Catholic Hermit: Discerning Temporal Battles

Been confronted with events and situations, including those of others, in which I am pondering what is the worth and value of some or most temporal battles.  Of course, I view this from my vocational standpoint as a consecrated Catholic hermit, espoused to Christ, and also as an imperfect human being in this pained body, in this temporal realm, yet a mystic with heart and soul intended for the mystical realm.

Had a raging spinal headache yesterday, on the heals of going into civilization to a knee specialist.  (Still dealing with the pain from the smackdown fall on concrete nearly two weeks ago.)  At the appointment, x-rays of the knee, specifically were taken, despite my mentioning the ER took x-rays of the leg from just above knee down.  Nothing broken; my pain is coming from within the knee as well as a nerve pain "hot spot" near a very large fully numb area on the leg.  

As it ended up, I did not see the specialist but rather a physician's assistant, rather young, and the visit became problematic when I mentioned the low dose pain medication I'm on and have been for several years.  The PA had a most false notion and expressed it; and I kept my tongue as I was not prepared for the ignorance yet again, of research.  No lived experience with higher level intractable pain for years, and not much medical experience, and the equivalent of a Master's degree, if that.  And obviously she had not read the abstracts of research in which what she was convinced, is simply not supported by various studies and deals with a different sample group.

But it was upsetting, for she had assumed wrongly of me, and it happens often these days when it comes to medical practitioners not necessarily knowing the meds nor the side effects, or have false ideas about, especially, pain medications.  I had not gone there for that; I am concerned about my knee, as it is interfering with my efforts to keep on here, trying to finish, as well as to determine if there is something longer term with my leg.

Later in the day, as the spinal headache increased to the point that I could not physically function by the time I returned to Te Deum Hermitage, I checked email and an area site in which people mostly post items to sell.  This time, on that site, someone had posted photos of another person's car which was parked partly sideways in a handicap parking space and taking up part of another space.  People in the store knew which customer, and others notified the deputy who arrived but after the customer had left, finished with his shopping.

But the comments continued on the site, with people becoming increasingly rude, nasty, vindictive, and impassioned in negative and forceful thoughts.  One person pointed out that this is not who we should be, and to keep it in perspective.  Was a mistake with a parking space, odd though the car was parked, and the proper authorities were contacted and would talk with the man and perhaps give a warning ticket or a ticket with fine requiring payment.

Yet the people commenting then attacked the person who was trying to bring the nasty tenor of the comments to a recognition point--to remind that it was getting out of hand and unreasonably mean-spirited.  I rarely comment on such matters, but I supported the person trying to bring people to seek the high road, and of course as a Catholic hermit, I included mention of handling matters as Christ would, but through example, perhaps subtle teaching without causing irritation to those who are not prone to Christianity nor religion at all.

This was a distraction from the sickening headache, and also allowed my soul to ponder love and kindness, and being supportive of the other who was being attacked for doing right, for speaking up, pointing out the wrongs of public shaming to such a negative degree (or at all, as I mentioned we never know why someone makes a mistake, nor how one will react to such public shaming over making a mistake in parking in an odd way in a handicap spot and another spot.)  

One or two major attackers then attacked me, of which I simply responded with kindness and sound reason, still supporting a charitable approach and one of understanding, as well as defending the person who had the initial courage to try to put a stop to the "devilry"--as it was coming to that if not already had.

I suppose had I not been so ill with the spinal headache that I was seeking any diversion to help cope, I'd not have responded at all.  There have been numerous such postings on that site, where people then get carried away in negatively attacking and public shaming someone who's made an error.  It is like the chickens who try to peck to death one among the flock who is at disadvantage.

By morning, the moderator had thankfully removed the entire posting and all the many, increasingly vicious comments and inter-commenter attacks, as well.  It was mentioned that the person who parked like that is himself elderly and going through a very rough time recently.  Yet, some of the commenters continued on, not caring, and declaring public shaming the way to approach those who do wrong in their midst.

Well, there are many battles in this temporal realm that are not worth fighting.  Today I prayed for the one woman, handicapped herself, who had an impassioned vengeance and took it on as her duty and obsession to confront and attack and report anyone who parked his or her vehicle in a handicap spot if they did not have a placard or license plate designating them as handicapped.  She did it no matter where she'd be, and if she could verbally assault the person, in person, she felt it even more successful to stop this heinous problem.

So she was and is focused on this as her life's work.  I wondered about her own suffering to carry such a vengeful sense within her in trying to right the wrongs of the many who park in handicap spots, out of the thousands who do not do so.  What good is all that fire and fury within, to her health?  She views it as a terrible wrong for someone to want to go shopping or otherwise, and not be able to park close, causing inconvenience and she expressed--also can be life or death for the person if trying to pick up prescriptions from a pharmacy.  So in her passion, this her mission, is of high importance.

I thought about the several times I've tried to explain the facts of pain medications as well as the misconceptions and falsehoods.  While perhaps in a handful--most likely less than that!--I have made some sense to them, but most often if there is education to be gained on the topic, it has come through the other or others having some terrible ailment or someone close to them, and thus they learn for themselves about the difference between those who take pain medications who do not have pain or who desire a high and become addicted, and those who are responsible but genuinely benefit for the very qualities for which the medication has proven to be beneficial for a very long time.

