Someone sent me this commentary by St. John Cassian, cited from his Conferences. Notice the final statement, in which he states what is the "goal of the solitary.
"Our Savior prayed to his Father on his disciples' behalf: 'That the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and they in us.' And again: 'that all may be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be one in us.' Then that perfect love of God, by which 'He loved us first,' (1Jn 4:10) will have passed into our heart's disposition upon the fulfillment of this prayer of the Lord....
"This will be the case when every love, every desire, effort, and every undertaking, every thought of ours, everything that we live, that we speak, that we breathe, will be God, and then that unity which the Father now has with the Son and which the Son has with the Father will be carried over into our understanding and our mind, so that, just as He loves us with a sincere and pure and indissoluble love, we too may be joined to Him with a perpetual and inseparable love and so united with Him that whatever we understand, whatever we speak, may be God. In Him we shall attain, I say, to that end...which the Lord longed to be fulfilled in us when He prayed: 'That all may be one as we are one, I in them and You in me, that they themselves may also be made perfect in unity.' And again: 'Father, I wish that those whom You have given me may also be with me where I am.'
"'This, then, is the goal of the solitary, and this must be his whole intention: to deserve to possess the image of future blessedness in this body and as it were to begin to taste the pledge of that heavenly way of life and glory....'" (emphases added)
[St. John Cassian (circa 360-435), founder of monasteries; Conferences, no. 10, 7; PL 49, 827, copyright Ancient Christian Writers, no. 57]
For awhile now, increasingly so the past month or two, the physical pain in my back has been increasing. Medical appointments also increased--with pain doctor and then initially with an outstanding surgeon's physician assistant, then surgeon, then osteoporosis physician assistant, then met with yet another physician assistant to the surgeon, plus phone conversations with the surgeon's nurse.
The added driving and sitting, the added advice and warnings, often varying among the various persons in the process, had me washing repeatedly like a wave upon the shores of the temporal world.
I was out of my element; inconsistencies, inability to make sense of what I knew not, other than to genuinely try to call in whatever increase in symptoms--helped raise the pain level all the more.
Barometric pressure shifts did their part in stirring the pain. A lengthy pain siege paid a visit to this body, and with the added new pain from the spinal cord, created a "perfect storm" of suffering. Then to also have the surgeon diagnose--explain why--I've suffered constantly, often severely, ever since the back-to-back spine surgeries in 1987. The news stirred old memories, painful memories. The mind and heart needed to adapt to the reality of the diagnosis, as well as to accept that all that damage and pain would remain after this next surgery.
How far I'd been thrust from what is the goal of the solitary, the goal of this consecrated Catholic hermit! Yet it can create difficulties in the temporal world. amidst people in active lives, not particularly spiritually focused.
When one becomes so desirous of being in Him, existing in Him, thoughts, love, words, actions, desires, hopes, interests--all abiding in and focused on God--the reactions of those around can vary. However, the solitary, the consecrated Catholic hermit, truly cannot function otherwise. At least not for long. It may be prudent to mask in some brief encounters, but the inner life will ever be devoted to Jesus Christ; and that inner always informs the outer.
For me, it seems to truly be able to "be myself--in the Lord, that self that is through, with, and in Him, that exuberant self that is no longer self but is bound in love with Christ the Beloved--the solitude provides the security, the means to exult in the love and joy which abides when free to be as wed with His Real Presence.
What a relief it has been, personally, to be freed from the chaos that arose the more involved with what may not have been at all as God willed. I may never know, but in discerning, we can put some value to having a sense of inner peace. This may seem contrary to how the world and practical realities might view a situation that includes medical professionals that turn from a needed procedure, decide against providing that procedure.
Yet when one has the peace--truly, I suppose, and quite practically, literally, that is beyond understanding--faith rules the body, mind, heart, and spirit. One would prefer being with Christ even if it means more suffering and increased limitation in this world, than to be in that which brings unrest, contradictions, flaws, and negativity.
A consecrated Catholic hermit--a religious solitary--to taste the pledge of that heavenly way of life and glory...!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
1 comment:
Greetings,
I have been reading your posts for quite a while, and I am amazed at the level of suffering and pain that you have been able to endure. There is no question that your strength and endurance comes from God. His Fingerprints are all over your willingness to continue your journey in this life, in dedication to Him and on behalf of Him, as you have accepted your calling as a Victim Soul. You are on my daily prayer list. Know that you have inspired me many times throughout the years, for I am also a Victim Soul. A journey that very few understand.
Nonetheless, we are a small army of souls that will suffer in the Name of Jesus Christ, give our sufferings to Him, for our sins and the sins of our brothers and sisters. May God continue to strengthen you and give you His peace. I will continue to read your blogs and keep you in my prayers. In Christ, Mia...
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