Hermits are far from flawless. This consecrated Catholic hermit has been wretched lately. While increased pain can sensitize all the more that which is around--whether in person or in correspondence--the sensitivity can also include seeing just how flawed am I.
It is no small statement made by a hermit of centuries past: Go into your cell, and your cell will teach you.
Of course, it is the Holy Spirit of God the Father and of the Son Who teaches us (as long as we are not subjecting ourselves to the devil's tutelage). And it is solitude that assists in removing distractions to focus our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls through, with, and in God.
I really do not recall much of the past week other than was sick with pain but more so was unable to be very kind and charitable. My fuse was nipped to the nub. My ability to handle my own issues weakened, I could not at all do well with others.
This morning I placed a phone call to a last remaining aunt. I wanted to know if she had avoided the flu that was rampant in her retirement care facility. Yes, she had--but she wanted to tell me of her waking up a week ago Saturday and recalled the time precisely. On her mind was a strong urge that I needed prayer; so pray she did.
I explained that I cannot much recall the bulk of last week due to pain and the mind and emotions doing all to cope with that, while at the same time I tried to keep working even if in small segments. But, I am convinced that her urge to pray was from the Holy Spirit, and my struggle to maintain during such pain was made possible thanks to her prayers and God having mercy on me.
The couple brought His Real Presence yesterday. They grasp more since I did send a message explaining the never-knowing aspect of my daily existence. None of us know, but most people are able to make a plan and usually fulfill it; set a goal and meet it. And most people do not function in a quite slow pace, if functioning at all.
It is good, and as the pain lifted a bit, I could see all the more the reality of the frantic aspects of pain, especially of the horrible spinal headache.
Aside from pain making the temptation to think wrongly, there are all kinds of choices that are made each moment; and there are streams of thoughts that are of varying degrees of goodness or badness. I do not nearly discern enough while thoughts flow. I do not always guard the entrance of the intellect from the various wrong-thoughts that can sneak through.
Yet I daily read the Scriptures, and I pray, and I am a consecrated Catholic hermit of over 17 years living the vocation--and yet the flaws persist. The Psalm [50: 16b-c, 17, 21] reading of today's Mass hit home.
"Why do you recite my statues,
and profess my covenant with your mouth,
Though you hate discipline
and cast my words behind you?
"When you do these things, shall I be deaf to it?
Or do you think that I am like yourself?
I will correct you by drawing them up before your eyes.
He that offers praise as a sacrifice glorifies me;
and to him that goes the right way I will show the salvation of God."
Of the persons and situations for whom I groused, there are aspects that belong to me to attempt change. I can be responsible to keep communication elevated and turned toward God. I cannot expect others to do that; but I can and should and am trying with renewed prayer for the discipline.
Another means of trying to at least hinder the oppressing obsessing over some aspect in myself or others that is flawed in some way, is to ask a long-time friend to remind me next time (and unless death or a miracle healing of back pain occurs) that I am obsessing, that I am doing so from way too much pain, and to remind me to turn all to God.
So I am setting up some safety-net reminders. I want to safeguard against sin.
And as to hating discipline and casting the words of the Lord behind me, yes, that describes me at times. While intractable, sickening pain can be a reason and cause of weakened discipline in listening to and obeying God, pain is not an excuse to not try to heed His correction.
I had a dream the other night. In it God had a stream of animals--live and large cardboard cut-outs--that had been painted with black stripes. White dog, white goat, white llama, white bear--bobbing across a stage with their imperfectly painted and smeared stripes. It was quite humorous when I awakened and realized the Lord had drawn these faux zebras, drawing them up before my dream-eyes, and was correcting me in my inane concerns about that which when the pain eased off, I did not mind at all.
When I had altered my view to consider the spiritual aspects and to turn all the God and to the spiritual life of souls--the correction turned into my praising God. I had a renewed desire to laugh at my foolishness yet know that I may not do better in a pain sieges again. Yet, my desire to turn all toward God in praise and gladness.
And true it is that praise can be a sacrifice in itself. It is not at all easy to praise when sick with pain or ensnared in some personal problem--even others' problems, frustrating and worrisome as they can be. To praise as a sacrifice is a step up the stairway to heaven; God says it glorifies him to praise as a sacrifice.
I will praise God today despite the awful nausea that is hindering me from even wanting to get up. There is discipline in such praise that is more difficult than to praise God when we are in good form, are obedient and disciplined to His will and to living the Gospel Rule of life.
Love in His Love.
Thanks be to God for His correcting us! It is humbling, shameful, and even embarrassing to face what we have done that needs correcting by God. Yet it is through His correction that we learn to get it right--to be able to proceed in the right path that leads to salvation.
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