I'm not going to win the battle; and I don't think it is my mission nor even much a part of the teaching or witnessing I'm to be doing in my life.  For one thing, the more one tries to present facts and research, a medical practitioner might all the more decide to dig in and be convinced of errant facts.  They aren't used to patients knowing the meds, the side effects, nor the research.  But patients often do know--particularly those who have lived with some affliction for some decades and who keep up with potential treatments and new medications in trial and development phases--as well as follow up with side effects that often cause more problems than the simple and older medications.

In trying to finish this place, I've been thrust more into the temporal world especially back when I had money enough to hire those with contractor "licenses".  I found out that many people in the area have these licenses or have business cards printed out stating they do.  But most of them were not as they purported; or other problems would develop such as the major hassle with the bad kitchen cabinets being sold knowingly, and battling two years to get the wrong righted.

That was a battle that needed to be fought simply because it was a major wrong that an employee did, and also the cost of the cabinets, for faulty ones, was reducing my finances in ways not supportive of truth nor justice.

Yet I did not like the battle. I did not want to fight it, I was wearied of the ordeal.  That is the way of it in this phase of five years--and how I am now discerning the battle with medical practitioners who will cause more harm if I don't research anything they suggest prescribing, or if I let them be convinced of some wrong notion of pain medication--if, and only if, their ignorance is going to adversely affect my medical care, such as the other day.  So if my knee is not better in a month, then they will do an MRI.  Why not one now, and be done with it either way?

I'm really not interested in temporal battles.  Not even most medical ones involving tenaciously held misconceptions.  I don't have any temporal "cause" that I am called to right the wrongs.  My purpose is to glorify God, and my motto is to "just adore Him."  He has given me my heavenly name, over two decades ago.  If I think about it, and the meaning, I am reminded of my path; and it is not the temporal sledge.  

It seems as if all the more, though, there are obstacles in my efforts to finish the place.  One such obstacle was an error I made in not factoring in the width of the risers that will go on top of the stair treads, to the back.  So I ripped 13 treads down 7/8", and thankfully kept the scraps to each tread.  I needed to trim off 3/16" from the scrap 1" pieces I'd cut off, sand and finish the wood with wood conditioner and several coats of clear Varathane.  Now I am one-by-one gluing and clamping those cut pieces back to each stair tread.

Mea culpa!

But in other ways, the obstacles are coming from odd situations such as the unexpected fall at a store that would be the last anyone would think would have a negligence obstacle, causing a customer injury. In all my years, I've never had any incident at any store or business.  This was as if it came out of nowhere.

Well, I have an inner reason why that happened and the other obstacles especially in the past couple of months, seemingly forces trying to prevent me from finishing, selling, and entering into yet a new phase of my Catholic hermit existence.  But I might write about this in some future blog post.  I'm dealing with it within, mystically, and I've written to my spiritual father for his input and prayers, as well.

But as for discerning temporal battles, I'm at a point in which there would be few if even one or two, that I would find worth battling.  I'm just at that point in my vocation and spiritual life, that there is not much worth battling in comparison to the efforts in the spiritual witness and the spiritual battles that come along for me and for others.

Braving, Battling Birds and Demons

There is a prize for anyone who can figure out where birds get into this hermitage!  Another one greeted this morning.  Perhaps it is the Lord reminding that He cares about the sparrow and certainly cares about us!  Not sure if the little sparrow is outside or not.  Have opened windows and doors, but then it tends to pop up in another area, yet inside.  So be it, little bird.

It has been 44 degrees inside here, and that with the heat pump going non-stop.  Yes, it finally got repaired only to have another power outage.  But this time when the power came back on after a few hours (cold ones, huddled in bed), the circuit board had not blown, thankfully.  It is just very cold.  The heat pump man came when called, and the heater is pumping out heat.  He thinks more insulation will help, and "button up the place."

There is nothing like physical discomfort to be either a motivating factor or a death-knell.  For this nothing Catholic hermit, it is a motivating factor for now.  Hustled as much as a cold, old, pained hermit can hustle, and got more insulation in the wall spaces.  

But it is not as easy as it may sound.  First all the rat feces, remains of nests, and cobwebs are to be swept from between studs.  Then steel wool is jammed down in crevices through which critters can squeeze themselves, amazingly squeeze themselves to find warmth.  Perhaps the cold in here is helping them not desire coming in so much?

Each piece of insulation is cut-to-fit the stud spaces of which no two are the same dimensions in this old domicile.  Woke up in the middle of the night to pain and also to the immediate thought:  Have to remove the insulation between all the studs and toe-nail in 2x4 blocks along the floor line.  Yes.  Surely my angel or some carpentry contractor in purgatory was sent to remind that one must have wood along the floor between studs to which the drywall and baseboards can be screwed and nailed.  

Most construction has what is called a base or toe-plate, a 2x4 that comprises the bottom of a wall.  the wall studs are nailed to the base plate and also to a top plate or ledger plate.  This old farmhouse simply has wall studs that run from the crawlspace to the top or ledger plate at roof.  The studs are 20' long and probably milled at an old lumber yard, early 1900's.

