, today and ate the oddly-cooked, transformational egg.  Praise God for the praise of God that is transformational in my pio-wounded heart-and-soul as it is within His Real Presence, the Most Holy Trinity.  My angel and the heavenly hosts of holy angels know, do, and be the praise of God!  

May all of me be the praise of God!  

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[Postscript:  The older couple who six weeks ago kindly brought me a meal and are graciously willing to run errands for me, arrived not long after I was back in bed.  Their plans had changed, and they brought some produce and the dryer sheets to aromatize my old books, a day early.  They included a "gift" for me:  a package of two slices of chocolate cream pie.  I'm celebrating all the more now!  They said when it is time for me to move, after my lengthy healing process, they know of several people they'll bring to help pack up the place and onto whatever next.  See how God provides?  They also know of a woman who has a handyman she raves about.  They also shared a special prayer need; heavy and sorrowful prayer need that the Lord in His will, act upon in His Merciful Love.  God provides as always, and as always to be continued....]