The yesterday in the Mass Gospel reading, the Lord Jesus Christ told those who criticized Him for being amidst sinners, that He did not come to call the righteous but sinners.
The sickening and pressured pain had eased in my body; the horrific spinal headache was returned to the usual level of constant headache. I saw immediately that I was being called--and reminded--as a sinner.
Patience, compassion, empathy and understanding of others returned with the humbling reality of my own ineptitude and task of growing in the love of God above all else and love of others as God loves.
The Scripture readings are also featuring the youth of Samuel living in the temple and being taught by the priest Eli. I have always loved these Scriptures--Samuel hearing a voice in the night calling him, and he naturally thinks it is Eli calling. He rises two times to the voice calling and goes to Eli who had not called Samuel but who realizes Samuel is hearing, probably for the first time, the Lord's voice in a locution.
Eli instructs Samuel that if the voice calls out his name again, to respond, "Here I am Lord, your servant is listening."
The extremity of pain the past few days, peaking on Friday to a point of difficulty in coping, broke through as a kind of call of the sinner--myself. A family member called, knowing I was struggling but also trying to deal with my pain-addled concern over the pattern I'd created in laying a wood floor--of all things! Of course, the family member knew pain was making it an issue; extreme pain can bring one to a point of--yes--Jesus' crying out to God the Father, "Why have you forsaken me?"
A long-time friend stayed close by via email, and helped re-direct my now-ridiculous, pain-fueled concern over the flooring. I had been so focused on the hickory's variety in grains, hues of tone, and in connecting the tongue-in-groove in cohesive pattern, that it turned out as bands or stripes.
The room is a dedication of prayer and effort for an elderly couple going through a rough time now, with a spouse recently released from rehab after hospitalization, but whose medical condition is in decline. It is something how the days working in this room and praying, and the temporal obstacles have kind of followed along with the vacillations in the couple's journey with the recent suffering. There are the ups and downs, the trials, the overcoming of trials, the passing through days and nights of unknowing other than being called by the Lord to simply keep going, to simply endure.
When the long-time friend emailed in the midst of my spinal headache frantic disfunction and desperately trying to endure the pain, the Holy Spirit inspired this friend to re-direct my flailing concerns over a flooring that usually is to be laid randomly, with no matching or pattern evolving, but suggesting that in some ways, the stripes or bands of darker boards going widthwise amidst the light, natural hickory boards, is intentional. God allowed and meant it as a reminder of heaven and earth, or of waves that flow in the passage of life phases; or that it is like an echelon of flowing through our lives spiritually in progression, ascending the ladder to heaven.
We are called; our souls are called to union with God. We are called in our temporal lives to live and love. We are to love God above all else and to love others as God loves--as God loves us. Within this call of God, to us, to us sinners, we are also called to various vocations. We are called by God within our souls, within our vocations, within our daily efforts.
We are called, sinners all; and in the darkness of night, I am listening for whatever the Lord wishes to tell me, if anything. Being called is not always in the night nor when we expect. But somehow in other aspects, we are always being called without ceasing. The call is now and infinitely eternal.
The Lord comes to call not the righteous but sinners. I'm reminded to answer despite my foibles and flaws, my inability to manage pain when it becomes intense. Reminded to answer the call of the Lord to love pray always and to love, to keep learning to love.
For a consecrated Catholic hermit, this means to do so in the silence of solitude, hidden from the eyes of men, called to a life of prayer and praise--not over-peopled to a point that prayer and praise is disturbed by the details of temporal life but rather that prayer and praise is emboldened.
The Lord speaks, and often am not listening. Or if listening, pain or other distractions, especially temporal nigglings get in the way. Or, sometimes misinterpreting the message or then, not heeding nor following through nor changing ways, makes for temporal and spiritual mishaps.
The Lord may be with us, for He is mercy and love, but unlike Samuel, our words can be without effect.
Growing in increasing conscious and subconscious awareness in His Real Presence--that He calls and is calling us-- lends to approaching the present moments with asking (and expecting!) the Lord to speak. Then we must pray and strive to listen.
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