There is work to be done, and the bird of this morning is still not outside.  Saw him fluttering about in the next room.  Opened that window, but it flew downstairs.  Will deal with him later (a him due to the brighter feather coloring).  And will deal with removing insulation and nailing in the wood between studs once the body gets energized and focused enough to tackle the cold downstairs and outside where the power saw is upon its stand.

As to demons, have been battling them, and not as bravely as one would hope.  They attacked Saturday night and did not leave until Sunday night.  This hermit is sick and tired of the annoying spirits, inserting such dark thoughts into the mind and playing upon physical pain and weariness and emotional fatigue.  So decided to defrock the demons, so to speak.  Shame them out, shine the light on them, and enlist a couple of close spiritual friends to pray for this hermit in the thick of battle.

Just put it in writing to the friends, what are the dark thoughts, and how am tired of waking up to them in the wee hours, or having them descend with the dusk.  There is power in prayer; and there is power in laying bare the ugly thoughts that gain victory over us when we keep them held in.  Called the electrician, and said how overwhelmed in here with the cold and the discomforts, the work to be done and the dwindling funds.

He said anyone would be discouraged and overwhelmed with this place!  He said men would be, and men who were able-bodied, at that.  Told him how the other day decided to use the hammer he'd forgotten the last time he was here.  Laughed and said was used as a show of force and strength to get some work done! 

The main thing is to trust the Lord and simply keep going.  One must brave the elements and battle the demons.  Both are aspects of the eremitic life and tradition that are nothing new. 
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A friend sent a video that helped with fortitude and  with outing and routing the demons.  It was of a man who'd been atheist for 44 years and then converted to Coptic (Eastern Orthodox) monk.  He exudes humility in the video as he shares his challenges, of which a main one is the human loneliness and sense of isolation. 

Yes, of course he has God with him; but he mentioned the other monks were in their own culture, had their language, and their families who would visit now and then.  He does not speak their tongue; he has no immediate family living, and if so would be on the other side of the world.  This hermit put it in a fascinating context.  He said the other monks have it much harder because they deal with the demons of the senses as distractions.  They can converse, they can hear and understand, they are reminded of the world in these ways, plus through their family members who are alive and not far away.  

These distractions are needling attachments and cause the other hermit monks more difficulty in arriving at the inner attachments that then need to be revealed and removed.  So, despite how difficult it is for the hermit who is of a different culture and country, he considers himself blessed to have the outer attachments snipped by circumstances. 

Hearing the hermit monk speak of such loneliness and sense of isolation helped this nothing Catholic hermit immensely.  Instead of the challenges here being hardships, or the inner battles being somehow a signal of something wrong or the vocation a failure, it all made sense that all this is a gift.  Being stripped of much human interaction, being in such solitude, braving the elements and battling the demons are signs of progress in the spiritual life and in this eremitic vocation.

The hermit monk also mentioned some phases or categories of which St. John Climacus discusses in The Ladder of Divine Ascent.  There are three ways of the hermit monk.  The first is living in community in a monastery with people about and some level of interactions.  The second is living with two or three others.  The third is living in solitude.  The man in the video lived in solitude whereas others in his community lived in the monastery.


While examples could be given of the shifts God provides in hermit lives, with some living among others more than those living with just two or three, and yet other hermits living in relative isolation from people whether religious or not, God determines each hermit's course--and most often uses circumstances to let the hermit know his or her course.

For the hermit in the video, his mother's death was a factor, as well as a conversion experience while he was traveling the world.  How he ended up in the desert and as one of the monks associated with the monastery built where St. Anthony of the desert built his hut in the 3rd century, was not revealed in the video.  He was there, though, and had been a hermit monk for some years, and was of the solitary type of hermits (of the three general ways).

What impresses, though, is the hermit's humility in candor about his struggles and challenges (at the time of video being filmed).  While he faced mostly inner challenges, still, he said, memories could snag him the most and tempt him to think of external distractions.  When the other monks families visit, he knew they talked with each other; or at other times the monks talked among themselves.  He could feel very alone.  Then, God would remind him that the hermit was with Him, and that the sense of isolation provided God to fill the hermit in ways no other could.

It is true; it is so.  There is purpose for hermits who God takes along the path of stricter, perhaps strictest, separation from the world in silence and solitude, for greater praise of God and in prayer and penance.  Whatever the case for each hermit, we ought be thankful for whatever way God provides.

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Now to go downstairs and into the cold, and try to help the little bird find its way through the door which the hermit shall open for it.  And then, bundle more and measure, cut, and nail some 2x4's.  Praise God for His providence in courage to brave and battle the birds and the demons!  

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another (and all creatures) for God is Love!  Remain in His Love!

[As was finishing sharing, that little sparrow perched above on a coiled wire hanging from the ceiling.  Opened yet another window, but it disappeared in a hole in a wall in the other room.  Aha!  That is its little hermitage within this hermitage.  Eventually that wall will be gutted, and hopefully the bird will have flown out a window before more cold in here.  

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Matthew 10:29-31.]