Catholic Hermit: Refocus on Silence of Solitude

The past four weeks have been chaotic.

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit did not choose the disruption.  I had to submit to medical appointments, pain sieges, increasing lumbar pain, urgency for surgery, or so it seemed, and all the hullabaloo that goes along with temporal life.

I'd forgotten how disruptive is temporal activity, including "doctoring".

Lord, have mercy on my soul!

The chaos came to an amazing halt Tuesday morning past while at the pain doctor's.  Uncanny, it was, the timing of the phone call from surgeon's nurse just after the pain doctor had stepped out of room, just after we'd figured out the pain meds for post op.

My surgery was scheduled for two days later, then: this Thursday, past.  I'd agreed to what I thought the last two "conditions" or "ultimatums" the surgeon's nurse had reported the surgeon wanted; I'd seen the surgeon for ten minutes four weeks ago. I 'd never met the nurse who coordinated all, and had various phone conversations with me, quite sweet-voiced woman of I assume young age.

But the surgery was called off, at first she said "indefinitely."  With a couple more questions from me, the truth revealed it is called off "permanently."  Her sweet voice only betrayed itself in a final comment she made--telling me they had found out I had a second opinion appointment scheduled with another surgeon.  Yes, but was going to cancel that, of course, since my surgery had finally been scheduled for a second time, as the other time was also postponed, and then called off.

The nurse told me in a rather sarcastic tone, that I'd better go ahead and keep that appointment, as a second opinion--and here her voice rose--is my "right".  So go ahead and go to it!

Pain doctor had his nurse tell me to go to that appointment Monday, to the osteo appointment Tuesday (got into the highly reputable clinic, thanks be to God!), then return to his office on Thursday.  He was not pleased with the turn of events; the surgeon's nurse had sent him messages and no doubt are on their computer, of quite untrue and twisted versions of what she said I'd said.  The pain doctor knows I'm quite honest, but all this is taking a bit for the Holy Spirit to straighten out.  I hope and pray.

The second opinion, now only opinion surgeon, is in same group as the surgeon who got teed off--all based on what his nurse advised, of course.  It seems that had I had but five more minutes with him in the past week, all would have been well, cleared up, understanding met, face-to-face.

However, my appointment with the next surgeon has been changed to later in day.  I was told the surgeon has a meeting that unexpectedly came up, at my appointment time.  We'll see.  A daughter is wondering if the meeting is regarding me, for the first surgeon's nurse really did a number on me with the pain doctor.  Not nice, no, not at all. Tricky.  As a friend put it, back-handed, lacking compassion, and verging on silly.  

Another friend reminded me:  God does not play games with people's emotions.  We can fill in who does do that....  The devil, we readily answer.  And wow, have my emotions been up and down, all around, twisted one way and another for the nearly four weeks since my appointment with a very adept PA, way back in the beginning, who recognized my legs much weaker and needed to get into see the surgeon right away.

Today I finally had an emotional reaction after having had a sense of relief and inner peace.  Perhaps it is due to higher pain level than the past three days.  Perhaps due to yesterday's back-lash from the devil--not at all happy with me.  On came the temporal type onslaughts involving random people and situations.  My truck broke down in a Walmart parking lot, for starters.  Might be the transmission.  

A shadowy man in parking lot lurked and approached to get money from people, including me.  Did not like my remaining in the parking lot, in my truck, but I could not get out--too risky.  And I was waiting for the tow truck driver.  The questionable man perhaps thought I was interfering with his panhandling?  Whatever, he began to give nasty hand gestures just as the tow truck driver arrived, and with that, the man probably wanting drug money, drove off.

I had an unfortunate situation in the store, though, prior, involving hassling by the pharmacist.  It was ridiculous to be targeted and degraded, with others waiting, and my medications made obvious to the other customers.  Do not these pharmacists realize they endanger customers who are unfortunately having to take meds that desperate types will do anything to illicitly get?   And the pharmacist also pointed out, aloud, that I live alone!  Not good!  She would not let it drop for quite awhile; and the fact is, if she has issues, she should call my medical doctor if my responses were not satisfying.

But the tide of darkness changed with the marvelously Christian tow truck driver.  What a lovely conversation we had all the way to the mechanic's shop.  And the mechanic is a marvelous Christian.  And the reason I knew to call the mechanic who told me the number of the tow truck driver, is due to a mostly marvelous Christian air conditioner man who came six or more weeks ago with a bid.   He and I had a wonderful conversation about Christ and faith, and this man told me to call him any time I needed a referral to any business, as I'm new to this area.

Then I had to get a Lyft car back--costly, yes!  But the young woman driver and I had great conversation and some laughs, as well, on the long ride back.  And considering "back", the low-to-ground cars are pretty much a shoe-in that I'll have a pain siege not long after, or at minimum much worse pain.  But the goodness of God in these people who countered the horrible aspects of the first three incidents, made me exuberant with the wonder of God's sovereignty over evil.

Life consists of many tests in soul school. I'm thankful I recognized that the devil was being allowed to try to up-end me yesterday, on top of quite an ordeal of the past few weeks, culminating in being told I'd not be operated on, ever, by the surgeon.  Yes, I know God is calling the shots.  He allows all kinds of ups and downs and opportunities for us to learn invaluable lessons for our souls.  Our souls are of utmost value to His Real Presence.  Our bodies are but temporary--concerns, yes, but nothing compared to the value of our eternal souls.

I knew not to react to the truck dilemma, the up-to-no-good man in parking lot, the imprudent and harassing pharmacist.  I've had to in my heart forgive the craziness all of us involved in the craziness of the surgery confusion and mess.  I've detached from having surgery, I've detached from having leg mobility.  I've agreed to God if I am to have surgery by some other doctor, I will do so and face whatever outcome by His grace.  I've agreed to God if He prefers I lose leg mobility, I will adapt to all life changes by His grace.

There seems nothing more for me to "do" either temporally or spiritually.

Today I read a commentary--a brief selection from something St. Teresa of Avila wrote.  It is not particularly pertinent to refocusing as a hermit to silence of solitude, nor to how to deal with the devil and to also be thankful for God's graces that always remind us He is Sovereign Lord over all.

But St. Teresa reminded me of seeking perfection in this life.  She reminded me of the various personalities and ways in which these different persons can come to holiness--none having to be exactly like someone else's path to union with Christ.  None will have the same spiritual gifts, in particular, but all will have God's grace and love, and it is love that counts most, and humility, in seeking after perfection of God in this life and beyond.

And love at the heights requires total surrender to His Real Presence, total denunciation of our own will and full embrace of God's will.  Love desires to surrender to God; love desires to be led to where God wants us, and to be guided by the Holy Spirit, and to be embraced by Jesus Christ--through Him, with Him, and in Him.

And I am thankful that His Real Presence has gotten me through the emotional turmoil, the physical exhaustion and pain, and the mental confusion of these past four weeks. I'm trusting that His Real Presence did not will that surgery; perhaps it would have been disastrous with my bones not dense enough.  

And I'm thankful that His Real Presence taught me some lessons, invaluable ones, and gave me once more, to the glorious silence of solitude of my eremitic vocation.  At least for now, in this present moment, and for me to learn to keep that silence of solitude if the chaos of temporal life stirs again, with more medical appointments approaching, along with their unknowns.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Thanks be to God Almighty!